38 Sarcastic And Witty Humor Quotes

In a world where seriousness often takes center stage, a touch of sarcasm and wit can be just the comic relief we need. Whether you're navigating the complexities of daily life or simply looking to add some laughter to your day, sarcastic and witty humor quotes offer a clever perspective on our quirks and idiosyncrasies. Dive into this curated collection of the top 38 quotes, each one a testament to the artful dance of sharp humor and playful mockery. These quotes promise to tickle your funny bone and perhaps even inspire you to adopt a more humorous outlook on life's everyday adventures.

1. “Too young,too young,she chanted to herself.Wrong,of course.I was older than her grandfather but according to my driver's license,she was right.” - Stephenie Meyer

2. “I know, 0 Caesar, that thou art awaiting my arrival with impatience, that thy true heart of a friend is yearning day and night for me. I know that thou art ready to cover me with gifts, make me prefect of the pretorian guards, and command Tigellinus to be that which the gods made him, a mule-driver in those lands which thou didst inherit after poisoning Domitius. Pardon me, however, for I swear to thee by Hades, and by the shades of thy mother, thy wife, thy brother, and Seneca, that I cannot go to thee. Life is a great treasure. I have taken the most precious jewels from that treasure, but in life there are many things which I cannot endure any longer. Do not suppose, I pray, that I am offended because thou didst kill thy mother, thy wife, and thy brother; that thou didst burn Eome and send to Erebus all the honest men in thy dominions. No, grandson of Chronos. Death is the inheritance of man; from thee other deeds could not have been expected. But to destroy one's ear for whole years with thy poetry, to see thy belly of a Domitius on slim legs whirled about in a Pyrrhic dance; to hear thy music, thy declamation, thy doggerel verses, wretched poet of the suburbs, — is a thing surpassing my power, and it has roused in me the wish to die. Eome stuffs its ears when it hears thee; the world reviles thee. I can blush for thee no longer, and I have no wish to do so. The howls of Cerberus, though resembling thy music, will be less offensive to me, for I have never been the friend of Cerberus, and I need not be ashamed of his howling. Farewell, but make no music; commit murder, but write no verses; poison people, but dance not; be an incendiary, but play not on a cithara. This is the wish and the last friendly counsel sent thee by the — Arbiter Elegantiae.” - Henryk Sienkiewicz

3. “Ok look man, you clearly are not hard up for money, you’re driving a range rover, so call whoever has your jaguar or benz and ask them to help you out. I got things to do.” - Holly Hood

4. “Brave lodgings for one, brave lodgings for one,A few feet of cold earth, when life is done;A stone at the head, a stone at the feet,A rich, juicy meal for the worms to eat;Rank grass over head, and damp clay around,Brave lodgings for one, these, in holy ground!” - Charles Dickens

5. “One might be led to suspect that there were all sorts of things going on in the Universe which he or she did not thoroughly understand.” - Kurt Vonnegut

6. “Mr. Sand, do you think it's possible to fall in love in the space of a single day?"He smiled. "I wouldn't know. I only fall in love at night. Never lasts beyond breakfast, though.” - Tessa Dare

7. “Don't waste yer' breath kid. Explainin' anything to that one? It's like tryin' ta' slap the dumb off a retard... -George Foster” - Shawn Durnin

8. “The worst thing about the dead rising? (Other than, you know, all the zombies?) The smell. Nothing kills the mood like the odor of three day old road kill and poo... -Katherine Anita Cho(KyCH)” - Shawn Durnin

9. “Rupert: "... At this rate, somebody is bound to upset the Warlock once too often, and we'll end up with a Court full of bemused looking toads.""He wouldn't dare use his magic here," said the Champion."Don't bet on it," said Rupert. "The High Warlock has all the practicality and self-preservation instincts of a depressed lemming.” - Simon R. Green

10. “I was debating on jumping and ending my despair over losing my best friend, but I decided to call you instead.” - Holly Hood

11. “I'd tell you nice try, but... it wasn't.” - Cynder

12. “You're a big, lovable teddy bear.” - Michael Grant

13. “Though he’d never know for sure what had happened to them, his mind was super talented at imagining the absolute worst.” - James Dashner

14. “Kidnapped by a vampire, death by a squid. How tragic.” - Abigail Gibbs

15. “Hey!” Mena exclaimed “Don’t knock Jeopardy. I love that show”“So do I” Max admitted.“I like it when I know the answers.” Logan added.Trent turned to Logan, “Dude, if you hate the show, all you had to do was say so.” - Amanda Kelly

16. “The 100% American is 99% idiot.” - George Bernard Shaw

17. “It is not necesssary to understand things in order to argue about them.” - Caron De Beaumarchais

18. “I believe in luck: how else can you explain the success of those you don't like?” - Jean Cocteau

19. “I feel your scorn, and I accept it.” - Jon Stewart

20. “Jaime, dear, forgive me, but I don't think you are man enough to take care of my Cass. She's a special kind of difficult.” - Mercy Celeste

21. “I decided that a movie marathon was clearly in order. I tried to narrow down the options. Anything romantic was definitely out, as was anything involving space travel, kings, or handsome princes. Preferably there should be no good-looking men whatsoever, lest they remind me of Aeron. Sadly, that eliminated practically everything.” - M.A. George

22. “Yeah, sure,” I scoffed. “You’re the picture of respectability and moral character…You expect me to believe you were your parents’ worst nightmare? What was your criminal act of choice—drunken bar fights? Or maybe grand theft auto? Don’t tell me you sold the crown jewels to buy drugs…It’s so disappointingly cliché.” - M.A. George

23. “I wish I could say I’m low maintenance, but I like some of the finer things in life…like a toothbrush.” - M.A. George

24. “See, that’s just it…You shouldn’t even know sayings like that,” I griped. “It takes normal people years to pick up on all those little phrases. Do you have any idea how stupid I feel, when I can’t even say ‘Hello, my name is Palta…Oh, and by the way—I’m the village idiot.’?” - M.A. George

25. “I can only imagine what goes on in that head of yours…” he teased. “I assure you I haven’t taken up black magic, ritualistic sacrifice, or—”“Plushophilia?” I tagged on.“Excuse me?…” came his half-confused, half-intrigued reaction.“An obsession with stuffed animals,” I clarified. “I mean, you are a young one…”“Where did you come up with that?” He kept his hands firmly covering my eyes, but I could hear the amused smile in his voice. “Is that even a real word?”“I’m a doctor, I know these things,” I shrugged.” - M.A. George

26. “You get a kick out of shocking the pants off me, don’t you?” I shook my head with a smirk.He just shrugged with a playful smile, his eyes momentarily flitting toward my pants before returning to meet my gaze.“It’s an expression,” I rolled my eyes. “Don’t tell me you aren’t familiar with it, Mr. Smarty Pants.”“You have quite a repertoire of ‘pants’ references, don’t you?” - M.A. George

27. “Aeron’s stone-faced expression cracked, as he turned to give me a dumbfounded look. Meeting his questioning eyes, I let out a little annoyed sigh, “I refuse to believe that you don’t know the meaning of ‘cojones’.”“I’m well aware of the meaning,” he raised his eyebrows, fighting back a smile. “Just a little surprised at your choice of words…”“Yeah, I can really paint a verbal picture,” I responded dryly.” - M.A. George

28. “I’m not familiar with this word you were repeating before…‘cojones’, was it?”I blushed as Dominick patted me on the back. “Way to introduce him to the vernacular, Palta.” - M.A. George

29. “My instincts told me that death would somehow be…different. But my rational mind reminded me that I had probably tempted fate one too many times. At least, I thought it was my rational mind. It sure seemed like the usual voice inside my head. Thank God there was only one of them.” - M.A. George

30. “It’s a sad state of affairs when I’m the one bringing sanity to the equation” - M.A. George

31. “Ah yes…” He made an exaggerated nod. “I was supposed to be filling you in on Nangí’s story.” He winked at me playfully, as I kept up my glare. “Now, where should I begin?”“Tell you what, let me get you started,” I came back. “Once upon a time, there was this über-creepy old man—who looks like he lives in a haunted shack and eats small children for breakfast—and I decided to make him my new best friend becaaauuse… Okay, your turn.” - M.A. George

32. “Think of mental energy as broadcasting on a certain wavelength,” he tried to explain. “People with powers of the mind can tap into that wavelength…”“That’s all fine and good,” I nodded, “but evidently my transmitter is broken. Or much more likely…I never had one in the first place.”“Ah, yes,” he nodded unenthusiastically, “and your nose is mounted upside-down.”“Excuse me?” My forehead creased.“I do wish you would quit contradicting me,” he let out a tired sigh. “It’s insulting…and highly annoying.” - M.A. George

33. “There’s an empty seat next to me in the ‘intensely aggravating’ section…and it’s got your name on it” - M.A. George

34. “The cleanest civilization I’ve ever seen…and the number one thing you pack for a wedding is a jar of dirt?” - M.A. George

35. “I paused for a moment, debating whether to turn and look what was happening. My senses told me Obo’s presence was still at my side, and turning my face into the barrel of a gun seemed like an ill-advised way to cap off this day of monumentally stupid decisions.” - M.A. George

36. “Phrase the question any way you like…The answer will still be ‘Kiss my ass.” - M.A. George

37. “I didn’t intend it to come out sarcastically, but I guess that’s just where my tone of voice automatically goes these days.” - M.A. George

38. “And I’ll wager you thought him the handsomest thing that ever you saw in your life.”“I did. And if you stuck him, and stuffed him, and hung him on the wall, I’d be very glad to admire him. But in life he’s an arrogant pig, and I didn’t care for him at all. ‘Mind who you look at, wench.’ Foo!” - Diane Stanley