52 Absurdly Hilarious Quotes

Laughter is truly the best medicine, and what better way to get your daily dose than through a handpicked selection of absurdly hilarious quotes? Life can be a whirlwind of chaos and seriousness, but humor acts as our light-hearted refuge. Our collection of 52 rib-tickling quotes spans the spectrum of silliness, showcasing wit and humor from various walks of life. Whether you're looking for a quick chuckle or a belly laugh, these quotes are sure to uplift your spirits and bring a smile to your face. So, sit back, relax, and let the hilarity ensue!

1. “To you, I'm an atheist.To God, I'm the loyal opposition.” - Woody Allen

2. “I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.” - Woody Allen

3. “I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.” - Woody Allen

4. “Please forgive me. My pedicurist had a stroke. She fell forward onto the orange stick and plunged it into my toe. It required bandaging.” - Woody Allen

5. “I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.” - Woody Allen

6. “I came home one night, some month ago, and I went to the closet in my bedroom...and a moth ate my sports jacket. He was laying on the floor, nauseous, y'know.” - Woody Allen

7. “[Waiting for Godot] has achieved a theoretical impossibility—a play in which nothing happens, that yet keeps audiences glued to their seats. What's more, since the second act is a subtly different reprise of the first, he has written a play in which nothing happens, twice.” - Vivian Mercier

8. “What have you been reading, The Gospel according to St. Bastard?!” - Eddie Izzard

9. “Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.” - Garrison Keillor

10. “Just because you're beautiful and perfect, it's made you conceited.” - William Goldman

11. “God is the supreme uncreated light of which Wisdom is born, but there was never a time when God's Wisdom did not exist.” - Merritt Y. Hughes

12. “HOBBES:All this modern technology just makes people try to do everything at once.” - Bill Watterson

13. “No! Please! I'll tell you whatever you want to know!" the man yelled. "Really?" said Vimes. "What's the orbital velocity of the moon?""What?""Oh, you'd like something simpler?” - Terry Pratchett

14. “Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future.” - Niels Bohr

15. “Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.” - Jon Stewart

16. “They took a baseball batand whacked open his head.Mummy Boy fell to the ground;he finally was dead. Inside of his headwere no candy or prizes,just a few stray beetlesof various sizes.” - Tim Burton

17. “I took a puff of the wrong cigarette at a fraternity dance once, and the cops had to get me, y'know. I broke two teeth trying to give a hickie to the Statue of Liberty.” - Woody Allen

18. “I was the captain of the latent paranoid softball team. We used to play all the neurotics on sunday morning. Nailbiters against the bedwetters, and if you've never seen neurotics play softball, it's really funny. I used to steal second base, and feel guilty and go back.” - Woody Allen

19. “Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.” - Spike Milligan

20. “THE POLITICIANIf it wasn't for graft, you'd get a very low type of people in politics. Men without ambition. Jellyfish!CATHERINEEspecially since you can't rob the people anyway.THE POLITICIANSure...How was that?CATHERINEWhat you rob, you spend. And what you spend goes back to the people. So where's the robbery? I read that in one of my father's books.THE POLITICIANThat book should be in every home!” - Preston Sturges

21. “That pompous phrase (graphic novel) was thought up by some idiot in the marketing department of DC. I prefer to call them Big Expensive Comics.” - Alan Moore

22. “Hello, I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. By true I mean false. It's all lies. But they're entertaining lies and in the end, isn't that the truth?The answer is no.” - Leonard Nimoy

23. “JEMAINELisa?BRETYes, she's in Delta Force. She's been deployed to Fallujah.JEMAINEBut she works in the croissant shop.BRETYeah, she's got two jobs. She's a pastry chef and a sniper.” - Flight of the Conchords

24. “You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.” - Woody Allen

25. “When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.” - Steven Wright

26. “What a nice night for an evening.” - Steven Wright

27. “Take from the church the miraculous, the supernatural, the incomprehensible, the unreasonable, the impossible, the unknowable, the absurd, and nothing but a vacuum remains.” - Robert G. Ingersoll

28. “In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, 'Cut it out.'” - Steven Wright

29. “Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.” - Steven Wright

30. “If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.” - Steven Wright

31. “Absurdity is one of the most human things about us: a manifestation of our most advanced and interesting characteristics. ” - Thomas Nagel

32. “You want to cut down air pollution? Cut down the original source... Breathin'! ” - Walt Kelly

33. “Remember the Hottentots?" asked James. "They've become the Khoi now, which means that the Germans will have to retire that wonderful word of theirs, Hottentotenpotentatenstantenattentater, which means, as you know, one who attacks the aunt of a Hottentot potentate.” - Alexander McCall Smith

34. “Some who have read the book, or at any rate have reviewed it, have found it boring, absurd, or contemptible, and I have no cause to complain, since I have similar opinions of their works, or of the kinds of writing that they evidently prefer.” - J.R.R. Tolkien

35. “Looking at the room, I can tell that you are the most beautiful girl in the room.(In the whole wide room)And when you're on the street(Depending on the street)I bet you are definitely in the top three” - Flight of the Conchords

36. “It is a Bush administration official on the moment when torture breaks a victim:The job of the interrogator is to safely help the terrorist do his duty to Allah, so he then feels liberated to speak freely.From Neil Gaiman's account of a torturer in hell:We will hurt you. And we are not sorry. But we do not do it to punish you. We do it to redeem you. Because afterward, you'll be a better person ... and because we love you. One day you'll thank us for it.War is peace. Torture is freedom. In the end, you love Big Brother. ” - Andrew Sullivan

37. “What is called a reason for living is also an excellent reason for dying.” - Albert Camus

38. “A man devoid of hope and conscious of being so has ceased to belong to the future.” - Albert Camus

39. “The doctrine that future happiness depends upon belief is monstrous. It is the infamy of infamies. The notion that faith in Christ is to be rewarded by an eternity of bliss, while a dependence upon reason, observation and experience merits everlasting pain, is too absurd for refutation, and can be relieved only by that unhappy mixture of insanity and ignorance, called 'faith.” - Robert Ingersoll

40. “Naked guy think Hulk stupid?” - Mark Millar

41. “BERENGER: And you consider all this natural? 

DUDARD: What could be more natural than a rhinoceros? 

BERENGER: Yes, but for a man to turn into a rhinoceros is abnormal beyond question. 

DUDARD: Well, of course, that's a matter of opinion ... 

BERENGER: It is beyond question, absolutely beyond question! 
DUDARD: You seem very sure of yourself. Who can say where the normal stops and the abnormal begins? Can you personally define these conceptions of normality and abnormality? Nobody has solved this problem yet, either medically or philosophically. You ought to know that. 

BERENGER: The problem may not be resolved philosophically -- but in practice it's simple. They may prove there's no such thing as movement ... and then you start walking ... [he starts walking up and down the room] ... and you go on walking, and you say to yourself, like Galileo, 'E pur si muove' ... 

DUDARD: You're getting things all mixed up! Don't confuse the issue. In Galileo's case it was the opposite: theoretic and scientific thought proving itself superior to mass opinion and dogmatism. 

BERENGER: [quite lost] What does all that mean? Mass opinion, dogmatism -- they're just words! I may be mixing everything up in my head but you're losing yours. You don't know what's normal and what isn't any more. I couldn't care less about Galileo ... I don't give a damn about Galileo. 

DUDARD: You brought him up in the first place and raised the whole question, saying that practice always had the last word. Maybe it does, but only when it proceeds from theory! The history of thought and science proves that. BERENGER: [more and more furious] It doesn't prove anything of the sort! It's all gibberish, utter lunacy! 

DUDARD: There again we need to define exactly what we mean by lunacy ... 

BERENGER: Lunacy is lunacy and that's all there is to it! Everybody knows what lunacy is. And what about the rhinoceroses -- are they practice or are they theory?” - Eugene Ionesco

42. “This book (Jarod Kintz's book) is trash. I mean, I assume it is, because that's where I found it while scrounging for lunch. However, I must admit that I haven't read it. I would have, but I am homeless, mainly due to my illiteracy (though Big Government, Keynesian monetary policy, and my struggle with alcoholism certainly played a large role).” - Dora J. Arod

43. “Flying is simple. Hitting the ground is hard” - Josh Stern

44. “... the more I learned, the more conscious did I become of the fact that I was ridiculous. So that for me my years of hard work at the university seem in the end to have existed for the sole purpose of demonstrating and proving to me, the more deeply engrossed I became in my studies, that I was an utterly absurd person.” - Fyodor Dostoyevsky

45. “A man from the Land of Fools wanted to pull down the clouds.'Why?' someone asked him.'To squeeze out the rain.” - Idries Shah

46. “Like the playwrights of the Absurd, Woolrich recognized that a senseless story best mirrors a senseless existence.” - Francis M. Nevins Jr.

47. “A stranger to myself and to the world, armed solely with a thought that negates itself as soon as it asserts, what is this condition in which I can have peace only by refusing to know and to live, in which the appetite for conquest bumps into walls that defy its assaults?” - Albert Camus

48. “You can sit on a brick, and milk a cow with a blanket.” - Nicole McKay

49. “A brick and a blanket together create a blick. That’s it. That’s all I got.” - Amy Riekhof

50. “A watched pot never boils.... but it does develop paranoia” - Josh Stern

51. “It's one thing if your hobby is to put ships inside a bottle, but a deer in the headlights!... That's a real talent” - Josh Stern

52. “Long before the Theater of the Absurd, Woolrich discovered that an incomprehensible universe is best reflected in an incomprehensible story.("Introduction")” - Francis M. Nevins