58 Humorous And Witty Quotes

In a world where laughter is the best medicine, witty and humorous quotes serve as quick remedies for the soul. They encapsulate life's absurdities and insights with a clever twist, bringing a smile to our faces and new perspectives to our minds. Whether you need a chuckle to brighten your day or a smart quip to share with friends, our curated collection of the top 58 humorous and witty quotes promises to deliver both laughter and reflection. Dive in and enjoy the charming wit and timeless humor that these quotes have to offer!

1. “I just know there's an albino living in the colored quarters. I can feel it in my bones.” - Fannie Flagg

2. “YOU. GOT. FOOD. IN. MY. HAIR.” - Stephenie Meyer

3. “I don't believe in magic.” - J.K. Rowling

4. “Look," I whisper to Cat, "Shooting star! That's good luck."She rolls her eyes. "It's a plane, you idiot," she says, and when I look again I can see that she's right. Typical.” - Cathy Cassidy

5. “Awwww, lame, we're not going to disneyworld. (said by the amazing talking dog, Total)” - James Patterson

6. “Okay, but would you say between us we have the combined IQ of at least a garden slug?” - Norah Wilson

7. “It seems to me that a man who can think straight along for forty-seven years without changing a single idea ought to be kept in a cabinet as a curiosity.” - Jean Webster

8. “Ooh, big day in town for our park warden,” I said. “They’re even making you wear the uniform.Hayley’s mom will be happy. She thinks you look hot in it.”Dad turned as red as his hair.Mom’s laugh floated out from her studio. “Maya Delaney. Leave your father alone.” - Kelley Armstrong

9. “Seth rolled his eyes. “Because you’re such a ladies man.”“I can be. I just have standards, is all. I’m very selective about who I choose to spend time with, whereas you’ll fuck anything that moves. And several things that don’t.” - Elle Parker

10. “Wait!" Conrad said. "Did someone... one of my enemies set this fire?"Nix turned back with a grin. "Unless you'd pissed off some wirring-hungry nutrias, then I'm going with no.” - Kresley Cole

11. “The crowd quieted as a whole, but more than one creature cursed under his breath, "Not Regin."A drunk hunched over the bar muttered, "That glowing one made me eat a transistor radio once.” - Kresley Cole

12. “I'm not crazy, but I suspect the voices in my head are. ~Chrissy” - Kelli Sullivan

13. “You're a goose-down parka and a pair of mittens away from Narnia” - christopher Koehler

14. “So I see you got to know Trish on a pretty intimate level tonight,” Max said, focusing her attention back on the present as they made their way down the deserted roads back to her house. “She was definitely…friendly.”What Landon casually defined as friendly was what Max more accurately described as molestation. Her hands had disappeared under the table, rubbing his leg or whatever she was doing, more times than she spent holding her damn cards. Landon’s indifference to the whole thing was entirely impossible to read. Was he enjoying the attention? Wouldn’t any man? Not that it was any of her business. Landon was just some guy that she’d let stay with her for a few days. The fact that he was good-looking was irrelevant. Trish could have him for all she cared as long as they kept the indecencies out of her house.“Well, don’t you worry about her. She’s a bit of a flirt when she’s drunk. I’m pretty sure she’d hit on a monkey.”“You just compared me to a monkey and you don’t want me to worry?”“You know what I mean.”“I’m sorry, I don’t.”“Don’t tell me that girls like that actually appeal to you.”“Jealous?”“Hardly,” Max shot back defensively. “I just pegged you for a man with higher standards that’s all.” She couldn’t really say why she’d chosen to share her opinion. No harm in giving the guy a little warning, right?“You’ve pegged me for a lot of things.” - Shawn Kirsten Maravel

15. “I'm good at blowjob.” - Lauren Baker

16. “Jules stood up and stretched gracelessly. “Let’s hurry up and pay before she”-she indicated Claire with a flick of her thumb-“sees something shiny and we lose her again.” - Kimberly Derting

17. “What was that?” I croaked.Akhol sidestepped into my view and towered over us. “It was a Demon.”“But you said—”“I know what I said,” Akhol cut in sharply, rubbing his eyes. “There was something wrong with it. Like the Demonhad adapted to the darkness and water.”I shivered. “Did he have a ring that he called ‘my precious’?” I joked to try and lighten the mood. I didn’t get a goodlook at the Demon, but my mind had no problems picturing Gollum.They stared at me blankly.” - Laura Kreitzer

18. “I have not had so good of a week. Well, monday was a pretty good day, if you don't count Hamburger Surprise at lunch and Margaret's mother coming to get her. Or the stuff that happened in the principal's office when I got sent there to explain that Margaret's hair was not my fault and besides she looks okay without it, but I couldn't because Principal Rice was gone, trying to calm down Margaret's mother. Someone should tell you not to answer the phone in the principal's office, if that's a rule. Okay, fine, Monday was not so good of a day.” - Sara Pennypacker

19. “I waved my hand like a frantic dust mop fingers spread ludicrously wide apart as if to say “What jolly fun ” What I wanted to do actually was to leap to my feet strike a pose and burst into one of those “Yo-ho for the open road ” songs they always play in the cinema musicals but I stifled the urge and settled for a ghastly grin and an extra twiddle of the fingers.” - Alan Bradley

20. “It was quite wrong of me Had I heard what I thought I’d heard or were my ears playing hob with me It was more likely that the sun and the moon should suddenly dance a jolly jig in the heavens than that one of my sisters should apologize. It was simply unheard of.” - Alan Bradley

21. “During these mad dashes to the wall phone in the kitchen she hadn't time to fall but with fantastical grace and dexterity wrenched herself upright in midfall and continued running (dogs whimpering, yapping hysterically in her wake, cats scattering wide-eyed and plume-tailed) before the telephone ceased it's querulous ringing--though frequently she was greeted with nothing more than a derisive dial tone, in any case.” - Joyce Carol Oates

22. “How am I going to explain to my kids one day that I can't buy them a happy meal because the toy will make them fat?” - Carroll Bryant

23. “All I wanted for Christmas was a New Years Eve party that I would never forget. Too bad I got too drunk to remember it.” - Carroll Bryant

24. “You mustn't let men drive you to mangling the English language, no matter how sweet they are.” - Marisa de los Santos

25. “Marry me. Nay, marriage will cost us precious moments together. Let us make sweet, passionate love right here. Let me bear your children.”A primal growl signaled Miss Lynn getting over her shock at being thus addressed. She lunged forward; Jack deftly rolled off the bench, jumping up out of her reach.“Goodness, I didn’t expect you to be quite this enthusiastic about my advances. If I don’t play hard to get, how will I ever know whether or not you respect me?” - Kiersten White

26. “When it comes to being famous, you’re usually the last to know, and the first to deny it. Unless you were already famous in your head. In which case, party on, Wayne! Party on, Garth!” - Carroll Bryant

27. “Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife.” - Mark Watson

28. “Nona had been bonkers since I could remember. Dad said it was menopause, but I had looked that up once, and I highly doubted that was the case.” - Holly Hood

29. “Und solange nur garantiert war, dass Rava dabei neben mir stand, hätte ich in diesem Moment sogar eine Einladung auf ein schönes großes Glas abgestandenen Blumenwassers angenommen. ” - Emilia Polo

30. “I’m currently imagining a few creative ways of causing you extraordinary amounts of pain.”Kingsley raised his chin. Mere inches separated their faces.“Stop flirting. You know we don’t have time for that.” - Tiffany Reisz

31. “Hout! She plays like a man,” Colin said. “I doubt any of us could beat her. You were very fortunate, brother.” “Aye,” Alysandir grumbled, and everyone laughed. “ I considered myself very fortunate to win two games,” Isobella said. “Ye played very well,” Colin said. “She amazes me on daily basis,” Grim said. At that point, everyone looked at Alysandir, who had remained quiet throughout the discussion. He gave her frank stare and asked, “Is there anything ye canna do?” “Be quiet,” Isobella said so candidly that everyone fell into fits of laughter, Alysandir included. – Isobella Douglas & Alysandir Mackinnon” - Elaine Coffman

32. “...and there encountered with him all at once Sir Bors, Sir Ector, and Sir Lionel, and they three smote him at once with their spears, and with force of themselves they smote Sir Lancelot's horse reverse to the earth. And by misfortune Sir Bors smote Sir Lancelot through the shield into the side...” - Malory Thomas Sir

33. “Dear lord, the flash of his gleaming white teeth was like a hot button to my nether regions. Down vagina! Down, girl.”Bad Rep by A. Meredith Walters” - A. Meredith Walters

34. “Now and Laters. Starbust, Pixie Stix. If she gets too bitchy, just feed her this crap. As long as the sugar high is in effect, you and the wildlife should be safe” - Gayle Forman

35. “He was fucking with us pretty hard in the saferoom,” Sandra called from the front of the plane’s undercarriage.“Aw, Sandy, that wasn’t fucking,” Simon said. “That was just, I don’t know, really obnoxious foreplay or something.” - M. Chandler

36. “Beside me, Philippe and Meg hold hands. He murmurs something that sounds like, "my dear leetle mongoose." I wish he'd turn back into a frog and hop away.” - Alex Flinn

37. “Does he ever eat? Nope. Does he sleep during the day and only comes out at night? Yep. Is he so sexy you’d sell your soul to spend just a night with him? Double-yep. What other proof do you need?” - Jayde Scott

38. “It seems like I've only shut my eyes for a few minutes, but when I open them, I flinch at the sight of Haymitch sitting a couple of feet from my bed. Waiting. Possibly for several hours if the clck is right. I think about hollering for a witness, but I'm going to have to face him sooner or later. Haymitch leans forward and dangles something on a thin white wire in front of my nose. It's hard to focus on, but I'm pretty sur what it is. He drops it in to the sheets. "That is your earpiece. I will give you exactly one more chance to wear it. If you remove it from your ear again, I'll have you fitted with this." He holds up some sort of metal headgear that I instantly name the head shackle. "It's alternative audio unit that locks around your skull and under your chin until it's opened with a key. And I'll have the only key. If for some reason you're clever enough to disable it" ---- Haymitch dumps the head shackle on the bed and whips out a tiny silver chip--- "I'll authorize them to surgically implant this transmitter into your ear so that I may speak to you twenty-four hours a day." Haymitch in my head full-time. Horrifying. "I'll keep the earpiece in," I mutter "Excuse me?" He says "I'll keep the earpiece in!" I say loud enough to wake half the hospital. "You sure? Because I'm equally happy with any of the three options," he tells me "I'm sure," I say. I scrunch up the earpiece protectivley in my fist and fling the head shakle back in his face with my free hand, but he catches it easily. Probably was expecting me to throw it. "Anything else?" Haymitch rises to go. "While I was waiting. . . I ate your lunch." My eyes take in the empty stew bowl and tray on my bed table. "I'm going to report you," I mumble into my pillow. "You do that sweetheart." He goes out, safe in the knowledge that I'm not the reporting kind.” - Suzanne Collins

39. “When he woke, daylight was coming through the glass floor, and a boy's voice said, "Oh...You are in so much trouble.” - Rick Riordan

40. “It weighed down on me like a rucksack filled with dog turds.” - David Wailing

41. “My calculations - allowing for a 12 percent margin of error, based on the radius of the corresponding confidence interval and the surgeon general's warning - concluded that they probably didn't stay behind for the tacos.” - Darynda Jones

42. “Our conversation starts out pretty normal. Matthew does most of the talking, as usual. He tells me about Wesley. He tells me everything. Well, almost everything. I was lucky enough to stop him before he got into the explicit details. Wesley also helped by nudging him with his shoulder. He even covered Matthew's mouth when the conversation took a sudden turn because the word package was used. Yeah, the conversation went from sweet and romantic to soft-core porn in about two seconds.” - L. Arthur

43. “I haven't stopped looking for the good in people. I've just accepted the fact that I'm not always going to find it.” - Patti LaBelle

44. “You're doing fucking awesome, Colt whispers in my ear and I can't help but smile at that. Only he would use the word 'fuck' at my mom's funeral.” - Nyrae Dawn

45. “Bildon killed Tad. Look, there’s his dagger hidden in the pot of semolina. There’s the proof,” he screamed. “It’s in the pudding.”What an idiot, thought Madrick as he raced up the steps, the proof is always in the eating.” - Ken Magee

46. “You want to break the curse, I want to break the curse. We don't need to be nice. We need to be effective. Just help me figure it out, and I'll make you a rich woman.” - Kate Avery Ellison

47. “Valentine's day without your love is like a year without the Internet.” - Santosh Kalwar

48. “Yes, it’s true. I can now tell you where cups and plates are to be found in my own kitchen. I know it’s a shock, but soon I may even be able to locate a bowl.” - Rebecca L. Ethington

49. “How funny.” I say flatly. “and I was hoping for a battle of wits but you appear to be unarmed.” His laugh fills the silence and brings a smile to my face.” - K. Larsen

50. “The big male gestured to a chair in the corner. "Mind if I sit?"She nodded her acquiescence. "Go right ahead. That chair has seen more tail than a rock star lately.” - Elisabeth Staab

51. “In Norwegian that would be 'hun ma dra. Kanskje er hun gravid.'" Astley sttempts to smile.i can't help teasing him. "Which? Asking to go to the bathroom or dissing me because I'm pregnant.""you are with child?" his eyes open wid, all mock terrified."No! Shut up. You know I'm not." I punch him in the arm and then lead him into the stairwell, shutting the door behind us. "Okay. Seriously, Astley, what happened to you? Why is your head bleeding?” - Carrie Jones

52. “When we entered the first chamber of the dungeon, the stench made me recoil. It smelled like someone had mixed together kerosene, rotten fruit, stale blood, urine, and dog shit, then blown it up. How had I not noticed this before? I wasn't even breathing, but the rancid odor found its way into my nose anyway."This place stink.""Did the guards forget to spray Febreze?" Vlad asked in mock indignation. Then he gave me a jaded look. "It s a dungeon, Leila. They re supposed to smell."Mission accomplished. The stench might have actually killed my new appetite. If Hell could fart, it would smell like this.” - Jeaniene Frost

53. “I don't think the heavy stuff is gonna come down for quite a while!” ― Bill Murray character in Cadyshack” - Mark Buff

54. “Yeah 220, 221 whatever it takes!" Michael Keaton character in "Mr. Mom” - Mark Buff

55. “Do you sleep in a coffin?” Okay, I admit that one was a little out of line, not to mention corny.“Of course not,” he laughs loudly. “I sleep in a bed.” A pause. “Would you like to see it?” - L.H. Cosway

56. “Will you promise to keep this to yourself, to not tell anyone of what we are?” By his words you’d think he was giving me a choice. Like I could say,no deal, honey bunch, I’m off to shout your secret from the rooftops, and he’d be like, oh no please don’t do that. Inreality, he’d have to kill me.” - L.H. Cosway

57. “Sometimes you just gotta wear the tinfoil hat.” - Gary Hopkins

58. “On my way to the parking lot, in quick succession, I saw students wearing t-shirts which read, “Save the whales. Collect the whole set,” “Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now,” and “Half the people you know are below average.” Typical for the Eastern student body.” - Neil Plakcy