88 Funny Quotes For Laughter

Laughter is truly the best medicine, and there’s nothing like a witty quote to lift your spirits and bring a smile to your face. We've scoured the depths of humor to bring you a delightful collection of the top 88 funny quotes that are sure to tickle your funny bone. Whether you’re in need of a quick pick-me-up or just looking to brighten someone else’s day, these quotes are perfect for sharing, laughing over, and enjoying. Dive in and let the chuckles commence!

1. “And certainly, the mistakes that we male and female mortals make when we have our own way might fairly raise some wonder that we are so fond of it.” - George Eliot

2. “One's 'thing'--(1) A point of personal interest; a hobby, sport, or avocation that succinctly defines a person. (2) A brief coupling of words used to evoke someone's personality in a small-talk setting: Billy's thing used to be soccer; now it's masterbation. (3) A laconic summation of one's character and interests used for the purpose of categorization and judgement. See also 'What do you do?” - Joshua Braff

3. “I'm not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues.” - Franklin D. Roosevelt

4. “A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.” - Groucho Marx

5. “That cat doesn't have a lick of sense,' I said, sighing.Well, honey, he's not right in the head,' Dad said, flipping his cigarette into the front yard.I glared at him. 'And just what do you mean by that?'Dad counted on his fingers. 'He's cross-eyed; he jumps out of trees after birds and then doesn't land on his feet; he sleeps with his head smashed up against the wall, and the tip of his tail is crooked.'Oh yeah? Well, how about this: he once got locked in a basement by evil Petey Scroggs in the middle of January and survived on snow and little frozen mice. When I'm cold at night he sleeps right on my face. Of that whole litter of kittens he came out of he's the only one left. One of his brothers didn't even have a butthole.'I stand corrected. PeeDink is a survivor.” - Haven Kimmel

6. “Aside from the obvious, Francesca, what do you want in return for supplying information?” Bones asked, getting back to the subject. “You to take me,” she replied at once. “Not gonna happen!” I spat, squeezing him possessively. Three sets of widened eyes fixed on me. That’s when I realized that what I had a firm grip on was no longer his hand.” - Jeaniene Frost

7. “Ford Prefect suppressed a little giggle of evil satisfaction, realized that he had no reason to suppress it, and laughed out loud, a wicked laugh.” - Douglas Adams

8. “Our nannas are losers.” - Barbara Park

9. “Would you have done that in his place? Would you have left him and gone on?""Of course I would!" Halt replied immediately. But something in his voice rang false and Horse looked at him, raising one eyebrow. He'd waited a long time for an opportunity to use that expression of disbelief on Halt.After a pause, the Ranger's anger subsided."All right. Perhaps I wouldn't," he admitted. Then he glared at Horace. "And stop raising that eyebrow on me. You can't even do it properly. Your other eyebrow moves with it!” - John Flanagan

10. “If you're going to be a superhero, can I be your sidekick?" -April"What?" -Grace"The Dynamic Duo!" -April"Um, I'm pretty sure sidekicks have to have super powers, too. -Grace"Oh Yeah... Okay, but you can always use an Alfred." April"My Alfred?" -Grace"Oh come on Please I can help you design gadgets and stuff. Oh! I can design you outfits for crime fighting!" -April" *sigh* Okay. Sure. But no spandex" -Grace” - Bree Despain

11. “I shook my head. "Not Interested" I said.he straightened up. "Not interested in what?"In you." I couldn't be more blunt.Excuse me, miss, but I was going to ask if you would like to sign up for karaoke.” - Karen E. Olson

12. “I love my pizza so much, in fact, that I have come to believe in my delirium that my pizza might actually love me, in return. I am having a relationship with this pizza, almost an affair.” - Elizabeth Gilbert

13. “I had to say it gave me a warm feeling to picture Meredith Winslow spending twenty years or so in an ill fitting orange jumpsuit, cozying up to a great big girl named Beulah” - Kate Carlisle

14. “Boomer took bites of all six varieties, contemplating each one and "guring out the order in which he would then eat them. “I like thebrown one and the lighter brown one and the almost-brown one. I’m not so sure about the minty one. But really, I think the lebkuchen spiceone is the best.”“The what?”“The lebkuchen spice one.” He held it up for me. “This one.”“You’re making that up. What’s a lebkuchen spice? It sounds like a cross between a Keebler elf and a stripper. Hello, my name eesLebkuchen Spice, and I vant to show you my cooooookies...”“Don’t be rude!” Boomer protested. As if the cookie might be offended.” - David Levithan

15. “I'm one-half Cherokee, one-half Irish, one-half Turkish, one-half Australian and one-half Korean." "Excuse me, but that's five halves," said Maggie.” - Cuthbert Soup

16. “Daddy is trying really fugging hard to think of a not-terrifying reason why you'd wake Daddy up in the middle of the night to ask that fugging question. But no. No. Daddy does not have a match or a lighter.” - John Green

17. “Hey Mason, wipe the drool off your face. If you're going to think about me naked, do it on your own time." [...]"This is my time, Hathaway. I'm leading today's session." "Oh yeah?" I retorted. "Huh. Well, I guess this is a good time to think about me naked, then." "It's always a good a time to think about you naked," added someone nearby, breaking the tension further.” - Richelle Mead

18. “The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane.” - Mark Twain

19. “I walked to the door where Clovis waited. When I looked up, he was staring at Adam. A quick glance backward confirmed Adam was returning his stare. Freaking males, I thought, they couldn’t be more obvious about their territorial dispute if they’d both peed on me.” - Jaye Wells

20. “Normal? I'm not normal enough for you?" Carlos says. "You want this guy instead? Did you notice his hair doesn't move? That's not normal. You want to date him again, go ahead. Hell, if you want to marry him and be Kiara Barra the rest of your life, be my guest.""That's not want I--""I don't want to hear it. Hasta," Carlos says, ignoring me and walking away.I feel my face heat in embarrassment as I look at Michael. "Sorry. Carlos can he abrasive sometimes.""Don't apologize. The guy obviously has major issues and, for the record, my hair moves... when I want it to.” - Simone Elkeles

21. “Some people were just getting on with their lives, chatting, being young. It simply wouldn't do.” - Russell Brand

22. “Poncho was in a red mood slanging with rage and needed to cook himself out of it , while shoving handfuls of salted peanuts down his gullet and slurping ice cold Fanta” - Saira Viola

23. “How Superheroes Make Money: - Spider-Man knits sweaters. - Superman screw the lids on pickle jars. - Iron Man, as you would suspect, just irons.” - Jim Benton

24. “Can you surf really well, then?"I looked at Grover, who was trying hard not to laugh."Jeez, Nico," I said. "I've never really tried."He went on asking questions. Did I fight a lot with Thalia, since she was a daughter of Zeus? (I didn't answer that one.) If Annabeth's mother was Athena, the goddess of wisdom, then why didn't Annabeth know better than to fall off a cliff? (I tried not to strangle Nico for asking that one.) Was Annabeth my girlfriend? (At this point, I was ready to stick the kid in a meat-flavored sack and throw him to the wolves.)” - Rick Riordan

25. “Whatever would give you the idea that I'm her damn brother?” - Jeaniene Frost

26. “I'll be supposed upon a book, his face is the worst thing about him.” - William Shakespeare

27. “Oh, hell, he'd look hot in a chicken suit.” - Cyn Balog

28. “I hate you' she said to me one afternoon. 'I really, really hate you.' Call me sensitive, but I couldn't help but take it personally.” - David Sedaris

29. “Bob had a dog buscuit stuck to his head. "How does he always get food stuck to him?" I asked Morelli. "I don't know," Morelli said. "It's a Bob mystery. I think stuff falls out of his mouth and he rolls in it. I'm not sure."-Morelli And Stephanie” - Janet Evanovich

30. “I normally don't do requests. Unless, of course, I have been asked to do so.” - Victor Borge

31. “What I remember most clearly is how it felt. I’d just finished painting a red fire engine-like the one I often walked past near my grandparents’ house. Suddenly the teachers, whose names I've long forgotten, closed in on my desk. They seemed unusually impressed, and my still dripping fire engine was immediately and ceremoniously pinned up. I don’t know what they might have said, but their unexpected attention and having something I’d made given a place of honor on the wall created an overwhelming and totally unfamiliar sense of pride inside me. I loved that feeling, and I wanted to feel it again and again. That desire, I suppose, was the beginning of my career. I have no idea where my fire engine painting ended up, but I never forgot the basic layout. Several decades later, it served as the inspiration for this sketch for an illustration in a book called Why the chicken crossed the Road.” - David Macaulay

32. “She'll soon forget.""Caddy," said Saffron impatiently, "she is headmistress of the private school! She's probably never forgotten anything in her whole life!” - Hilary McKay

33. “No, no. Don't make that face. Every time I propose to you, you make that twisty, unhappy face. It wears on a man's confidence.” - Tessa Dare

34. “I wanted to play with death, like a child with a new toy, I wanted to push all the buttons and see what would happen.” - Holly Hood

35. “You guys dated, didn’t you?”“Are you insane? Not even if the continuation of our kind depended on it would I be tempted to do something so awful.” - Rachel Morgan

36. “Forgive me....I called you an idiot. I spoke too hastily. You are not. Had I given it more thought, I would have called you a scoundrel.” - Lloyd Alexander

37. “I thank God daily for the good fortune of my birth, for I am certain I would have made a miserable peasant.” - C.S. Forester

38. “Francesca took a navy blue sheath from a hanger and held it up. "This is darling, Gabriel. Don't you love it? You're right, I think we need to concentrate on much more feminine articles of clothing."He reached around her and fingered the soft material. "Where is the rest of it?" He was very serious, his dark eyes searching her face for signs she was teasing.” - Christine Feehan

39. “Envy is for people who don’t have the self-esteem to be jealous.” - Bauvard

40. “I threw an etiquette party and served nothing but beans and sparkling water. The topic of conversation was ‘excuse me’.” - Bauvard

41. “Personally, if I were trying to discourage people from smoking, my sign would be a little different. In fact, I might even go too far in the opposite direction. My sign would say something like, "Smoke if you wish. But if you do, be prepared for the following series of events: First, we will confiscate your cigarette and extinguish it somewhere on the surface of your skin. We will then run you nicotine-stained fingers through a paper shredder and throw them into the street, where wild dogs will swallow them and then regurgitate them into the sewers, so that infected rats can further soil them before they're flushed out to sea with the rest of the city's filth. After such time, we will sysematically seek out your friends and loved one and destroy their lives."Wouldn't you like to see a sign like that?” - George Carlin

42. “Only love will attract love.”~ Amunhotep El Bey” - Amunhotep El Bey

43. “Life is too short to dance with ugly men” - Christina Dodd

44. “Tell the Queen that there's been a robin red-breast hanging about Kotir grounds. It flies down low and vanishes near the floor. Cludd thinks it might be something to do with those woodlanders. Now, I'm to say nothing to Fortunata or Ashleg...'I must tell the Queen that a robin has seen Cludd hanging about. No, that's not right. I must tellt he robin taht Cludd has been hanging the Queen.” - Brian Jacques

45. “Best friends one, and now we have almost nothing to say to each other. It was interesting, how he had joined those guys and I just stayed on my own. I didn't like it or dislike it. It was just funny that things had turned out that way.” - Markus Zusak

46. “Why does everyone have to pretend to be stupid and not know long words?” - Martin Freeman

47. “This is no time for drinking a mug of water - which you would do nowhere else in the world. A mug of water! You just don't drink water from mugs, do ya? Except on the telly. Water out of a mug! Should be a hot drink... mug of water.” - Russell Brand

48. “Simon!" Clary shouted, and seized his arm. "What?" Simon looked alarmed."I'm not really sleeping with your mom, you know. I was just trying to get your attention. Not that your mom isn't a very attractive woman, for her age.” - Cassandra Clare

49. “I’m trying to decide whether to tell you two to get a room or go barf in the trash can,” Emma said. “I’m leaning toward the second choice. You are both getting way too weird. And gross.”Cal barked out a laugh and slid his fingers down my arm to entwine with mine. His touch, and Emma’s comments, only made me blush more. Looks like Emma saw Cal lick my face after all. Now that wasn’t awkward or anything.” - E.J. Stevens

50. “Now that we know you're not a hundred percent vampire you should stop trying to suck necks," I said to Ziggy."I'll try," Ziggy said, "but it's a hard habit to break.” - Janet Evanovich

51. “How in the world do you tellyour wife that her mother was born a unicon?” - Bruce Coville

52. “...You see I believe in that stuff to: yoga and mystical powers. I once knew a man who could kill himself on command. Can you believe that? . . . Why do you laugh? . . . Believe it! By will of his own mind, he could make his heart stop beating for good' My neighbor poised and looked seriously at me, searching in my eyes. '...You laugh!' he repeated once more… 'You laugh, but he was a master at it! He could commit suicide at his own will!' Indeed, hearty laughter streamed through my nose. 'Could he do it perpetually?' I asked. 'Perpetually...?' My neighbor rubbed his waxy chin. 'I mean, is he still able to do it?' 'I’m not sure I understand.' 'Well? Then is he dead…?!'My neighbor's puzzled face slowly began to transform into a look of realization. 'But sir,' he said, 'Of course he’s dead! I mean to say... this man could kill himself on command, you see. And you don’t come back from the dead!' The two of us found ourselves crossing to the door so I could let my visitor out. I slapped him with friendliness on the shoulder. 'No, you don’t come back from the dead,' I agreed.” - Roman Payne

53. “Still, the painful death of that unicorn had been satisfying to watch” - Bruce Coville

54. “Where did you meet?” he pressed on.I shrugged and considered a little rephrasing. “I was out for a run.”“From who?”I leaned back to take a long, very long, slow sip of that beer.Knox leaned forward. “I think we’re both bullsh*tting here, you ever play that card game?”“With my grandma, every Sunday after church.” - Dannika Dark

55. “You’re not the only one in this relationship who loves achallenge,” he says. “And just so you know for the future, I like my double-chocolate chipcookies warm and soft in the middle . . . and without magnets glued to them.” - Simone Elkeles

56. “It means you got your glow on." He smiled, hovering right alongside me. "It means you're on your way.” - Alyson Noel

57. “Are you scared of going in to see the raghnaid [the council]?” asked a gray female pup. “Are you cag mag [crazy]? If a bear was his Milk Giver, you think he’s scared of the raghnaid?” - Kathryn Lasky

58. “There is a funny story I always tell my students...when I came for the first time to the US. I didn’t speak English (Only Spanish) & I saw on every door the word “exit” which in Spanish means Success = Exito. And then I said :”No wonder Americans are winners ,every door they take leads to success” ~smile :)” - Pablo

59. “All I can do is look at him. Up close, I get a better view; there's no denying the fact he is really, really good-looking, in this rakish, edgy, badass, I-just-rolled-out-of-bed-and-screw-you-I-don't-need-a-mirror kind of way.” - Hannah Harrington

60. “Gdje su moja ljudska prava? Zašto se ne bih seksala jednom godišnje, ako mi to odgovara? Gdje je moje pravo da urlam po cesti, dečki, ne zanimate me više, aleluja, aleluja? Zašto se mi udane žene do smrti moramo jebati s našim muževima?""Smirite se," rekla sam i zatvorila vrata. "Ako vam je sa mužem prenaporno, možete se rastati.""Zašto? Ja volim svoga muža, on je krasan čovjek. Uspješan, čist, pere se svakog dana što većina muškaraca ne čini, kad nakon njega uđeš u zahod ne treba ti gas-maska. I što me još ubija, svake večeri mi u krevetu čita Krležu, da nije njega nikad ne bih čula za Krležu..."Dotaknula sam joj rame. "Volite Krležu?""Ne.""Pa zašto vam onda u krevetu čita Krležu?""O tome vam govorim, radi što ga volja, jebe me kad mu padne na pamet i čita Krležu na sav glas.” - Vedrana Rudan

61. “Mia bows dramatically. “Welcome, kind Sir. Princess Mia has been awaiting your presence.” - K.A. Tucker

62. “You have terminated me,” one of them said in a strange, flat voice. “But Iam one of many.”“Robots!” Iggy breathed, taking Total from Angel.“One of many, one of many, one of many,” the robot Eraser was saying. NowNudge saw the red light in its eyes, saw how they were fading and winking out.“Good!” spat the Gasman, kicking it hard. “Because we like to blow stuff up,blow stuff up, blow stuff up!” - James Patterson

63. “Offstage, I couldn't put things into words, and that was the one thing I'd always been able to rely on. Putting my feelings into words and praying they wouldn't be able to get out again.” - Carrie Fisher

64. “You guys are weird," Tori said.Simon sat on the crate beside me. "That's right. We are totally weird and completely uncool. Your popularity is plummeting just by being near us.” - Kelley Armstrong

65. “After climbing off his bike, I smacked his shoulder. “Did you forget I was with you? Are you trying to get me killed?”“It’s hard to forget you’re behind me when your thighs are squeezing the life out of me.” A smirk came with his next thought. “I couldn’t think of a better way to die, actually.”“There is something very wrong with you.” - Jamie McGuire

66. “He watched me rake my fingers through the tangles in my hair and smiled. “Quit it. You’re fucking beautiful.”“Just point me to the nearest eighties rock video,” I said.” - Jamie McGuire

67. “Don’t lick the guests, darling. Bad manners.” - Patricia Briggs

68. “If looks could kill...well, Dick was already dead, so nothing would happen. But Gabriel was not laughing."See Dick," Dick said, pointing at his chest. He then swept his hand dangerously close to mind. "Jane. Dick and Jane. Come on, you humorless jackass. That's funny.” - Molly Harper

69. “A brick could create a clear winner in a fight if instead of fighting pillows against blankets, you fought bricks against blankets.” - Amy Riekhof

70. “Instead of putting flowers in books to flatten them you can use a brick.” - Nicole McKay

71. “Instead of stocks investors should invest in blankets, that way they’ll at least have something to keep them warm after they’ve lost all their money when the company goes under.” - Amy Riekhof

72. “I kind of think that everyone who disagrees with me is wrong.” - John Green

73. “His knives are nice. Mine is better.” - C.J. Redwine

74. “. . . these errand-boys and furtive and fugitive girls who, ignoring their doom, look in at shop windows? But I am aware of our ephemeral passage.” - Virginia Woolf

75. “Gohan...Is that sunburn or are you blushing?” - Akira Toriyama

76. “Amy Curry," I could still hear him intoning, "never end a sentence with a preposition!" Irked that after six years he was still mentally correcting me, I told the Mr. Collins in my head to off fuck.” - Morgan Matson

77. “Boys,” Lindsay agreed, nodding. “What doesn't get lost in translation?”“Things with the letter X in front of them,” Rachel posited. “Like X-Box. And X-rated movies.” - Nenia Campbell

78. “That much sexual tension makes me want to hump a phone pole, and that’s just not attractive in a pregnant woman.” - Amy Lane

79. “The most important thing to remember is that the safe word is for the client; you bring mace.” - Isa K.

80. “I winced. I just said "creamed." I felt so deprived and miserably virginal.” - Hayden Thorne

81. “I'll take these," Danny said, reaching for the bouquet. Just as Kevin was holding them out – and still trying to keep the chocolates from slipping out from under his arm – a flash went off."I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" Danny's mother apologized, "I just HAD to! It's so CUTE! I'll be going now. I'm going to… clean up the kitchen. I'm sorry! You boys carry on!" she retreated backwards down the hallway, camera still in hand. They could still hear her as she turned the corner, "So CUTE! Oh my GAWD!"Danny said sheepishly, "Sorry about that.""Dude... Your mother is...""You have no idea. Uhm, I'll take care of these. Maybe you'd better head on up to my room. Like, before she comes back…” - Failte

82. “In any given situation there will always be more dumb people than smart people. We ain't many!” - Ken Kesey

83. “Two seconds later, the sound of an alarm filled my ears. ''What did you do?'' I said over the noise as he backed up towards the bathroom door. ''The girl who gave you the note?''''Yes...''''I caught her staring at my lighter.''I blinked. ''You gave a child, in a psych ward , a lighter?''His eyes crinkled at the corners. ''She seemed trustworthy.''''You're sick,'' I said, but smiled.''Hey, nobody's perfect. '' Noah smiled back.” - Michelle Hodkin

84. “Instead of heading for a big mental breakdown, I decided to have a small breakdown every Tuesday evening.” - Graham Parke

85. “Jared was completely gone now, holding his stomach and laughing so hard that tears were running down his face. Matt turned on him and snapped, "It's not funny," which only made Jared laugh harder."Any of you guys strict about top or bottom?" Angelo asked, "'Cause if so, you'll screw it all up-""Literally," Cole said."And we'll have to start all over." Angelo turned to Matt. "If you got a strong preference you better say so now.""Lay it all out, so to speak," Cole said."On the table." Angelo said."For all to see.""Zach does like to watch," Angelo said, winking at me, and I was relieved that with the direction the conversation was going, nobody took him seriously."Then it's settled!" Cole said. "Who's going where with whom first? Zach, I think you're up." He winked at me. "Or you soon will be.""Oh dear God," Mat moaned, hanging his head. "I knew I shouldn't have come.""Don't worry about it a bit," Cole said. "I'm sure Zach can coax at least one more out of you."Jared laughed so hard, I was amazed he managed to stay in his chair.” - Marie Sexton

86. “I've done tangos with men who thought my ass was a squeaky toy.” - Seanan McGuire

87. “At that point in time, there were three things in life that I knew for certain: (1) I was a girl who’d never met a site she couldn’t hack or a code she couldn’t break, (2) I had a roundhouse that could put a grown man in the hospital, and (3) I would without question chop off my own hands before I’d come within five feet of a pom-pom” - Jennifer Lynn Barnes

88. “Popatrz jeno. Kościół, karczma, bordel, a w środku między nimi kupa gówna. Oto parabola ludzkiego żywota.” - Andrzej Sapkowski