89 Dark Humor Quotes

Dark humor is a unique form of comedy that tiptoes on the fine line between humor and discomfort, often addressing topics that are typically considered taboo. For those who appreciate its audacity and wit, dark humor can provide a refreshing break from the mundane. Our curated collection of the top 89 dark humor quotes is designed to tickle your funny bone while making you ponder life's darker side. Whether you're a seasoned connoisseur of macabre wit or simply looking to explore this bold brand of humor, these quotes are sure to leave a lasting impression. Dive in, laugh out loud, and maybe even question your own sense of humor—it's all part of the charm.

1. “I've committed to nothing...and that's just suicide...by tiny, tiny increments.” - Nick Hornby

2. “RésuméRazors pain you,Rivers are damp,Acids stain you,And drugs cause cramp.Guns aren't lawful,Nooses give,Gas smells awful.You might as well live.” - Dorothy Parker

3. “One hand was behind his back, and he held it out, presenting a bouquet of white and smoky purple lilies. “They’re straight from the underworld, by the way. They are everlasting. They won’t die.” - Jess C. Scott

4. “There was nothing worse, Veppers thought, than a loser who’d made it. It was just part of the way things worked – part of the complexity of life, he supposed – that sometimes somebody who absolutely deserved nothing more than to be one of the down-trodden, the oppressed, the dregs of society, lucked out into a position of wealth, power and admiration. At least people who were natural winners knew how to carry themselves in their pomp, whether their ascendancy had come through the luck of being born rich and powerful or the luck of being born ambitious and capable. Losers who’d made it always let the side down. Veppers was all for arrogance – he possessed the quality in full measure himself, as he’d often been informed – but it had to be deserved, you had to have worked for it. Or at the very least, an ancestor had to have worked for it. Arrogance without cause, arrogance without achievement – or that mistook sheer luck for true achievement – was an abomination. Losers made everybody look bad. Worse, they made the whole thing – the great game that was life – appear arbitrary, almost meaningless. Their only use, Veppers had long since decided, was as examples to be held up to those who complained about their lack of status or money or control over their lives: look, if this idiot can achieve something, so can anybody, so can you. So stop whining about being exploited and work harder. Still, at least individual losers were quite obviously statistical freaks. You could allow for that, you could tolerate that, albeit with gritted teeth. What he would not have believed was that you could find an entire society – an entire civilization– of losers who’d made it.” - Iain M. Banks

5. “Palestinian and Israeli leaders finally recover the Road Map to Peace, only to discover that, while they were looking for it, the Lug Nuts of Mutual Interest came off the Front Left Wheel of Accommodation, causing the Sport Utility Vehicle of Progress to crash into the Ditch of Despair.” - Dave Barry

6. “The general plot of life is sometimes shaped by the different ways genuine intelligence combines with equally genuine ignorance.” - Lucy Grealy

7. “Nothing can unman you like an un-man.” - Chuck Hogan

8. “The right hand doesn’t know what the left is doing” is a phrase that refers to times when people ought to know, but don’t know, about something that is happening very close to them. For instance, you ought to know about the man who watches you when you sleep.” - Lemony Snicket

9. “Man makes plans . . . and God laughs.” - Michael Chabon

10. “Sir, come quick. They've found a body in the canal."I blew out my breath. Saved by the corpse....The corpse in question was Nigel Nicabar. The watchers had collected the bodies found in Nigel's house, garden, and canal, and put them in the greenhouse located at the back of the garden. The necromancer's talents weren't with living things, so the greenhouse's tables were pretty much empty - at least of plants. Dead goblins lay under sheets and tarps. I couldn't help feeling that Nigel would have approved. What he wouldn't have approved of was being included among them. Nigel wouldn't have been caught dead surrounded by goblins, yet that's exactly how and where he was. I don't think he would have appreciated the irony.” - Lisa Shearin

11. “I am not shy about admitting my modest talents. For example, I am happy to admit that I am better than average at clever remarks, and I also have a flair for getting people to like me. But to be perfectly fair to myself, I am ever-ready to confess my shortcomings, too, and a quick round of soul-searching forced me to admit that I had never been any good at all at breathing water. As I hung there from the seat belt, dazed and watching the water pour in and swirl around my head, this began to seem like a very large character flaw.” - Jeff Lindsay

12. “I persuaded him to throw the dirk away; and it was as easy as persuading a child to give up some bright fresh new way of killing itself.” - Mark Twain

13. “What’s life in this nation? Collect emptiness in a household of cornflakes. Transient fuel gobbles attention, the television aches, the truth walks. Scheme worms welcome your corpse, trap clicks and you’re in heaven, bored rigid” - steve aylett

14. “Do I look like a shallow Summer girl to you?' She tossed her silver hair, offended. 'I’m a Winter Court royal. I kill silly Summer flowerlets with frost when I yawn.” - Vicki Keire

15. “I was very strict on that point. No devouring classmates." Jeremy rolled his eyes. "Other parents warn their kids not to talk to strangers. I had to warn mine not to eat them.” - Kelley Armstrong

16. “A good friend will help you plant your tulips. A great friend will help you plant a gun on the unarmed intruder you just shot.” - Brian P. Cleary

17. “You have the effrontery to be squeamish, it thought at him. But we were dragons. We were supposed to be cruel, cunning, heartless and terrible. But this much I can tell you, you ape – the great face pressed even closer, so that Wonse was staring into the pitiless depths of his eyes – we never burned and tortured and ripped one another apart and called it morality.” - Terry Pratchett

18. “Some things just scrape my spine!” - Brick Marlin

19. “However, for all his affection and loyalty towards the animal, the dog would soon be leaving him - they would both be present at a celebratory dinner when they reached the roof, he reflected with a touch of gallows-humour, but the poodle would be in the pot.” - J.G. Ballard

20. “Mr Cjelli, nice to see you back, sir. Sorry you had a spot of bother, hope that's all behind you now.""Indeed, Bill, it is. You find me thriving. And Mrs Roberts? How is she? Foot still troubling her?""Not since she had it off, thanks for asking, sir. Between you and me, sir, I would've been just as happy to have had her amputated and kept the foot. I had a little spot reserved on the mantelpiece, but there we are, we have to take things as we find them."(...)"...thank you, and my best to what remains of Mrs Roberts.” - Douglas Adams

21. “He took a long draw then asked, “What’d I do?”“You knew about the guy threatening my dad?”He paused, shifted in his chair, so freaking busted, it wasn’t funny. “They told you?”“Why, no, Swopes, they didn’t. Instead, they waited until the guy knocked the fuck out of my dad and readied him for spaceflight with duct tape then tried to kill me with a butcher’s knife.” - Darynda Jones

22. “Let me make sure I have this straight. The cavalry just now rode into town and it's a Czech Gypsy porn-star zombie killer. Have I got that right?” - Richard Kadrey

23. “A difference in self loathing? Please. The only difference between a gun and a rope is the time it takes to tie the knot.” - Justine Larbalestier

24. “I am often thought of as being remarkably bright, and yet my brains, more often than not, are busily devising new and interesting ways of bringing my enemies to sudden, gagging, writhing, agonizing death.” - Alan Bradley

25. “I try to keep in mind” I recite dryly as I run the front sight of my pistol over his face, “that my life is only as significant, as I am to the lives of others.”He’s sobbing and won’t look up from the floor so I lean close to his ear and ask softly, “Would you say that I’m significant to your life?” - Dennis Sharpe

26. “For 3 million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person. (on Margaret Thatcher)” - Frankie Boyle

27. “The rest of us can find happiness in misery.” - Fall Out Boy

28. “All I did was offer to kill your dog, and the next thing I know I’m being judged.” - Tom Upton

29. “You have to figure that there is something seriously wrong with somebody who wants to enter a profession that deals with whether people are screwing enough. Dealing with spirits, spooks, and demons almost seemed normal.” - Tom Upton

30. “So I heard the boom of my father's rifle when he shot my best friend. A bullet only costs about two cents, and anybody can afford that.” - Sherman Alexie

31. “[Or perhaps my friends should have realized that they shouldn't have left behind the FRICKING REASON FOR THEIR PROTEST!And that thought just cracked me up.]It was like my friends had walked over the backs of baby seals in order to get to the beach where they could protest against the slaughter of baby seals.” - Sherman Alexie

32. “Loop, you shot him in the head... Fuck yeah he dead.” - Brian Azzarello

33. “Love is a madness. Love is Failer - Durzo Blint” - Brent Weeks

34. “Relationships are ropes. Love is a noose. - Durzo Blint” - Brent Weeks

35. “It doesn’t matter what other people think when you’re right - John Cleaver” - Dan Wells

36. “Sow a thought and reap an action, sow an action and reap a habit, sow a habit and reap a destiny - John Cleaver” - Dan Wells

37. “A man’s greatest treasures are his illusions - Durzo Blint” - Brent Weeks

38. “Your Majesty,” Durzo said gravely. “A man of your stature’s cursing vocabulary ought to extend beyond a tedious reiteration of the excreta that fills the void between his ears.” - Durzo Blint” - Brent Weeks

39. “Life's a grave dig it.” - K.R. Helms

40. “It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it's fun and games you can't see anymore.” - James Hetfield

41. “I yank open the cutlery drawer to be confronted with an anomaly worse than emails from dead people or a man with a gun sitting on my bed. It's a large carving knife with a viciously serrated edge and two broken teeth. It's tarnished with rust. It's not mine. And neither is the china figurine of a kitten with one paw playfully raised, also stained with rust. But it's not rust. It's not rust at all. Perversely, the thought that flashes through my brain is "I can haz murder weapon?" I laugh out loud, a sobbing hiccup.” - Lauren Beukes

42. “Jaz is their drummer. He’s pretty damn good too. Hell, he’s pretty damn good at everything he’s ever tried. Creative little shit.” - Lissa Matthews

43. “Bomb', Reyes said, not bothering to look up.'One of ours?' Maddox insisted...'Hardly. I know better than to blow myself up,' Reyes sighed.” - Gena Showalter

44. “Stridey-Man' asked, Want 2 vacay w/me?William snorted as he typed. Romantic getaway for 2? UR not my type, dickwad.Fuck U. i'm everybody's types. So U in or out?Last chance in or out?InKnew U couldn't resist me. B ready in 5.Right on. Make it 10. I want 2 style my hair for U. U know, just how U like it.ASSHOLE.” - Gena Showalter

45. “I tell you, little man, life's fall guys, beaten, fleeced to the bone, sweated from time immemorial, I warn you, that when the princes of this world start loving you, it means they're going to grind you up into battle sausage...” - Louis-Ferdinand Celine

46. “Nearly all a poor bastard's desires are punishable by jail.” - Louis-Ferdinand Celine

47. “I learned that it's okay to feel the way I do: that my life has no meaning unless I have a boyfriend. A real man is like the perfect vampire-boy and all the perfect guys in Twue Wuv.” - Jess C. Scott

48. “People are sheep. TV is the shepherd.” - Jess C. Scott

49. “What's the whole point of being pretty on the outside when you’re so ugly on the inside?” - Jess C. Scott

50. “You may be married to a star, but that doesn't mean they'll treat you like one.” - Jess C. Scott

51. “Alice is fictional. This isn't.” - Jess C. Scott

52. “It took me a moment. I blinked, and suddenly it swam into focus and I had to frown very hard to keep myself from giggling out loud like the schoolgirl Deb had accused me of being. Because he had arranged the arms and legs in letters, and the letters spelled out a single small word: BOO. The three torsos were carefully arranged below the BOO in a quarter-circle, making a cute little Halloween smile. What a scamp.” - Jeff Lindsay

53. “It's better to be loved than feared, but if you can't be loved, then fear will do.-Dino quoting Machiavelli” - Laurell K. Hamilton

54. “I love the movie "Titanic." It's my favorite romantic comedy!” - Troy Bisson

55. “I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.” - Nick Helm

56. “Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.” - Tim Vine

57. “Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought...once you've hired the car...” - Tim Key

58. “I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails.” - Andrew Lawrence

59. “My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin.” - DeAnne Smith

60. “While art thrives on the blazing colours of scandal, literature blossoms on the dark soil of tragedy.” - E.A. Bucchianeri

61. “When your past shows up to haunt you, make sure it comes after supper so it doesn't ruin your whole day.” - Jay Wickre

62. “Please, please be some sex-starved nutcase who wants to kidnap me and make me your love slave, I begged silently.” - Cate Tiernan

63. “Shut up,” I snapped. “This is not the time. What part of this situation seems like a joke to you?”Lohka pulled up his knees, giving a feeble, half-manic little laugh. “Oh, maybe just the idea that some soul-devouring being of chaos could be waiting anywhere to finish destroying my life,” he said. “That’s kind of hilarious, you know. Have you ever had a soul-devouring being of chaos hunting you down so it could finish eating you?”“No,” I said. “I’m sorry, Lohka.”“That’s nice,” he muttered.“What about the part where this soul-devouring being of chaos seems to have a taste for me at the moment?” Zhabyr asked. “Can we worry about that, now? Because I kind of already am.” - J. Leigh Bralick

64. “When you look for these support groups, they all have vague upbeat names. My Thursday evening group for blood parasites, it's called Free and Clear.” - Chuck Palahniuk

65. “Thomas had a depressing - and scary - thought. 'Am I . . . replacing someone? Did somebody get killed?'Minho shook his head. 'No, we're just training you - someone'll want a break. Don't worry, it's been a while since a Runner was killed.'For some reason that last statement worried Thomas, though he hoped it didn't show on his face.” - James Dashner

66. “Dennis, please. I don't know what-""Shut the fuck up, and stop playing me for an idiot. And secondly, and more importantly, I've unearthed some disturbing information about you which I want to discuss in more detail before I fill you with holes.” - Simon Kernick

67. “Are you entirely sure of that knot?' asked Morveer. 'There is no place in the plan for a lengthy drop'.'Twenty-eight strides', said Friendly.'What?''The drop'.A brief pause, 'That is not helpful'.” - Joe Abercrombie

68. “... a man doesn't like to have his ego popped, especially when he prides himself on his sagacity, and then to be proved wrong by a man who claims he doesn't know anything.” - E.A. Bucchianeri

69. “No, I’m not shy." I folded my arms across my shell-covered chest. The press of the hard material against my sensitive nipples caused my core to tighten. “But I usually have to buy a girl a couple of drinks in order to be treated to a show like that.”She turned to look at me, the fringe on her dress swaying with her movement. A thin eyebrow arched, her cherry lips pulled into a dazzling smile. “Well.” The intensity locked in her bright eyes as her green gaze moved from my head to my toes and back again made my entire body tingle. “I guess you owe me a drink, Meghan.” - Elizabeth Morgan

70. “When I arrived the News was three years old and Ed Lotterman was on the verge of a breakdown. To hear him talk you would think he'd been sitting at the very cross-corners of the earth, seeing himself as a combination of God, Pulitzer and the Salvation Army. He often swore that if all the people who had worked for the paper in those years could appear at one time before the throne of The Almighty--if they all stood there and recited their histories and their quirks and their crimes and their deviations--there was no doubt in his mind that God himself would fall down in a swoon and tear his hair.” - Hunter S. Thompson

71. “Lastly, say to me, if you can, with feelings as tender as mine for you: my dear Beelzebub, I adore you...” - Jacques Cazotte

72. “But I didn't want to be anyone's green card ticket, meal ticket, cook, washing lady, housemaid, personal masseuse, baby machine, regularly-scheduled-hole in the mattress. Only to end up dead, discarded, buried in a ditch somewhere, dumped into the big, blue sea, all used up.Boys should just stay home and fuck their mothers.” - Angela S. Choi

73. “I wonder if I could eat a child if I had the chance.''I doubt if I could cook one,' said Constance.” - Shirley Jackson

74. “There are fears that Britain could be facing a double-dip recession, or worse still, a double-dip with misery sprinkles and fuck-where's-my-job-sauce.” - Frankie Boyle

75. “Ah, yes- 'God is love' and all that rot. Tell me, have you ever really stopped to think about what that means? Love is cruel. Love is vicious. Love inspires people to kill, to maim, to torture. Love ruins lives, fells cities, destroys civilizations. If you ask me, love's not all it's cracked up to be. But then, you shouldn't have to ask me - you should only have to reflect on where love has gotten you." - Lilith” - Chris F. Holm

76. “He sits next to me, careful to avoid my hair that's splayed out around my head like blood. A bullet to the forehead, boom, blond waves everywhere.” - Lauren DeStefano

77. “An ordinary man can enjoy breakfasting on juice and rye bread.But when you are underfed, scorned, miserable or just plain bored, you don’t want to eat dull wholesome food.You want something a little more colourful, exciting, tastier, meatier and juicier.” - R.S. Vern

78. “There is a moment of sheer panic when I realize that Paul's apartment overlooks the park... and is obviously more expensive than mine.” - Patrick Bateman

79. “We’re all under the streetlamps, everyone’s the color of day-old piss. When I’m fifty, this is how I’ll remember my friends: tired and yellow and drunk.” - Junot Diaz

80. “The world had been divided into two parts that sought to annihilate each other because they both desired the same thing, namely the liberation of the oppressed, the elimination of violence, and the establishment of permanent peace.” - Hermann Hesse

81. “Now, I did know a certain young lady of the 'romantic' generation of not so long ago who, after being mysteriously in love for several years with a certain gentleman whom she could have married at any time without the least difficulty, suddenly broke off their relationship, inventing for herself all manner of insurmountable obstacles, and one stormy night plunged from a high, precipitous cliff into a fairly deep and fast-flowing river, where she perished from her own caprice solely through her attempt to imitate Shakespeare's Ophelia, for, had the precipice, which she had long before singled out and been compulsively drawn to, been less picturesque, and had there been only a prosaically flat bank in its stead, perhaps there would have been no suicide at all.” - Fyodor Dostoyevsky

82. “Where d'you get the knife?" He wished he had one."He gave it to me." There was a crumpled shape in the shadows by the wall, the matting all around soaked with dark blood. "This way.” - Joe Abercrombie

83. “AK 47, is perfect copy, yes? Every detail. Like real thing. Yes. Kalashnikov. Your boy, he be happy for Uncle Sante, no?”“I’m sorry, Sante. It’s really nice of you, but I don’t want Sofus playing with guns.”Conversation between George Hanson and SanteIn The Shadow of Sadd” - Steen Langstrup

84. “(Eve)"Hold on. You have to give them a gift for moving?""Uh-huh. Plus they're shacking, so it should be a couple thing." She (Mavis) ate another canape, fed on to Leonardo."Why does there have to be a gift for every damn thing?" Eve complained."Retail conspiracy." Roarke patter her knee. "I bet it is," Eve said darkly. "I just bet it is.” - J.D. Robb

85. “Well, fame is a drug and when you take it away from an addict, things can get ugly.” - Melissa Jo Peltier

86. “Today’s generation didn’t want to watch ancient actors reciting the same tired lines. They wanted to see themselves reflected onscreen –rude, raw, entitled. These kids needed to believe that they themselves were only one daring, controversial act away from being up on that screen themselves. ” - Melissa Jo Peltier

87. “Don't tell me it's going to fucking be okay! I am not okay with being that fucker's pinata!” - Nenia Campbell

88. “What would it be like to exist in a world without suffering? To have no needs, only desires? To be surrounded by so much beauty that you forget how ugly life is for everyone else? Who wouldn’t want that? Who wouldn’t be willing to fight for it? What the alumni did to get there – lie, cheat, steal, kill – I’m sure they’d all say it was worth it. And I bet they sleep soundly because they know that their nameless, faceless victims would have done the same thing.” - Kirsten Miller

89. “A million dollars? A bit much don't you think?""Fuck you." Caleb smiled, the self indulgent little shit. "My apologies," he mocked with a slight forward bow, "What I meant to say is: no pussy's that good. Though yours does come close.” - CJ Roberts