65 Humorous Quotes To Enjoy

Laughter truly is the best medicine, and a witty quote can be the perfect prescription for a brighter day. Whether you're looking to add a dash of humor to your social media feed, seeking the perfect joke to lighten a conversation, or simply in need of a good chuckle, you've come to the right place. We've sifted through countless wisecracks and witticisms to bring you the ultimate collection of humorous quotes that promise to tickle your funny bone. So sit back, relax, and enjoy these delightful nuggets of joy guaranteed to put a smile on your face.

1. “I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world.” - Oscar Wilde

2. “I am Midnight(cats stare dumbfounded)” - Erin Hunter

3. “When the watermelons were as large as a child's head, the women boiled them, but they collapsed into a tasteless green mush that no one could eat, not the children, not the cow.” - Annie Proulx

4. “As far as he was concerned, there were only two good positions for a human. A female on her back. And a male facedown not breathing.” - J.R. Ward

5. “I can be a regular bitch. Just try me.” - Stieg Larsson

6. “Andrea: "....I think a dog is a great idea. I just never pictured you with a mutant poodle.” Kate: “He isn’t a poodle. He’s a Doberman mix."Andrea: “Aha. Keep telling yourself that.” - Ilona Andrews

7. “Much slower, I turned around to see Vlad examining his fingernails, as if his hands weren't still ablaze in the flames that had blasted the ghoul's head off moments before.'what the hell was that?' I gasped.'Premature inflammation,' He replied. 'Happens sometimes. Very embarrassing, I don't like to talk about it.' ” - Jeaniene Frost

8. “The tiny space, the toilet, two hundred strangers just a few inches away, it's so exciting, the lack of room to maneuver, it helps if you're double-jointed. Use your imagination. Some creativity and a few simple stretching exercises and you can be knock, knock, knockin' on heaven's door. You'll be amazed how time flies.” - Chuck Palahniuk

9. “When does he ever think?" Richard straddled a chair and accepted a wind cup from Raoul. "If he were to sell his brain, he could claim it had never been used.", Chapter 7” - Sharon Kay Penman

10. “Which just goes to show, I guess, that dinner parties are like everything else - not as fragile as we think they are.” - Julie Powell

11. “The nursery rhyme ends when a spider comes along and frightens Miss Muffet straight off her tuffet. I have wondered about what kind of lesson this is for a young girl. If you're eating your curds and whey and a spider comes along, I don't think there's anything wrong with picking up a newspaper, smashing it, and going back to your breakfast.” - Sloane Crosley

12. “The thing I hate about an argument is that it always interrupts a discussion.” - G.K. Chesterton

13. “One afternoon, when I was four years old, my father came home, and he found me in the living room in front of a roaring fire, which made him very angry. Because we didn't have a fireplace.” - Victor Borge

14. “She batted thoseeyelashes at me so hard I thought I felt a breeze.” - Maddie Dawson

15. “There is, after all, no pleasure like that given by a woman who really wants to see you.” - Anthony Powell

16. “Let me guess," Brynn said from across the room. "Another brother, right?"Keegan glanced at Brynn, who was staring at Ronin with an expression of disbelief. He switched back to English. "This is our younger brother, Ronin.""Of course he is." Brynn let out an incredulous chuckle. "Did they specifically breed you guys in a lab or something?"He exchanged a confused look with Ronin. What did that mean?Bryn must have caught the look, because she explained, "Since you're all so hot, I mean.” - Rosalie Lario

17. “It was not that he was feckless, more that he had simply not been around the day they handed out feck.” - Neil Gaiman

18. “People who didn't need people needed people around to know that they were the kind of people who didn't need people.” - Terry Pratchett

19. “(About sweeping)....What he was in FACT doing was moving the dirt around with a broom, to give it a change of scenery and a chance to make new friends.” - Terry Pratchett

20. “-Oh yes? Can you identify yourself?-Certainly. I'd know me anywhere.” - Terry Pratchett

21. “Slap-stick comedy is really funny, unless you're the one getting slapped with the stick.” - Carroll Bryant

22. “Luck is the bastard child of Fate and Destiny.” - Carroll Bryant

23. “My best days are Monday through Friday, and Saturday and Sunday." "Ian," Wesley noted, "that covers the whole week." Ian nods his head. "Pretty much.” - Carroll Bryant

24. “Borman's dumping urine. Urine [in] approximately one minute." Two lines further along, we see Lovell saying, "What a sight to behold!” - Mary Roach

25. “Kiss my ass Rath Roiben Rye” - Holly Black

26. “I find it rude to laugh at a man with a sword.” - Derek Landy

27. “Graham Chapman, co-author of the "Parrot Sketch", is no more. He has ceased to be. Bereft of life, he rests in peace. He's kicked the bucket, hopped the twig, bit the dust, snuffed it, breathed his last, and gone to meet the great Head of Light Entertainment in the sky. And I guess that we're all thinking how sad it is that a man of such talent, of such capability for kindness, of such unusual intelligence, should now so suddenly be spirited away at the age of only forty-eight, before he'd achieved many of the things of which he was capable, and before he'd had enough fun. Well, I feel that I should say: nonsense. Good riddance to him, the freeloading bastard, I hope he fries. And the reason I feel I should say this is he would never forgive me if I didn't, if I threw away this glorious opportunity to shock you all on his behalf. Anything for him but mindless good taste. (He paused, then claimed that Chapman had whipered in his ear while he was writing the speech):All right, Cleese. You say you're very proud of being the very first person ever to say 'shit' on British television. If this service is really for me, just for starters, I want you to become the first person ever at a British memorial service to say 'fuck'.” - John Cleese

28. “I jerk around and see Sister Dora, a portly woman who's the head cook in the kitchen, staring daggers at me. This is nothing new. She stares daggers at everyone who walks through the lunch line holding a tray, as though our needing sustenance is a personal affront.” - Pittacus Lore

29. “Writers cleave together like a demonic AA group - we are singularly able to dance with each other's devils...” - jd young

30. “It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.” - Jill Shalvis

31. “Thanks,” I muttered and added under my breath, “Douchebag.”He laughed, deep and throaty. “Now that’s not very ladylike, Kittycat.”I whipped around. “Don’t ever call me that,” I snapped.“It’s better than calling someone a douchebag, isn’t it?” He pushed out the door. “This has been a stimulating visit. I’ll cherish it for a long time to come.”Okay. That was it. “You know, you’re right. How wrong of me to call you a douchebag. Because a douchebag is too nice of a word for you,” I said, smiling sweetly. “You’re a dickhead.”“A dickhead?” he repeated. “How charming.”I flipped him off.” - Jennifer L. Armentrout

32. “This has always bothered me. If "Change" is the only constant how can we have absolutes?” - Stanley Victor Paskavich

33. “My medication must be wearing off I'm starting to think my jokes are funny.” - Stanley Victor Paskavich

34. “I just tripped over a pair of shoes and almost fell down and broke my neck and no I wasn't wearing them.” - Stanley Victor Paskavich

35. “I was out of salt so I threw pepper over my left shoulder for luck and the poor guy behind me almost sneezed himself to death.” - Stanley Victor Paskavich

36. “Smoking will probably kill me, but so will natural selection.” - Carroll Bryant

37. “Here she was, being rescued by a socialist, feminist, lesbian, baby-killing, foreign terrorist. What would the ladies in the sewing circle say to that?” - Hillary Jordan

38. “As far as the Council is concerned, the U.S. Wardens are a bunch of mushrooms.""Eh?""Kept in the dark and fed on bullshit.” - Jim Butcher

39. “I bet that dog-walking trollop called the cops on us.” - Laura Goode

40. “Cayl replies...I understand the human reproductive system, Agent Denning; I’m here to capture a killer, not indulge in these intrusive human senses.” - Tielle St. Clare

41. “Cross.” His head popped up a few shelves over. “What?” “Check out the magic crap.” He shot me a look. “Oh, is that what we’re supposed to be doing? Because I’ve just been drawing hearts and our initials in the dirt.” Sophie + Archer” - Rachel Hawkins

42. “He said that it was very difficult to become an astronaut. I said that I knew. You had to become an officer in the air force and you had to take lots of orders and be prepared to kill other human beings, and I couldn't take orders. Also I didn't have 20/20 vision, which you needed to be a pilot.” - Mark Haddon

43. “Damn, Marcus, how much have you been working out? You have the ass of a god.He turned to face her, and naturally her gaze fell to his jewels. She shook her head and sighed. You warriors are so fucking hung and I really do need a man.” - Caris Roane

44. “He pulled out a dagger from ... she wasn't sure where. Did he have that in his loin cloth? What else does he have in there? (Amy's thoughts, The Witching Pen)” - Dianna Hardy

45. “If only, I thought, I could talk to Eugene just one more time. This was before I came to understand that you cannot make someone fall in love with you But here's what you can do. By arguing and pleading and screaming and crying and throwing plates and phoning a lot and bringing hot food and sending flowers and buying gifts and doing unsolicited favors and remembering a birthday and being nice and declaring your abiding love and trying hard or sometimes merely by being present, you can make someone who was hitherto lukewarm really detest you.” - Patricia Marx

46. “Jessamine blew out her cheeks in exasperation. "I think you ought to let me take poor Tessa into town to get some new clothes. Otherwise, the first time she takes a deep breath, that dress will fall right off her."Will looked interested. "I think she should try that out right now and see what happens.” - Cassandra Clare

47. “Why in the name of God do you wear these ugly ass granny panties? I swear it looks like you could parachute from the Dallas Lincoln Plaza with these and have a nice soft landing! Why don’t you get on the internet and apply your online shopping skills while purchasing some panties that do not look like they came from your Grans drawer?” - Kathryn Vance-Perez

48. “Zane wondered if Ty was a mama‟s boy. He tipped his head to the side, watching them as he picked out a piece of warm bread, and thought maybe so. Not that he would ever voice that opinion to Ty until he was good and ready to die.” - Madeleine Urban & Abigail Roux

49. “She's realized the real problem with stories -- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death.” - Neil Gaiman

50. “If the mattress stains were anything to go by, a previous user had not so much suffered from incontinence as rejoiced in it.” - Bill Bryson

51. “Kalina remained paralyzed in her seat. “Oh, crap. Aaron was a vampire.” She straightened up. Remain calm, Kalina. Breathe. “You're not going to eat me, are you?”“No,” said Stuart. “Not all vampires feed on humans. I choose not to. I drink Vampire Wine.”“Vampire Wine.” Kalina put the pieces together. “Jaegar...I thought he was kidding...”“And Aaron drank Vampire Wine, too. To avoid succumbing to temptation. To avoid drinking blood whenever he got too...excited....”Kalina's eyes widened. “So you mean...”“Vampire Wine wasn't the problem, Kalina. It was the only solution.” - Kailin Gow

52. “I am (thank God!) constitutionally superior to reason.” - Wilkie Collins

53. “He was rather a low sort of pony. The fact is, he had been originally jobbed out by the day, and he never quite got over his old habits. He was clever in melodrama too, but too broad--too broad. When the mother died, he took the port-wine business.''The port-wine business!' cried Nicholas.'Drinking port-wine with the clown,' said the manager; 'but he was greedy, and one night bit off the bowl of the glass, and choked himself, so his vulgarity was the death of him at last.” - Charles Dickens

54. “The joke was that President Bush only declared war when Starbucks was hit. You can mess with the U.N. all you want, but when you start interfering with the right to get caffeinated, someone has to pay.” - Chris Kyle

55. “If a book falls in the woods and nobody read it, was it ever written?” - Neil Leckman

56. “You could have heard a bee fluff” - S.W. Lothian

57. “[To my enemy:] Some are great, some are born great, some have greatness thrust upon them! And then there's you.” - Reginald Dipwipple

58. “...the concept of marketing is almost as old as humanity itself...suffice it to say here that it took almost no time for a wily serpent to sell Adam and Eve on a shiny apple from the Tree of Knowledge, at which point they became not only the first humans but also the first marketing demographic, and God expelled them from the Garden of Eden for being total consumerist dupes. (p. 40)” - BikeSnobNYC

59. “The ark was like a portable computer hard drive and Noah was a one-man Geek Squad, and he dumped God's most important files onto it before he zorched the virus-ridden computer that was the world.” - BikeSnobNYC

60. “For it was intelligence that was the thin line between endearing rapscallion and idiot bastard. - Éibhear the Contemptible” - G.A. Aiken

61. “The first of ‘Goose’s Two Laws of Survival.’ It runs thus, ‘The weak are meat the strong do eat.’ ” ... Henry grinned in the dark & cleared his throat. “The second law of survival states that there is no second law. Eat or be eaten. That’s it.” - David Mitchell

62. “I didn't do anything wrong. I swear.'He grunted. 'Like I've never heard that before. Funny, but I expected a little more originality from Moira's daughter.''Yeah, well, the dog ate my notebook with all my good excuses.” - Mindee Arnett

63. “What do you call a rifle with three barrels?A trifle.” - Joseph Rosenbloom

64. “People don't tend to employ me. I'm the wrong personality type. Or rather, people do tend to employ me for a short time and then they sack me. A film broker once told me, as she terminated my contract, that I have a misleading sort of face. "You're pretty", she complained. "Your features are symmetrical and there was an article in Grazia that says human beings are programmed to find those with symmetrical features more pleasing to they eye. So this isn't my fault, I was simply responding to a biological imperative. You've even teeth, so when you smile, you look...sweet, I suppose. But you're not, are you?""I hope not," I said."You see, there you go again. You're a smart-arse and you've no ability to filter your thoughts---""And my thoughts are often abrasive.""Exactly.""I'll just get my brushes and sponges and leave.""If you would.” - Marian Keyes

65. “Tyson dropped the two warriors he was about to tie into a knot and jogged after us. He jumped on the centaur's back. 'Dude!' the centaur groaned, almost buckling under Tyson's weight. 'Do the words "low-carb diet" mean anything to you?” - Rick Riordan