50 Hilarious Insult Quotes

In the grand tapestry of communication, words have the power to inspire, soothe, and sometimes, amuse with a sharp edge. Insult quotes, when wielded with wit and humor, can serve as a playful ribbing or a clever comeback, leaving all parties either chuckling or slightly chastened. Such quotes, crafted with precision and a touch of wryness, often reveal a deeper truth, making us laugh while reflecting on our own quirks and those of others. Join us as we delve into a curated collection of the top 50 hilarious insult quotes that showcase the art of verbal sparring with elegance and humor. Whether you're looking to arm yourself with a witty retort or simply wish to appreciate the cleverness of wordplay, these quotes are sure to entertain and delight.

1. “Do you bite your thumb at us, sir?SAMPSON [Aside to Gregory]: Is the law of our side, if I say ay?GREGORY [Aside to Sampson]: No.SAMPSON: No, sir, I do not bite my thumb at you, sir, but I bite my thumb, sir.” - William Shakespeare

2. “If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, then they can sure make something out of you.” - Muhammad Ali

3. “Sir, I admit your general rule, That every poet is a fool, But you yourself may serve to show it, That every fool is not a poet.” - Samuel Taylor Coleridge

4. “I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.” - Groucho Marx

5. “I've seen more intelligence in the crotch lice of harem whores.” - Christopher Moore

6. “He's a pig and I don't allow livestock in the house.” - Erin McCarthy

7. “If we desire to avoid insult, we must be able to repel it; if we desire to secure peace, one of the most powerful instruments of our rising prosperity, it must be known, that we are at all times ready for War.” - George Washington

8. “I must decline your invitation owing to a subsequent engagement.” - Oscar Wilde

9. “Seamus: "I was wondering if you would like to go get some coffee"Cara: "Well that depends ... do you like to take long walks?"Seamus: "Yes"Cara: "Do you like sex?"Seamus: "Yeees"Cara: "Then take a f***ing hike and leave me the hell alone.” - Erin McCarthy

10. “Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.” - Oscar Levant

11. “You need not think that because we chanced to be born of the same parents, I shall suffer you to fasten me down by even the feeblest claim: I can tell you this - if the whole human race, ourselves excepted, were swept away, and we two stood alone on the earth, I would leave you in the old world, and betake myself to new.” - Charlotte Brontë

12. “You're so full of crap, you could pass for a toilet.” - Kami Garcia

13. “You're a jerk,' repeated the alien, 'a complete asshole.” - Douglas Adams

14. “Once again, you show all the sensitivity of a blunt axe.” - J.K. Rowling

15. “O me, you juggler, you canker-blossom, you thief of love!” - William Shakespeare

16. “You blocks, you stones, you worse than senseless things!” - William Shakespeare

17. “The only process you've mastered is the process of elimination, and the only reason you've mastered that is because you can do it in the toilet.” - Orson Scott Card

18. “You," Madeline said, her voice hollow and wheezing, "are like a bad case of herpes, wizard. You're inconvenient, embarassing, no real threat, and you simply will not go away.” - Jim Butcher

19. “May the IRS find that you deduct your pet sheep as an entertainment expense.” - Christopher Moore

20. “You, you insolent brazen bitch—you really dare to shake that monstrous spear in Father’s face?” - Homer

21. “She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.” - Joan Rivers

22. “His ignorance is encyclopedic.” - Abba Eban

23. “8:58 We go to McDonald's. The woman in front of me in line spends more than five seconds contemplating her order. This infuriates me, "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?? MC-SEABASS?? IT'S THE GODDAMN MCDONALDS'S MENU, IT'S BEEN THE SAME FOR TEN YEARS! IT'S ALL MCSHIT!JUST ORDER!” - Tucker Max

24. “I've got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with it.” - Groucho Marx

25. “Captain Jibby looked at the door, clenched his teeth, and worked his face into a scowl so fierce you would think the door had insulted his mother - which, for the record, it had not.” - Cuthbert Soup

26. “Andrew had a gift for deepening the incision he began.” - Chris Cleave

27. “My Lord, I find thy face apelike and thy form misshapen. Thy beard, moreover, is an offense against decency, resembling more closely the scabrous fir which doth decorate the hinder portion of a mongrel dog than a proper adornement for a human face. Is it possible that thy mother, seized by some wild lechery, did dally at some time past with a randy goat? -Mandorallen” - David Eddings

28. “Come, come," I said. "You may be a lord someday, but you aren't one yet. No need for the courtly manners, and certainly not the moody temper. If you're to be my escort tonight, I insist you be a cheery one. You can even insult me if you like. It always makes you feel better.” - Julie Berry

29. “In the political jargon of those days, the word "intellectual" was an insult. It indicated someone who did not understand life and was cut off from the people. All the Communists who were hanged at the time by other Communists were awarded such abuse. Unlike those who had their feet solidly on the ground, they were said to float in the air. So it was fair, in a way, that as punishment the ground was permanently pulled out from under their feet, that they remained suspended a little above the floor.” - Milan Kundera

30. “I'll be supposed upon a book, his face is the worst thing about him.” - William Shakespeare

31. “So, sweeting, why were you threatening to throw Tate out of the house? What did he say?”Leather brushed her chin as he tipped it up. Serious dark eyes met hers. “What did he say?”She glanced around; surely the footmen were too far away to hear. “He wanted to join us in our bed.”“I’ll run him through.”“No! Perhaps he only said it to goad you into a duel. Perhaps it was intended as a way to kill you.”“It was an insult to you, love. That can’t be ignored.”“And so you rush inexorably toward death. I don’t care if he stands on a Drury Lane stage and calls me a courtesan, I won’t have you risking your life.” - Sharon Page

32. “Did anybody tell you that you're a few french fries short of a Happy Meal?” - Susan Elizabeth Phillips

33. “Lepida, has anyone ever told you that you're a cruel spiteful selfish slut?...You're vicious. You're unprincipled. You mistreat your slaves and abuse your daughter. And furthermore you're the worst, most neglectful, most criminal wife in Rome. I think we can go now.” - Kate Quinn

34. “And since when is stealing people's possessions the call of God? you are all hypocrites who have suddenly come into power, and you don't know how to handle it” - Dalia Sofer

35. “She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.” - Mae West

36. “Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.” - Johnny Carson

37. “Stacey: "I'm surprised you haven't thrown me out."Comfort: "At your current weight, I'd need some sort of catapult.” - Kristin Hannah

38. “Simply minding one's own business is more offensive than being intrusive. Without ever saying a word one can make a person feel less-than.” - Criss Jami

39. “Lemme take your picture! You fucking bok gwai low got a face carved out of rotten potato cured in dogshit, runover with a towtruck driven by Hellen Keller in a puke fit on pills...” - Frank Chin

40. “Who the hell do you think you're, Kiddo?I don't do thinking, Sir. I simply improvise.” - Toba Beta

41. “The freedom of birds is an insult to me.” - Cormac McCarthy

42. “Insult is a monstrous scorpion, and compliment is a likeable nightingale; one stings mercilessly, and the other sings sweetly.” - Mehmet Murat ildan

43. “The man is as useless as nipples on a breastplate.” - George R.R. Martin

44. “He would make a good lamp post if he'd weather better and didn't have to eat.” - Kurt Vonnegut

45. “Some men simply refuse to appear insulted. But then, having felt the sting from the slap on their cheek, know just where to slip the knife, their smile never fading.” - Andrew Levkoff

46. “She was my friend because she was kind and funny but she had a face like two oysters fused together in a Star Trek matter transporter accident.” - Andrew Hinkinson-Hodnett

47. “These are the few ways we can practice humility:To speak as little as possible of one's self.To mind one's own business.Not to want to manage other people's affairs.To avoid curiosity.To accept contradictions and correction cheerfully.To pass over the mistakes of others.To accept insults and injuries.To accept being slighted, forgotten and disliked.To be kind and gentle even under provocation.Never to stand on one's dignity.To choose always the hardest.” - Mother Teresa

48. “Her aunt Sol had once told Shai to smile at the worst insults and snap at the minor ones. That way, no man would know your heart.” - Brandon Sanderson

49. “If a mark of affection can sometimes be taken for an insult, perhaps the gesture of love is not universal: it too must be translated from one language to another, must be learned.” - Kim Thuy

50. “Hertzfeld recalled that Gates just sat there coolly, looking at Steve in the eye, before hurling back, in his squeaky voice, what became a classic zinger. "Well, Steve, I think there's more than one way of looking at it, I think it's more like we both had this rich neighbor named Xerox and I broke into his house to steal the TV set and found out that you had already stolen it.” - Walter Isaacson