77 Absurd And Hilarious Quotes

In a world where reality often feels too routine, a touch of absurdity can offer a refreshing escape. There's something uniquely delightful about a quote that not only makes you chuckle but challenges your perspective with its sheer nonsensical brilliance. Whether you're in need of a light-hearted pick-me-up or just looking to add some whimsy to your day, we've got you covered. Dive into this curated collection of the top 77 absurd and hilarious quotes, each one a testament to the clever and colorful minds that dared to venture beyond the boundaries of conventional thinking. Prepare to chuckle, ponder, and perhaps even see the world in a slightly more ridiculous light.

1. “As my exciting story began I was being punched in the stomach.” - John Swartzwelder

2. “To you, I'm an atheist.To God, I'm the loyal opposition.” - Woody Allen

3. “I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.” - Woody Allen

4. “Honey, you're the one who stopped sleeping with me, OK?It'll be a year come April 20th. I remember the date exactly, because it was Hitler's birthday” - Woody Allen

5. “I came home one night, some month ago, and I went to the closet in my bedroom...and a moth ate my sports jacket. He was laying on the floor, nauseous, y'know.” - Woody Allen

6. “What have you been reading, The Gospel according to St. Bastard?!” - Eddie Izzard

7. “Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.” - Garrison Keillor

8. “The bounties of space, of infinite outwardness, were three: empty heroics, low comedy, and pointless death.” - Kurt Vonnegut

9. “God is the supreme uncreated light of which Wisdom is born, but there was never a time when God's Wisdom did not exist.” - Merritt Y. Hughes

10. “It's a beautiful thing, the destruction of words.” - George Orwell

11. “Everything not forbidden is compulsory” - T.H. White

12. “A man is an angel that has gone deranged.” - Philip K. Dick

13. “More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.” - Woody Allen

14. “No! Please! I'll tell you whatever you want to know!" the man yelled. "Really?" said Vimes. "What's the orbital velocity of the moon?""What?""Oh, you'd like something simpler?” - Terry Pratchett

15. “Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future.” - Niels Bohr

16. “Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.” - Jon Stewart

17. “If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?” - Jon Stewart

18. “They took a baseball batand whacked open his head.Mummy Boy fell to the ground;he finally was dead. Inside of his headwere no candy or prizes,just a few stray beetlesof various sizes.” - Tim Burton

19. “They haven't left us much to believe in, have they?--even disbelief. I can't believe in anything bigger than a home or vaguer than a human being.” - Graham Greene

20. “I took a puff of the wrong cigarette at a fraternity dance once, and the cops had to get me, y'know. I broke two teeth trying to give a hickie to the Statue of Liberty.” - Woody Allen

21. “I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate...eh...spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.” - Woody Allen

22. “I can't fight. I was once run over by a car with a flat tire, being pushed by two guys.” - Woody Allen

23. “I was the captain of the latent paranoid softball team. We used to play all the neurotics on sunday morning. Nailbiters against the bedwetters, and if you've never seen neurotics play softball, it's really funny. I used to steal second base, and feel guilty and go back.” - Woody Allen

24. “Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.” - Spike Milligan

25. “This is the story of two men who met in a banana republic. One of them never did anything dishonest in his life except for one crazy minute. The other never did anything honest in his life except for one crazy minute. ” - Preston Sturges

26. “THE POLITICIANIf it wasn't for graft, you'd get a very low type of people in politics. Men without ambition. Jellyfish!CATHERINEEspecially since you can't rob the people anyway.THE POLITICIANSure...How was that?CATHERINEWhat you rob, you spend. And what you spend goes back to the people. So where's the robbery? I read that in one of my father's books.THE POLITICIANThat book should be in every home!” - Preston Sturges

27. “The one thing I remember about Christmas was that my father used to take me out in a boat about ten miles offshore on Christmas Day, and I used to have to swim back. Extraordinary. It was a ritual. Mind you, that wasn't the hard part. The difficult bit was getting out of the sack.” - John Cleese

28. “Why, look at me. I've worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.” - Groucho Marx

29. “We're the new power, come to replace the old. Cameras in the head, children with microchips, spin doctors rewriting reality as it happens. ” - Grant Morrison

30. “Maruman does not loll.” - Isobelle Carmody

31. “That pompous phrase (graphic novel) was thought up by some idiot in the marketing department of DC. I prefer to call them Big Expensive Comics.” - Alan Moore

32. “Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?” - Steven Wright

33. “Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.” - Steven Wright

34. “When all else fails, there's always delusion.” - Conan O'Brien

35. “JEMAINELisa?BRETYes, she's in Delta Force. She's been deployed to Fallujah.JEMAINEBut she works in the croissant shop.BRETYeah, she's got two jobs. She's a pastry chef and a sniper.” - Flight of the Conchords

36. “You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.” - Woody Allen

37. “You keep seeing your picture on posters that you are missing but you're not. That'd be weird, right? Or say you look down at the sidewalk and earthworms are spelling your name. Or you open a peanut bag and the 'hello' is written in your writing on the inside of the shell. Would that weird ya?” - Lynda Barry

38. “If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.” - Steven Wright

39. “How fishy on the fishiness scale? Ten is a stickleback and one is a whale shark.""A whale isn't a fish, Thursday.""A whale shark is--sort of.""All right, it's as fishy as a crayfish.""A crayfish isn't a fish.""A starfish, then.""Still not a fish.""This is a very odd conversation, Thursday.” - Jasper Fforde

40. “What a nice night for an evening.” - Steven Wright

41. “In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, 'Cut it out.'” - Steven Wright

42. “Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.” - Steven Wright

43. “If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.” - Steven Wright

44. “If at first the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it.” - Albert Einstein

45. “TEACHERLet us begin. Repeat after me. I would like --STUDENTI wud like --TEACHERTo feed your fingertips --STUDENTTo feed yur fingerteeps --TEACHERTo the wolverines.” - Michael O'Donoghue

46. “TEACHERNext. I am afraid --STUDENTI em afred --TEACHERWe are out --STUDENTWee are out --TEACHEROf badgers.STUDENTOf badjurs.TEACHERWould you accept --STUDENTWud you accept --TEACHERA wolverine --STUDENTA wolver-eene --TEACHERIn its place?” - Michael O'Donoghue

47. “TEACHERNext. Hey, Ned exclaimed --STUDENTEy, Ned asclaimed --TEACHERLet's boil --STUDENTLet's boil --TEACHERThe wolverines.” - Michael O'Donoghue

48. “The mind, placed before any kind of difficulty, can find an ideal outlet in the absurd. Accommodation to the absurd readmits adults to the mysterious realm inhabited by children.” - André Breton

49. “You want to cut down air pollution? Cut down the original source... Breathin'! ” - Walt Kelly

50. “End production today. Wrap party as usual a little sad. Slow danced with Scarlett. Broke her toe. Not my fault. When she dipped me back, I stepped on it.Penélope and Javier anxious to work with me again. Said if I ever come up with another screenplay to try and find them.Goodbye drink with Rebecca. Sentimental moment.Everyone in cast and crew chipped in and bought me a ballpoint pen.” - Woody Allen

51. “Raining. Oh, brother, a scratch on the fender. Damn rabbi on his unicycle.Wait a minute, where are my car keys? Could have sworn I left them in this pocket. No, just some loose change and ticket stubs from the all-black version of Elaine Stritch’ s one-woman show.Did I check my desk? Better go back inside. What’s in the top drawer here? Hmm. Envelopes, my paper clips, a loaded revolver in case the tenant in 2A begins yodelling again.” - Woody Allen

52. “Remember the Hottentots?" asked James. "They've become the Khoi now, which means that the Germans will have to retire that wonderful word of theirs, Hottentotenpotentatenstantenattentater, which means, as you know, one who attacks the aunt of a Hottentot potentate.” - Alexander McCall Smith

53. “I remember discussions with Bohr which went through many hours till very late at night and ended almost in despair; and when at the end of the discussion I went alone for a walk in the neighbouring park I repeated to myself again and again the question: Can nature possibly be so absurd as it seemed to us in these atomic experiments?” - Werner Heisenberg

54. “Have you ever heard a blindfolded octopus unwrap a cellophane-covered bathtub?” - Norton Juster

55. “A partir do momento em que é reconhecido, o absurdo é uma paixão, a mais dilacerante de todas.” - Albert Camus

56. “- A pan czy wierzy w duchy - spytał prelegenta jeden ze słuchaczy.- Oczywiście, że nie - odparł prelegent, po czym z wolna rozpłynąłsię w powietrzu.” - Arkady Strugatsky

57. “It is a Bush administration official on the moment when torture breaks a victim:The job of the interrogator is to safely help the terrorist do his duty to Allah, so he then feels liberated to speak freely.From Neil Gaiman's account of a torturer in hell:We will hurt you. And we are not sorry. But we do not do it to punish you. We do it to redeem you. Because afterward, you'll be a better person ... and because we love you. One day you'll thank us for it.War is peace. Torture is freedom. In the end, you love Big Brother. ” - Andrew Sullivan

58. “I am a personal optimist but a skeptic about all else. What may sound to some like anger is really nothing more than sympathetic contempt. I view my species with a combination of wonder and pity, and I root for its destruction. And please don't confuse my point of view with cynicism; the real cynics are the ones who tell you everything's gonna be all right.” - George Carlin

59. “The teacher took two long strides and stood beside Parker’s desk. Before the boy could speak, Mr. Earl threw the desktop open. For a second, he stared into it. A white glow reflected off his face.“What is this?” he said, as he reached toward the brightness. “Careful, Mr. Earl,” Parker started to say, but it was too late.The teacher screeched before lurching against the desk. He went down quickly, his feet vanishing into the desk last.” - James van Pelt

60. “You need to be clever to best him. Are you clever, Rachel?”Oh God. She wants to know if I’m clever. I glanced at Al, and he stared at me, then shrugged. Licking my lips, I said, “It’s the shiny pot that puts a hole in the sky.”Al’s mouth dropped open, but Newt thought about it, her expression thoughtful and her fingers finally leaving her knife. “Very true,” she said as she eased back into the cushions.With a soft click of his teeth, Al’s mouth shut. His eyes were cross, and he seemed peeved that I’d found a way to satisfy her without compromising myself at all.” - Kim Harrison

61. “No novelists any good except me. Sovietski -- yah! Nastikoff -- bah! I spit me of zem all. No novelists anywhere any good except me. P. G. Wodehouse and Tolstoi not bad. Not good, but not bad. No novelists any good except me.” - P.G. Wodehouse

62. “The phrase ‘popular science’ has in itself a touch of absurdity. That knowledge which is popular is not scientific.” - Maria Mitchell

63. “Voodoo GirlHer skin is white cloth,and she's all sewn apartand she has many colored pinssticking out of her heart.She has many different zombieswho are deeply in her trance.She even has a zombiewho was originally from France.But she knows she has a curse on her,a curse she cannot win.For if someone getstoo close to her,the pins stick farther in.” - Tim Burton

64. “BRETShe looked like a Parisian river..JEMAINEWhat, dirty?BRETShe looked like a chocolate eclair..JEMAINEThat's rare.BRETHer eyes were reflections of eyes..JEMAINEOhh, nice.BRETAnd the rainbows danced in her hair..JEMAINEOh yea.BRETShe reminded me of a winter's morning..JEMAINEWhat, frigid?BRETHer perfume was Eau De Toilette..JEMAINEWhat's that mean?BRETShe was comparable to Cleopatra..JEMAINEQuite old?BRETShe was like Shakespeare's Juliet..JEMAINEWhat? 13?” - Flight of the Conchords

65. “Humans are creatures, who spent their lifes trying to convince themselves, that their existence is not absurd” - Albert Camus

66. “Snarling an oath from an Icelandic saga, I reclaimed my place at the head of the queue. "Oy!" yelled a punk rocker, with studs in his cranium. "There's a fackin' queue!"Never apologize, advises Lloyd George. Say it again, only this time, ruder. "I know there's a 'fackin' queue'! I already queued in it once and I am not going to queue in it again just because Nina Simone over there won't sell me a ruddy ticket!"A colored yeti in a clip-on uniform swooped. "Wassa bovver?""This old man here reckons his colostomy bag entitles him to jump the queue," said the skinhead, "and make racist slurs about the lady of Afro-Caribbean extraction in the advance-travel window."I couldn't believe I was hearing this.” - David Mitchell

67. “Don Severo dropped his fork, Doña Remedios nearly chocked, but Jesús carried on playing with his food. He’d never really liked broccoli.” - Olga Núñez Miret

68. “Flying is simple. Hitting the ground is hard” - Josh Stern

69. “The only threesome I've ever experienced is with Pantene 2 in 1” - Josh Stern

70. “You see, I’ve heard of a man whose friend had been imprisoned and who slept on the floor of his room every night in order not to enjoy a comfort of which his friend had been deprived.” - Albert Camus

71. “You can sit on a brick, and milk a cow with a blanket.” - Nicole McKay

72. “A brick and a blanket together create a blick. That’s it. That’s all I got.” - Amy Riekhof

73. “A watched pot never boils.... but it does develop paranoia” - Josh Stern

74. “Are you an evolutionist? I’m an absurdist, ma’am. But let’s suppose evolution is true; what about the monkeys today? Why can’t we see them evolving? Are they still evolving?” - Harrison Wheeler

75. “Date rape is just plain moronic when you consider how slutty figs are” - Josh Stern

76. “Love isn't two matching unicycles. Love is a bicycle—and mine just got stolen.
” - Dark Jar Tin Zoo

77. “We call love what binds us to certain creatures only by reference to a collective way of seeing for which books and legends are responsible.” - Albert Camus