37 Humorous Quotes And Sayings

Laughter is the best medicine, and what better way to sprinkle a bit of joy into your day than with some witty wisdom? We've scoured the corners of the internet, combed through books, and even eavesdropped on some hilarious conversations to bring you a curated collection of the top 37 humorous quotes and sayings. Whether you're seeking a mood boost, something clever to say, or just a twist of wit to share with friends, these quotes have got you covered.

1. “There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.” - Dennis Miller

2. “Writers don't get mad they get even in their novels.” - Candace Bowen Early

3. “I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.” - Dennis Miller

4. “My embarrassment was complete. If I just had passed out, that would have been bad enough. But to make matters worse, Will had carried me outside, where everyone else was; everyone in my youth group had seen Will carrying me. I felt like melting into the bench on which I sat.” - Anne K. Riley

5. “All real estate agents should be put on a decommissioned naval frigate which is then towed out into the deepest part of the Atlantic and sunk. It's rather unfortunate that, in recent years, real estate agents have become comedy betes-noires. Rather like lawyers or used car salesmen. Every time they mention their job they probably get people amusingly making the sign of the cross at them or are subjected to some good-natured, humorous ribbing. This has the effect of distorting what I'm trying to say here, which isn't in the nature of a smiling roll of the eyes and a "Tsk, real estate agents, eh?" but rather "All real estate agents should be put on a decommissioned naval frigate which is then towed out into the deepest part of the Atlantic and sunk.” - Mil Millington

6. “A “good friend” was well…. Like your teeth.You had a limited number of them to last you an entire lifetime.You could survive without them, but having them made life much more enjoyable.If you didn’t take good care of them, you could lose them forever.” - Rob Wood

7. “Have you ever heard of a condom? Don't Carpathians have condoms? Because I'm thinking that if you're all that worried, a condom might be just the thing." His smile was slow in coming. "I had not thought of that. As a rule Carpathians do not need such things.” - Christine Feehan

8. “Pan Bilbo ho naučil i číst a psát — nic zlýho tím ovšem nemyslela doufám, že z toho nic zlýho nevzejde” - Tolkien, J. R. R.

9. “Mister if you want more to join,’ She said half-choked ‘you’ll have to put in the coin.” - Angelo Tsanatelis

10. “Today I feel like I did tomorrow.” - Carroll Bryant

11. “Generally speaking, I try not to generalize.” - Addison C. Arthur

12. “Life plots elegantly.” - Alice Randall

13. “That's all you need? Easy. I love you.Okay? Want it louder?I love you. Spell it out schould I l-o-v-e y-o-u. Want it backwards You love I.” - William Goldman

14. “I haven't devoured a soul in...What month is this? March?” - Rick Riordan

15. “The ultimate downfall of the computerized holographic receptionist was that there was no amount of flattery, flirtation or chocolate that could convince one to lie for you.” - Scott B. Pruden

16. “Said Opie Read to E.P. Roe,"How do you like Gaboriau?""I like him very much indeed!"Said E.P. Roe to Opie Read.” - Julian Street

17. “Science and discovery, especially in the field of non-abnormal pediatric mysteries, is built on the work of those who have been sneezed on before us. Causation and rationale may someday be reached, but until then it is the heartwarming and parental nature of the journey that drives us on; well, that and a fresh box of Kleenex.” - Spuds Crawford

18. “She looked like a dead Teletubby.” - Babe Walker

19. “Pop music is like an auditory cup of coffee. It has no nutritional value but it gets you going.” - Jim Moorman

20. “Sharks to not eat Chinese people because they get hungry thirty minutes later".” - R. Alan Woods

21. “Charity knew she had to begin looking for a job soon. Definitely tomorrow, or the next day. Or perhaps the day after that. Charity didn't believe in procrastination. She just needed to plan her strategy. She was sound asleep on the sofa when Lady Margaret got back from London.” - Elizabeth Jane Howard

22. “Among wilderness survival tips, punching a wild animal in the face probably isn’t on a checklist.” - Kat Kruger

23. “If you two yentas are finished discussing Claire’s rabid who-ha, me and the boys would like to eat sometime this century.""You and 'the boys?' You just met them today. Does the Ya Ya Brotherhood already have a secret handshake and a password?" Liz joked.” - T.J. Sivec

24. “You would more probably have gone to the guillotine,' replied Sir Tristram, depressingly matter of fact.'Yes, that is quite true,' agreed Eustacie. 'We used to talk of it, my cousin Henriette and I. We made up our minds we should be entirely brave, not crying, of course, but perhaps a little pale, in a proud way. Henriette wished to go to the guillotine en grande tenue, but that was only because she had a court dress of yellow satin which she thought became her much better than it did really. For me, I think one should wear white to the guillotine if one is quite young, and not carry anything except perhaps a handkerchief. Do you not agree?''I don't think it signifies what you wear if you are on your way to the scaffold,' replied Sir Tristram, quite unappreciative of the picture his cousin was dwelling on with such evident admiration.She looked at him in surprise. 'Don't you? But consider! You would be very sorry for a young girl in a tumbril, dressed all in white, pale, but quite unafraid, and not attending to the canaille at all, but--''I should be very sorry for anyone in a tumbril, whatever their age or sex or apparel,' interrupted Sir Tristram.'You would be more sorry for a young girl--all alone, and perhaps bound,' said Eustacie positively.'You wouldn't be all alone. There would be a great many other people in the tumbril with you,' said Sir Tristram.Eustacie eyed him with considerable displeasure. 'In my tumbril there would not have been a great many other people,' she said.” - Georgette Heyer

25. “Holy paranormal activity, Nightingale - to the Jag mobile.” - Ben Aaronovitch

26. “The thought of my mother talking to me about sex makes me want to stab my eyes out with a fork, gouge even deeper and scramble my brains to prevent the conversation from ever happening.” - Addison Moore

27. “How bad could things be if my hair was neat?” - Jeff Lindsay

28. “[...] for the philosophy of Square rendered him superior to all emotions, and he very calmly smoaked his pipe, as was his custom in all broils, unless when he apprehended some danger of having it broke in his mouth.” - Henry Fielding

29. “This country would get along much better if people learned how to suffer in silence.” - Neil Gaiman

30. “I apply for a new job twice a week, every week. I am applying for the position of millionaire but so far my numbers haven't come up.” - Brian Randleas

31. “Kope!” the other guy yeled. “What the frick?! You got some cheetah blood in you or what?”“Seriously!” insisted Blake. “How did you run so fast?”“I am African.” Without taking his eyes from mine, Kopano eased himself off me, and I sat up.” - Wendy Higgins

32. “I hope I know my own unworthiness, and that I hate and despise myself and all my fellow-creatures as every practicable Christian should.” - Charles Dickens

33. “A rainy day is like a lovely gift -- you can sleep late and not feel guilty.” - Elizabeth Jane Howard

34. “She would thump them both, and she would apologize to neither.” - Kristin Cashore

35. “My goal is to do something outrageous every day.” - Maggie Kuhn

36. “No one is normal. Everyone is just pretending to be normal.” - Alessandra Torre

37. “The main difference between a lawyer and a prostitute is that a prostitute won't screw you after you're dead.” - Mark Jones