57 Hilarious And Witty Quotes

Laughter has an unparalleled ability to uplift our spirits and brighten even the dullest of days. In times of stress or uncertainty, a clever quip or a humorous remark can offer a refreshing perspective. Whether it’s a witty observation about life’s quirks or a sharp punchline that leaves you in stitches, the right words can do wonders. In this post, we’ve gathered a delightful array of 57 of the most hilarious and witty quotes that promise to tickle your funny bone and stimulate your mind. Let these nuggets of humor remind you of the joy in wit and the art of laughter. Enjoy the journey through this playful tapestry of words!

1. “I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.” - Rodney Dangerfield

2. “You won't even take your bow? Are you planning to throttle a moose with your bare hands, then?""I've a knife in my boot," she said, and then wondered, for a moment, if she could throttle a moose with her bare hands.” - Kristin Cashore

3. “And my piece of advice is...don't flirt with any of the female instructors. They all have access to weapons bigger than yours.” - Simone Elkeles

4. “He shook his head. He didn't know. He couldn't tell when he had woken fully. He walked to the horses. They definitely seemed alarmed. But then, they would. After all, he had just leapt to his feet unexpectedly, waving his saxe knife around like a lunatic.” - John Flanagan

5. “As is perhaps obvious, Morris Zapp had no great esteem for his fellow-labourers in the vineyards of literature. They seemed to him vague, fickle, irresponsible creatures, who wallowed in relativism like hippopotami in mud, with their nostrils barely protruding into the air of common-sense. They happily tolerated the existence of opinions contrary to their own — they even, for God’s sake, sometimes changed their minds. Their pathetic attempts at profundity were qualified out of existence and largely interrogative in mode. They liked to begin a paper with some formula like, ‘I want to raise some questions about so-and-so’, and seemed to think they had done their intellectual duty by merely raising them. This manoeuvre drove Morris Zapp insane. Any damn fool, he maintained, could think of questions; it was answers that separated the men from the boys.” - David Lodge

6. “I didn't realize there was a ranking." I said. "Sadie frowned. "What do you mean?" "A ranking," I said. "You know, what's crazier than what." "Oh, sure there is," Sadie said. She sat back in her chair. "First you have your generic depressives. They're a dime a dozen and usually pretty boring. Then you've got the bulimics and the anorexics. They're slightly more interesting, although usually they're just girls with nothing better to do. Then you start getting into the good stuff: the arsonists, the schizophrenics, the manic-depressives. You can never quite tell what those will do. And then you've got the junkies. They're completely tragic, because chances are they're just going to go right back on the stuff when they're out of here." "So junkies are at the top of the crazy chain," I said. Sadie shook her head. "Uh-uh," she said. "Suicides are." I looked at her. "Why?" "Anyone can be crazy," she answered. "That's usually just because there's something screwed up in your wiring, you know? But suicide is a whole different thing. I mean, how much do you have to hate yourself to want to just wipe yourself out?” - Michael Thomas Ford

7. “You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?” - Chris Rock

8. “Sounds like you kids have some talking to do. I'll be eavesdropping from the kitchen.” - Jill Shalvis

9. “He thinks things through too much.” - Stephenie Meyer

10. “Tag opened the door to his knock, and with a look of disappointment, peered behind Wade."You got someone better coming over?" Wade asked him."Pizza," Tag said.” - Jill Shalvis

11. “She stopped at the desk and held up a can for his view. "This looks like an ordinary hairspray can, right?""Of course." he said though he had no idea what hairspray was.” - Gena Showalter

12. “I’m not aspiring to be someone else – If I’m me for the rest of my life then so be it” - Terry Lander

13. “I wish I had only offered youa sovereign instead of ten pounds. Give me back nine pounds, Jane; I’ve a use for it.''And so have I, sir,' I returned, putting my hands and my purse behind me. 'I could not spare the money on any account.''Little niggard!' said he, 'refusing me a pecuniary request! Give me five pounds, Jane.''Not five shillings, sir; nor five pence.''Just let me look at the cash.''No, sir; you are not to be trusted.” - Charlotte Brontë

14. “Then, almost as an afterthought, she turned and locked the bathroom door. If he thought he was going to seduce her, make her stupid enough to believe his lies by getting her into bed, he'd better think again. She stepped into the water. Besides, women didn't lose brain cells at the thought of sex. Only men did.” - Maggie Shayne

15. “His heavy-lidded gaze reflected a languor that had nothing to do with having just awakened, and there was no doubt what was on his mind. But this is no safe cherry picker, Gwen thought, growing more concerned by the moment.This man looks like a cherry tree chopper-downer.” - Karen Marie Moning

16. “Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.” - John Callahan

17. “If I tell you another seven hundred times, maybe one of these days you might turn your clothes right side out when you put them in the hamper, eh?” - Jodi Picoult

18. “aren't you, uh... reproducing?"sure, we love reproducing it's one of our favorite things.” - Cassandra Clare

19. “I cook better than you," Nick corrected absently. "I think monkeys can probably be taught to cook better than you.""I'd like to have a monkey that cooked for me," said Jamie. " I would pay him in bananas. His name would be Alphonse.""I agree, that would be awesome." Mae said. "People would come for dinner just to see the monkey chef.""You're raving," Nick said, defrosting chicken in the microwave. Mae was a bit impressed with how he seemed to look at the appliance and instantly comprehend its mysteries, when she'd been heating up ready-made meals for years by a method of pressing random buttons and hoping. " I know that's the only way Jamie communicates with people, but I expected better of you, Mavis.""We're cutting out the whole Mavis thing right now, Nick," Mae said warningly."How many bananas would be good payment for a monkey?" Jamie wanted to know. " I would want to pay Alphonse a fair wage.” - Sarah Rees Brennan

20. “A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.” - Erma Bombeck

21. “She'd had sex with a demon. Tayla swallowed bile and tried to keep her stomach from heaving. She needed to shower. And douche.” - Larissa Ione

22. “Sure. What's the worst that could happen." Twenty minutes later, we had our answer. "I can't frecking believe this."I cringed. "I'm so sorry.""I'm bald!" Giguhl continued. "I look like a freak.""It's not that bad," I said. But it was. Oh, my lord was it bad. I'd never seen an uglier cat in my entire life.” - Jaye Wells

23. “Scottish Play Doe was born at 4:13 a.m. on September 6th. The ink was barely dry on his father's new tattoo.” - Adam Rex

24. “If you want more development in your relationship, move to an urban area.” - Bauvard

25. “My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.” - Chelsea Handler

26. “Tell me about yourself, Miss Russell."I started to give him the obligatory response, first the demurral and then the reluctant flat autobiography, but some slight air of polite inattention in his manner stopped me. Instead, I found myself grinning at him."Why don't you tell me about myself, Mr. Holmes?” - Laurie R. King

27. “All I wanted for Christmas was a New Years Eve party that I would never forget. Too bad I got too drunk to remember it.” - Carroll Bryant

28. “I looked at the stained-glass image of the lamb in the window above me, but that only reminded me that lambs are famous for being led to slaughter, or sometimes hanging out with lions in ill-advised relationships.” - Maureen Johnson

29. “A rap at the back door made her jump, and she peered through the window for a long time before she eased open the door a crack. She left the security chain on. 'What do you want, Richard?'Richard Morrell's police cruiser was parked in the drive. He hadn't flashed any lights or howled any sirens, so she supposed it wasn't an emergency, exactly. But she knew him well enough to know he didn't pay social visits, at least not to the Glass House.'Good question,' Richard said. 'I guess I want a nice girl who can cook, likes action movies, and looks good in short skirts. But I'll settle for you taking the chain off the door and letting me in.” - Rachel Caine

30. “While we’re at it, why don’t we add a third emotion to this list: lust. You are probably unaware that Linnaeus lumped the tomato into the same genus as the potato, a food with a reputation for its widespread availability and easy satisfaction of oral needs.” - Benson Bruno

31. “His left eyebrow crept higher and higher as I told him the strange bits like the glowing letters and serpent staff. "Well, Sadie," Inspector Williams said. "You've got quite an imagination." "I'm not lying, Inspector. And I think your eyebrow is trying to escape." He tried to look at his own eyebrows, then scowled.” - Rick Riordan

32. “On horseback you feel as if you're moving in time to classical music; a camel seems to progress to the beat of a drum played by a drunk.” - Walter Moers

33. “I am too much alien and not enough monkey to fit in here.” - Melissa St. Hilaire

34. “Will you quit shouting and let me bleed in peace!” - Ransom Riggs

35. “Simon turned to Jordan, who was lying down across the futon, his head propped against one of the woven throw pillows. "How much of that did you hear?""Enough to gather that we're going to a party tonight," said Jordan. "I heard about the Ironworks event. I'm not in the Garroway pack, so I wasn't invited.""I guess you're coming as my date now." Simon shoved the phone back into his pocket. "I'm secure enough in my masculinity to accept that," said Jordan. "We'd better get you something nice to wear, though," he called as Simon headed back into his room. "I want you to look pretty.” - Cassandra Clare

36. “It's been going on for days now! On and on and on for days! If I hear one more sexual-chemistry-charged and mutually misunderstood argument I'm going to shoot the pair of you!” - Dave Stone

37. “I was just about to open the door, when it opened up right in front of me. And there stood my parents. Is there a word for that moment when two parties are so equally shocked to see each other given the circumstances that all they can do is stare at each other, openmouthed?” - August Westman

38. “hornier than a bunny on ecstasy” - Kyle Adams

39. “Beside me, Philippe and Meg hold hands. He murmurs something that sounds like, "my dear leetle mongoose." I wish he'd turn back into a frog and hop away.” - Alex Flinn

40. “When the power of Jesus fails you, then you know you truly are shit out of luck.” - Guillermo Del Toro

41. “If looks could kill...well, Dick was already dead, so nothing would happen. But Gabriel was not laughing."See Dick," Dick said, pointing at his chest. He then swept his hand dangerously close to mind. "Jane. Dick and Jane. Come on, you humorless jackass. That's funny.” - Molly Harper

42. “Idiot," I said, before grinning broadly and crushing his mouth to mine. "We need to pick new pet names for each other," he muttered as I hefted myself up from the ground.” - Molly Harper

43. “Blankets on the other hand are incredibly needy as they are always trying to fill a “void”. Are a bit whorish in that the instant you walk away from them in less than a minute they’ll be all over someone else, and the moment you actually need them they’re nowhere to be found.” - Nicole McKay

44. “One more victim sucked in by John. You get into the room with him and you just fall into a warm pool of beer and video games and penis jokes, staring at the universe with him and saying, "Do you believe this shit?” - David Wong

45. “My hatred notwithstanding, I had to admit Dimitri Beli-whatever was pretty smart” - Richelle Mead

46. “So the reason I was struck again and again was because of my overwhelmingly positive energy. Funny, I'd always thought of myself as a pessimist.” - Jennifer Bosworth

47. “I'm never wrong, except when I'm wrong.” - Ben D.

48. “I wonder what will happen if i put a hand cream on my feet, will they get confused and start clapping?” - Ellen DeGeneres

49. “He bombarded me with words, of all things, apparently clueless to the fact that the predawn hours rendered me incapable of coherent thought.” - Darynda Jones

50. “You look angry," he said."You put me on hold.""For a very good reason.""You put me," she said very, very slowly, "on hold.” - Derek Landy

51. “Patch leaned back against the booth and arched his eyebrows at me. The gesture said it all: Pay up."You got lucky," I said. "I'm about to get lucky.” - Becca Fitzpatrick

52. “I flipped the good doctor the bird.Snorting, Gideon caught my hand and pulled me back down the hall."What is it with you and giving people the finger?""What? It's a classic.” - Sylvia Day

53. “Here,” I said, shoving the board into his hands. He started laughing.“WHAT are you laughing at?!” I demanded irritably.“Well, it’s just that… that’s going to hurt a bit, my dear. Go on, bend over. I’ll demonstrate.” - Sadey Quinn

54. “Why had she set limits like no sex? I want sex.” - Cherise Sinclair

55. “It's empty." Duane swore harsh enough to make a sailor blush, calling into question not only the suspect's parentage, but that somehow duck's were involved.” - Andrew Grey

56. “No, I don't like you, I just thought you were cute enough to kiss you.” - Frank Ocean

57. “Aurora sagged. "Why is it," she asked, "that every time I'm with you two we end up stealing something big?""We always return it," Donegan said, a little defensively. "Maybe not always in one piece or necessarily to the right person but return it we do, and so it is not stealing, it is merely borrowing."Gracious looked at him. "It's a little bit stealing.""Anyone who leaves a private jet just lying around deserves to have it stolen.""It wasn't lying around," said Gracious. "It was locked up tight. It took us an hour to dismantle the security system and get inside."Donegan looked at him. "You're not helping.” - Derek Landy