86 Funny And Random Quotes

In the whirlwind of daily life, a good laugh can be the perfect remedy to lighten the mood and bring a splash of joy to any day. That's precisely why we've gathered an eclectic mix of the top 86 funny and random quotes that are sure to tickle your funny bone and brighten your spirits. From witty one-liners to hilariously unexpected observations, these quotes celebrate humor in its many forms, reminding us not to take life too seriously. So, sit back, relax, and get ready to chuckle as you delve into this treasure trove of comedic gems that promise to entertain and amuse.

1. “She never called her son by any name but John; 'love' and 'dear', and such like terms, were reserved for Fanny.” - Elizabeth Gaskell

2. “You keep the title of 'president' even if you served only one term. The same goes for rapists.” - Christy Leigh Stewart

3. “Do animals understand the concept of dreams or do they think they enter another dimension when they get tired?” - Christy Leigh Stewart

4. “I've purged myself of worldly goods; half my stuff is either being sold or going to charity. I need to go shopping.” - Christy Leigh Stewart

5. “The wider you spread your fingers apart while clapping is equal to the amount of retarded you look while clapping.” - Christy Leigh Stewart

6. “Green grass breaks through snow,Artemis pleads for my help,I am so cool.” - Rick Riordan

7. “Lying on the ceiling. Refusing to go to school. Not opening up to me. Climbing water towers. "No, she's all right.” - Kami Garcia

8. “How funny are dogs?” - John Marsden

9. “I showed him the Post-it. “You see They’re from Lily.”“Who’s Lily?”“Some girl.”“Ooh... a girl!”“Boomer, we’re not in third grade anymore. You don’t say, ‘Ooh... a girl!’”“What? You fucking her?”“Okay, Boomer, you’re right. I liked ‘Ooh... a girl!’ much more than that. Let’s stick with ‘Ooh... a girl!” - David Levithan

10. “...and Jack, who felt like he was on the cusp of being able to read minds and thought it would be all right if Luce wrote him down for that. ("I sense that you're okay with that, am I right?" He made a gun out of his fingers and clicked his tongue.)” - Lauren Kate

11. “You know your all fucks! why am i so dichable? now how am i supposed to kill you with out upseting that poor nice women!? God damnit alice i liked you why did you have to be such a bitch” - Carrie Vaughn

12. “Is she special? (asks the gay waiter)" I thinks she's going to break my heart" On arrival of the girl" The flannel is fine honey,but I have'nt seen anyone that over accesorized since batman!” - Christopher Moore

13. “I didn’t know if I could stop her with one blow. But I could whack the crap out of her.” - Rachel Vincent

14. “He was the firstborn Bridgerton of a firstborn Bridgerton of a firstborn Bridgerton eight times over. He had a dynastic responsibility to be fruitful and multiply.” - Julia Quinn

15. “You've got to stop and ask yourself once in a while...why some asinine politicians would quicker cut out social security than the space program...Go figure.” - Timothy Pina

16. “At fifty times the distance, you dispatched that ko-bold with three arrows to the neck. I’ve earned a trio to the chest. Seems you slapped him while you’re tickling me. You doona want to kill me, which is a good sign. Maybe this is your way of flirting?” - Kresley Cole

17. “I walked in on my folks doing it doggy style less than four hours ago.""Waitress!" Jonas screamed, clicking his fingers madly. "Bring two!" then, more quietly,"You want a neck massage? A bedtime story? A bullet in the ear?” - MaryJanice Davidson

18. “The house had a name. The Banana House. It was carved onto a piece of sandstone above the front door. It made no sense to anyone.” - Hilary McKay

19. “Is this your holiday homework?" asked Sarah. "Don't do it, Rose! And Eve will write you a note to say it's iniquitous to give eight-year-olds homework. You will, won't you, Eve?""I could never spell 'iniquitous,' Sarah darling!""Hot concrete," said Rose mournfully, prodding her porridge."Write this," ordered Saffron. "'The ancient Egyptians are all dead. Their days are very quiet.' Porridge is meant to look like hot concrete. Eat it up.... Read the next question!"..."What would you say if you bumped into Tutankhamen in the street?""'Sorry!'" said Sarah at once. "Put that.""We have to answer in proper sentences.""'Sorry, but it was your fault! You were walking sideways!” - Hilary McKay

20. “I do know you're nothing like him. But you're still....still a lot. A lot to handle. I don't mean your junk, obviously, as we've not gotten to the fondling-bits stage yet. And I can't believe I just talked about your junk.” - Nicole Peeler

21. “Darling Daddy,This is Rose.So flames went all up the kitchen wall. Saffron called the fire brigade and the police came too to see if it was a trick and the police woman said to Saffron Here You Are Again because of when I got lost having my glasses checked. But I was with Tom whose grandmother is a witch on top of the highest place in town.Love, Rose.” - Hilary McKay

22. “Caddy came home on Friday evening. Perfectly Harmless Patrick brought her in his battered old car..."Crikey, Caddy!" said Indigo, and he disappeared upstairs to tell Rose.Eve murmured, "Sweet," rather doubtfully.Sarah said, not doubtfully at all, "Horrendous! The worst yet. Rock bottom.""He had a very difficult childhood," said Caddy...."Who didn't?" asked Saffron unsympathetically. "Gosh, he's ancient, Caddy! Look, he's going bald! All that long trailing stuff is just a disguise!""If I was going bald," said Sarah, "I would face the fact and have it all shaved off.""Well, I thought Mummy would like him," said Caddy defensively. "...Anyway, I can always take him back.""I think you're going to have to, Caddy darling," said Eve... "Hello, Rose darling! Come in and see what Caddy has brought home to show us!"She escaped, and Rose, who had already heard the news from Indigo, glanced at Patrick and began laughing."See?" said Sarah. "Rose knows! Absolutely rock bottom! You cannot be serious, Caddy!""Oh, stop looking at him!" said Caddy, uncomfortably. "I'll find something to cover him up with in a minute!""How long are you leaving him there for?" asked Rose."Just until Sunday," said Caddy, trying to sound casual."Till Sunday!" repeated Saffron. "So is Micheal dumped?""Of course he isn't!" said Caddy indignantly. "I've never dumped anyone!""Start!" said Saffron. "Otherwise they just pile up, taking up the sofas...” - Hilary McKay

23. “Darling Daddy,This is Rose.Saffy says everyone says it is Indigo's fault that their Head has two black eyes and a swelled-up nose.Love from Rose.P.S. Sarah who is here says to tell you love from wheelchair woman too.Rose's father telephoned especially to tell Rose not to call Sarah Wheelchair Woman."That's what she called herself," protested Rose. "She thought of it! Aren't you worried about what I told you about Indigo and the Head?""What?" asked Bill. "Oh that! Two black eyes and a swollen nose! I don't think I can believe that one, Rose darling!” - Hilary McKay

24. “Darling Daddy,This is Rose.Very good news. Caddy is going to marry Micheal. In case you have forgotten because you have not been home for so long he is the one with the ponytail and the earring that you do not like. And Caddy says she will have a white lace dress and three bridesmaids, Saffron and Sarah and me, and a big party for everyone, all her old boyfriends too. Fireworks. A band. A big tent called a marquee. But where will we put it? Carriages with white horses for us all to go to the church. Afterward Caddy and Micheal will go for a holiday to Australia to visit the Great Barrier Reef. Caddy has it all worked out and Mummy says Yes She Can Of Course You Can Darling Of Course You Must Do That. Saffron said That Will Cost a Few Weeks Housekeeping and Mummy said Yes But We Do Not Need to Worry About That. DADDY WILL PAY.Love, Rose.” - Hilary McKay

25. “I was shameless in my supermarket-shelf mass-market taste. I loved King, Evanovich, Grisham and Brown. I won't lie; the oficial-looking filing cabinet in the corner is actually stuffed full of my paperbacks.” - Molly Harper

26. “I rolled my eyes. “Do all narcotics officers lack basic humancompassion, or were you just not hugged enough as a child?”Trust Me” - L.A. Witt

27. “I'm Magnus Bane." he went on in a soothing tone, stretching out his ringed hands. Blue sparks had begun to dance between them like bioluminescence dancing water. "I'm the warlock who's here to cure you. Didn't they tell you I was comming?""I know who you are, but..." Maia looked dazed. "You look so... so... shiny.” - Cassandra Clare

28. “It looks like Animal and Miss piggy had sex," I said. "And this was the spawn." "My eyes!" Boomer cried. "My eyes! I can't stop seeing it now that you've said it!” - David Levithan

29. “-Oh yes? Can you identify yourself?-Certainly. I'd know me anywhere.” - Terry Pratchett

30. “(About a cookbook...)- What about this one? Maids of Honor?- Weeelll, they starts OUT as Maids of Honor...but they ends up Tarts.” - Terry Pratchett

31. “Haha, I can't hit you. If I did, I'd feel sorry for the person who'd have to clean up the mess of your splattered brain.” - Kyousuke Motomi

32. “Jesus H. Christ on ice and Mary in the penalty box!” - Rob Sheffield

33. “I'm happy for the kid and everything, but how the fuck does Lio get a friend before me? I live here. 'I told you I could do it :)' Lio IMs me. I want to rip out that smiley's eyes.” - Hannah Moskowitz

34. “Dear Fly, I love you. If you are a mouse I am cheese. If you are a cat I am a mouse. You are a fly, so I want to be shit.” - Casey Scieszka

35. “The Restaurant at the End of the Universe is one of the most extraordinary ventures in the entire history of catering.It is built on the fragmented remains of an eventually ruined planet which is (wioll haven be) enclosed in a vast time bubble and projected forward in time to the precise moment of the End of the Universe.This is, many would say, impossible.In it, guests take (willan on-take) their places at table and eat (willan on eat) sumptuous meals while watching (willing watchen) the whole of creation explode around them.This, many would say, is equally impossible.You can arrive (mayan arrivan on-when) for any sitting you like without prior (late fore-when) reservation because you can book retrospectively, as it were, when you return to your own time (you can have on-book haventa forewhen presooning returningwenta retrohome).This is, many would now insist, absolutely impossible.At the Restaurant you can meet and dine with (mayan meetan con with dinan on when) a fascinating cross-section of the entire population of space and time.This, it can be explained patiently, is also impossible.You can visit it as many times as you like (mayan on-visit re onvisiting ... and so on – for further tense correction consult Dr. Streetmentioner's book) and be sure of never meeting yourself, because of the embarrassment this usually causes.” - Douglas Adams

36. “And they all lived happily ever after (barring death, divorce, arrest for tax fraud, that incident with the pool boy...)” - Sarah Rees Brennan

37. “Is that a rule? Do you have a rule that you can’t kiss people in the morning?” - Holly Hood

38. “so this crow comes and it starts quacking at us.” - Snooki

39. “If my hair was on fire and llamas came to put it out, he'd tell me the shot was great.” - Erin Dionne

40. “He'd have to turn on his high-voltage charm with these people. Should work. They were only used to 12V battery power after all-he'd dazzle them.” - Josephine Myles

41. “Who is your favorite character in the series? Or...if that's too hard, why do you like each one and who drives you crazy?Puck: Well, she likes me best, of course. I'm the handsome, charming one. Ash: Yes, that's why she gave you your own book. Oh, wait. Puck: No one asked you, ice-boy.” - Julie Kagawa

42. “Ish #19 "If your diet soda has zero calories, zero sugar and zero fat, what the hell are you drinking?” - Regina Griffin

43. “Afternoon experience: autographing exposed legs, outstretched in lines like matchsticks. Afternoon epiphany: Those with smooth, hairless legs would soon lose all evidence of my contact when the sweat causes the ink from the marker to run. I am ephemeral. Skepticism would be the reaction to those with thick leg hair, as their curls frazzle the lines of my name outward illegibly. Among the scaly-legged, I flaked off immediately, like I never was at all.” - Benson Bruno

44. “I never thought that someday men will also use an iPAD.” - Santosh Kalwar

45. “There is no logic in logics except an illogical logic.” - Santosh Kalwar

46. “Do yourself a favor,' I said. "Forget it. Forget you ever saw me.""Forget that you tried to kill me too?""Yeah. That, too.""But who are you?""Percy-" I started to say. Then the skeletons turned around. "Gotta go!""What kind of name is Percy Gotta-go?"I bolted for the exit.” - Rick Riordan

47. “Woman. Buckle” - Kristen Ashley

48. “Martin was dafter than a syphilitic polecat - where do I get these metaphors from?” - Stieg Larsson

49. “If you’re listening to this, congratulations! You survived Doomsday.I’d like to apologize straightaway for any inconvenience the end of the world may have caused you. The earthquakes, rebellions, riots,tornadoes, floods, tsunamis, and of course the giant snake who swallowed the sun—I’m afraid most of that was our fault. Carter and I decided we should at least explain how it happened.” - Rick Riordan

50. “Our problems started in Dallas, when the fire-breathing sheep destroyed the King Tut exhibit.” - Rick Riordan

51. “Yes, an actual full-sized camel. If you find that confusing, just think how the criosphinx must have felt.Where did the camel come from, you ask? I may have mentioned Walt’s collection of amulets. Two of them summoned disgusting camels. I’dmet them before, so I was less than excited when a ton of dromedary flesh flew across my line of sight, plowed into the sphinx, and collapsed on topof it. The sphinx growled in outrage as it tried to free itself. The camel grunted and farted.“Hindenburg,” I said. Only one camel could possibly fart that badly. “Walt, why in the world—?”“Sorry!” he yelled. “Wrong amulet!”The technique worked, at any rate. The camel wasn’t much of a fighter, but it was quite heavy and clumsy. The criosphinx snarled and clawedat the floor, trying unsuccessfully to push the camel off; but Hindenburg just splayed his legs, made alarmed honking sounds, and let loose gas.I moved to Walt’s side and tried to get my bearings.” - Rick Riordan

52. “Jesse is a good guy, although I don't understand the infatuation with the spandex he is always running around in.” - Holly Hood

53. “I should have known the power-hungry slave drivers at River's Edge would see my five days of freedom only as a challenge to be filled.” - Cate Tiernan

54. “Not that I don't appreciate the rescue," Holt said. "But I'm forced to ask, in the interest of self-preservation ... exactly how well armed are you right now?” - Rachel Vincent

55. “the answer to every problem involved penguins” - Rick Riordan

56. “He had bright elfin eyes and a knowledgeable ass.” - Chris Hannan

57. “Somehow she had climbed halfway up his body before he managed to grasp her waist. He plucked her off and set her on her feet.She started to climb up his body again.“Are you having fun?” he asked suspiciously.“We’re on the fucking moon!” she shouted. “There’s nothing here!”He stared at her. “I don’t think you’re having fun.”“No air!”He shook his head. “Think about that logically. Could you have possibly said those words if there truly was no air? Of coursethere’s no air or atmosphere outside this bubble—”“Ofcoursethere’snofuckingairhereorfuckingatmosphereonthefuckinggoddamnMOONyouGODDAMNFUCKINGCRAZYMORONICDJINN…”“Grace,” he roared in her face.” - Thea Harrison

58. “I must be very complex, judging by the number of days determined to define me.” - Spuds Crawford

59. “His green eyes blazed with desire; such a different look than I'd known before. Chase had studied me, reading my feelings. Tucker was only trying to see his own reflection. Disturbing on several levels.” - Kristen Simmons

60. “Damn it. Reyes could be such a butthead. Freaking Antichrists.” - Darynda Jones

61. “Morelli was wearing a blazer over a black knit shirt, He took a seat, and his jacket swung wide, exposing the gun at his hip."Nice piece!" Grandma said. "What is it? Is that a forty-five?""It's a nine- millimeter.""Don't suppose you'd let me see it," Grandma said. "I'd sure like to get the feel of a gun like that.""No!" said everyone in unison."I shot a chicken once," Grandma explained to Morelli. "It was an accident.""Where did you shoot it?" he finally asked."In the gumpy," Grandma said. "Shot it clear off.” - Janet Evanovich

62. “My smile wavers as I revert to my natural state of being: nervous and weird.” - Stephanie Perkins

63. “NI! Oh no! Not ni!” - Monty Python

64. “Mr. Taylor has this habit of emphasizing his point by using three adjectives or verbs in a row. 'Class, you must know,' Simon begins [imitating] in a droning voice, flinging her arms around at every syllable, 'that should you fail to understand, to comprehend, to FEEL the power of the Constitution’s words you will lose, forfeit, SURRENDER your ability to master the meaning of this most important document. You must read with an open mind in order to nurture, care for, and FOSTER your citizenship. Do I make myself clear, succinct, and COMPREHENSIBLE?” - Randa Abdel-Fattah

65. “You don't like Blue, do you?""No," Mira said, caught off guard by the change of subject."I was worried he was doing his knight-in-tarnished-armor thing and it was winning you over.” - Sarah Cross

66. “Jace?" She offered him the glass. "I am a man," he told her. "And men do not consume pink beverages. Get the gone, woman and bring me something brown.""Brown?" Isabelle made a face. "Brown is a manly colour," said Jace and yanked on a stray lock of Isabelle's hair with his free hand. "In fact, look-Alec is wearing it."Alec looked mournfully down at his sweater. "It was black," he said. "But then it faded.""You could dress it up with a sequined headband," Magnus suggested.” - Cassandra Clare

67. “Remember, I'm the only person her who's paid to be nice to you. But not too nice. Give me any lip and I'll break your face. OK?” - Orson Scott Card

68. “Leo took out a pen and autographed the arm of one of the nymphs. “Narcissus is a loser! He’s so weak, he can’t bench-press a Kleenex. He’s so lame, when you look up lame on Wikipedia, it’s got a picture of Narcissus—only the picture’s so ugly, no one ever checks it out.” - Rick Riordan

69. “Knocking the shrieking goblins aside like skittles” - J.K. Rowling

70. “Do you remember what I forgot?” - Erica Goros

71. “You're (I'm) not weird, you're (I'm) just not preticularily normal.” - Ben van Waterschoot

72. “And I figured you'd drive a four-hour round-trip before giving up your car to someone else” - Richelle Mead

73. “What's purple mean?"Adrian put his hand on the door. "Gotta go, Sage. Dont want to keep Dorothy waiting” - Richelle Mead

74. “Claire was going to hate me. Our son was sucked into the pits of hell while I was watching General Hospital. God damn you Brenda and Sonny for making me lose focus.” - Tara Sivec

75. “Well blow me down with a solar flare.” - Nenia Campbell

76. “Instead I sounded like a little girl on her first day of kindergarten. My name is Bee, and I like coloring and horsies.” - Kate Avery Ellison

77. “[Razo] knocked, peered inside, then jumped and shut the door, quiet as brushing two feathers together. He smiled at his own stealth, then swaggered right into a chair, banging it against the wall.You oaf. He cut short his swagger and began to move with exaggerated sneakiness.” - Shannon Hale

78. “EAT SANDWICH, NOT OWN MOUTH.” - Lauren Conrad

79. “If you're heading downtown from Centeral Park, my advice is to take the subway. Flying pigs are faster but way more dangerous” - Percy Jackson

80. “Now there's a girl I don't want to mess with' — or at least, that's what I would think if I had a chronic fear of freakishly nice people.” - Nenia Campbell

81. “Val had a horrific image of Lisa peering through a magnifying glass like a grotesquely teenybopper version of Nancy Drew — in jeggings.” - Nenia Campbell

82. “If You're Gonna Ride My Ass, At Least Pull My Hair!” - S.C. Stephens

83. “Imogene always sitson the remote. It’s probably wedged between her butt cheeks.”“Should I go get a crowbar?” - Kirsten Miller

84. “He looked up at Stig and Hal. 'Told you this one was a keeper.' Lydia flushed as the two boys smiled. 'Shut up. You make sure you do your stuff with those two overgrown dinner bowls you call shields.” - John Flanagan

85. “One fall day in Boston, a tall mechanical engineering student named Joe entered the student union at Harvard University. He was all ambition and acne” - Dan Ariely

86. “Right now, I couldn't have cared less if someone had waltzed across the room in a large flower costume with a sign saying GET YOUR BLACK TULIPS HERE. Every nerve in my body was on man-alert, screaming, "incoming!” - Lauren Willig