58 Funny Quotes To Enjoy

Laughter has an unparalleled power to uplift our spirits and brighten even the dullest of days. Whether it's a witty one-liner or a cleverly crafted joke, humor brings a unique joy that resonates with people from all walks of life. Dive into this curated collection of 58 funny quotes, carefully selected to tickle your funny bone and provide a moment of levity. Perfect for sharing with friends or enjoying on your own, these quotes are sure to leave you smiling and perhaps even chuckling out loud. So sit back, relax, and prepare to indulge in a delightful dose of humor that celebrates the lighthearted side of life.

1. “Ten Things You Shouldn't Say on a Date.1. You're wearing that?2. Something smells funny.3. Where's the Tylenol?4. And to think, I first wanted to date your brother.5. I have a confession to make…6. My dad has a suit just like that.7. That man is hot. Look at him.8. My ex, may he rot in hell forever…9. You're going to order that? Seriously?10. You're how old?” - Gena Showalter

2. “When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. Then find someone who's life is givin' them vodka and have a party!” - Ron White

3. “He thinks things through too much.” - Stephenie Meyer

4. “And she says, “Then let’s just take the effing road and get ourselves to Haven.”I smile, a little. “You said effing,” I say. “You actually said the word effing.” - Patrick Ness

5. “Being dead wasn't supposed to hurt. Where was the fairness in that? If I was dead, the least the universe could do was make it painless” - Kiersten White

6. “Zebrowski says that if you killed someone else just hide the body, he's not starting over on the paperwork.” - Laurell K. Hamilton

7. “Sane is boring.” - R. A. Salvatore

8. “After all, this was the place where I’d had my first meaningful conversation with a female, it was the site of a football’s first encounter with my groin, and above all, it was the location where I was first punched in the face by a bully. Somewhere out there, a tooth of mine lay deep within the soil.” - Weston Locher

9. “It's funny how different people are. If I'd been this kid and someone was snarling "Ordering a pizza?" at me, without even thinking, I would have snarled back "Yeah. You want pepperoni?"-Maximum Ride” - James Patterson

10. “Well, well, well,” Santa said once the elf had retreated. “Come and sit on my lap, little boy.”This Santa’s beard was real, and so was his hair. He wasn’t fucking around.“I’m not really a little boy,” I pointed out.“Get on my lap, then, big boy.”I walked up to him. There wasn’t much lap under his belly. And even though he tried to disguise it, as I went up there, I swear he adjustedhis crotch.“Ho ho ho!” he chortled.I sat gingerly on his knee, like it was a subway seat with gum on it.“Have you been a good little boy this year?” he asked.I didn’t feel that I was the right person to determine my own goodness or badness, but in the interest of speeding along this encounter, I said yes.He actually wobbled with joy.“Good! Good! Then what can I bring you this Christmas?”I thought it was obvious.“A message from Lily,” I said. “That’s what I want for Christmas. But I want it right now.”“So impatient!” Santa lowered his voice and whispered in my ear. “But Santa does have a little something for you”—he shifted a little inhis seat—“right under his coat. If you want to have your present, you’ll have to rub Santa’s belly.”“What?” I asked.He gestured with his eyes down to his stomach. “Go ahead.”I looked closely and saw the faint outline of an envelope beneath his red velvet coat.“You know you want it,” he whispered.The only way I could survive this was to think of it as the dare it was.Fuck off, Lily. You can’t intimidate me.I reached right under Santa’s coat. To my horror, I found he wasn’t wearing anything underneath. It was hot, sweaty, Geshy, hairy … andhis belly was this massive obstacle, blocking me from the envelope. I had to lean over to angle my arm in order to reach it, the whole timehaving Santa laugh, “Oh ho ho, ho ho oh ho!” in my ear. I heard the elf scream, “What the hell!” and various parents start to shriek. Yes, I was feeling up Santa. And now the corner of the envelope was in my hand. He tried to jiggle it away from me, but I held tight and yanked itout, pulling some of his white belly hair with me. “OW ho ho!” he cried. I jumped o1 his lap. “Security’s here!” the elf proclaimed. The letter was in my hand, damp but intact. “He touched Santa!” a young child squealed.” - Rachel Cohn

11. “What do you think? Does this face make me look fat?” - Kiersten White

12. “Homework is not an option. My bed is sending out serious nap rays. I can't help myself. The fluffy pillows and warm comforter are more powerful than I am. I have no choice but to snuggle under the covers.” - Laurie Halse Anderson

13. “The thought of being with Shay Wilder makes me want to gouge my eyes out with a butter knife” - Lisa McMann

14. “I helped with customers who raced through the front door in a mad search for the perfect gift. One that looked as if they'd put hours of thought into their choice. And yes, you're right. They were mostly men." -- Abby Shaw, Sucker Punched” - Sammi Carter

15. “Fredrika Bimm, what do you think you're doing?""Freaking out. Losing my mind. Thinking about snapping your husband's spine. Squashing the urge to vomit. Wishing I had died at childbirth.""Oh, you say that when you don't get a prize in your Lucky Charms.” - MaryJanice Davidson

16. “So,” sneered Fudge, recovering himself, “you intend to take on Dawlish, Shacklebolt, Dolores, and myself single-handed, do you, Dumbledore?”“Merlin’s beard, no,” said Dumbledore, smiling. “Not unless you are foolish enough to force me to.”“He will not be single-handed!” said Professor McGonagall loudly, plunging her hand inside her robes.“Oh yes he will, Minerva!” said Dumbledore sharply. “Hogwarts needs you!” - J.K. Rowling

17. “Last night I was seriously considering whether I was a bisexual or not but I don’t think so though I’m not sure if I’d like to be and argh I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, if you like a person, you like the person, not their genitals.” - Jess C. Scott

18. “In life, more than in anything else, it isn’t easy to end up alive.” - Roman Payne

19. “A fit, healthy body—that is the best fashion statement” - Jess C. Scott

20. “Coincidentally, a good age for a Japanese girl is younger than twenty five, because that's when she turns into a 'Christmas Cake'. Christmas cakes, as everyone knows, are desirable before the twenty fifth but afterward quickly become stale and are put on the shelf. ” - Andrew Davidson

21. “And I'm sure than in Poland, or somewhere, it is considered cool to drive a Porsche and wear necklaces and black silk, but at least back in Brooklyn if you did those things you were either a drug dealer or from New Jersey.” - Meg Cabot

22. “Quirky, funny, happy-go-lucky dead inside Dexter. No longer Dexter with the knife, Dexter the Avenger. Not until next time.” - Jeff Lindsay

23. “-"He loved her...It was noble of him. It was beautiful."-"It was stupid.” - Lloyd Alexander

24. “Do you prefer to be called Richard or Dick?” “Ric.” “Dick? I'll make a note of that on your file.” I spoke aloud as I wrote. “Patient prefers to be called Dick.” - Zathyn Priest

25. “Jace said that the cast of Gilligan's Island could do something anatomically unlikely with themselves.” - Cassandra Clare

26. “Alec licked his spoon, then set it on the table and popped his drink open. "Okay, I may be breaking some kind of girl bonding rule or something, but can I offer you a guy's perspective on this?"I frowned, my spoon halfway to my mouth. "Is this gonna make me want to hit you?"He shrugged. "Maybe. But it's the truth. Here goes: kissing back is an instinct. Unless the girl smells like a sewer or has tentacles feeling you up independently, a guy's first instinct is to kiss back. That's how it works. What's important is how long that kissing back lasted. So...how long?” - Rachel Vincent

27. “What was worse, he couldn't tell her how much he thought he maybe might kinda sorta love her.” - Gena Showalter

28. “Kid 1: *examining my gorgeous strawberry and blueberry pies*: Wow, Mom, your pies don’t look awful this time.Me (Ilona): ...~A little later~Kid 2: *wandering into the kitchen*Kid 1: Hey, you’ve got to see these pies. *opening the stove*Kid 2: Wow. They are not ugly this time.Kid 1: I know, right?” - Ilona Andrews

29. “Myrnin turned away to pick up his Ben Franklin spectacles, balanced them on his nose, and looked over them to say, "Don't do drugs. I feel I ought to say that.” - Rachel Caine

30. “He who lies down with dogs shall rise with fleas” - Christina Dodd

31. “I think so,” she [Claire] said. “Just watch your back, okay?” “Nah, Michael’s got mine.” He [Shane] looked straight into her eyes.“I’ve got yours.” - Rachel Caine

32. “Promise me, Amelie, that you’ll crucify me with silver before you allow me to fall in love.”“I hardly think there’s any chance of that,” Amelie said. "I doubt you have the capacity.” - Rachel Caine

33. “And I like a good horror story as much as the next person so long as they kill off some men too and not just girls. But the voices Joan heard were real. There’s clear and substantiated proof they were real. She won battles that would otherwise have been lost because of what those voices told her in advance of them allowing the French generals to strategize in ways completely different than they did before Joan came along. People’s lives were saved because of what those voices told her.” - Meg Cabot

34. “I'm sure I look like a drowned cat.""You look fine. The wet look works for you."I scowled. "Now I know you're lying.” - Jennifer L. Armentrout

35. “Why were you watching me change?" I explain. "Uh, 'cause I'm a guy?" He flips the pillow and slaps it, fluffing it. Then he rolls over and closes his eyes again.” - Miranda Kenneally

36. “Tighe took control of his thoughts.“You need to use the bathroom. When I tell you to, go into the house. Two cats will try to comein with you. You must let them in. Don’t allow anyone to stop them. Once inside the house, you’llgo into the bathroom and close the door, pull down your pants, then curl up on the floor and go tosleep.”The bastard’s career would be over when they caught him, literally, with his pants down. But hedeserved it for kicking a cat.” - Pamela Palmer

37. “Whole new theories of money were growing here like mushrooms: in the dark and based on bullshit.” - Terry Pratchett

38. “Sexton: I think the whole world's gone mad.Death: Uh-uh. It's always like this. You probably just don't get out enough.” - Neil Gaiman

39. “Mom, camping is not a date; it's an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.” - Yvonne Prinz

40. “I love family reunions. Maybe next year we could pass out samurai swords.” - Doug Solter

41. “yes, i have dated Salvador Dali guy when i was a high school girl. he was a great lover. but i had to dump him because he stole my inspiration of bent clock*~* .... who cares...” - Hiroko Sakai

42. “Hundreds of words await ostracism from our functional vocabularies: waltz and fizz and squeeze and booze and frozen pizza pie, frizzy and fuzzy and dizzy and duzzy, the visualization of emphyzeema-zapped Tarzans, wheezing and sneezing, holding glazed and anodized bazookas, seized by all the bizarrities of this zany zone we call home. Dazed or zombified citizens who recognize hazardous organizations of zealots in their hazy midst, too late - too late to size down. Immobilized we iz. Minimalized. Paralyzed. Zip Zap. ZZZZZZZZZ. Crazy.Crazy.Did I say crazy?” - Mark Dunn

43. “We'll never find that one, and I'll be blamed," announced Edd Tollett, the dour grey-haired squire everyone called Dolorous Edd. "Nothing ever goes missing that they don't look at me, ever since that time I lost my horse. As if that could be helped. He was white and it was snowing, what did they expected” - George R.R. Martin

44. “Uh- you shouldn't mock orange if I were you - Why not?*everyone sings* He will He will mock youHe will He will mock you*orange starts singing*Hey buddy bannanaYou live in a habanayou small like a cabanabut sdon't worry it's gonna be great somedayReally?Orange: Nope..Not really*Everyone sings*He will He will mock youHe will He will mock you.” - Annoying Orange

45. “He nuzzled my neck, inhaling deeply. “Mmm. You smell so good.”“Oh, yeah,” I said, smirking. “I call this new perfume ‘Le Jungle grime et tropical BO.’ ”“Dirt and sweat. Very sexy.” - James Patterson

46. “His eyebrows pulled in. “You won’t leave me, right? Even when I’m a pain in the ass?”“I vowed in front of God – and Elvis – that I wouldn’t, didn’t I?” - Jamie McGuire

47. “Sithspit! What's that?''That's the sun, Wedge. It's after dawn.''Well, it offends me. Turn it off.''It's a hundred thirty, hundred forty million klicks from here.''Go up in your X-wing and shoot it down for me.” - Aaron Allston

48. “Pastors are starting to get wily. When people tell my friend, 'I'm not being fed,' he replies, 'I'm prefectly happy to spoon feed my one-year-old. But if I'm still spoon-feeding him when he's five, we've got a problem. Here's a fork. Feed yourself.” - Jonathan Acuff

49. “Leave your incidental Dick.” - Vladimir Nabokov

50. “There's no time to waste," Kai said. He did a backflip off the tower and ran off."What is it with that guy?" Jay asked. "Always in a rush!” - Greg Farshtey

51. “What were you thinking?" I demanded once we were moving to the music. I was trying to ignore his hands. "Do you know how much trouble you may have gotten me in?"Adrian grinned. "Nah. They all feel bad for you. You'll achieve martyrdom after dancing with a mean, wicked vampire. Job security with the Alchemists.” - Richelle Mead

52. “I'm sorry, I don't understand. Could you tell me more about this 'profanity'?"Mrs. Miller nodded at my dictionary. "I'll assume you don't need a definition. Perhaps you'd prefer an example?""That would be so helpful, thank you very much."Without missing a beat, Mrs. Miller rattled off a stream of obscenities so fully and completely unexpected that I fell off my chair. Mothers were defiled, their male and female children, as well as any and all offspring who just happened to be born out of wedlock. AS for the sacred union that produced these innocent babes, the pertinent bodily appendages were catalogued by a list of names so profoundly scurrilous that a grizzled marine, conceived in a brothel and dying of a disease he contracted in one, would've wished he'd been born as smooth as a Ken doll. The act itself was invoked with such a verity of incestuous, scatological, bestial, and just plain bizarre variations that that same marine would've given up on the Ken doll fantasy, and wished instead that all life had been confined to a single-cell stage, forever free of taint of mitosis, let alone procreation. Somewhere during the course of all this I noticed I'd snapped my pencil in half, and now I used the two ends to gouge out my brain. "Guhhhhhh guhhhhh guhhhhhh guhhhhh guhhhhh," I said, by which I meant: "You have shattered whatever tattered remnants of pedagogical propriety I still possessed, and my tender young mind has broken beneath the strain." Nervously, I climbed back into my chair, the two halves of my pencil sticking out of ears like an arrow that had shot clean through my head. Mrs. Miller allowed herself a small self-congratulatory smile.” - Dale Peck

53. “Obsessive compulsive" Nikolaus mumble in amusement. "I would rather eat a grenade than make a line with two different colors!" Remy responded in a pained voice as he pointed at the pad of paper. Thiago snickered as he continued to torment the Cajun with his blue pen.Speaking of grenades, though... Brandt had a timing device around here somewhere. What had he done with it?” - Abigail Roux

54. “I survived a divorce, no children and come to Paris three days per week. My cat ran away on a love adventure; don't know when he will be back.” - Tionne Rogers

55. “Lily, the girl who’d talked back to the jock, said, “I want to get as far awayfrom my parents as possible. We’re like potassium and water.”The other kids laughed and I said, “Huh?”“If potassium comes into contact with water, it instantly combusts,” Lilysaid slowly so if she was talking to a child.” - Marta Acosta

56. “I don't think the heavy stuff is gonna come down for quite a while!” ― Bill Murray character in Cadyshack” - Mark Buff

57. “What was that bit about fish sticks?” he asked, climbing back into the SUV.“Oh, pretty clever of her actually, though I thought it ridiculous at the time. Sometimes Mom gets paranoid, thinks people might be out to get her, out to get me.” I laughed nervously at how close that hit to home. “Anyway, one night she was really freaked out and came up with a code. If I was everkidnapped or something, she would say something about me liking fish sticks. If I said I wanted fish sticks, that meant I was in danger and needed help, no matter what else I’d said to her that I was fine.” “So by you saying you hate fish sticks…”“She knows I’m fine and she doesn’t need to further involve the police. Who says bipolar disorder can’t be useful?” - Christina Garner

58. “Dave? This is John. Your pimp says bring the heroin shipment tonight, or he'll be forced to stick you. meet him where we buried the Korean whore. The one without the goatee."That was code. It meant "Come to my place as soon as you can, it's important.” - David Wong