62 Satirical Quotes For Laughs

In a world where seriousness often overshadows humor, satire emerges as a powerful tool to provoke thought while eliciting laughter. It artfully balances wit and wisdom, offering insights that can cut through the noise of daily life. Our carefully curated collection of the top 62 satirical quotes is designed to entertain and enlighten, combining humor with clever commentary on politics, society, and human nature. Whether you are a fan of classic satirists or contemporary voices, these quotes promise to deliver chuckles while offering new perspectives on familiar themes. So, sit back, relax, and prepare to enjoy a delightful journey through the mischievous world of satire.

1. “Welcome to Hell. Here's your accordion.” - Gary Larson

2. “Oh well," McWatt sang, "what the hell.” - Joesph Heller

3. “The universe is a million billion light-years wide, and every inch of it would kill you if you went there. This is the position of the universe with regards to human life.” - Martin Amis

4. “I'm not scared of death, I just don't want to seek it out.” - Tommy Higgins

5. “If they projected the fact that they are dangerous any harder, there would be little puddles of "danger" on the floor around them. Look, it's "danger", don't step in it!” - Mercedes Lackey

6. “The Truth Shall Make Ye Fret. [Fred. Free.]” - Terry Pratchett

7. “Some men are born sodomites, some achieve sodomy, and some have sodomy thrust upon them...” - Aleister Crowley

8. “Were you terrified, Murgatroyd?" Murgatroyd nodded eagerly. "There you go, girl: You're a terrorist. You make me twitchy, and under Article Forty-One of the 2000 Terrorism Bill, that's all I need. Time for some reasonable force, I think.” - China Miéville

9. “Most men are not wicked... They are sleep-walkers, not evil evildoers.” - Franz Kafka

10. “Invisible things are the only realities.” - Edgar Allan Poe

11. “Satire is the antidote to Pollyanna and Dr. Pangloss. It focuses our gaze sharply upon the the contrast between things as they are and as they should be.” - Edgar Johnson

12. “Right now, the economy is a whole lot like a fairly good-looking brain-dead chick in a persistent vegetative coma. You can't really wake her up, but there's things she's still good for.” - Cintra Wilson

13. “If this is the best of possible worlds, what then are the others?” - Voltaire

14. “The people heard it, and approved the doctrine, and immediately practiced the contrary.” - Benjamin Franklin

15. “Ah, Sir, a novel is a mirror carried along a high road. At one moment it reflects to your vision the azure skies, at another the mire of the puddles at your feet. And the man who carries this mirror in his pack will be accused by you of being immoral! His mirror shews the mire, and you blame the mirror! Rather blame that high road upon which the puddle lies, still more the inspector of roads who allows the water to gather and the puddle to form.” - Stendhal

16. “TWO AND TWO MAKES FIVE” - George Orwell

17. “They always loved my sense of humor. There used to be a light switch inside one of the nurseries that was a cutout of Jesus putting his arm around two children on each side of him as he towered above them. The switch was ironically located in the spot of where his penis would have been and I was the first to point this out. Everyone thought it was funny until I started singing the childhood church song “Jesus Loves the Little Children.” In fear of being struck by lightning or being involved in a massive pile-up car accident after leaving, their laughing ceased. I still thought it was funny.” - Chase Brooks

18. “Mishaque was a stouty blend of Irish "shrek" mixed with crazy Jafakain, his front was car dealing.” - Saira Viola

19. “Adrian had always found it amusing that a guy could be drilling Stacia up her ass while she considered herself to be a virgin. Her intent had been to present herself as such when she found "Mr. Right.” - Jess C. Scott

20. “I've always felt I deserved a wider audience, so thank you for reading this.” - Ivana Hruba

21. “Great News! If you quit being cunty the whole world will stop being against you!” - Sarah Silverman

22. “Well-lit streets discourage sin, but don't overdo it.” - William Kennedy

23. “Clever is when one is crafty enough to mistake your imagination for intelligence. Smart is when one assumes they are too educated to notice the difference.” - Kerry E. Wagner

24. “He burst into the house and ate Grandma, an entirely valid course of action for a carnivore such as himself.” - James Finn Garner

25. “The emperor is naked!"The parade stopped. The emperor paused. A hush fell over the crowd, until one quick-thinking peasant shouted:"No, he isn't. The emperor is merely endorsing a clothing-optional lifestyle!” - James Finn Garner

26. “Quis custodiet ipsos custodes? Who will guard the guards?” - Dan Brown

27. “Does it not whet your appetite for the critical opera omnia of such an author, where he will freely have at the lenth and breath of Scripture? Can you not see his promised land flowing with peanut butter and jelly; his apocalypse, in which the great whore of Babylon is given the cup of ginger ale of the fierceness of the wrath of God?” - Robert Farrar Capon

28. “And it's really very difficult to kill someone when all your inner instincts would oblige you to take off your hat first!” - Susan Kay

29. “I like how you call homosexuality an abomination.""I don't say homosexuality's an abomination, Mr. President, the bible does.""Yes it does. Leviticus-""18:22""Chapter in verse. I wanted to ask you a couple questions while I had you here. I'm interested in selling my youngest daughter into slavery as sanctioned in exodus 21:7. She's a Georgetown sophomore, speaks fluent Italian, always cleared the table when it was her turn. What would a good price for her be? While thinking about that can I ask another? My chief of staff, Leo Mcgary,insists on working on the sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly says he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself or is it ok to call the police? Here's one that's really important, cause we've got a lot of sports fans in this town. Touching the skin of a dead pig makes one unclean, Leviticus 11:7. If they promise to wear gloves, can the Washington Red Skins still play football? Can Notre Dame? Can West Point? does the whole town really have to be together to stone my brother John for planting different crops side by side? Can I burn my mother in a small family gathering for wearing garments made from two different threads?” - Aaron Sorkin

30. “This work was strictly voluntary, but any animal who absented himself from it would have his rations reduced by half.” - George Orwell

31. “Never so sure our rapture to createAs when it touch'd the brink of all we hate.” - William Hazlitt

32. “Like vampires and extremely rich people, black folk can sense one another. Use your Spidey Sense (Blacky Sense?). Use your blackdar to inspect the workplace for signs of Other Negroes. They may be working security for the building. They may be in administrative support. They may be among the associate pool, or they may even be in upper management. Black folk can be anywhere. After all, you're here. But one of the biggest mistakes you can make as The Black Employee is to assume you are the only one.” - Baratunde Thurston

33. “More militerry, less skools.” - Shepard Fairey

34. “For you, my darlings, freedom to do what you like is the discovery of how unlikable what you like to do makes you. Not that that stops you doing what you like, since you like doing what you like more than you like liking what you do...[Lucifer]” - Glen Duncan

35. “To be self-contented is to be vile and ignorant, ans that to aspire is better than to be blindly and impoitently happy.” - Edwin Abbott Abbott

36. “Alice is fictional. This isn't.” - Jess C. Scott

37. “F***ing triffids.” - Scott B. Pruden

38. “Uh, excuse me, sir, I, uh, don't known how to uh, to uh, tell you this, but you were three minutes late. The schedule is a little, uh, bit off."He grinned sheepishly."That's ridiculous!" murmured the Ticktockman behind his mask. "Check your watch." And then he went into his office, going mrmee, mrmee, mrmee, mrmee.” - Harlan Ellison

39. “Kara knew je only recognised t and a on a string and he was nothing more than a sleazy pupeeter” - Saira Viola

40. “...they say if you don't vote, you get the government you deserve, and if you do, you never get the results you expected.” - E.A. Bucchianeri

41. “Marriage is the legal method devised to end love without pain.” - Tom Morrison

42. “Our time was most delightfully spent, in mutual Protestations of Freindship, and in vows of unalterable Love, in which we were secure from being interrupted, by intruding and disagreeable Visistors, as Augustus and Sophia had on their first Entrance in the Neighbourhood, taken due care to inform the surrounding Families, that as their happiness centered wholly in themselves, they wished for no other society.” - Jane Austen

43. “When...did it become irrational to dislike religion, any religion, even to dislike it vehemently? When did reason get redescribed as unreason? When were the fairy stories of the superstitious placed above criticism, beyond satire? A religion was not a race. It was an idea, and ideas stood (or fell) because they were strong enough (or too weak) to withstand criticism, not because they were shielded from it. Strong ideas welcomed dissent.” - Salman Rushdie

44. “Quite possibly the only infinite power in the universe may be the human capacity for self-deception.” - Michel Templet

45. “My therapist told me that I over-analyze everything. I explained to him that he only thinks this because of his unhappy relationship with his mother.” - Michel Templet

46. “Jersey Shore has killed more brain cells than alcohol, cocaine, and meth combined.” - Michel Templet

47. “What gets me most about these people, Daddy, isn't how ignorant they are, or how much they drink. It's the way they have of thinking that everything nice in the world is a gift to the poor people from them or their ancestors. The first afternoon I was here, Mrs. Buntline made me come out on the back porch and look at the sunset. So I did, and I said I liked it very much, but she kept waiting for me to say something else. I couldn't think of what I was supposed to say, so I said what seemed like a dumb thing. "Thank you very much," I said. That is exactly what she was waiting for. "You're entirely welcome," she said. I have since thanked her for the ocean, the moon, the stars in the sky, and the United States Constitution.” - Kurt Vonnegut

48. “Maud: Young women are never happy.Betty: Mother, what a thing to say.Maud: Then when they're older they look back and see that comparatively speaking they were ecstatic.” - Caryl Churchill

49. “Poetic justice, with her lifted scale,Where, in nice balance, truth with gold she weighs,And solid pudding against empty praise. Here she beholds the chaos dark and deep,Where nameless somethings in their causes sleep,Till genial Jacob, or a warm third day,Call forth each mass, a poem, or a play:How hints, like spawn, scarce quick in embryo lie,How new-born nonsense first is taught to cry.” - Alexander Pope

50. “He has a very nice face and style, really," said Mrs. Kenwigs."He certainly has," added Miss Petowker. "There's something in his appearance quite--dear, dear, what's the word again?""What word?" inquired Mr. Lillyvick."Why--dear me, how stupid I am!" replied Miss Petowker, hesitating. "What do you call it when lords break off doorknockers, and beat policemen, and play at coaches with other people's money, and all that sort of thing?""Aristocratic?" suggested the collector."Ah! Aristocratic," replied Miss Petowker; "something very aristocratic about him, isn't there?"The gentlemen held their peace, and smiled at each other, as who should say, "Well! there's no accounting for tastes;" but the ladies resolved unanimously that Nicholas had an aristocratic air, and nobody caring to dispute the position, it was established triumphantly.” - Charles Dickens

51. “Oh, I don’t mean to infer that you’re not a great guy. I’m sure you’re the exception to the rule.” - Jaye Frances

52. “Going into the Republican Party National Convention, in all objective truth, our non‑winning front‑runners are the sorriest collection of stuffed shirts, empty suits, self‑gratulatory ignorami, and outright wig‑flipped ding‑dongs in the history of the Republic.” - john barnes

53. “Of course you would, Mitt," Reagan said. "Well, I’m glad we understand each other, and I think your father would be proud of you being in his old spot, and I want you to know that when I’m choosing my Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, your resumé will be on the very top of the pile. It’s been great chatting with you but you know, I have to find a vice presidential candidate, and soon.”“Ha, ha, ha, ah it’s been great chatting with you, too, Mr. President, and—”Reagan cocked his head slightly, smiled, and caught the eye of a minion; a moment later Romney had been deposited outside the door like a discarded room service tray, having barely had time to shift from ha, ha, ha back to ah…ah…” - john barnes

54. “I have one word to say upon the subject of profound writers, who are grown very numerous of late; and I know very well the judicious world is resolved to list me in that number. I conceive therefore, as to the business of being profound, that it is with writers as with wells; a person with good eyes may see to the bottom of the deepest, provided any water be there; and often, when there is nothing in the world at the bottom, besides dryness and dirt, though it be but a yard and half under ground, it shall pass however for wondrous deep, upon no wiser a reason than because it is wondrous dark.” - Jonathan Swift

55. “The Boy will not be a failure. Mythili knows.She has seen the generations before.The boy will make it.As his father has said,he does not have the option of failure.He will crack atleast one entrance exam,and he will one day have a nice house in a suburb of San Francisco,or in a suburb of a suburb of San Francisco.He will find a cute Tamil Brahmin wife and make her produce two sweet children.He will drive a Toyota Corolla to work.And there,in the conference room of his office,he will tell his small team,with his hands stretched wide in a managerial way,'We must think out of the box” - Manu Joseph

56. “Her heart was broken perhaps, but it was a small inexpensive organ of local manufacture. In a wider and grander way she felt things had been simplified.” - Evelyn Waugh

57. “In Russia, drunks are our kindest people. Our kindest people are also the most drunk.” - Fyodor Dostoyevsky

58. “The old joke is that psychiatrists are doctors who can't stand the sight of blood. Maybe they can't stand it, but if they work where I work, they damn well better get used to it.At least surgeons and prizefighters get to wear gloves” - Mike Bartos

59. “Provided that nothing like useful knowledge could be gained from them, provided they were all story and no reflection, she had never any objection to books at all.” - Jane Austen

60. “terrorism n.Violence for political purposes or the politically motivated threat of violence which, either intentionally or unintentionally, challenges the state's monopoly on political violence.” - Leslie Starr O'Hara

61. “Today’s generation didn’t want to watch ancient actors reciting the same tired lines. They wanted to see themselves reflected onscreen –rude, raw, entitled. These kids needed to believe that they themselves were only one daring, controversial act away from being up on that screen themselves. ” - Melissa Jo Peltier

62. “After we deal and heal...NOT A A SHRED OF EVIDENCE EXISTS THAT LIFE IS SERIOUS.....Jan Marshall” - Jan Marshall