74 Humorous And Witty Quotes

Who doesn't love a good laugh? Humor can be the perfect antidote to stress, a delightful escape from the mundane, or simply a way to make a good day even better. That’s why we’ve put together a special collection of the top 74 humorous and witty quotes just for you. Whether you're in need of a quick chuckle, some clever sarcasm, or a bit of light-hearted wisdom, these quotes are sure to put a smile on your face and perhaps even leave you thinking. Ready for some wit and whimsy? Let's dive in!

1. “I'm an American, our names don't mean shit.” - Quentin Tarantino

2. “Blast ignorant people with high-powered streams of information and wisdom, but only when fire hoses are not readily available.” - Cassandra Duffy

3. “Somebody has to be sane during regular business hours, and it's not going to be me, missy.” - Darynda Jones

4. “Carrie Fay always says that nothing is really horrible unless it eats away your face.” - Katie MacAlister

5. “I'm half good and I'm half bad. My mama is a very good girl and my daddy is a very bad boy. And I guess that leaves me somewhere sort of...here.” - C. JoyBell C.

6. “The truckers are staring," I said after a few seconds.It was true. They were. The whole row of them was doing a bad job of pretending not to look at us. "We just got engaged," Lucy shouted over to them. "I just asked this man to be my wife."The men at the counter traded confused looks. I burst out laughing. "We're glad you and your ass cracks could share this moment with us," she went on. "Seriously. We really are. Those are serious cracks and this is a serious moment.” - Nick Burd

7. “Wow,” says Peter, “when your guidance counselor tells you to die, you really have problems.” - Adam Selzer

8. “Love is as we will it to be." ~ Amunhotep El Bey” - Amunhotep El Bey

9. “Only love will attract love.”~ Amunhotep El Bey” - Amunhotep El Bey

10. “In my book an erection constitutes personal growth.” - Amunhotep El Bey

11. “Don't eat earwax avoid roasted cabbage and look on the bright side of life -Angela” - Christopher Paolini

12. “This guy had more lines than loose-leaf.” - Cara Lynn Shultz

13. “Well, a man has to have his limits somewhere, and being shoved into a hole in the wall is mine.” - Sara Jo Easton

14. “Teela turned to Severn. "I'm having trouble remembering why I haven't strangled her yet."Severn shrugged. "I have that problem myself some days. At the moment, though, the only betting pool in the office seems to be on the Sergeant.""Ha-ha." Kaylin said with a distinct lack of cheer. And then, because she was a fiefling, "What odds?" He cuffed the top of her head.” - Michelle Sagara West

15. “Generally speaking, I try not to generalize.” - Addison C. Arthur

16. “If the pen is mightier than the sword, then what is the laptop? A light saber or a life saver?” - K S Collier

17. “Smoking will probably kill me, but so will natural selection.” - Carroll Bryant

18. “Pardon me Mam,I'm new in town, could you please show me the way to your house?” - Frank Calvin Mann

19. “What do you want?""Spain""Fuck!” - Christopher Moore

20. “Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself. (T-Shirt)” - Darynda Jones

21. “Intelligence is being intelligent enough to know you're not so intelligent as you intelligently once thought.” - Carroll Bryant

22. “If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is NOT for you. (BUMPER STICKER)” - Darynda Jones

23. “Some people make things happen. Some people watch things happen. And then there are those who wonder, 'What the hell just happened?” - Carroll Bryant

24. “I believe in love. Unfortunately, it doesn't believe me. Lust, on the other hand, is a nagging wife poking constantly at my DNA.” - Carroll Bryant

25. “If laughter is the best medicine, let's OD together.” - Michael P. Clutton

26. “Have you hugged your favorite Dork lately? Most of us are squeezably soft and adorable.” - Michael P. Clutton

27. “This dudes nuttier than squirrel shit." -Ty Henderson” - Madeleine Urban

28. “Tis well thou art not fish; if thou hadst, thou hadst been poor-John.” - William Shakespeare

29. “Now we see the violence inherent in the system!” - Python Monty

30. “I get no sense from his note at all,” said Will, bounding to his feet, “except that he can quote Tennyson’s lesser poetry. Sophie, how quickly canyou have Tessa ready?”“Half an hour,” said Sophie, not looking up from the dress.“Meet me in the courtyard in half an hour, then,” said Will. “I’ll wake Cyril. And be prepared to swoon at my finery.” - Cassandra Clare

31. “A bug lies in quiet repose;when he passed no one knows.Did he suffer, was he pained?Before he died, was knowledge gained?Were all life’s pressures much too great.To put upon so small a weight?Although not one for pessimism,I think he died of journalism!” - Nikhil Sharda

32. “If anyone wanted ter find out some stuff, all they’d have ter do would be ter follow the spiders. That’d lead ‘em right! That’s all I’m sayin’.” - J.K. Rowling

33. “Actually, watching television and surfing the Internet are really excellent practice for being dead.” - Chuck Palahniuk

34. “God made him, and therefore let him pass for a man. In truth, I know it is a sin to be a mocker, but he! why, he hath a horse better than the Neapolitan’s, a better bad habit of frowning than the Count Palentine; he is every man in no man. If a throstle sing, he falls straight a-cap’ring. He will fence with his own shadow. If I should marry him, I should marry twenty husbands.” - William Shakespeare

35. “If they were afraid of him, then he must be Satan or something even worse, like maybe Sarah Palin.” - Stephani Hecht

36. “Oh, drat the men! No matter what they do, it's the wrong thing. And no matter who they are, it's somebody they shouldn't be. They do exasperate me.” - L.M. Montgomery

37. “Carrot started to clap.It wasn't the clap used by middlings to encourage underlings to applaud overlings. It had genuine enthusiasm behind it which was, somehow, worse.” - Terry Pratchett

38. “Does breakfast in bed count as a morning workout?” - Elizabeth Jane Howard

39. “Oh- hey, there," he said. He was shorter than me, pudgy with salt-and-pepper hair that always seemed to be in need of a good conditioning. And he always wore sweatpants and T-shirts that had seen more abuse than narcotics. But he was a good landlord. When my heater stopped working in mid-December, it took him only two weeks to get it fixed. Of course, it took me knocking on his door in need of a warm place to sleep to get it that way, but one night on his sofa, where I'd suddenly developed night terrors and epilepsy, and that puppy was running like a Mercedes the next day. It was awesome.” - Darynda Jones

40. “Mr. and Mrs. Lowell are not receiving."What the hell did that mean? "I'm not throwing a forty-yard pass. I just have a few questions. I think their daughter is in danger.” - Darynda Jones

41. “Enjoy every ounce of your life, get high and be sincere to anybody that comes around you.” - Salman Aditya

42. “First month honey. . .Next month pie. . .Third month. . .Get out here and work, you damn bitch, same as I.” - Karen Cecil Smith

43. “Runāsim labāk par mūsu dārgo skolu, atcerēsimies saldos, mīļos, labi nobarotos cāļus!” - Eriks Ādamsons

44. “Eventually my dad got home from work and set his briefcase down.'So. How was practice?' he asked'It was good. Why? Did you hear it wasn't?' I said, trying to keep my cool.'Son, no offense, but you play Little League. It's not the Yankees. I don't get daily reports about who's hitting the shit out of the ball” - Justin Halpern

45. “My instructor was a skinny guy in his midtwenties who had a shaved head that was always peeling from sunburns and who could only have smelled more like marijuana if he'd been made of it. The training vehicle was a mid- '80s tan Nissan that had working breaks on the passenger side; He often got his jollies slamming them on for no reason and then between wheezing laughs saying 'You were all like 'I'm in control of the car' and then I hit the brakes and shit and you were all like 'whaaaat?” - Justin Halpern

46. “His question is pretty dangerous for me to try to answer, so I don’t—it continues to hang out there like the stained underwear at a slumber party that goes unclaimed.” - Jen Naumann

47. “Leo could run pretty fast when someone was trying to kill him. Sadly, he’d had a lot of practice.” - Rick Riordan

48. “if everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane(T-Shirt)” - Darynda Jones

49. “My dad was a fairy," said Zach. "And by that I don't mean he dressed well and enjoyed musical theatre.” - Ben Aaronovitch

50. “The correspondent wondered ingenuously how in the name of all that was sane could there be people who thought it amusing to row a boat. It was not an amusement; it was a diabolical punishment, and even a genius of mental aberrations could never conclude that it was anything but a horror to the muscles and a crime against the back.” - Stephen Crane

51. “Humans are animals, but aren’t we supposed to be civilized animals?” - Justine Monikue

52. “A fool will study for twenty or thirty years and learn how to do something, but a wise man will study for twenty or thirty minutes and become an expert. In this world, it isn't ability that counts, but authority.” - Barry Hughart

53. “If all else fails, stop drop and roll..works for me..:)” - Melissa Mercer

54. “I'll be fine. Maybe I should make up a magic milk bath with the Golden Fruit, huh?" I laughed.Kishan considered and grinned. "A giant bowlful of milk with you in the middle might be a little too much for us cats to resist.” - Colleen Houck

55. “Did you ever notice how the words Attention and Alienation look the same when you are staring at them from a distance?” - Alisia Compton

56. “She never saw the point of making fun of strangers – how could you possibly know enough about them to hit below the belt?” - Daniel Marks

57. “... but some say that reality is what happens inside a writer's head, and it is fiction which takes place outside it.” - Barry A. Whittingham

58. “Never make an important decision with your pants down.” - Katie Thayne

59. “Life is a great big canvas; throw all tje paint you can at it.” - Danny Kaye

60. “Oh my God! You little slut! You want to have a good date with him and want to have ten thousand of his little baseball babies! Cassie!!!” - J. Sterling

61. “In my family nudity just doesn’t exist; I’m pretty sure my parents were both born fully clothed and still shower that way.” - Huston Piner

62. “Oh God, my stomach must have won a medal- it's doing a lap of honour now.” - Ali McNamara

63. “I'm writing a book on Procrastination. I hope to start it tomorrow. I've been thinking about it for almost six years now.” - Ron Moore

64. “I'm writing a new book called 'Ventroliquism for Dummies'.” - Ron Moore

65. “Tell them I have the headache--no, the plague! I need something nice and contagious.” - Lauren Willig

66. “Much of writing might be described as mental pregnancy with successive difficult deliveries. J.B. PRIESTLEY” - Janice Lane Palko

67. “Praise can be your most valuable asset as long as you don't aim it at yourself.” - Orlando A. Battista

68. “Froi heard Zabat's voice echo over and over again throughout the gorge. Wonderful. The gods had found a way of multiplying the idiot's voice.” - Melina Marchetta

69. “When a Were moves in like that it means they're offering support. Cat and canine weres are very touch-feely and bird Were have a whole elaborate protocol for brush ad flutter. Snake Weres like to get right up into your aura and breather in your face, all but rubbing noses like Eskimos. And let's not even talk about Werespiders. I shivered.” - Lilith Saintcrow

70. “Chomsky is a pencil-and-paper theoretician who wouldn't know Jabba the Hutt from the Cookie Monster,” - Steven Pinker

71. “I observe that there is a good deal of German music on the programme, which is rather more to my taste than Italian or French. It is introspective, and I want to introspect.” - Arthur Conan Doyle

72. “Knock-knock, motherfucker.” - Jenny Lawson

73. “Lady Margaret believed in the three D's: Discipline, Desire, and Determination. But as she listened dutifully to her new employer, hiding her yawns and trying to sit up extra straight in her chair, Charity Hill began thinking of all the lovely things that began with S, such as Sleeping Late, Sex, and Shopping.” - Elizabeth Jane Howard

74. “During the settling of the American colonies, it was said that the Spaniards would first build a church, the Dutch would first build a fort and the English a tavern. Welcome to Charleston, an English colony founded in 1670.” - Mark Jones