60 Funny Quotes To Brighten Your Day

Laughter truly is the best medicine, and a sprinkle of humor can turn an average day into a memorable one. Whether you’re seeking a quick pick-me-up or just want to share a laugh with friends, our curated collection of the top 60 funny quotes has got you covered. From witty one-liners to hilarious observations, these quotes are guaranteed to put a smile on your face and lighten your mood. Dive in, enjoy, and let the giggles begin!

1. “Just believe everything I tell you, and it will all be very, very simple.""Ah, well, I'm not sure I believe that.” - Douglas Adams

2. “Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.” - Albert Einstein

3. “Shane looked…pale. Pale and shaken and—how predictable was this?—pissed.” - Rachel Caine

4. “I'm going to wake Peeta," I say."No, wait," says Finnick. "Let's do it together. Put our faces right in front of his."Well, there's so little opportunity for fun left in my life, I agree. We position ourselves on either side of Peeta, lean over until our faces are inches frim his nose, and give him a shake. "Peeta. Peeta, wake up," I say in a soft, singsong voice.His eyelids flutter open and then he jumps like we've stabbed him. "Aa!"Finnick and I fall back in the sand, laughing our heads off. Every time we try to stop, we look at Peeta's attempt to maintain a disdainful expression and it sets us off again.” - Suzanne Collins

5. “Tea should be as bitter as wormwod and as sharp as a two eged swordKit Snicket (a series of unfortunate events)” - Lemony Snicket

6. “Albus Dumbledore had gotten to his feet. He was beaming at the students, his arms opened wide, as if nothing could have pleased him more than to see them all there."Welcome!" he said. "Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts! Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!""Thank you!"He sat back down. Everybody clapped and cheered. Harry didn't know whether to laugh or not.“Is he — a bit mad?” he asked Percy uncertainly."Mad?" said Percy airily. "He's a genius! Best wizard in the world! But he is a bit mad, yes. Potatoes, Harry?” - J.K. Rowling

7. “Not one word," Kel warned. "Tobe and I have reached an understanding." Neal's lips twitched. "Why do I feel you did most of the understanding.” - Tamora Pierce

8. “When you're writing what you love, it's the most fun you can have with your clothing still on, unless of course, you write naked.” - Don Roff

9. “Tatiana is a ridiculously curvy thing of dreams, with smooth succulent thighs, long strawberry blond cascading beneath a teal bandana, and a nympho sparkle in her eyes that says pick me, lick me, spank me, or I punish you. Raw innocence and mayhem at once.” - Brett Tate

10. “Who are you and how did you get in here?" "I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith.” - Leslie Nielsen

11. “You. Me. Exorcist.-Bones” - Jeaniene Frost

12. “I’ve been fighting to be who I am all my life. What’s the point of being who I am, if I can’t have the person who was worth all the fighting for?” - Stephanie Lennox

13. “America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.” - Stephen Colbert

14. “Honestly, Clary, if you don't start utilizing a bit of your natural feminine superiority I just don't know what I'll do with you.” - Cassandra Clare

15. “Gods, I love it when you talk mathy to me.” - Kresley Cole

16. “I hate you' she said to me one afternoon. 'I really, really hate you.' Call me sensitive, but I couldn't help but take it personally.” - David Sedaris

17. “We needed a refrigerator for our new place and I've never bought a refrigerator my whole life. I went into the appliance store, there's like 900 of 'em lined up, there's a salesman there. What's this guy supposed to say about refrigerators? "Well you got this refrigerator here, This keeps all your food cold for 600...You've got this refrigerator, This keeps all your food cold for 800...Check this out, 1400, keeps all your food cold.” - Brian Regan

18. “That sounds terrific, thought Cary, just you, your comatose wife your shell-shocked son, and your daughter who hates your guts. Not to mention that your two kids may be in love with each other. Yeah, that sounds like a perfect family reunion.” - Cassandra Clare

19. “I'm talking about doing something good for mankind. Imagine how awesome everyone would feel if they knew all that holy stuff was real." -Gregori"Stuff? Four years of giving sermons, and that what I get back? Holy stuff?” - Kerrelyn Sparks

20. “He spun out enough toilet paper to vandalize a house and carefully cleaned the seat.” - Adam Rex

21. “Graham Chapman, co-author of the "Parrot Sketch", is no more. He has ceased to be. Bereft of life, he rests in peace. He's kicked the bucket, hopped the twig, bit the dust, snuffed it, breathed his last, and gone to meet the great Head of Light Entertainment in the sky. And I guess that we're all thinking how sad it is that a man of such talent, of such capability for kindness, of such unusual intelligence, should now so suddenly be spirited away at the age of only forty-eight, before he'd achieved many of the things of which he was capable, and before he'd had enough fun. Well, I feel that I should say: nonsense. Good riddance to him, the freeloading bastard, I hope he fries. And the reason I feel I should say this is he would never forgive me if I didn't, if I threw away this glorious opportunity to shock you all on his behalf. Anything for him but mindless good taste. (He paused, then claimed that Chapman had whipered in his ear while he was writing the speech):All right, Cleese. You say you're very proud of being the very first person ever to say 'shit' on British television. If this service is really for me, just for starters, I want you to become the first person ever at a British memorial service to say 'fuck'.” - John Cleese

22. “I believe in evolution in the sense that a short-tempered man is the successor of a crybaby.” - Criss Jami

23. “You humans, always eating. I'll make you soup. You can eat it while you keep working." Myrnin set aside his book and walked into the back of the lab."Don't use the same beaker you used for poisons!" Claire yelled after him. He waved a pale hand. "I mean it!” - Rachel Caine

24. “He started to touch the mechanism under the keyboard, then pulled his hand back with a snap."Ah," he said. "Must deactivate the security....Turn around, please.""What?""Turn around, Claire. It's a secure password!""You have GOT to be kidding.""Why ever would I joke about that? Please turn.” - Rachel Caine

25. “Yeah, I get it; you're a vampire," she said. "Creepy. And okay, a little hot, I admit." "You don't mean that." "Come on. I still like you, you know, even if you... crave plasma." Michael blinked and looked at her as if he had never seen her before."You what?""Like. You." Eve enunciated slowly, as if Michael might not know the words. "Idiot. I always have. What, you didn't know?" Eve sounded cool and grown-up about it, but Claire saw the hectic color in her cheeks, under the makeup. "How clueless are you? Does it come with the fangs?" "I guess I... I just thought... Hell. I just didn't think... You're kind of intimidating, you know." "I'm intimidating? Me? I run like a rabbit from trouble, mostly," Eve said."It's all show and makeup. You're the one who's intimidating. I mean, come on. All that talent, and you look... Well, you know how you look." " How do I look?" He sounded fascinated now, and he'd actually moved a little closer to Eve on the couch. She laughed. "Oh come on. You're a total model-babe." "You're kidding.""You don't think you are?"He shook his head. "Then you're kind of an idiot, Glass. Smart, but and idiot." Eve crossed her arms.“So? What exactly do you think about me, except that I’m intimidating?”“I think you’re…you’re…ah, interesting?” Michael was amazingly bad at this, Claire thought, but then he saved it by looking away and continuing. “I think you’re beautiful. And really, really strange.”Eve smiled and looked down, and that looked like a real blush, under the rice powder. “Thanks for that, “ she said, “I never thought you knew I existed, or if you did, that you thought I was anything but Shane’s bratty freak friend.”“Well, to be fair, you are Shane’s bratty freak friend.”“Hey!”“You can be bratty and beautiful,” Michael said. “I think it’s interesting.” - Rachel Caine

26. “I’m faster than the rest of you, if .. Because I’m a vampire,” Michael said, and it was some kind of breakthrough for him to say that. “If you get in trouble, I’ll be there.”“Nice,” Shane said. “I’m warming up to this bloodsucking thing, Mikey.”“No, you’re not.”“Okay, no, I’m not, but right now let’s pretend I am.” - Rachel Caine

27. “Oh God, Oh God we’re all gonna die doesn’t really fit the definition of banter, now does it?” - Lilith Saintcrow

28. “Adrian, I'm on a date. Why are you here? On my car?” - Richelle Mead

29. “Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got?” - Bill Maher

30. “Keep up," said an irritable voice in her ear. It was Jace, who had dropped back to walk beside her. "I don't want to have to keep looking behind me to make sure nothing's happened to you.""So don't bother.""Last time I left you alone, a demon attacked you," he pointed out. "Well, I'd certainly hate to interrupt your pleasant night stroll with my sudden death."He blinked. "There is a fine line between sarcasm and outright hostility, and you seem to have crossed it.” - Cassandra Clare

31. “The smell of burning firewood and the molding of organic, earthy substances reminded her of jumping wildly into the enormous leaf piles of autumns past and she suddenly wished that it was appropriate for someone her age to do such a thing.” - Abby Slovin

32. “Is he following? Can you have a flaming gay moment or something and check?""Why do I have to be the flaming gay one?” - Finn Marlowe

33. “I’m the sexiest of them all! - Carol” - Matthew Harvel Leeth

34. “What's the matter, fairy boy? Pissed because Chrys rather kiss me?" - Essence (Nymphs of Macedonia Trilogy #1)” - Racheal McGillivary

35. “Y’all might as well come on out,” I said. “I know you’re there. I can smell you.”“Smell me? But I just took a shower this morning!” an indignant voice drifted out of the shadows.There was a loud sound, like someone was getting smacked upside the head. Then another voice let out a low mutter.“Shut up, idiot.” - Jennifer Estep

36. “If you're funny, if there's something that makes you laugh, then every day's going to be okay.” - Tom Hanks

37. “my problem is that my body acts before my brain thinks... it sometimes brings me huge trouble, or also huge success. recently, my body and brain got come to an agreement. it may be far better to live this gambling life than living in boring average ...they at least make my art more interesting” - Hiroko Sakai

38. “Ignorance is not linear, it's exponential.” - Spuds Crawford

39. “Oh," Sally brightened proud of herself for deciphering his sign language, "you're telling me not to leave my room."Costin nodded his big wolf head again. His eyes had begun glowing back in the party and even now they continued to emit an eerie shade of green.Sally's inner Jen had been triggered as soon as she got the words out. So naturally she did what her inner Jen told her to. She stepped forward putting one toe outside her door. Costin growled, so she stepped back. Watching him coyly she put her other toe outside her door and he growled again. She was inwardly scolding herself for taunting him and allowing her inner Jen to control her actions, but she had discovered long ago that sometimes inner Jen is just more fun.When Sally stuck her foot out for the third time, she giggled when Costin snapped at her. She could tell that he was playing by the way his tail wagged and his eyes lightened, but had not stopped glowing all together.” - Quinn Loftis

40. “Could the two people who are making out please be quiet?" the Colonel asked loudly from his sleeping bag. "Those of us who are not making out are drunk and tired.” - John Green

41. “I have the feeling we just made a deal with the devil, and he's going to come back and want our first-born child or something."Daemon waggled his brows. "You want kids? Because you know, practice makes--""Shut up." I shook my head and started walking.” - Jennifer L. Armentrout

42. “Seriously, Jack, I think you might be the only guy in this city who hasn’t read his stuff. Collin McCann is like the Carrie Bradshaw of Chicago men.”“You mean Terry Bradshaw,” Jack corrected.“No, Carrie,” Wilkins repeated. “You know, Sarah Jessica Parker. Sex and the City.”A silence fell over the room as Collin and Jack stared at Wilkins, seriously fearing for the fate of men.” - Julie James

43. “Please, comrade! I just want to chop him up for the stew!''And that's another thing! I'm tired of stew! I want to put him in a crust and bake a light fluffy quiche!''QUICHE?! What kind of food is THAT for a monster to eat?!” - Jeff Smith

44. “He looked just perfect to play Dorian Gray in a film version of Oscar Wilde's novel. Young, graceful, and indecently fresh and handsome, he could easily have worn a badge that said READY FOR DEBAUCHERY!” - Sergei Lukyanenko

45. “Of course it hurts, it’s a spanking. How else would it work?” - Breanna Hayse

46. “His eyebrows pulled in. “You won’t leave me, right? Even when I’m a pain in the ass?”“I vowed in front of God – and Elvis – that I wouldn’t, didn’t I?” - Jamie McGuire

47. “We were at the White House a couple of weeks ago," the man says, "they had a state dinner for Prince Charles and Camilla. Listen, those royals are just the finest people, no pretensions to them whatsoever. You can talk to Prince Charles about anything." Billy nods. There's a silence. Just in time he asks, "What did you talk about?" "Hunting," the man answers.” - Ben Fountain

48. “Why is it beautiful that humanity keeps coming back? So does herpes.” - Isaac Marion

49. “So his flunkies are what, pirates?” - Susie M. Hanley

50. “Yeah, it's a kodak moment. Quick, take a picture.Sarah scoffs. I stick my tongue out at her.” - Annie Brewer

51. “Holy fudge tits.” - Sidney Bristol

52. “I won't consider getting horizontal with someone I can barely tolerate when we're vertical.” - Nora Roberts

53. “But...that doesn't make any sense...!''It does if you're a goat.” - Linda Medley

54. “Innovation Big pain, no shame being same-to-same” - Praveen Kumar

55. “Step one: Invade your opponet's mind. This is just like using mind-speak. Try it on me.""That's easy," I said, casting my mental nets toward Dante, ensnaring his mind, and pushing words into his conscious thought. I'm in your mind, having a look around, and it's awfully empty in here.Wiseacre, Dante returned. Nobody says that anymore. Speaking of which, how old are you in Nephilim years? I'd never thought to ask. I swore fealty during Napoleon's invasion of Italy-my homeland.And that was in what year...? Help me out. I'm not a history buff.Dante smiled. 1796.Wow. You're old.” - Becca Fitzpatrick

56. “I’ve been practicin’ my morgue face for when I have to go identify your body. Wanna see it?” Nick said then he arranged his face in this kind of mock, sad, shocked look and slowly shook his head like a world with vigilante social workersmystified him.” - Kristen Ashley

57. “After a time he fell asleep, and some unsteady fairies had to climb over him on their way home from an orgy.” - J. M. Barrie

58. “Groupies? Did BDSM have groupies?” - Cherise Sinclair

59. “He shrugged. “I have a stomach thing. Don’t get close.”“Well, now you’ve spoiled everything,” I said casually, working hard to fake it. “I was planning to seduce you in the broom closet.” I pointed. “Right there.”A joyless smile appeared on Jamie’s lips. “We are far too screwed-up for a goddamned lovetriangle.”That’s my Jamie.” - Michelle Hodkin

60. “You know,” he says, voice still low.“I have had nothing but trouble since you walked into my life.” “I’d walk straight back out of it if only you’d let me.” - L.H. Cosway