89 Absurd And Hilarious Quotes

If you've ever found yourself in need of a good laugh or a fresh perspective, you're in the right place. Welcome to a world where wit intersects with whimsy and the absurd becomes hilariously insightful. We've gathered a selection of 89 quotes that promise to tickle your funny bone while also offering unexpected wisdom. These quotes, drawn from the minds of comedians, authors, and thinkers, showcase the art of finding humor in the most bizarre corners of life. So, get ready to chuckle, ponder, and share these gems with friends for a much-needed dose of levity.

1. “It's a match made in heaven...by a retarded angel.” - Woody Allen

2. “To you, I'm an atheist.To God, I'm the loyal opposition.” - Woody Allen

3. “I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.” - Woody Allen

4. “I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.” - Woody Allen

5. “Please forgive me. My pedicurist had a stroke. She fell forward onto the orange stick and plunged it into my toe. It required bandaging.” - Woody Allen

6. “Honey, you're the one who stopped sleeping with me, OK?It'll be a year come April 20th. I remember the date exactly, because it was Hitler's birthday” - Woody Allen

7. “I came home one night, some month ago, and I went to the closet in my bedroom...and a moth ate my sports jacket. He was laying on the floor, nauseous, y'know.” - Woody Allen

8. “A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men. I have the strength of one small boy... with polio.” - Woody Allen

9. “[Waiting for Godot] has achieved a theoretical impossibility—a play in which nothing happens, that yet keeps audiences glued to their seats. What's more, since the second act is a subtly different reprise of the first, he has written a play in which nothing happens, twice.” - Vivian Mercier

10. “Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.” - Garrison Keillor

11. “A First Sign of the Beginning of Understanding is the Wish to Die.” - Franz Kafka

12. “It's a beautiful thing, the destruction of words.” - George Orwell

13. “Everything not forbidden is compulsory” - T.H. White

14. “A man is an angel that has gone deranged.” - Philip K. Dick

15. “More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.” - Woody Allen

16. “The most preposterous notion that Homo sapiens has ever dreamed up is that the Lord God of Creation, Shaper and Ruler of all the Universes, wants the saccharine adoration of His creatures, can be swayed by their prayers, and becomes petulant if He does not receive this flattery. Yet this absurd fantasy, without a shred of evidence to bolster it, pays all the expenses of the oldest, largest, and least productive industry in all history.” - Robert A. Heinlein

17. “HOBBES:All this modern technology just makes people try to do everything at once.” - Bill Watterson

18. “I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” - Jon Stewart

19. “No! Please! I'll tell you whatever you want to know!" the man yelled. "Really?" said Vimes. "What's the orbital velocity of the moon?""What?""Oh, you'd like something simpler?” - Terry Pratchett

20. “Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future.” - Niels Bohr

21. “Children and dogs are the messengers of God some of us do not deserve them” - Ginnetta Correli

22. “They haven't left us much to believe in, have they?--even disbelief. I can't believe in anything bigger than a home or vaguer than a human being.” - Graham Greene

23. “I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate...eh...spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.” - Woody Allen

24. “I was the captain of the latent paranoid softball team. We used to play all the neurotics on sunday morning. Nailbiters against the bedwetters, and if you've never seen neurotics play softball, it's really funny. I used to steal second base, and feel guilty and go back.” - Woody Allen

25. “The fact would seem to be, if in my situation one may speak of facts, not only that I shall have to speak of things of which I cannot speak, but also, which is even more interesting, but also that I, which is if possible even more interesting, that I shall have to, I forget, no matter. And at the same time I am obliged to speak. I shall never be silent. Never. ” - Samuel Beckett

26. “Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.” - Spike Milligan

27. “Money can't buy you friends, but you do get a better class of enemy. ” - Spike Milligan

28. “You know, Maude . . . somebody meeting you for the first time -- not knowing you were cracked -- might get the wrong impression of you.” - Preston Sturges

29. “This is the story of two men who met in a banana republic. One of them never did anything dishonest in his life except for one crazy minute. The other never did anything honest in his life except for one crazy minute. ” - Preston Sturges

30. “THE POLITICIANIf it wasn't for graft, you'd get a very low type of people in politics. Men without ambition. Jellyfish!CATHERINEEspecially since you can't rob the people anyway.THE POLITICIANSure...How was that?CATHERINEWhat you rob, you spend. And what you spend goes back to the people. So where's the robbery? I read that in one of my father's books.THE POLITICIANThat book should be in every home!” - Preston Sturges

31. “When I was a kid we had a sandbox. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child...eventually.” - Steven Wright

32. “Why, look at me. I've worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.” - Groucho Marx

33. “We're the new power, come to replace the old. Cameras in the head, children with microchips, spin doctors rewriting reality as it happens. ” - Grant Morrison

34. “Hello, I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. By true I mean false. It's all lies. But they're entertaining lies and in the end, isn't that the truth?The answer is no.” - Leonard Nimoy

35. “Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?” - Steven Wright

36. “Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.” - Yogi Berra

37. “Applaud my idiocy.” - Conan O'Brien

38. “When all else fails, there's always delusion.” - Conan O'Brien

39. “The humans are dead (I'm glad they are dead)The humans are dead (I noticed, they're dead)We used poisonous gases (With traces of lead)And we poisoned their asses (Actually, their lungs)Binary solo!0000001, 00000011000000111, 00001111!” - Flight of the Conchords

40. “2 minutes in heaven is better than 1 minute in heaven.” - Flight of the Conchords

41. “JEMAINELisa?BRETYes, she's in Delta Force. She's been deployed to Fallujah.JEMAINEBut she works in the croissant shop.BRETYeah, she's got two jobs. She's a pastry chef and a sniper.” - Flight of the Conchords

42. “Your self esteem is like a notch below Kafka's.” - Woody Allen

43. “When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.” - Steven Wright

44. “I smell blood and an era of prominent madmen.” - W.H. Auden

45. “If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.” - Steven Wright

46. “Take from the church the miraculous, the supernatural, the incomprehensible, the unreasonable, the impossible, the unknowable, the absurd, and nothing but a vacuum remains.” - Robert G. Ingersoll

47. “In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, 'Cut it out.'” - Steven Wright

48. “Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.” - Steven Wright

49. “If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.” - Steven Wright

50. “If at first the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it.” - Albert Einstein

51. “Absurdity is one of the most human things about us: a manifestation of our most advanced and interesting characteristics. ” - Thomas Nagel

52. “TEACHERNext. I am afraid --STUDENTI em afred --TEACHERWe are out --STUDENTWee are out --TEACHEROf badgers.STUDENTOf badjurs.TEACHERWould you accept --STUDENTWud you accept --TEACHERA wolverine --STUDENTA wolver-eene --TEACHERIn its place?” - Michael O'Donoghue

53. “I’m beginning to sense a theme,” Mircea said, tossing his suit coat over a buckskin-covered chair. A moose head with huge, outspread antlers loomed over it, its bright glass eyes looking oddly lifelike in the low light. Mircea took in the room, his expression slightly repulsed yet fascinated. “I believe there is only one thing to say at this point.”What’s that?”Yee haw,” he said gravely, and took me down like a rodeo calf.” - Karen Chance

54. “You want to cut down air pollution? Cut down the original source... Breathin'! ” - Walt Kelly

55. “Raining. Oh, brother, a scratch on the fender. Damn rabbi on his unicycle.Wait a minute, where are my car keys? Could have sworn I left them in this pocket. No, just some loose change and ticket stubs from the all-black version of Elaine Stritch’ s one-woman show.Did I check my desk? Better go back inside. What’s in the top drawer here? Hmm. Envelopes, my paper clips, a loaded revolver in case the tenant in 2A begins yodelling again.” - Woody Allen

56. “Absurdity and anti—absurdity are the two poles of creative energy.” - Karl Lagerfeld

57. “A partir do momento em que é reconhecido, o absurdo é uma paixão, a mais dilacerante de todas.” - Albert Camus

58. “- A pan czy wierzy w duchy - spytał prelegenta jeden ze słuchaczy.- Oczywiście, że nie - odparł prelegent, po czym z wolna rozpłynąłsię w powietrzu.” - Arkady Strugatsky

59. “Some who have read the book, or at any rate have reviewed it, have found it boring, absurd, or contemptible, and I have no cause to complain, since I have similar opinions of their works, or of the kinds of writing that they evidently prefer.” - J.R.R. Tolkien

60. “The teacher took two long strides and stood beside Parker’s desk. Before the boy could speak, Mr. Earl threw the desktop open. For a second, he stared into it. A white glow reflected off his face.“What is this?” he said, as he reached toward the brightness. “Careful, Mr. Earl,” Parker started to say, but it was too late.The teacher screeched before lurching against the desk. He went down quickly, his feet vanishing into the desk last.” - James van Pelt

61. “The doctrine that future happiness depends upon belief is monstrous. It is the infamy of infamies. The notion that faith in Christ is to be rewarded by an eternity of bliss, while a dependence upon reason, observation and experience merits everlasting pain, is too absurd for refutation, and can be relieved only by that unhappy mixture of insanity and ignorance, called 'faith.” - Robert Ingersoll

62. “You need to be clever to best him. Are you clever, Rachel?”Oh God. She wants to know if I’m clever. I glanced at Al, and he stared at me, then shrugged. Licking my lips, I said, “It’s the shiny pot that puts a hole in the sky.”Al’s mouth dropped open, but Newt thought about it, her expression thoughtful and her fingers finally leaving her knife. “Very true,” she said as she eased back into the cushions.With a soft click of his teeth, Al’s mouth shut. His eyes were cross, and he seemed peeved that I’d found a way to satisfy her without compromising myself at all.” - Kim Harrison

63. “No novelists any good except me. Sovietski -- yah! Nastikoff -- bah! I spit me of zem all. No novelists anywhere any good except me. P. G. Wodehouse and Tolstoi not bad. Not good, but not bad. No novelists any good except me.” - P.G. Wodehouse

64. “The phrase ‘popular science’ has in itself a touch of absurdity. That knowledge which is popular is not scientific.” - Maria Mitchell

65. “Robot BoyMr. an Mrs. Smith had a wonderful life.They were a normal, happy husband and wife.One day they got news that made Mr. Smith glad.Mrs. Smith would would be a momwhich would make him the dad!But something was wrong with their bundle of joy.It wasn't human at all,it was a robot boy!He wasn't warm and cuddlyand he didn't have skin.Instead there was a cold, thin layer of tin.There were wires and tubes sticking out of his head.He just lay there and stared,not living or dead.The only time he seemed alive at allwas with a long extension cordplugged into the wall.Mr. Smith yelled at the doctor,"What have you done to my boy?He's not flesh and blood,he's aluminum alloy!"The doctor said gently,"What I'm going to saywill sound pretty wild.But you're not the father of this strange looking child.You see, there still is some questionabout the child's gender,but we think that its fatheris a microwave blender."The Smith's lives were now filledwith misery and strife.Mrs. Smith hated her husband,and he hated his wife.He never forgave her unholy alliance:a sexual encounterwith a kitchen appliance.And Robot Boygrew to be a young man.Though he was often mistakenfor a garbage can.” - Tim Burton

66. “BRETShe looked like a Parisian river..JEMAINEWhat, dirty?BRETShe looked like a chocolate eclair..JEMAINEThat's rare.BRETHer eyes were reflections of eyes..JEMAINEOhh, nice.BRETAnd the rainbows danced in her hair..JEMAINEOh yea.BRETShe reminded me of a winter's morning..JEMAINEWhat, frigid?BRETHer perfume was Eau De Toilette..JEMAINEWhat's that mean?BRETShe was comparable to Cleopatra..JEMAINEQuite old?BRETShe was like Shakespeare's Juliet..JEMAINEWhat? 13?” - Flight of the Conchords

67. “I, Larry Vail, do hereby confessTo murdering Merry in her little dress.To strangling and raping and making a mess.To all of these charges the answer is yes.” - Rosalyn Drexler

68. “I've knitted myself a hat, it's plum red with an appealing lace pattern, I figured that a few air holes would be nice now that it's spring. I put it on and feel like a cranberry in the snow, and I wonder if they can see me from the moon. Me and the Great Wall.” - Kjersti A. Skomsvold

69. “Absurdity is the ecstasy of intellectualism.” - Criss Jami

70. “Humans are creatures, who spent their lifes trying to convince themselves, that their existence is not absurd” - Albert Camus

71. “Is my paranoia getting completely out of hand, or are you mongoloids really talking about me?” - John Kennedy Toole

72. “Don Severo dropped his fork, Doña Remedios nearly chocked, but Jesús carried on playing with his food. He’d never really liked broccoli.” - Olga Núñez Miret

73. “Flying is simple. Hitting the ground is hard” - Josh Stern

74. “A man from the Land of Fools wanted to pull down the clouds.'Why?' someone asked him.'To squeeze out the rain.” - Idries Shah

75. “What can you do with a person who says that he is absolutely uncertain about everything, and that he is absolutely certain about that?” - Idries Shah

76. “The only threesome I've ever experienced is with Pantene 2 in 1” - Josh Stern

77. “You see, I’ve heard of a man whose friend had been imprisoned and who slept on the floor of his room every night in order not to enjoy a comfort of which his friend had been deprived.” - Albert Camus

78. “A brick and a blanket together create a blick. That’s it. That’s all I got.” - Amy Riekhof

79. “Dating should really be more like furniture store commercials....I would love to' pay no interest for 6 months” - Josh Stern

80. “A watched pot never boils.... but it does develop paranoia” - Josh Stern

81. “Death is life's way of telling you, you've been recalled” - Josh Stern

82. “Everything is a drive-thru. You just have to aim really fast” - Josh Stern

83. “It's one thing if your hobby is to put ships inside a bottle, but a deer in the headlights!... That's a real talent” - Josh Stern

84. “Are you an evolutionist? I’m an absurdist, ma’am. But let’s suppose evolution is true; what about the monkeys today? Why can’t we see them evolving? Are they still evolving?” - Harrison Wheeler

85. “Never send a Man in to do a Donkey's job” - Josh Stern

86. “Long before the Theater of the Absurd, Woolrich discovered that an incomprehensible universe is best reflected in an incomprehensible story.("Introduction")” - Francis M. Nevins

87. “You'll never know what psychopathic heights you're capable of, just lying there on the sofa” - Josh Stern

88. “I love full on, like 65 mph in a handicapped parking spot.
” - Dark Jar Tin Zoo

89. “Dave? This is John. Your pimp says bring the heroin shipment tonight, or he'll be forced to stick you. meet him where we buried the Korean whore. The one without the goatee."That was code. It meant "Come to my place as soon as you can, it's important.” - David Wong