73 Humorous Quotes To Enjoy

In a world that often feels all too serious, a good laugh can be one of the simplest yet most effective remedies. Humor has a universal charm, capable of bringing people together and brightening even the dullest of days. Whether you're navigating a rough patch, seeking a mood boost, or just in need of a hearty chuckle, humorous quotes have a unique way of lifting spirits and offering fresh perspectives. We've compiled a delightful assortment of 73 witty and humorous quotes, each one perfect for providing a quick escape from the daily grind and adding a splash of joy to your day. So sit back, relax, and get ready to embrace the lighter side of life!

1. “On Decoration Day, while everyone else in town was at the cemetery decorating the graves of our Glorious War Dead, Willie Beaner and me, Robert Burns Hewitt, took Mabel Cramm's bloomers and run them up the flagpole in front of the town hall. That was the beginning of all my troubles.” - Katherine Paterson

2. “I was behaving, just like I promised, but fate intervened.” - Katherine Paterson

3. “On the morning in question, she wore white shorts and a pink T-shirt that featured a green dragon breathing a fire of orange glitter. It is difficult to explain how awesome I found this T-shirt at the time.” - John Green

4. “Be generous with your smile and try not to frown.And you will see my children; your smile will never let you down ☺” - Benny Bellamacina

5. “The one that sang, old Janine, was always whispering into the g***** microphone before she sang. She'd say, 'And now we like to geeve you our impression of Vooly Voo Fransay. Eet ees the story of leetle Fransh girl who comes to a beeg ceety, just like New York, and falls een love wees a leetle boy from Brookleen. We hope you like eet.' Then, when she was all done whispering and being cute as hell, she'd sing some dopey song, half in English and half in French, and drive all the phonies in the place mad with joy.” - J.D. Salinger

6. “I should think this a gull, but that the white-bearded fellow speaks it; knavery cannot, sure, hide himself in such reverence.” - William Shakespeare

7. “In the middle of the night I am awakened by a sound. I sit up abruptly in bed. I hear it again. It's music. Wait, it sounds like the ice cream man, in our house. Is this some kind of twisted nightmare? The flipping ice cream man, breaking in to chop us all up in our beds to the tune of 'Zippity Do Dah'?... My heart slows. I remember. There is no psycho ice cream man here. It is just our new musical soap dispenser...” - Deb Caletti

8. “A mere redrawing of borders, a change in governments, those things can never faze a Jewess with a good supply of hand wipes in her bag.” - Michael Chabon

9. “And now Kit’s cock—which had mostly been used for taking a leak before that moment—woke up and screamed I WANT! FEED ME ASSHOLE! And Kit had given it a good handshake until it threw up.” - Amy Lane

10. “...he spent whole days and nights over his books; and thus with little sleeping and much reading his brains dried up to such a degree that he lost the use of his reason.” - Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra

11. “Much slower, I turned around to see Vlad examining his fingernails, as if his hands weren't still ablaze in the flames that had blasted the ghoul's head off moments before.'what the hell was that?' I gasped.'Premature inflammation,' He replied. 'Happens sometimes. Very embarrassing, I don't like to talk about it.' ” - Jeaniene Frost

12. “I doubt you’ve ever been forced to nonstop bang a woman hyped up on the undead voodoo version of Spanish fly, have you?”His chuckle was soft. “Can’t say that I have, Kitten.”“Yeah, well, consider me an original.”This time, when his lips brushed across my skin, it lasted more than a moment.“I always have.” - Jeaniene Frost

13. “Now, tomorrow Miss Laurie McCrae and me, we have an appointment with a sky pilot who will make it proper for us to travel in double harness.” - Louis L'Amour

14. “Billy squinted at me. "Why are you letting them go?""Because they're real.""How do you know?""The one I was holding crapped on my hand.” - Jim Butcher

15. “Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I decided I wanted to start cleaning out my liver WHILE I was having a cocktail.” - Chelsea Handler

16. “Mister Rob Anybody and sundry others?" said one of the figures in a dreadful voice."There's naebody here o' that name!" shouted Rob Anybody. "We dinna know anythin'!""We have here a list of criminal and civil charges totaling nineteen thousand, seven hundred and sixty-three separate offenses-""We wasna there!" yelled Rob Anybody desperately. "Isn't that right, lads?""-including more than two thousand cases of Making an Affray, Causing a Public Nuisance, Being Found Drunk, Being Found Very Drunk, Using Offensive Language (taking into account ninety-seven cases of Using Language That Was Probably Offensive If Anyone Else Could Understand It), Committing a Breach of the Peace, Malicious Lingering-""It's mistaken identity!" shouted Rob Anybody. "It's no' oour fault! We wuz only standing there an' someone else did it and ran awa'!""-Grand Theft, Petty Theft, Burglary, Housebreaking, Loitering with Intent to Commit a Felony-""We wuz misunderstood when we was wee bairns!" yelled Rob Anybody. "Ye're only picking on us 'cause we're blue! We always get blamed for everythin'! The polis hate us! We wasna even in the country!” - Terry Pratchett

17. “You are only limited by your own imagination” - Benny Bellamacina

18. “I'm going to do something bigger and better,bigger and betterand bolder, but first,I'm going to do somethingsmaller and worse.” - JonArno Lawson

19. “I normally don't do requests. Unless, of course, I have been asked to do so.” - Victor Borge

20. “There's something to be said about drinking a carafe of wine by yourself ... I just can't remember at the moment what it is! (said after drinking a carafe of wine by himself)” - Gerard de Marigny

21. “Don't that make your bosom plim?” - Thomas Hardy

22. “Elvis!" Min shoved herself off the couch to shoo him away. "Stay away from there. There's broken glass.""He did that on purpose," David said, outraged."Yes, David, the cat is plotting against you." Min fished the base out of the water and glass shards and put it on the table. Then she went to get her wastebasket and began to put the glass pieces in it.” - Jennifer Crusie

23. “Does the work get easier once you know what you are doing?""Your lungs grow thick with stone dust and your eyes bleary from the sun and fragments thrown up by the chisel. You pour your lifeblood out into works of stone for Romans who will take your money in taxes to feed soldiers who will nail your people to crosses for wanting to be free. Your back breaks, your bones creak, your wife screeches at you, and your children torment you with open begging mouths, like greedy baby birds in the nest. You go to bed every night so tired and beaten that you pray to the Lord to send the angel of death to take you in your sleep so you don't have to face another morning. It also has its downside.” - Christopher Moore

24. “What would you tell her about me?”He did not just ask that.“You did not just ask that.” She chuckled.“I’m serious,” he smiled.“Very well, if you must know, I would say that you are arrogant and foolish, too handsome for your own good and far too cognizant of your own intellect. Unbending, unsympathetic, dogmatic, pig-headed—”“Handsome?” he interrupted, unable to keep the smile from his face. “And intelligent?”“Don’t forget arrogant.” - Leigh LaValle

25. “It seems - and who so astonished as they? - that they had held back material facts; that they were guilty of both suppressio veri and suggestio falsi (well-known gods against whom they often offended); further, that they were malignant in their dispositions, untrustworthy in their characters, pernicious and revolutionary in their influences, abandoned to the devils of wilfulness, pride, and a most intolerable conceit. Ninthly, and lastly, they were to have a care and to be very careful.” - Rudyard Kipling

26. “Poisons are more my thing” - Kate Morton

27. “Never do anything that you don’t want to have to explain to 9-1-1 personnel.” - Jill Shalvis

28. “Stupid deer," I said, embarrassed about being startled. "We need a ladder.""I think they're easier to shoot with a rifle.""I'm not talking about the deer," I said, hitting Milo on the back of his shoulder. "We need a ladder to look over the wall.""Or a catapult," Milo said seriously.” - Obert Skye

29. “My secret world of bosom sculpting is crashing down around me. I’m destined for bra-stuffing rehab in a distant boobicus minimus land. I just know it.” - Amy Holder

30. “I tried to explain as much as I could," Poppet says. "I think I made an analogy about cake.""Well, that must have worked," Widget says. "Who doesn't like a good cake analogy?” - Erin Morgenstern

31. “From the bow of the canoe she asked, "Do you know a rain dance?""First I need a virgin.” - Carl Hiaasen

32. “By the time he was done with the deer it had been dark three hours and his bad leg was singing 'Ave Maria'.” - Stephen King

33. “[Like they say,] small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.” - Dave Courtney

34. “Elsa's joke Where do baby apes sleep? In apricots!” - Jacqueline Wilson

35. “I like to think I'm helping them by hating them. I'm reminding them that they aren't God's gift to humankind.” - Veronica Roth

36. “I have a theory about pink pastry boxes. So much joy comes from those boxes. When someone walks into a room with a pink pastry box, joy immediately fills the room. World peace? Three words. Pink pastry box. I get a big cup of coffee and finalize my plans for world domination.” - Liza Palmer

37. “Oh, you know what bloggers are like, they write and write and write. I don't know why, because they're not being paid.” - Jon Ronson

38. “Well, Ben says you have to be married to get a girl pregnant. And me and Cindy are not married, so she couldn't get pregnant, see?” - Scylar Tyberius

39. “Being here? With you? I've met my subconscious, and he's not that sick.” - Jim Butcher

40. “You’ll be dethroned faster than a coke snorting beauty queen.” - Eric Luper

41. “Красивая и неприятно замужняя” - Слава Сэ

42. “Okay, boys.” Pestilence's grating voice rang out. “Kill the human and the mutt, and let's get this Apocalypse started!” - Larissa Ione

43. “Darcy rolled the quill between his fingers and looked with benign pity upon his cousin. “You should, you know. It’s a wonderful feeling to be the head of your home, with a wife who adores you and whom you adore in return.”Fitzwilliam whipped out his pocket watch. “Oh, look at that. I have to run."Ignoring him, Darcy turned his face to the fire, a besotted look in his eyes and a smile on his lips. “It’s a good feeling to care for your family and their well-being. It makes you finally grow up, I can tell you.” He sighed deeply and began attacking his figures once more, his mind filled with unlimited love and joy, thinking on his upcoming paternal responsibilities. “I myself find women to be unbelievably wonderful creations.”“I suppose you will continue with this treacle even as I beg you to stop.”“Well, think about it…” Darcy continued, looking up from his work.Fitzwilliam groaned.“They give back to you double and triple whatever little you hand them.”“I think I’m going to be ill, Darcy. Please stop.”“You hand them disparate items of food, and they give you back a wonderful meal. You provide them with four walls and a floor, and they give you back a loving home. You give them your seed,” Darcy’s eyes misted, his voice choked with emotion. “You give them your seed, and they give you back the most precious thing of all—a child…” They sat in silence together.“And God help you if you give them shit.” Fitzwilliam was calmly packing tobacco into his pipe, and his eyes met Darcy’s for a moment. Understanding flashed between them.“Amen to that, Cousin.” Darcy crashed down to earth, quickly resuming his work” - Karen V. Wasylowski

44. “Smiling always seems to annoy people more than actually insulting them. Or maybe I just have an annoying smile.” - Jim Butcher

45. “Was it fate? Was it destiny?""I think it was Alan Blunt.” - Anthony Horowitz

46. “Oh, how I regret not having worn a bikini for the entire year I was twenty-six. If anyone young is reading this, go, right this minute, put on a bikini, and don't take it off until you're thirty-four.” - Nora Ephron

47. “One of the classier features of this home was the padded toilet seat. It was high-mileage puffy brown vinyl-colored foam and made that weird sigh when you sat down on it. I'm not a germaphobe or anything like that, but it is weird to think about all the ass time this seat had seen before we moved in. This is a horrible invention. What's the plan? You want to create a toilet seat so comfortable that you can fall asleep while you're taking a shit? You're going to show up late for work or end up like Elvis.” - Adam Carolla

48. “How come I have too many things to do all the time...??” - Hiroko Sakai

49. “When life gives you lemons, put your lipstick on!” - Dana Page

50. “نصحته النصيحة الوحيدة الممكنة: تزوج.. لن تجهد بعد هذا في تذكر أين أمضيت ليلتك لأن زوجتك ستعرف.. لن تتساءل عن سبب تعاستك لأن زوجتك ستعرف.. الخلاصة أن كل مشاكلك المعنوية البلهاء ستتحول إلى كوارث مادية محترمة.. تذكر كيف كانوا قديما يعالجون مرضى الفصام بحقنهم بجراثيم الملاريا!” - أحمد خالد توفيق

51. “If the mattress stains were anything to go by, a previous user had not so much suffered from incontinence as rejoiced in it.” - Bill Bryson

52. “you don't know until you know!” - Ruth Lizana-Jackson

53. “Your ma's dating?" Tim looks shocked. "I thought she pretty much confined herself to a vibrator and the shower nozzle since your dad screwed her over.” - Huntley Fitzpatrick

54. “Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising.” - Mark Twain

55. “Aw, come on, admit it—you feel like Cinderella, don’t you?” “No, Darren, I don’t. And do you know why?” “No, sugar, you tell me why.” “Because I’m a man. I’ve got a big fat one and I like to fuck other guys.” Darren was laughing over the phone now, and it made Reece grin. “And Ben isn’t a prince, he’s a cop. A big, sexy cop who fucks like a machine. He’s a man. I’m a man. We’re men.” He nodded sharply. “Now fuck off. I’m arranging flowers.” - L.A. Gilbert

56. “Spider or gum? Spider or gum? I thought quickly trying to come up with a believable excuse when I blurted out, “I swallowed a spider!” What? I swallowed a spider? What the hell is wrong with me?!” - Melissa Aragon

57. “The Deliverator's car has enough potential energy packed into its batteries to fire a pound of bacon into the Asteroid Belt. Unlike a bimbo box or a Burb beater, the Deliverator's car unloads that power through gaping, gleaming, polished, sphincters. When the Deliverator puts the hammer down, shit happens.” - Neal Stephenson

58. “...Anand, look at the back of my hands. No hair. The sign of an advanced race, boy. And look at yours. No hair either. But you never know. With some of your mother's bad blood flowing in your veins you could wake up one morning and find yourself hairy like a monkey” - V. S. Naipaul

59. “I have a constant hungry bum. It's like my own venus fly trap” - Monica Merrill Mylet

60. “I'd spent five minutes looking at Twitter once and felt I'd wandered into a poker game where everyone immediately displayed their hands against the cool green of the felt.” - Jeff Abbott

61. “Where would Jesus be if no one ever wrote the gospels?” - Chuck Palahniuk

62. “ELVIS & MARILYN:The deader they get -the more money they make.” - Chocolate Waters

63. “[To my enemy:] Some are great, some are born great, some have greatness thrust upon them! And then there's you.” - Reginald Dipwipple

64. “My mouth was dry. Whispers carried on the wind as the maids around me bunched together in small groups, hysterical, morbid. I thought: who will clean the mess?” - A.E. Croft

65. “I'm going to use them to track him down and thwart him." "Thwart?" Sarissa asked."Thwart." I said. "To prevent someone from accomplishing something by means of visiting gratuitous violence upon his smarmy person.""I'm pretty sure that isn't the definition," Sarissa said."It is today.” - Jim Butcher

66. “What do you call a rifle with three barrels?A trifle.” - Joseph Rosenbloom

67. “Jim: I want you to search every place in this hotel where a crate of dynamite could possibly be stored.Artie: Right. And if I find it?Jim: I'll arrange for someone to pour cold water over your face to revive you.Wild Wild West (TV) Season 2Night of the Infernal Machine” - Wild Wild West TV

68. “Meaning 'by way of the anus'. 'Per Annum', with two n's, means 'yearly'. The correct answer to the question, 'What is the birthrate per anum?' is zero (one hopes).” - Mary Roach

69. “I nod and smile and smile and nod, and when she turns away, I form a gun with my hand, place it to my temple, and pull the trigger. This girl is starved for attention. It's amazing to me when people are totally unaware of how bad they are at socializing.” - Victoria Scott

70. “I need you to get inside Wayne's head. I need someone who thinks a bit left field and in your own unpleasant way, Helen Walsh, you're a genius.He had a point. I'm lazy and illogical. I've limited people skills. I'm easily bored and easily irritated. But I have moments of brilliance. They come and they go and I can't depend on them but they do happen.” - Marian Keyes

71. “... Kenny G is extremely talented and resourceful and a powerful force to be reckoned with ... Mr. G might not seem evil, but I fear him more than any other human being.” - Matthew Quick

72. “Tyson dropped the two warriors he was about to tie into a knot and jogged after us. He jumped on the centaur's back. 'Dude!' the centaur groaned, almost buckling under Tyson's weight. 'Do the words "low-carb diet" mean anything to you?” - Rick Riordan

73. “Jim Rosato was recently married, to a Greek nurse. Rosato was half Irish and half Italian, and there was a pool on at the 1st as to which of the two would arrive at work wearing the other's skin as a hat within the year.” - Warren Ellis