42 Best Insult Quotes

In the vast world of words, few things are as simultaneously artful and entertaining as a well-crafted insult. Whether delivered with sharp wit or gentle sarcasm, the best insults are those that leave a lasting impression, sparking laughter, and sometimes even admiration. In this exploration of language and humor, we've curated a collection of the top 42 insult quotes that showcase the cleverness and creativity of some of history's finest orators and writers. From the subtly humorous to the downright audacious, these quotes remind us of the power of words and the brilliance of those who wield them with masterful precision. Dive in and enjoy the eloquent sass of these legendary verbal barbs!

1. “Don't fool yourself, my dear. You're much worse than a bitch. You're a saint. Which shows why saints are dangerous and undesirable.” - Ayn Rand

2. “Out of my sight! Thou dost infect mine eyes.” - William Shakespeare

3. “I've seen more intelligence in the crotch lice of harem whores.” - Christopher Moore

4. “He's a pig and I don't allow livestock in the house.” - Erin McCarthy

5. “Seamus: "I was wondering if you would like to go get some coffee"Cara: "Well that depends ... do you like to take long walks?"Seamus: "Yes"Cara: "Do you like sex?"Seamus: "Yeees"Cara: "Then take a f***ing hike and leave me the hell alone.” - Erin McCarthy

6. “Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.” - Oscar Levant

7. “You need not think that because we chanced to be born of the same parents, I shall suffer you to fasten me down by even the feeblest claim: I can tell you this - if the whole human race, ourselves excepted, were swept away, and we two stood alone on the earth, I would leave you in the old world, and betake myself to new.” - Charlotte Brontë

8. “Except among those whose education has been in the minimalist style, it is understood that hasty moral judgments about people in the past are a form of injustice.” - Jacques Barzun

9. “Once again, you show all the sensitivity of a blunt axe.” - J.K. Rowling

10. “Me? I'm being ridiculous? You're the one flirting for your thesis. What the hell kind of degree is that anyway? A doctorate of dick tease?” - Erin McCarthy

11. “The only process you've mastered is the process of elimination, and the only reason you've mastered that is because you can do it in the toilet.” - Orson Scott Card

12. “I can only assume," said Jace, "that mortal emotions amuse you because you have none of your own.” - Cassandra Clare

13. “You, you insolent brazen bitch—you really dare to shake that monstrous spear in Father’s face?” - Homer

14. “Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.” - Groucho Marx

15. “She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.” - Joan Rivers

16. “His ignorance is encyclopedic.” - Abba Eban

17. “Oh.” Timmie gave Bones a shy peek. “Are you Cathy’s brother?”“Whatever would give you the idea that I’m her damn brother?” Bones snapped.” - Jeaniene Frost

18. “8:58 We go to McDonald's. The woman in front of me in line spends more than five seconds contemplating her order. This infuriates me, "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?? MC-SEABASS?? IT'S THE GODDAMN MCDONALDS'S MENU, IT'S BEEN THE SAME FOR TEN YEARS! IT'S ALL MCSHIT!JUST ORDER!” - Tucker Max

19. “He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.” - Groucho Marx

20. “Andrew had a gift for deepening the incision he began.” - Chris Cleave

21. “My Lord, I find thy face apelike and thy form misshapen. Thy beard, moreover, is an offense against decency, resembling more closely the scabrous fir which doth decorate the hinder portion of a mongrel dog than a proper adornement for a human face. Is it possible that thy mother, seized by some wild lechery, did dally at some time past with a randy goat? -Mandorallen” - David Eddings

22. “Asking a man if he could be trusted was like asking an unwed girl if she was a virgin. The question mattered, but the asking of it was gross insult.” - Orson Scott Card

23. “In the political jargon of those days, the word "intellectual" was an insult. It indicated someone who did not understand life and was cut off from the people. All the Communists who were hanged at the time by other Communists were awarded such abuse. Unlike those who had their feet solidly on the ground, they were said to float in the air. So it was fair, in a way, that as punishment the ground was permanently pulled out from under their feet, that they remained suspended a little above the floor.” - Milan Kundera

24. “So, sweeting, why were you threatening to throw Tate out of the house? What did he say?”Leather brushed her chin as he tipped it up. Serious dark eyes met hers. “What did he say?”She glanced around; surely the footmen were too far away to hear. “He wanted to join us in our bed.”“I’ll run him through.”“No! Perhaps he only said it to goad you into a duel. Perhaps it was intended as a way to kill you.”“It was an insult to you, love. That can’t be ignored.”“And so you rush inexorably toward death. I don’t care if he stands on a Drury Lane stage and calls me a courtesan, I won’t have you risking your life.” - Sharon Page

25. “And since when is stealing people's possessions the call of God? you are all hypocrites who have suddenly come into power, and you don't know how to handle it” - Dalia Sofer

26. “Words cannot express my disappointment that I must pass on the invitation to once again witness your gelatinous buttocks swaying as you try to climb a greased pole naked in search of athletic glory. Sadly, the last occasion on which I witnessed this event had a deleterious effect on my psyche for which I am still seeking the attention of a therapist.A.C. Kemp as Lady Arabella Snark” - A.C. Kemp

27. “Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.” - Johnny Carson

28. “Use a condom. The world doesn't need another you.” - Carroll Bryant

29. “Simply minding one's own business is more offensive than being intrusive. Without ever saying a word one can make a person feel less-than.” - Criss Jami

30. “I swear, talking to you is like talking to a really good-looking and mildly stupid brick wall.” - Derek Landy

31. “Who the hell do you think you're, Kiddo?I don't do thinking, Sir. I simply improvise.” - Toba Beta

32. “The freedom of birds is an insult to me.” - Cormac McCarthy

33. “The man is as useless as nipples on a breastplate.” - George R.R. Martin

34. “If I say you're a goatherd's son, you say, 'Yes, Lord Ralon.'"Alanna gasped with fury. "I'd as soon kiss a pig! Is that what you've been doing-kissing pigs? Or being kissed?” - Tamora Pierce

35. “Let me tell you, my girl, that I'm swallowing no more of your insults! And if I hear another word from you in disparagement of the Corinthian set it will be very much the worse for you!” - Georgette Heyer

36. “Where is Polonius?- In heaven; send hither to see: if your messenger find him not there, seek him i' the other place yourself.” - William Shakespeare

37. “He would make a good lamp post if he'd weather better and didn't have to eat.” - Kurt Vonnegut

38. “It is not insult from another that causes you pain. It is the part of your mind that agrees with the insult. Agree only with the truth about you, and you are free.” - Alan Cohen

39. “How now, my sweet creature of bombast! How long is't ago, Jack, since thou saw'st thien own knee?” - William Shakespeare

40. “There are no injuries that run so deep that one can't add insult to them and make them feel even worse.” - Matthew S. Williams

41. “We look for pretty girls we can say bad things to. No one shows up.” - Ida Løkås

42. “Money-makers are tiresome company, as they have no standard but cash value.” - Plato