54 Funny Quotes To Brighten Your Day

Laughter is often celebrated as the best medicine, capable of brightening even the dreariest of days. Whether you're in need of a quick pick-me-up or simply love to start your day with a chuckle, this selection of 54 funny quotes is sure to bring a smile to your face. Curated from some of the wittiest minds and humorous moments, these quotes remind us of the lighthearted side of life. So, sit back and allow these gems of humor to lift your spirits and add a touch of joy to your day.

1. “Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.” - Groucho Marx

2. “I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.” - Jon Stewart

3. “Thou mad mustachio purple-hued maltworms!” - William Shakespeare

4. “He slowed down a bit more. "Gaia, how do you know these things?" She shrugged. "I'm smart." "And modest, too." "Modesty is a waste of time," she pronounced. "I'll keep that in mind.” - Francine Pascal

5. “Leap out the window, my inner Tigress cried. You aren't ready to face such a powerful Tiger. I frowned. I thought a true Tigress never backed down from a fight. Don't you know anything? When she's in heat, she avoids everything male. Now run!” - Gena Showalter

6. “The elevator shaft was a kind of heat sink. Hot food was cold by the time it arrived. Cold food got colder. No one knew what would happen to ice cream, but it would probably involve some rewriting of the laws of thermodynamics.” - Terry Pratchett

7. “Don't get me wrong. Sacramento is a lovely place, particularly for those with a fondness for methamphetamines. For the meth-addled, Sacramento had conveniently placed a Greyhound bus station just yards from the statehouse where Austria's finest was sworn in as governor of the great state of California.” - J. Maarten Troost

8. “Hey, Geekoid!" yelled Duncan Dougal, "Why do you read so much? Don't you know how to watch TV?” - Bruce Coville

9. “Want a little cheese with that whine, maestro?” - Madeleine Urban & Abigail Roux

10. “Staring at my smoldering hot date, her husband stands tall for the first time in a decade, adjusting his toupee while flashing a horrid green toothy grin that looks more like a Steven Hawkins muscle spasm. In his hands, a frightened beer bottle is choked with the steel grip of a sexually repressed Preacher.” - Brett Tate

11. “The female mind is certainly a devious one, my lord." Vetinari looked at his secretary in surprise. "Well, of course it is. It has to deal with the male one.” - Terry Pratchett

12. “What early tongue so sweet saluteth me?” - William Shakespeare

13. “When people visit my farm they often envision their dog, finally off-leash in acres of safely fenced countryside, running like Lassie in a television show, leaping over fallen tree trunks, shiny-eyed with joy at the change to run free in the country. While they're imagining that heartwarming scene, their dog is most likely gobbling up sheep poop as fast as he can. Dog aren't people, and if they have their own image of heaven, it most likely involves poop.” - Patricia B. McConnell

14. “Last night I was seriously considering whether I was a bisexual or not but I don’t think so though I’m not sure if I’d like to be and argh I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, if you like a person, you like the person, not their genitals.” - Jess C. Scott

15. “I cook better than you," Nick corrected absently. "I think monkeys can probably be taught to cook better than you.""I'd like to have a monkey that cooked for me," said Jamie. " I would pay him in bananas. His name would be Alphonse.""I agree, that would be awesome." Mae said. "People would come for dinner just to see the monkey chef.""You're raving," Nick said, defrosting chicken in the microwave. Mae was a bit impressed with how he seemed to look at the appliance and instantly comprehend its mysteries, when she'd been heating up ready-made meals for years by a method of pressing random buttons and hoping. " I know that's the only way Jamie communicates with people, but I expected better of you, Mavis.""We're cutting out the whole Mavis thing right now, Nick," Mae said warningly."How many bananas would be good payment for a monkey?" Jamie wanted to know. " I would want to pay Alphonse a fair wage.” - Sarah Rees Brennan

16. “It sounds like you aren't used to having something so powerful between your legs," Abbey said. "Maybe you should let me drive.” - Shawn Keenan

17. “We tend to get a little information before we off people. It’s not a play by ear sort of deal.” - Holly Hood

18. “We may not be all that bright, Jace said, but at least we are alive.” - Cassandra Clare

19. “I am so tired, I can hardly type these worfs.” - Lemony Snicket

20. “This is where you all live?" Asked John as they ascended the stairs. "It's small.""This is just our Thanksgiving house," Scott muttered. "We have a house for every day of the year.” - Adam Rex

21. “I'm thirty-six years old and I've been married once and he left and I don't want to feel this way anymore. Like I can't be vulnerable. Can't relax. It's exhausting, always being on the defensive, keeping my guard up. I feel like Cuba.” - Noah Hawley

22. “It’s true—there are only, like, two songs about rainbows, including that one. He should be asking why there are so few songs about rainbows.” - Cheryl Cory

23. “We are all a little weird. And we like to think that there is always someone weirder. I mean, I am sure some of you are looking at me and thinking, “Well, at least I am not as weird as you,” and I am thinking, “Well, at least I am not as weird as the people in the loony bin,” and the people in the loony bin are thinking, “Well, at least I am an orange”.” - Jim Gaffigan

24. “Drunken men give some of the best pep talks.” - Criss Jami

25. “I tore off another chuck of muffin and stared down at my chest. I shrugged and dabbed the muffin in the cum and popped it in my mouth. "I can't believe you just did that!" "Yeah," I snarled up my lip, "didn't quite think that one through all the way.” - Ethan Day

26. “He who lies down with dogs shall rise with fleas” - Christina Dodd

27. “You set fire to my house, killed my family, and ate my dog. But steal my boyfriend? That's a step too far.” - Libba Bray

28. “You said she's a senior? Babe we're ALL crazy.” - Cecily von Ziegesar

29. “If everyone listened to me, the world would be a better place.” - Aviva Moore

30. “Do you remember our first kiss? I do. Not a day goes by I don’t think of the feel of that bicuspid against my tongue. It had such a distinctive feel, neither cuspid nor molar…but I’m not sure it knew that – that was what endeared it to me so. It was like the blunted tusk of a wild boar.” - Benson Bruno

31. “I rubbed at my temple, where the zit was gone. It still hurt a little , though, deep under the skin. I hate those zits that burrow underground. You think they've vanished, but no, they just barricade themselves right next to the bone and hurt.” - Lili St. Crow

32. “My father chose my name , and my last name was chosen by my ancestors . That’s enough, I myself choose my way” - Ali Shariati

33. “i think that i was a rat in rat wheel in my previous life... can not forget the habit” - Hiroko Sakai

34. “He did not go much further, but sat down on the cold floor and gave himself up to complete miserableness, for a long while. He thought of himself frying bacon and eggs in his own kitchen at home - for he could feel inside that it was high time for some meal or other; but that only made him miserabler.” - J. R. R. Tolkien

35. “I never thought I'd hear myself say it, but safety first!” - J.K. Rowling

36. “Like any good teacher, she tolerated little dissension. She smoked and talked and ate for an hour without stopping, and I scribbled in my notebook as the muddy waters of tangents and cosines began to clarify. But not everyone was so fortunate.As Alaska zipped through something obvious about linear equations, stoner/baller Hank Walsten said, "Wait, wait. I don't get it.""That's because you have eight functioning brain cells.""Studies show that marijuana is better for your health than those cigarettes," Hank said.Alaska swallowed a mouthful of french fries, took a drag on her cigarette, and blew smoke across the table at Hank. "I may die young," she said. "But at least I'll die smart. Now, back to tangents.” - John Green

37. “Before you eat the elephant, make sure you know what parts you want to eat.” - Todd Stocker

38. “Skulduggery.""Fletcher."Fletcher stuck out his hand. Skulduggery observed it for a moment."I'm sorry, what are we doing now?""Shaking hands," Fletcher said. "Like adults. I just want you to know that this past year has changed me. I've grown, as a person. I'm not the same Fletcher you used to know."You look a lot like him.""Well, yeah, but-""And you have the same ridiculous hair.""Can we just shake hands?""Of course we can," Skulduggery said, and they shook. "Now what?""I, uh...I don't really know. What do adults usually do after they shake hands?""Generally, the first thing they do is let go.""Oh, right," Fletcher said, and Skulduggery took his hand back. "So, Skulduggery, how have you been? You're looking well. That's a really nice tie."It's blue.""And such a nice shade."Skulduggery looked at Valkyrie. "You promised me he wouldn't be annoying.” - Derek Landy

39. “Instead of Rock, Paper, Scissors, you could play Brick, Blanket, Action Fingers, in which brick cripples action fingers, blanket smothers brick and action fingers beats blanket.” - Nicole McKay Amy Riekhof

40. “Fuck all of you," John retorded. "You don't even exist. We're all just a figment of my cock's imagination.” - David Wong

41. “I wonder what will happen if i put a hand cream on my feet, will they get confused and start clapping?” - Ellen DeGeneres

42. “These boys need women who can take the heat without meltin’ like butter, and sometimes that heat is fiery. They need women who can give back their shit so they don’t walk all over ‘em and get bored out of their fucking skulls. And they need women who can go soft when the situation demands because they get hard knocks on a regular basis, sometimes literal y, and comin’ home to somethin’ soft is the only way to cope.” - Kristen Ashley

43. “What?" she asked again.He pointed ahead of them. "See that?""What, the snow?""Beyond that.""More snow?""Stop looking at the snow.” - Derek Landy

44. “I flipped the good doctor the bird.Snorting, Gideon caught my hand and pulled me back down the hall."What is it with you and giving people the finger?""What? It's a classic.” - Sylvia Day

45. “The first rule of being a ninja is, 'Do no harm.' Unless you mean to do harm. Then do lots of harm.” - Splinter TMNT 2012

46. “I'm not the one going for a biology degree. I'm just a philosophy major who eats people.” - Scott Westerfeld

47. “My mom's a mad scientist. It's a lot like being a regular scientist, except without worrying about legal or moral limitations, and it's a commom profession among the scientifically inclined supervillain.” - Chelsea Campbell

48. “You’ve got a big ego, Fuentes.”“That’s not all I’ve got.” - Simone Elkeles

49. “Nothing says work efficiency like panic mode.” - Don Roff

50. “In any given situation there will always be more dumb people than smart people. We ain't many!” - Ken Kesey

51. “Wearing that personal trainer nametag doesn't make you right #AHOLE” - Andy Ostrom

52. “Dave? This is John. Your pimp says bring the heroin shipment tonight, or he'll be forced to stick you. meet him where we buried the Korean whore. The one without the goatee."That was code. It meant "Come to my place as soon as you can, it's important.” - David Wong

53. “Lord Carradice managed to look wicked, smug, and saintly, all at the same time.” - Anne Gracie

54. “Whenever he looks at me with those big brown eyes, I feel like giving him a nut,” she said. She even started calling the squirrels running around in the park Mr. Whitmans.” - Kerstin Gier