57 Hilarious Joke Quotes

In our fast-paced world, a good laugh is sometimes all we need to brighten our day and ease the stress of everyday life. Whether it's a witty one-liner, a clever pun, or a downright silly observation, humor has a special way of connecting us and lifting our spirits. That's why we've scoured the comedic universe to bring you a carefully curated collection of the top 57 hilarious joke quotes. These gems promise to leave you chuckling, grinning, and perhaps even groaning at their playful charm. Get ready to enjoy a joyous ride through the lighter side of life!

1. “In eternity there is no time, only an instant long enough for a joke.” - Hermann Hesse

2. “The joke loses everything when the joker laughs himself.” - Friedrich von Schiller

3. “In the end, perhaps we should simply imagine a joke; a long joke that's continually retold in an accent too thick and strange to ever be completely understood. Life is that joke my friends. The soul is the punch line.” - Tom Robbins

4. “One can never have enough socks," said Dumbledore. "Another Christmas has come and gone and I didn't get a single pair. People will insist on giving me books.” - J.K. Rowling

5. “We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.” - H.L. Mencken

6. “For with dandies, a joke is the only way of making yourself respected.” - Jules Barbey d'Aurevilly

7. “Make it dark, make it grim, make it tough, but then, for the love of God, tell a joke.” - Joss Whedon

8. “Honey, no offense, but sometimes I think I could shoot you and watch you kick.” - Raymond Carver

9. “For the advice in a joke is sometimes more useful than the most serious teaching.” - Balthasar Gracian

10. “And it's Gryfindor in possession again, as Johnson takes the Quaffle— Flint alongside her —poke him in the eye, Angelina —it was a joke, professor, it was a joke...” - J.K. Rowling

11. “The trouble with aggressive nonsmokers is that they feel they are doing you a favor by not allowing you to smoke. They seem to think that one day you'll look back and thank them for those precious fifteen seconds they just added to your life. What they don't understand is that those are just fifteen more seconds you can spend hating their guts and plotting revenge.” - David Sedaris

12. “The combination of ammonia and chloride can be lethal but I've discovered it can work miracles as long as you keep telling yourself, "I want to love, I want to live...” - David Sedaris

13. “An old joke has an Oxford professor meeting an American former graduate student and asking him what he's working on these days. 'My thesis is on the survival of the class system in the United States.' 'Oh really, that's interesting: one didn't think there was a class system in the United States.' 'Nobody does. That's how it survives.” - Christopher Hitchens

14. “It's hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one.” - Rick Riordan

15. “You, Stan, are covered with dirt and leaves.''''I just applied for a job as a tree,'' I said. It made so little sense, he didn't even bother responding.” - Sean Beaudoin

16. “I told Ersken, "Lately it's been like living on the knife's edge, never knowing which side I'll fall off on"Ersken clapped me on the shoulder as we stepped into the street. "Cheer up, Beka. Maybe you were going to fall off that razor's edge before, but not today," he said, as good humored as always. "Today we're doing to jump.” - Tamora Pierce

17. “Don't stop there. I suppose there are also, what, vampires and werewolves and zombies?""Of course there are. Although you mostly find zombies farther south, where the voudun priests are.""What about mummies? Do they only hang around Egypt?""Don't be ridiculous. No one believes in mummies.” - Cassandra Clare

18. “a Jew had to have two synagogues. One that he went to, one that he rejected.” - Jonathan Kellerman

19. “Investigation?" Isabelle laughed. "Now we're detectives? Maybe we should all have code names.""Good idea," said Jace. "I shall be Baron Hotschaft Von Hugenstein.” - Cassandra Clare

20. “C: What do you get when a giant sneezes?Out of the way. - Marigold” - Jean Ferris

21. “You'll have to excuse Zo's manners. She was raised by a group of indigenous swamp wallabies and is at times uncomfortable conversing with civilized humans.""Look, it's like this-" Zo started to say, but then she interrupted herself. "Swamp wallabies?” - Jennifer Lynn Barnes

22. “If life is a joke, let us play it.” - Santosh Kalwar

23. “UFO is a joke when there ain't mystery in the sky.” - Toba Beta

24. “Viktor was swinging a leather duffle and wearing a black Adidas tracksuit and his favorite brown UGG slippers with a hole in the toe."Worn and old, just like Viv," he'd say when Frankie made fun of them, and then his wife would swat him on the arm. But Frankie knew he was just joking, because Viveka was the type of woman you wished was in a magazine just so you could stare at her violet-colored eyes and shiny black hair without being called a stalker or a freak.” - Lisi Harrison

25. “Oh, no-" They weren't even on the runway, and Jonah's father was already immersed in his BlackBerry. "Remember those 'Live Large with the Wiz Generation' posters? Well, guess how that translates into Chinese- 'Jonah Wizard Makes Your Ancestors Fat'.” - Gordon Korman

26. “Happiness is a big joke; let us laugh at it loud.” - Santosh Kalwar

27. “Is this Clarissa Fray?" The voice on the other end of the phone sounded familiar, though not immediately identifiable.Clary twirled the phone cord nervously around her finger. "Yeees?""Hi, I'm one of the knife-carrying hooligans you met last night in Pandemonium? I"m afraid I made a bad impression and was hoping you'd give me a chance to make it up to-""SIMON!" Clary held the phone away from her ear as he cracked up laughing. "That is so not funny!""Sure it is. You just don't see the humor.""Jerk." Clary sighed, leaning up against the wall.” - Cassandra Clare

28. “If life a joke then I’m waiting for the punch. You all about the beef but me, I’m bout the bun.” - Mac Miller

29. “Then the high king carefully turned the golden screw. Once: Nothing. Twice: Nothing. Then he turned it the third time, and the boy’s ass fell off.” - Patrick Rothfuss

30. “I wish the Fallen would just come to us for a change.”Ironically, Fallen Angels dropped from the sky and surrounded us.“I wish I had a chocolate cake!” I exclaimed, staring up.No cake appeared, though I did get a few wry glances. Andrew’s body shook with silent laughter while Lucia gaveme raised eyebrows.“What? It worked for the Fallen Angels.” - Laura Kreitzer

31. “Jack didn’t fully get Jesus. Audrey tried to explain it, and he could repeat it back to her, word for word, but he still didn’t comprehend most of it. The best he could gather was that Jesus lived long ago, told people to be nice, and they killed him for it. At the end, he asked who was Jesus’ necromancer and if he was in the Bible, then Kaldar couldn’t stop laughing and had to sit down.” - Ilona Andrews

32. “Asia is an entertainment, Europe is a dream, America is an imprisonment and Rest is a nightmare.” - Santosh Kalwar

33. “I never stopped joking around long enough to realize you weren't laughing anymore.” - Alexandra Potter

34. “The joke is generally in the oddest way the truth and yet not the fact.” - G.K. Chesterton

35. “La situación actual se parece un poco al chiste que hacían los trabajadores de la antigua Unión Soviética: «¡Nosotros hacemos como que trabajamos y usted hace como que nos paga!»” - Jeffrey D. Sachs

36. “Your... Your aura. It's... amazing. It's shining. I mean, it always shines, but today... Well I've never seen anything like it. I didn't expect that after everything that happened.'I shifted around uncomfortably. If I lit up around Dimitri normally, what on earth happened to my aura post-sex?” - Richelle Mead

37. “You don’t see yourself at all, do you? It seems to me that you’re good at everything you try,” said Ethan sincerely.“I had a dream I could breathe underwater,” I said flippantly, “Maybe I’ll go swim with the mermaids.”Ethan turned to look at me with shock in his eyes.“Just kidding,” I said, alarmed at his reaction” - Derrolyn Anderson

38. “He smiled proudly at the machine Ephraim was staring at. "That's our Coheron Drive. Isn't she beautiful? I helped build her."Ephraim glanced at the coin in his hand. Zoe patted his shoulder comfortingly. "Don't worry. Size doesn't matter in quantum mechanics," she said. "It's how you use it.” - E.C. Myers

39. “But—let me tell you my cat joke. It's very short and simple. A hostess is giving a dinner party and she's got a lovely five-pound T-bone steak sitting on the sideboard in the kitchen waiting to be cooked while she chats with the guests in the living room—has a few drinks and whatnot. But then she excuses herself to go into the kitchen to cook the steak—and it's gone. And there's the family cat, in the corner, sedately washing it's face.""The cat got the steak," Barney said."Did it? The guests are called in; they argue about it. The steak is gone, all five pounds of it; there sits the cat, looking well-fed and cheerful. "Weigh the cat," someone says. They've had a few drinks; it looks like a good idea. So they go into the bathroom and weigh the cat on the scales. It reads exactly five pounds. They all perceive this reading and a guest says, "okay, that's it. There's the steak." They're satisfied that they know what happened, now; they've got empirical proof. Then a qualm comes to one of them and he says, puzzled, "But where's the cat?” - Philip K. Dick

40. “I said I kicked a French chicken in the stomach once." "Huh?" "It said, 'Oeuf.'" "What is that?" "It's a joke. Do you want to hear another, or have you already had un oeuf?” - Jonathan Safran Foer

41. “What's the difference between Darling Cruel, the wind, and a vacuum? A vacuum only sucks. The wind only blows. But Darling sucks, blows, and swallows.” - Sherrilyn Kenyon

42. “. . .when the album was done I loved it. It was a mixture of electric and acoustic solo performances with dubs. I called it Le Noise, after Dan. It was a French Canadian joke, a very English was of saying Lanois. I was doing a show that introduced a lot of the songs, and things were going great. I was very happy.” - Neil Young

43. “Hey,” he said. “Hi.” Oh, damn. It was awkward.“What’re you doing?”“Shearing a sheep. It’s cold outside, and I need a new hat.”He paused. “You’re joking, right?”“Yes, Marshall.” I gnawed on my fingers some more and sunk back in my chair.” - Chanelle Gray

44. “It's unpleasantly like being drunk." "What's so unpleasant about being drunk?" "You ask a glass of water.” - Douglas Adams

45. “It's just that I was thinking you don't ride in that truck of yours, you wear it.” - Stephen King

46. “. . . I still wouldn't be able to control myself around him, and I'm math geek enough to know that equation doesn't work out.” - Robin Brande

47. “When we perceive aliens as a joke to be laughed at,they feel so pity for us on the success of their plans.” - Toba Beta

48. “An Irishman walks into a pub,” she begins and the bar went silent. “The bartender asks him, ‘What'll you have?’” Her Irish accent was spot on. “The man says, ‘Give me three pints of Guinness, please.’ The bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.“The bartender says, ‘Sir, no need to order as many at a time. I’ll keep an eye on it and when you get low, I'll bring you a fresh one.’ The man replies, ‘You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, me brothers have three Guinness stouts too, and we're drinking together.’“The bartender thought this a wonderful tradition and every week the man came in and ordered three beers.” January’s playing and voice became more solemn, dramatic. “But one week, he ordered only two.” The crowd oohed and ahhed. “He slowly drank them,” she continued darkly, “and then ordered two more. The bartender looked at him sadly. ‘Sir, I know your tradition, and, agh, I'd just like to say that I'm sorry for your loss.’“The man looked on him strangely before it finally dawned on him. ‘Oh, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking.” - Fisher Amelie

49. “My old man taught me to never trust anything that bleeds for three days and doesn't die.” - Tommy Tran

50. “So proper for a circus girl," Mme. Padva says with with a gleam in her eye. "We shall have to loosen those corset laces if we intend to keep you an intimate dinner company.""I expected the corset unlacing would take place after dinner," Celia says mildly, earning a chorus of laughter."We shall keep Miss Bowen as intimate company regardless of the state of her corset," Chandresh says. "Make a note of that," he adds, waving a hand at Marco."Miss Bowen's corset is duly noted, sir," Marco replies, and the laghter bubbles over the table again.” - Erin Morgenstern

51. “Sometimes When You Are Serious, People Thought You Were Joking, But Sometimes When You Are Joking, People Thought You Were Serious” - Harry Toh Jun Shen

52. “A man walks into a bar, and he said OUCH, cause it was an iron bar.” - Tommy Cooper

53. “I don’t like seeing you hit.”“Well, to be quite honest, I don’t like being hit unless it’s by you.” As soon as it was out of my mouth, I realized what I had said. “That sounded all sorts of wrong.”“Insanely so, actually.”“To be clear,” I said to any overhearing ears, “I hit him back--”“Hard.”“It’s a very give-and-take, non-abuse type hitting situation…”The sides of Liam’s mouth folded up like an accordion. “You should probably stop now.”“I’m trying. My mouth keeps moving of its own accord.” - Tammy Blackwell

54. “Fuck it... That's really the attitude that keeps a family together, it's not "we love each other", it's just "fuck it, man.” - Louis C.K.

55. “What do you call a rifle with three barrels?A trifle.” - Joseph Rosenbloom

56. “Someone once told me a joke," he said. "I'd like to be a pacifist, but people keep getting in the way.' I made a decision to fight for my friend in prison. It was a deliberate decision. It isn't the only way-it's just something I decided.” - Edeet Ravel

57. “This wise old whiskery fish swims up to three young fish and goes, 'Morning, boys, how's the water?' and swims away; and the three young fish watch him swim away and look at each other and go, 'What the fuck is water?' and swim away.” - David Foster Wallace