38 Hilarious Comedy Quotes

Laughter is a universal language that brings people together, making even the toughest days a little more bearable. Whether you’re dealing with stress, seeking a quick mood boost, or simply in need of a chuckle, a well-timed joke or witty remark can work wonders. That's why we've put together this curated collection of the top 38 hilarious comedy quotes guaranteed to tickle your funny bone. So sit back, relax, and prepare to giggle your way through some of the finest comedic wisdom ever shared. Let's dive into this laughter-filled journey and brighten your day with humor!

1. “Life in the movie business is like the beginning of a new love affair: it's full of surprises, and you're constantly getting fucked.” - David Mamet

2. “I fart in your general direction.” - Graham Chapman

3. “Even amidst tragedy there is laughter, sometimes farce. The degree of farce depends on who is running the tragedy.” - Daniel Prokop

4. “BARBARIC!” - Robert Byrd

5. “You got one guy going boom, one guy going whack, and one guy not getting in the endzone.” - john madden

6. “The dog ran into the kitchen, stuck his nose in Grandma's crotch, and snuffled.Dang," Grandma said. "Guess my new perfume really works. I'm gonna have to try it out at the seniors meeting.” - Janet Evanovich

7. “The most comic things of all are exactly the things most worth doing--such as making love.” - G.K. Chesterton

8. “Over the road there was a church: a modern gray building, which constantly played a recording of church bells. Strange it was. Why no proper bells? I never went in but I bet it was a robot church for androids, where the Bible was in binary and their Jesus had laser eyes and metal claws.” - Russell Brand

9. “It isn't a matter of black is beautiful as much as it is white is not all that's beautiful. ” - Bill Cosby

10. “Anyone who is considered funny will tell you, sometimes without even your asking, that deep inside they are very serious, neurotic, introspective people.” - Wendy Wasserstein

11. “Tatiana is a ridiculously curvy thing of dreams, with smooth succulent thighs, long strawberry blond cascading beneath a teal bandana, and a nympho sparkle in her eyes that says pick me, lick me, spank me, or I punish you. Raw innocence and mayhem at once.” - Brett Tate

12. “Mishaque was a stouty blend of Irish "shrek" mixed with crazy Jafakain, his front was car dealing.” - Saira Viola

13. “I have some bad news. Bjork cannot be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her.” - Jon Stewart

14. “I want to experience as many different tastes, sights, emotions, conflicts, and cultures as possible, so that I can expand the canvas of my memory and enrich my comedy.” - Patton Oswalt

15. “Miss Butterworth and the Mad Baron,” Sebastian said approvingly. “Excellent choice.”“You have read this?” Alexei asked.“It’s not as good as Miss Davenport and the Dark Marquis, of course, but worlds better than Miss Sainsbury and the Mysterious Colonel.”Harry found himself rendered speechless.“I’m reading Miss Truesdale and the Silent Gentleman right now.”“Silent?” Harry echoed.“There is a noticeable lack of dialogue,” Sebastian confirmed.” - Julia Quinn

16. “Comedy is tragedy standing on its head with its pants down.” - Chris Crutcher

17. “He was a humorist, and everyone knew the funny writers were the most serious sort under their skins.” - Paula Mclain

18. “Ms. Fang is the nicest, sweetest teacher at Scary School. She only ate twelve kids last year.” - Derek The Ghost

19. “بعضهم يقول إن الحياة قصيرة، وأنك قد تموت في حادث سيارة في أي لحظة، فعليك أن تعيش كل يوم كأنه آخر أيامك. هذا هراء. الحيـاة طويلة. ومن المحتمل جداً أنك لا تموت في حادث سيارة، وعندها عليك أن تعيش مع نتائج خياراتك لمدة خمسين عاماً” - Chris Rock

20. “What are you gonna help us with? That very tiny used condom?” - Booth

21. “Hey, he's not using a holster," I said, glancing at Alex's on the dresser. He laughed out loud. "Yeah, I guess he must want something shooting off. It'd be so great if these things were true to life - the next scene would show him at hospital like, clutching himself in agony."'Angel - L.A.Weatherly” - L.A.Weatherly

22. “To call that writing, madam, is an insult to quills and ink across the world.” - Julia Quinn

23. “I am going to kill you," he hissed.She gulped. "Don't you want to lecture me first?"He stared at her with a heavy dose of stupefaction."I take that back," he said with precisely clippedwords. "First I am going to strangle you, and then I am going to kill you.""Here?" she asked doubtfully, looking around. "Won't my dead body look suspicious in the morning?” - Julia Quinn

24. “Your confidence in me is heartwarming.Makes me want to return all the money I stole from the little old ladies and kick the heroin.” - Jennifer Echols

25. “A smaller rocket cut across the sky, trailing smoke. It exploded in a red heart."Awwwww!" said the crowd."Upside down," said Sean.The heart was, indeed, upside down. It grew and grew, upside down, until it's lights trailed and faded.A bigger rocket exploded in bright golden sparks, and then came another red heart."Upside down," said all the boys.Three explosions layered on top of one another, gold, blue, pink. Then still another red heart exploded, growing and growing before it faded."Upside down," said everyone in the boat but me.My own heart expanded for Adam.I whispered, "I know what he meant.” - Jennifer Echols

26. “I noticed Xander had subtly adjusted his posture. He slouched slightly to the side, let his head hang, and then looked up through his bangs to gaze at something in the middle distance. Uber James Dean. Xander managed to pull it off as if he was looking at nothing, just having deep thoughts about the far away adventures he would be having if he wasn’t stuck waiting for a flowered suitcase at Hopkins International. I casually let my eyes slide across the room. There had to be cute girls somewhere close at hand. Otherwise Xander wouldn’t have broken out his middle distance gazing Tyrone Power eyes.” - Adrianne Ambrose

27. “Nothing gives you confidence like being a member of a small, weirdly specific, hard-to-find demographic.” - Mindy Kaling

28. “Those of you who are not aware of my brilliant career as a stand up comic, I'm not aware of it either so we might well wonder what we're doing here.” - Alan Rickman

29. “[T]he definition of 'crazy' in show business is a woman who keeps talking even after no one wants to fuck her anymore.” - Tina Fey

30. “Sticks and stones may break your bones but words can break hearts.” - Tim Minchin

31. “BALLS! We want the finest wines available to humanity. We want them HERE, and we want them NOW.” - Bruce Robinson

32. “Either to die the death or to abjureFor ever the society of men.Therefore, fair Hermia, question your desires;Know of your youth, examine well your blood,Whether, if you yield not to your father's choice,You can endure the livery of a nun,For aye to be in shady cloister mew'd,To live a barren sister all your life,Chanting faint hymns to the cold fruitless moon.Thrice-blessed they that master so their blood,To undergo such maiden pilgrimage;But earthlier happy is the rose distill'd,Than that which withering on the virgin thornGrows, lives and dies in single blessedness.” - William Shakespeare

33. “You barbarians!' he yelled. 'I'll sue the council for every penny it's got! I'll have you hung, drawn and quartered! And whipped! And boiled...until...until...until...until you've had enough.'Ford was running after him. Very very fast.'And then I will do it again!' yelled Arthur, 'And when I've finished I will take all the little bits, and I will jump on them!” - Douglas Adams

34. “She forks up a little nibble and wedges it in her mouth. "Yum," she croaks.Mrs. Wong looks pleased. "It's made with tofu."I can't resist. "Free-range tofu?"My mother looks over at me sharply. Mrs. Wong takes the bait. "Now, Cassidy, tofu isn't an animal," she chides. "It's soy bean curd. Soy bean curd doesn't need to roam free."On the floor below me, Emma lets out a little snort. I nudge her again with my foot. We're both grinning at the thought of a corral somewhere with little cubes of tofu wandering around. "Home, home on the range," I sing to her under my breath. "Where the deer and the tofu roam free...” - Heather Vogel Frederick

35. “Life is a great big canvas; throw all tje paint you can at it.” - Danny Kaye

36. “Chancellor Gerhard Schröder has several times made statements to the effect that we Europeans should not cultivate a superficial anti-Americanism. But mine isn't superficial at all.Personally I have nothing against the US itself - it's a beautiful country - it's the people who live there that are the problem.I guess you could say it's the same thing with Bavaria.” - Volker Pispers

37. “A farce or comedy is best played; a tragedy is best read at home.” - Abraham Lincoln

38. “It's early on a beautiful winter morning. The house is quiet. The sun is shining. I'm thankful. I'm happy. My cup runneth over. Now there's coffee everywhere.” - Mindy Levy