35 Christopher Moore Quotes

Christopher Moore, an American author known for his unique blend of humor and wit, has carved out a special place in the hearts of readers around the world. With a knack for turning the ordinary into the extraordinary, Moore's novels are a delightful escape into worlds filled with eccentric characters, clever twists, and a sharp sense of satire. In this post, we’ve gathered a selection of 35 memorable quotes from his works, showcasing the profound and often hilarious insights that have endeared him to so many fans. Whether you're a long-time follower or new to his writings, these quotes are sure to entertain and inspire.

1. “Actually, orcas aren't quite as complex as scientists imagine. Most killer whales are just four tons of doofus dressed up like a police car.” - Christopher Moore

2. “The scientific method is nothing more than a system of rules to keep us from lying to each other.” - Ken Norris

3. “Careful crossing the street," Tommy called back to her as he crossed. [Jody is drunk]"Ha!" Jody said. "I am a finely tuned predator. I am a superbeing. I --" And at that point she bounced her forehead off a light pole with a dull twang and was suddenly lying on her back, looking at the streetlights above her, which kept going out of focus, the bastards.” - Christopher Moore

4. “...then he looked at my T-shirt and saw Byron's picture on it and he quoted "She Walks in Beauty," which is like my favorite poem next to the one by Baudelaire about his girlfriend being nothing but worm food, except that Lily called that one first because Baudelaire is her fave poet and so she got the shirt with him on it, even though Byron is way more scrumptious and I would do him on sharp gravel if I had the chance.--from The Chronicles of Abby Normal” - Christopher Moore

5. “Kayso, Foo finally came home and I jumped into his arms and sort of rode him to the ground with a massive tongue kiss so deep that I could taste the burned cinnamon toast of his soul, but then I slapped him, so he didn't think I was a slut. (Shut up, he had wood.)--Being the Journal of Abby Normal” - Christopher Moore

6. “Then someone started pounding on the door. And not a little "Hey, what's up?" pound. Like there was a big sale on door pounds down at the Pound Outlet. Buy one, get one free at Pounds-n-Stuff.--Being the Journal of Abby Normal” - Christopher Moore

7. “Pervy and redundant, don't you think?" I asked the big gay cop, who wouldn't know a va-jay-jay if it bounced up to him and sang the "Star-Spangled Banner." (You ever notice that hardly anything besides the "Star-Spangled Banner" is spangled? There's no, like, the Raisin-Spangled Scone, or the Flea-Spangled Beagle. I'm just saying.)--Being the Journal of Abby Normal” - Christopher Moore

8. “[...]I am a romance slut, and there's nothing I can do about it. If a guy does or says something romantic, I'm all "Oh, please excuse me, kind sir, let me dial down my IQ and oh, if it would please sir, may I offer you this moist, yet helpless va-jay-jay that seems to have lost its way."-The Chronicles of Abby Normal” - Christopher Moore

9. “So, like, the master needed a hand, if you know what I mean, so I was like, "Oh chill, it's a stress thing, everyone does it. I'm flicking the bean under the table right now just to dial the tension back a little. Yes. Yes. Yes! Oh-zombie-jeebus-fuck-me-Simba-lion-king-hakuna-matata! Yes!"--The Chronicles of Abby Normal” - Christopher Moore

10. “You want me and I want you. right?"Who did she think she was? You can't just go around blurting out the truth like a prophet with Tourette's Syndrome. He said, "Well, I guess. Yeah, that's right.” - Christopher Moore

11. “Theophilus Crowe's mobile phone played eight bars of "Tangled Up in Blue" in an irritating electronic voice that sounded like a choir of suffering houseflies, or Jiminy Cricket huffing helium, or, well, you know, Bob Dylan.” - Christopher Moore

12. “Alive," Kimi interrupted. "I get you out of typhoon alive and you just yell and say bad things. I quit. You get new navigator. Roberto say you mean, nasty, Chevy-driving, milk-drinking, American dog f*cker."I don't drink milk," Tuck said. Ha! Won that round.” - Christopher Moore

13. “Love? Sodding, bloody, tossing, bloody, sodding, bloody love? Irrelevant, superfluous, bloody, ruddy, rotten, sodding love? What ho? Wherefore? What the f*ck? Love?” - Christopher Moore

14. “[...] Y'know, the Duchess Regan is living here at the tower now? I took your advice about not talking about her boffnacity [footnote], even with the duke dead and all, can't be too careful. Although, I caught sight of her in a dressing gown one day she was up on the parapet outside her solar. Fine flanks on that princess, despite the danger of death and all for sayin' so, sir." -YeomenAye, the lady is fair, and her gadonk as fine as frog fur [...]" -Pocketfootnote: Boffnacity: an expression of shagnatiousness, fit. from the Latin boffusnatious” - Christopher Moore

15. “What is your name?" asked Lear.Caius," said Kent.And whence do you hail?"From Bonking, sire."Well, yes, lad, as do we all," said Lear, "but from what town?” - Christopher Moore

16. “Not yet!" said she [Goneril], trying to roll me over and get back to smacking my bum.She honked my codpiece.You honked my codpiece."Aye, give it up, fool." [...]” - Christopher Moore

17. “I'll not have an exchange with an impudent fool." [Oswald]He's not impudent," said Jones [the puppet]. "With proper inspiration, the lad sports a woody as stout as a mooring pin. Ask your lady."I nodded in agreement with the puppet, for he is most wise for having a brain of sawdust.Impudent! Impudent! Not impotent!" said Oswald, frothing a bit now.” - Christopher Moore

18. “A hundred brilliant witticisms died suffocating on the captain's heavy glove. Thus muted, I pumped my codpiece at the duke and tried to force a fart, but my bum tumpet could find no note.” - Christopher Moore

19. “Next out of the hall came the sisters and their husbands. Before I could say anything, the captain had clamped his hand over my mouth and was lifting me off my feet as I kicked. Cornwall made as to draw his dagger, but Regan pulled him away. "You've just won a kingdom, my duke, killing vermin is a servant's task. Leave the bitter fool stew in his own bile."She wanted me. It was clear.” - Christopher Moore

20. “My skin cleared up! I don't have a single zit." -TommyDing, ding, ding," Jody onomatopeed, signaling that Tommy had hit on the correct answer.” - Christopher Moore

21. “Which is why you chose to wear that delightful ensemble from the skank-wear collection at Hoes-n-Thangs?" -Tommy” - Christopher Moore

22. “Inside, I was like: "Ha, suck my spiky rubber strap-on, vampyre hunter!” - Christopher Moore

23. “I was all, "Oh, dog, Countess gonna crack open a forty of whup-ass on you now. Oh, you in the sh*t now, wigga!" (I am not incline to use hip-hop vernacular often, but there are times when, like French, it just better expresses the sentiment of the moment.) -Abby” - Christopher Moore

24. “Jody noticed that the kid was focused on the breasts, which were defying gravity, and apparently death itself, by standing there at complete attention” - Christopher Moore

25. “Like last year I took Advance Foods class (which is like cooking for nerds) after lunch, and so I usually took a nap. Which was fine, because I'm not even thrilled about regular foods, so, you know, what do I need with like advanced digital HD wi-fi foods and whatnot? -Abby” - Christopher Moore

26. “And he was like "The sedative in the blood, blah, blah, four hours, blah, blah, nerdspeak, geektalk -" -Abby” - Christopher Moore

27. “She glanced over her shoulder to look at the forty-foot cabin cruiser where Captain Tarwater posed on the bow looking like an advertisement for a particularly rigid laundry detergent - Bumstick Go-Be-Bright, perhaps” - Christopher Moore

28. “Ooo ahe-e, I aya oa a," she said in yawnspeak, a language - not unlike Hawaiian - known for its paucity of consonants.” - Christopher Moore

29. “The next day the weather was blown out, with whitecaps frosting the entire channel across to Lanai and the coconut palms whipping overhead like epileptic dust mops.” - Christopher Moore

30. “[Author's Notes] As I write this, September 2002, much about the humpback song is still unknown. (Although scientists do know that it tends to be found in the New Age music section, as well as in tropical waters...)” - Christopher Moore

31. “[Conservation] Barring that, just yell at people randomly to stop killing whales. It could catch on. Really.("Would you like fries with that?""Shut up and stop killing whales!""Thank you. Drive through, please.")” - Christopher Moore

32. “[Acknowledgments] I recommend them all for further reading, but when you're finished, you may have to read several of my books and watch a lot of TV just to get stupid enough to function in the modern world again.” - Christopher Moore

33. “She have to go pick up prescription, so I watch Sophie for short time. And tiny bears are happy when I go in bathroom.""Hamsters, Mrs. Korjev, not bears." .... "I've got her now," Charlie said. "One of you stay with her while I get rid of the H-A-M-S-T-E-R-S.""He mean the tiny bears.” - Christopher Moore

34. “My name," said Mr. Fresh."Pardon?" Charlie stopped tying himself up."I dress in mint green because of my first name. It's Minty."Charlie completely forgot what he was worried about. "Minty? Your name is Minty Fresh?"Charlie appeared to be trying to stifle a sneeze, but then snorted an explosive laugh. Then ducked.” - Christopher Moore

35. “Hope is bulletproof, truth just hard to hit” - Christopher Moore