Dark humor has a unique way of making light of life’s most uncomfortable and taboo subjects. It challenges conventional perspectives and often brings laughter where you least expect it. In this post, we’ve gathered a carefully selected list of the 36 best dark humor quotes that balance wit and edge, perfect for those who appreciate a little irony with their humor. Whether you’re looking to share a clever quip or just enjoy a different kind of laugh, these quotes are sure to hit the mark.
1. “Despite my ghoulish reputation, I really have the heart of a small boy. I keep it in a jar on my desk.” - Robert Bloch
2. “I've committed to nothing...and that's just suicide...by tiny, tiny increments.” - Nick Hornby
3. “One hand was behind his back, and he held it out, presenting a bouquet of white and smoky purple lilies. “They’re straight from the underworld, by the way. They are everlasting. They won’t die.” - Jess C. Scott
4. “The general plot of life is sometimes shaped by the different ways genuine intelligence combines with equally genuine ignorance.” - Lucy Grealy
5. “Nothing can unman you like an un-man.” - Chuck Hogan
6. “I envy people that know love. That have someone who takes them as they are.” - Jess C. Scott
7. “Mr Cjelli, nice to see you back, sir. Sorry you had a spot of bother, hope that's all behind you now.""Indeed, Bill, it is. You find me thriving. And Mrs Roberts? How is she? Foot still troubling her?""Not since she had it off, thanks for asking, sir. Between you and me, sir, I would've been just as happy to have had her amputated and kept the foot. I had a little spot reserved on the mantelpiece, but there we are, we have to take things as we find them."(...)"...thank you, and my best to what remains of Mrs Roberts.” - Douglas Adams
8. “For 3 million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person. (on Margaret Thatcher)” - Frankie Boyle
9. “All I did was offer to kill your dog, and the next thing I know I’m being judged.” - Tom Upton
10. “So I heard the boom of my father's rifle when he shot my best friend. A bullet only costs about two cents, and anybody can afford that.” - Sherman Alexie
11. “[Or perhaps my friends should have realized that they shouldn't have left behind the FRICKING REASON FOR THEIR PROTEST!And that thought just cracked me up.]It was like my friends had walked over the backs of baby seals in order to get to the beach where they could protest against the slaughter of baby seals.” - Sherman Alexie
12. “Love is a madness. Love is Failer - Durzo Blint” - Brent Weeks
13. “Relationships are ropes. Love is a noose. - Durzo Blint” - Brent Weeks
14. “It doesn’t matter what other people think when you’re right - John Cleaver” - Dan Wells
15. “A man’s greatest treasures are his illusions - Durzo Blint” - Brent Weeks
16. “I yank open the cutlery drawer to be confronted with an anomaly worse than emails from dead people or a man with a gun sitting on my bed. It's a large carving knife with a viciously serrated edge and two broken teeth. It's tarnished with rust. It's not mine. And neither is the china figurine of a kitten with one paw playfully raised, also stained with rust. But it's not rust. It's not rust at all. Perversely, the thought that flashes through my brain is "I can haz murder weapon?" I laugh out loud, a sobbing hiccup.” - Lauren Beukes
17. “Jaz is their drummer. He’s pretty damn good too. Hell, he’s pretty damn good at everything he’s ever tried. Creative little shit.” - Lissa Matthews
18. “Bomb', Reyes said, not bothering to look up.'One of ours?' Maddox insisted...'Hardly. I know better than to blow myself up,' Reyes sighed.” - Gena Showalter
19. “Stridey-Man' asked, Want 2 vacay w/me?William snorted as he typed. Romantic getaway for 2? UR not my type, dickwad.Fuck U. i'm everybody's types. So U in or out?Last chance in or out?InKnew U couldn't resist me. B ready in 5.Right on. Make it 10. I want 2 style my hair for U. U know, just how U like it.ASSHOLE.” - Gena Showalter
20. “Nearly all a poor bastard's desires are punishable by jail.” - Louis-Ferdinand Celine
21. “What's the whole point of being pretty on the outside when you’re so ugly on the inside?” - Jess C. Scott
22. “You may be married to a star, but that doesn't mean they'll treat you like one.” - Jess C. Scott
23. “It took me a moment. I blinked, and suddenly it swam into focus and I had to frown very hard to keep myself from giggling out loud like the schoolgirl Deb had accused me of being. Because he had arranged the arms and legs in letters, and the letters spelled out a single small word: BOO. The three torsos were carefully arranged below the BOO in a quarter-circle, making a cute little Halloween smile. What a scamp.” - Jeff Lindsay
24. “It's better to be loved than feared, but if you can't be loved, then fear will do.-Dino quoting Machiavelli” - Laurell K. Hamilton
25. “Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought...once you've hired the car...” - Tim Key
26. “My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin.” - DeAnne Smith
27. “Please, please be some sex-starved nutcase who wants to kidnap me and make me your love slave, I begged silently.” - Cate Tiernan
28. “Dennis, please. I don't know what-""Shut the fuck up, and stop playing me for an idiot. And secondly, and more importantly, I've unearthed some disturbing information about you which I want to discuss in more detail before I fill you with holes.” - Simon Kernick
29. “... a man doesn't like to have his ego popped, especially when he prides himself on his sagacity, and then to be proved wrong by a man who claims he doesn't know anything.” - E.A. Bucchianeri
30. “Ever since I saw you”—she pulled me closer and draped both of my legs over her shoulders. Her eyes blazed with hunger—“I have just wanted to eat you up.” - Elizabeth Morgan
31. “Lastly, say to me, if you can, with feelings as tender as mine for you: my dear Beelzebub, I adore you...” - Jacques Cazotte
32. “AK 47, is perfect copy, yes? Every detail. Like real thing. Yes. Kalashnikov. Your boy, he be happy for Uncle Sante, no?”“I’m sorry, Sante. It’s really nice of you, but I don’t want Sofus playing with guns.”Conversation between George Hanson and SanteIn The Shadow of Sadd” - Steen Langstrup
33. “Well, fame is a drug and when you take it away from an addict, things can get ugly.” - Melissa Jo Peltier
34. “Today’s generation didn’t want to watch ancient actors reciting the same tired lines. They wanted to see themselves reflected onscreen –rude, raw, entitled. These kids needed to believe that they themselves were only one daring, controversial act away from being up on that screen themselves. ” - Melissa Jo Peltier
35. “A million dollars? A bit much don't you think?""Fuck you." Caleb smiled, the self indulgent little shit. "My apologies," he mocked with a slight forward bow, "What I meant to say is: no pussy's that good. Though yours does come close.” - CJ Roberts
36. “From his vantage, three steps back and to the right, Tallow could see Rosato's eye a good five inches outside Rosato's head and still attached to his eye socket by a mess of red worms. In that single second, Tallow abstractedly realized that in his last moment of life, James Rosato could see his killer from two different angles.” - Warren Ellis
