38 Humorous Quotes To Brighten Day

Finding a reason to smile can often turn a gloomy day around, and what better way to do that than with a dash of humor? Whether you're in need of a chuckle during a tough day at work or a light-hearted moment to share with friends, humorous quotes can provide the perfect pick-me-up. That's why we've put together a carefully curated collection of the top 38 humorous quotes designed to brighten your day. These quotes range from witty one-liners to clever observations, guaranteed to bring a smile to your face and add a touch of joy to any situation. Dive in and let the laughter begin!

1. “99% of all problems can be solved by money -- and for the other 1% there's alcohol.” - Quentin R. Bufogle

2. “I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.” - Dennis Miller

3. “All real estate agents should be put on a decommissioned naval frigate which is then towed out into the deepest part of the Atlantic and sunk. It's rather unfortunate that, in recent years, real estate agents have become comedy betes-noires. Rather like lawyers or used car salesmen. Every time they mention their job they probably get people amusingly making the sign of the cross at them or are subjected to some good-natured, humorous ribbing. This has the effect of distorting what I'm trying to say here, which isn't in the nature of a smiling roll of the eyes and a "Tsk, real estate agents, eh?" but rather "All real estate agents should be put on a decommissioned naval frigate which is then towed out into the deepest part of the Atlantic and sunk.” - Mil Millington

4. “A “good friend” was well…. Like your teeth.You had a limited number of them to last you an entire lifetime.You could survive without them, but having them made life much more enjoyable.If you didn’t take good care of them, you could lose them forever.” - Rob Wood

5. “Sam was waiting for her,his gaze sweeping over her. "Looks great." "I look like a geek," Lucy said. "I smell like a brewery. And I need a bra.""My dream date.” - Lisa Kleypas

6. “Pan Bilbo ho naučil i číst a psát — nic zlýho tím ovšem nemyslela doufám, že z toho nic zlýho nevzejde” - Tolkien, J. R. R.

7. “Mister if you want more to join,’ She said half-choked ‘you’ll have to put in the coin.” - Angelo Tsanatelis

8. “Today I feel like I did tomorrow.” - Carroll Bryant

9. “I just want you to know,' said the girl, coldly, 'that whoever you are and whatever you intend with me, I shall give you no aid of any kind, nor shall I assist you, and I shall do whatever is in my power to frustrate your plans and devices.' And then she added, with feeling, 'Idiot.” - Neil Gaiman

10. “Life plots elegantly.” - Alice Randall

11. “I'm not lazy. I'm just really gifted, only instead of being good at music or math I'm good at sleeping late.” - Elizabeth Jane Howard

12. “F***ing triffids.” - Scott B. Pruden

13. “The ultimate downfall of the computerized holographic receptionist was that there was no amount of flattery, flirtation or chocolate that could convince one to lie for you.” - Scott B. Pruden

14. “By the standards of a tourist strolling past looking for a quick lunch, the place was a dive. The sign on the window was small and easy to miss, and the antique feel of the place wasn't the prepackaged, old-shit-on-the-wall nostalgia that came with so many chain restaurants. The cafe was just old, and everything about it said old. But Jon liked it that way, if only because it kept the tourists away and spared him from hearing imported ignorance when there was plenty of local ignorance to go around.” - Scott B. Pruden

15. “She looked like a dead Teletubby.” - Babe Walker

16. “Instead of hopping around like a wild in'jun on fire, try counting from 10 backwards while hopping on one foot".” - R. Alan Woods

17. “Sharks to not eat Chinese people because they get hungry thirty minutes later".” - R. Alan Woods

18. “Stop crying. You're giving archangels everywhere a bad name.” - Becca Fitzpatrick

19. “The other shoppers were too well behaved to stare at the green-headed stoner and the tear-streaked lady zigzagging up the aisles with a chubby bearded guy scurrying behind them picking up the things they dropped.” - Amy Goldman Koss

20. “Charity knew she had to begin looking for a job soon. Definitely tomorrow, or the next day. Or perhaps the day after that. Charity didn't believe in procrastination. She just needed to plan her strategy. She was sound asleep on the sofa when Lady Margaret got back from London.” - Elizabeth Jane Howard

21. “If you two yentas are finished discussing Claire’s rabid who-ha, me and the boys would like to eat sometime this century.""You and 'the boys?' You just met them today. Does the Ya Ya Brotherhood already have a secret handshake and a password?" Liz joked.” - T.J. Sivec

22. “You would more probably have gone to the guillotine,' replied Sir Tristram, depressingly matter of fact.'Yes, that is quite true,' agreed Eustacie. 'We used to talk of it, my cousin Henriette and I. We made up our minds we should be entirely brave, not crying, of course, but perhaps a little pale, in a proud way. Henriette wished to go to the guillotine en grande tenue, but that was only because she had a court dress of yellow satin which she thought became her much better than it did really. For me, I think one should wear white to the guillotine if one is quite young, and not carry anything except perhaps a handkerchief. Do you not agree?''I don't think it signifies what you wear if you are on your way to the scaffold,' replied Sir Tristram, quite unappreciative of the picture his cousin was dwelling on with such evident admiration.She looked at him in surprise. 'Don't you? But consider! You would be very sorry for a young girl in a tumbril, dressed all in white, pale, but quite unafraid, and not attending to the canaille at all, but--''I should be very sorry for anyone in a tumbril, whatever their age or sex or apparel,' interrupted Sir Tristram.'You would be more sorry for a young girl--all alone, and perhaps bound,' said Eustacie positively.'You wouldn't be all alone. There would be a great many other people in the tumbril with you,' said Sir Tristram.Eustacie eyed him with considerable displeasure. 'In my tumbril there would not have been a great many other people,' she said.” - Georgette Heyer

23. “Holidays were invented so single women could overeat without feeling guilty.” - Elizabeth Jane Howard

24. “Holy paranormal activity, Nightingale - to the Jag mobile.” - Ben Aaronovitch

25. “When a guy says,'I'll call you,' and he doesn't say when-that means he won't call you." Kit pulled his phone out of his pocket and pressed a couple buttons. My phone vibrated in my pocket. I fished it out, smiling. "Madness," Kit whispered softly into his phone. "I meant I'd call you. This is me calling you.” - Sarah Rees Brennan

26. “... a man doesn't like to have his ego popped, especially when he prides himself on his sagacity, and then to be proved wrong by a man who claims he doesn't know anything.” - E.A. Bucchianeri

27. “A massage is just like a movie, really relaxing and a total escape, except in a massage you're the star. And you don't miss anything by falling asleep!” - Elizabeth Jane Howard

28. “The thought of my mother talking to me about sex makes me want to stab my eyes out with a fork, gouge even deeper and scramble my brains to prevent the conversation from ever happening.” - Addison Moore

29. “If all else fails, stop drop and roll..works for me..:)” - Melissa Mercer

30. “This country would get along much better if people learned how to suffer in silence.” - Neil Gaiman

31. “I apply for a new job twice a week, every week. I am applying for the position of millionaire but so far my numbers haven't come up.” - Brian Randleas

32. “Whats up home skillet, biscuit.” - Ali Cooper

33. “A rainy day is like a lovely gift -- you can sleep late and not feel guilty.” - Elizabeth Jane Howard

34. “She would thump them both, and she would apologize to neither.” - Kristin Cashore

35. “O Lord! he concluded, forgive all these trespasses. Lead me not into Penn Station.” - Saul Bellow

36. “You should see the murderous stares I get on the street. Though I think that has less to do with seeing a man carrying a purse and more to do with paisley. Paisley makes everyone cranky.” - Lisa Henry

37. “No one is normal. Everyone is just pretending to be normal.” - Alessandra Torre

38. “Dude! Get a fucking grip, it's just a song! When had I turned into a 5-yr-old girl? At the very least, I needed to get my libido under control before the song finished, because I didn’t think that my raging hard-on would be a good icebreaker. Well, figuratively speaking anyway, I thought smugly.” - M.C. Lavocat