50 Absurd Quotes To Ponder

In a world often dominated by logic and reason, there exists a unique allure in the realm of the absurd—a space where nonsensical musings spark curiosity and laughter. Our journey into the top 50 absurd quotes invites you to embrace the whimsical and the bizarre, offering a fresh perspective that can challenge the predictability of conventional thinking. As you dive into these eccentric expressions, prepare to ponder mysteries that tickle the imagination and inspire moments of delightful confusion. Whether you seek a break from the mundane or a new lens on life's peculiarities, this collection celebrates the joy of realizing that sometimes, not everything needs to make perfect sense.

1. “To you, I'm an atheist.To God, I'm the loyal opposition.” - Woody Allen

2. “I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.” - Woody Allen

3. “Honey, you're the one who stopped sleeping with me, OK?It'll be a year come April 20th. I remember the date exactly, because it was Hitler's birthday” - Woody Allen

4. “Just because you're beautiful and perfect, it's made you conceited.” - William Goldman

5. “It's a beautiful thing, the destruction of words.” - George Orwell

6. “A man is an angel that has gone deranged.” - Philip K. Dick

7. “More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.” - Woody Allen

8. “I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” - Jon Stewart

9. “No! Please! I'll tell you whatever you want to know!" the man yelled. "Really?" said Vimes. "What's the orbital velocity of the moon?""What?""Oh, you'd like something simpler?” - Terry Pratchett

10. “If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?” - Jon Stewart

11. “They haven't left us much to believe in, have they?--even disbelief. I can't believe in anything bigger than a home or vaguer than a human being.” - Graham Greene

12. “Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.” - Spike Milligan

13. “Money can't buy you friends, but you do get a better class of enemy. ” - Spike Milligan

14. “THE POLITICIANIf it wasn't for graft, you'd get a very low type of people in politics. Men without ambition. Jellyfish!CATHERINEEspecially since you can't rob the people anyway.THE POLITICIANSure...How was that?CATHERINEWhat you rob, you spend. And what you spend goes back to the people. So where's the robbery? I read that in one of my father's books.THE POLITICIANThat book should be in every home!” - Preston Sturges

15. “The one thing I remember about Christmas was that my father used to take me out in a boat about ten miles offshore on Christmas Day, and I used to have to swim back. Extraordinary. It was a ritual. Mind you, that wasn't the hard part. The difficult bit was getting out of the sack.” - John Cleese

16. “Job was what you'd technically describe as a loony.” - Peter Cook

17. “When I was a kid we had a sandbox. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child...eventually.” - Steven Wright

18. “I smell blood and an era of prominent madmen.” - W.H. Auden

19. “How fishy on the fishiness scale? Ten is a stickleback and one is a whale shark.""A whale isn't a fish, Thursday.""A whale shark is--sort of.""All right, it's as fishy as a crayfish.""A crayfish isn't a fish.""A starfish, then.""Still not a fish.""This is a very odd conversation, Thursday.” - Jasper Fforde

20. “In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, 'Cut it out.'” - Steven Wright

21. “If at first the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it.” - Albert Einstein

22. “Absurdity is one of the most human things about us: a manifestation of our most advanced and interesting characteristics. ” - Thomas Nagel

23. “TEACHERLet us begin. Repeat after me. I would like --STUDENTI wud like --TEACHERTo feed your fingertips --STUDENTTo feed yur fingerteeps --TEACHERTo the wolverines.” - Michael O'Donoghue

24. “TEACHERNext. Hey, Ned exclaimed --STUDENTEy, Ned asclaimed --TEACHERLet's boil --STUDENTLet's boil --TEACHERThe wolverines.” - Michael O'Donoghue

25. “I’m beginning to sense a theme,” Mircea said, tossing his suit coat over a buckskin-covered chair. A moose head with huge, outspread antlers loomed over it, its bright glass eyes looking oddly lifelike in the low light. Mircea took in the room, his expression slightly repulsed yet fascinated. “I believe there is only one thing to say at this point.”What’s that?”Yee haw,” he said gravely, and took me down like a rodeo calf.” - Karen Chance

26. “Have you ever heard a blindfolded octopus unwrap a cellophane-covered bathtub?” - Norton Juster

27. “Some who have read the book, or at any rate have reviewed it, have found it boring, absurd, or contemptible, and I have no cause to complain, since I have similar opinions of their works, or of the kinds of writing that they evidently prefer.” - J.R.R. Tolkien

28. “I'm freestylin just on the microphoneOn the BBC, on the BBCI'm just freestylin on the BBCUm British Broadcasting Companyi'm just basically making this shit up as I go alongBasically just freeJust basically from the top of my domeSometimes it's not so goodMy rhymes are so potent that in this small segmentI made all the lady listeners pregnant” - Flight of the Conchords

29. “Looking at the room, I can tell that you are the most beautiful girl in the room.(In the whole wide room)And when you're on the street(Depending on the street)I bet you are definitely in the top three” - Flight of the Conchords

30. “It is a Bush administration official on the moment when torture breaks a victim:The job of the interrogator is to safely help the terrorist do his duty to Allah, so he then feels liberated to speak freely.From Neil Gaiman's account of a torturer in hell:We will hurt you. And we are not sorry. But we do not do it to punish you. We do it to redeem you. Because afterward, you'll be a better person ... and because we love you. One day you'll thank us for it.War is peace. Torture is freedom. In the end, you love Big Brother. ” - Andrew Sullivan

31. “What is called a reason for living is also an excellent reason for dying.” - Albert Camus

32. “A man devoid of hope and conscious of being so has ceased to belong to the future.” - Albert Camus

33. “No novelists any good except me. Sovietski -- yah! Nastikoff -- bah! I spit me of zem all. No novelists anywhere any good except me. P. G. Wodehouse and Tolstoi not bad. Not good, but not bad. No novelists any good except me.” - P.G. Wodehouse

34. “Naked guy think Hulk stupid?” - Mark Millar

35. “Voodoo GirlHer skin is white cloth,and she's all sewn apartand she has many colored pinssticking out of her heart.She has many different zombieswho are deeply in her trance.She even has a zombiewho was originally from France.But she knows she has a curse on her,a curse she cannot win.For if someone getstoo close to her,the pins stick farther in.” - Tim Burton

36. “Robot BoyMr. an Mrs. Smith had a wonderful life.They were a normal, happy husband and wife.One day they got news that made Mr. Smith glad.Mrs. Smith would would be a momwhich would make him the dad!But something was wrong with their bundle of joy.It wasn't human at all,it was a robot boy!He wasn't warm and cuddlyand he didn't have skin.Instead there was a cold, thin layer of tin.There were wires and tubes sticking out of his head.He just lay there and stared,not living or dead.The only time he seemed alive at allwas with a long extension cordplugged into the wall.Mr. Smith yelled at the doctor,"What have you done to my boy?He's not flesh and blood,he's aluminum alloy!"The doctor said gently,"What I'm going to saywill sound pretty wild.But you're not the father of this strange looking child.You see, there still is some questionabout the child's gender,but we think that its fatheris a microwave blender."The Smith's lives were now filledwith misery and strife.Mrs. Smith hated her husband,and he hated his wife.He never forgave her unholy alliance:a sexual encounterwith a kitchen appliance.And Robot Boygrew to be a young man.Though he was often mistakenfor a garbage can.” - Tim Burton

37. “Humans are creatures, who spent their lifes trying to convince themselves, that their existence is not absurd” - Albert Camus

38. “Snarling an oath from an Icelandic saga, I reclaimed my place at the head of the queue. "Oy!" yelled a punk rocker, with studs in his cranium. "There's a fackin' queue!"Never apologize, advises Lloyd George. Say it again, only this time, ruder. "I know there's a 'fackin' queue'! I already queued in it once and I am not going to queue in it again just because Nina Simone over there won't sell me a ruddy ticket!"A colored yeti in a clip-on uniform swooped. "Wassa bovver?""This old man here reckons his colostomy bag entitles him to jump the queue," said the skinhead, "and make racist slurs about the lady of Afro-Caribbean extraction in the advance-travel window."I couldn't believe I was hearing this.” - David Mitchell

39. “What can you do with a person who says that he is absolutely uncertain about everything, and that he is absolutely certain about that?” - Idries Shah

40. “You see, I’ve heard of a man whose friend had been imprisoned and who slept on the floor of his room every night in order not to enjoy a comfort of which his friend had been deprived.” - Albert Camus

41. “Like the playwrights of the Absurd, Woolrich recognized that a senseless story best mirrors a senseless existence.” - Francis M. Nevins Jr.

42. “A watched pot never boils.... but it does develop paranoia” - Josh Stern

43. “Everything is a drive-thru. You just have to aim really fast” - Josh Stern

44. “It's one thing if your hobby is to put ships inside a bottle, but a deer in the headlights!... That's a real talent” - Josh Stern

45. “Date rape is just plain moronic when you consider how slutty figs are” - Josh Stern

46. “Long before the Theater of the Absurd, Woolrich discovered that an incomprehensible universe is best reflected in an incomprehensible story.("Introduction")” - Francis M. Nevins

47. “Love isn't two matching unicycles. Love is a bicycle—and mine just got stolen.
” - Dark Jar Tin Zoo

48. “I unwrapped my love for her like one might unwrap leftovers. Gotta eat up the old stuff first, as a cannibal might say in a retirement home.
” - Dark Jar Tin Zoo

49. “To stay or to go, it amounted to the same thing.” - Albert Camus

50. “We call love what binds us to certain creatures only by reference to a collective way of seeing for which books and legends are responsible.” - Albert Camus