33 Hilarious Quotes To Enjoy

Laughter, often touted as the best medicine, has an uncanny ability to brighten our days and uplift our spirits. Whether you're having a challenging day or simply looking for a quick pick-me-up, our selection of the top 33 hilarious quotes is here to infuse your day with joy. These carefully chosen gems from humorists, comedians, and wits of the ages are guaranteed to tickle your funny bone. So, sit back, relax, and let these humorous insights bring a smile to your face.

1. “A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.” - Dennis Miller

2. “Vhat ozzer abilities do you haf?" ter Borcht snapped, which his assistant waited, pen in hand.Gazzy thought. "I have X-ray vision," he said. He peered at ter Borcht's chest, then blinked and looked alarmed.Ter Borcht was startled for a second, but then he frowned. "Don't write dat down," he told his assistant in irritation. The assistant froze in midsentence."You. Do you haf any qualities dat distinguish you in any way?"Nudge chewed on a fingernail. "You mean, like, besides the WINGS?" She shook her shoulders gently, and her beautiful fawn-colored wings unfolded a bit.His face flushed, and I felt like cheering. "Yes," he said stiffly. "Besides de vings.""Hmm. Besides de vings." Nudge tapped one finger against her chin. "Um..." Her face brightened. "I once ate nine Snickers bars in one sitting. Without barfing. That was a record!""Hardly a special talent," ter Borcht said witheringly. Nudge was offended. "Yeah? Let's see YOU do it."..."I vill now eat nine Snickers bars," Gazzy said in a perfect, creepy imitation of ter Borcht's voice, "visout bahfing."Iggy rubbed his forehead with one hand. "Well, I have a highly developed sense of irony."Ter Borcht tsked. "You are a liability to your group. I assume you alvays hold on to someone's shirt, yes? Following dem closely?""Only when I'm trying to steal their dessert"...Fang pretended to think, gazing up at the ceiling. "Besides my fashion sense? I play a mean harmonica.""I vill now destroy de Snickuhs bahrs!" Gazzy barked.” - James Patterson

3. “Okay. When he comes, you can see him?""Yes. I can hear him, too. And he, uh..."She brushed the bandage on the side of her skull. I looked at her in bewilderment. Was she serious?"He hits you?""Yes.""With his fist?""Yes."John looked up from his coffee indignantly. "Man, what a dick!"I did roll my eyes this time and glared at John once they stopped. I don't know if you've ever seen a ghost, but I'm guessing that if you did, the thing didn't run over and punch you in the face. I'm guessing that's never happened to any of your friends, either.” - David Wong

4. “Taylor clapped her hands three times for attention. "Ladies! Ladies! My stars! That's enough. Now. We all know Miss Arkansas's girls are fake, miss Ohio's easier than making cereal, and Miss Montana's dress is something my blind meemaw would wear to bingo night. And Miss New Mexico -- aren't you from the chill-out state? Maybe you can channel up some new-age-Whole-Foods-incense calm right about now, because we have a big job ahead called staying alive.” - Libba Bray

5. “When your done releasing sexual tensions, we have a meeting to continue!"~Francis Bonnefoy, Hetalia, English Dub” - Francis Bonnefoy

6. “I'm more lopsided than a one legged badger!" Graypaw stopped his careful stalking to wander comically across the clearing "I will have to settle for hunting stupid mice I shall just wander up to them, and sit on them until they surrender!” - Erin Hunter

7. “Everybody in!" I said.Which was when we discovered the final problem.Little Echos aren't designed to hold six, count them six, larger-than-average-sized children.And their wings.And a dog."This is like a clown car," Total grumbled front my lap in the front seat."Why does the dog get to sit in your lap?'' Gazzy asked plaintively, as we rattled and banged down the dark streets. "How about a kid?""Oh. 'The dog.' Very nice," said Total."Because you're not allowed to have people on your lap in the front seats," I explained. "It's not safe. If a cop saw us, we'd be stopped for sure. You want Total back there?"Everyone in the back screamed no at the same time.” - James Patterson

8. “We're like the Three Musketeers, searching for truth and justice and the American way.:Glitch snorted. "More like the Three Blind Mice, stumbling around trying to find a hunk of cheese in the dark.” - Darynda Jones

9. “Not saving you from this storm, mutant,” he said. “Saving you for your later fate, we are.”His voice was weirdly inflected and metallic, like an automated answering machine.“Oh, good. Yoda captured us,” Fang whispered.” - James Patterson

10. “Fang swerved closer to me, big and supremely graceful, like a black panther with wings. Oh, God. I'm so stupid. Forget I just said that. "He needs a Band-Aid," I said. A look passed between me and Fang, full of suppressed humor, relief, understanding,love — Forget I said that too. I don't know what's wrong with me.” - James Patterson

11. “A classroom . People trying to stick me in classrooms was becoming as predictable and annoying as people trying to kill me, but with less-fun results.” - James Patterson

12. “Okay, so, flying,” I started, taking a deep breath and focusing on the thing I loved most in the world. “Flying is … great. It feels great when you’re doing it. It’s fun. Pure freedom. There’s nothing better.”Dylan smiled, a slow, easy smile that seemed to light up his whole face.“So the first thing we’re going to do,” I told him, “is push you off the roof.” - James Patterson

13. “He nuzzled my neck, inhaling deeply. “Mmm. You smell so good.”“Oh, yeah,” I said, smirking. “I call this new perfume ‘Le Jungle grime et tropical BO.’ ”“Dirt and sweat. Very sexy.” - James Patterson

14. “I think a platform is missing its go-go dancer, Sabine." Fey's brutal tone cut through our courtesies.” - Andrea Cremer

15. “The human placenta is filled with nutritious benefits, one of which is creating a fertile environment. At my age, I'm going to need all the help I can to have a baby, and if having a placenta smoothie or two helps - I won't count it out.""That's like some pretty satanic shit." Ethan is quick to observe. "Like voodoo or something.” - Addison Moore

16. “The only thing that frightens me, Chloe, is that you keep lessening the six degrees of separation in our lives.” - Addison Moore

17. “She is INSANE," I scream, standing in the middle of Marshall's living room."Of course, she's insane. That would be your genealogy by the way.” - Addison Moore

18. “There are two covenants that cease to exist in the Master's Kingdom - death and marriage.""What an appropriate pairing," I muse."He thought so.” - Addison Moore

19. “Breast milk is big business." My mother uses my sarcasm as a springboard for her insanity. "We should consider opening a shop that caters to that market. We can call it 'The Milk Bar' or 'Mother's Milk'."...Ethan slaps his hand on the counter. "We can have ice cream made from that shit." He nods into my mother, stony faces, as if he didn't just let an expletive fly.” - Addison Moore

20. “It's like scrying into that weird space. There's so much coming out of him, it shouldn't be possible. Do you remember that woman who came in who was pregnant with quadruplets? It was like that, but worse.""He's pregnant?" Blue asked.” - Maggie Stiefvater

21. “Saw him where?""While I was sitting outside with one of my half aunts."This seemed to satisfy Ronan was well, because he asked, "What's the other half of her?""God, Ronan," Adam said. "Enough.” - Maggie Stiefvater

22. “Tell me it's not true."He sighed. "Fine. It's not true."...And yet..."Are you lying?"He rolled his eyes. "Of course I'm lying.""Not cool." I muttered.Kyle shrugged. "I didn't want you to start hyperventilating again." His hair fell over his eyes and he brushed it aside. "I figured annoying you was safer than admitting anything.” - Kathleen Peacock

23. “I don’t think I have the right parts to appreciate '50 Shades of Grey'.” - Chris Colfer

24. “She went in the pool," she finished for me. "Ohmigod. She was killed while tweeting. It was Twittercide!” - Gemma Halliday

25. “Did you see the look on that guy's face when he hit the ground? He was all like "Come here, defenceless little girl,' and then you were like 'BAM! Take that, suck-face! I've got superpowers!” - Bree Despain

26. “You're not seriously going?" Troy asks."Of course I'm going," I say. "What other choice do I have?""Um...not going.” - Tera Lynn Childs

27. “The stench that surrounded me suggested that the tarp over my face had been previously used either to transport fertiliser or as toilet paper.” - Annabel Monaghan

28. “I got home from the FBi that day, put on my pajamas got a pint of Chunky Monkey, and watched 'The Notebook'. Five times. Everyone left me alone. I suspect they were a little afraid of me. I went up to my room and listened to Taylor Swift's 'White Horse' on replay, knowing she was the only person in the world who could relate.” - Annabel Monaghan

29. “Which brings me to the point of this call." Thank God, baby Jesus, and the Holy Ghost.” - Jennifer L. Armentrout

30. “Caring about him was like trying to love a tree stump - a cold, mean-spirited paternalistic tree stump. With fungus.” - Cecily White

31. “You're the most annoying girl on the planet. You make me want to throw myself off a bridge. And, unfortunately, I am one hundred percent, head-over-heels, crazy in love with you.” - Cecily White

32. “I'm trying to compliment you," Barclay say. "Can't you just say thanks?” - Elizabeth Norris

33. “Well,” I said, needing to lighten the mood for him, “next time Kai tries to, um, bust your balls, you can give it right back to him, because he's got a girlfriend now, too.” - Wendy Higgins