89 Humorous Quotations And Quotes

In a world that's often filled with challenges and stresses, a good laugh can be the perfect remedy to lift your spirits. Humor not only lightens the mood, but it also has a unique power to connect us through shared moments of joy and amusement. That's why we've gathered a selection of the top 89 humorous quotations and quotes, designed to bring a smile to your face and maybe even a chuckle or two. Whether you're looking for a witty comeback, a sprinkle of levity for your day, or simply a moment of mirth, these quotes are sure to tickle your funny bone. So, sit back, relax, and prepare to be amused by this delightful compilation of humor at its finest.

1. “I'm an American, our names don't mean shit.” - Quentin Tarantino

2. “Blast ignorant people with high-powered streams of information and wisdom, but only when fire hoses are not readily available.” - Cassandra Duffy

3. “99% of all problems can be solved by money -- and for the other 1% there's alcohol.” - Quentin R. Bufogle

4. “Have you ever noticed that folks will say ‘Look, he has his mama’s eyes’ or ‘his daddy’s nose,’ but they never say ‘We’re so proud! Look! He’s hung just like grampa’?” - Zach McKnight” - Suzie Quint

5. “A Prince asked the dying spanish statesman, "Does your Excellency forgive all your enemies?" "I do not have to forgive all my enemies," answered the stateman, "I have had them all shot.” - Robert Greene

6. “We lost Klimmt, Schiele and Moll” - George Pratt

7. “Just to keep the bad dreams at bay, she took a swig out of a bottle that smelled of apples and happy brain-death.” - Terry Pratchett

8. “Somebody has to be sane during regular business hours, and it's not going to be me, missy.” - Darynda Jones

9. “Carrie Fay always says that nothing is really horrible unless it eats away your face.” - Katie MacAlister

10. “I'm half good and I'm half bad. My mama is a very good girl and my daddy is a very bad boy. And I guess that leaves me somewhere sort of...here.” - C. JoyBell C.

11. “The truckers are staring," I said after a few seconds.It was true. They were. The whole row of them was doing a bad job of pretending not to look at us. "We just got engaged," Lucy shouted over to them. "I just asked this man to be my wife."The men at the counter traded confused looks. I burst out laughing. "We're glad you and your ass cracks could share this moment with us," she went on. "Seriously. We really are. Those are serious cracks and this is a serious moment.” - Nick Burd

12. “Wow,” says Peter, “when your guidance counselor tells you to die, you really have problems.” - Adam Selzer

13. “What is it you’re interested in exactly?” the man askedslowly. “Just the color?”“I think we both know,” said Adrian cunningly. “I want thecolor. I want the ‘bonus effects.’ And I want it to lookbadass. You probably can’t even do the design I want.”“That’s the least of your worries,” said the guy. “I’ve beendoing this for years. I can draw anything you want.”“Yeah? Can you draw a skeleton riding a motorcycle withflames coming out of it? And I want a pirate hat on theskeleton. And a parrot on his shoulder. A skeleton parrot.Or maybe a ninja skeleton parrot? No, that would beoverkill. But it’d be cool if the biker skeleton could beshooting some ninja throwing stars. That are on fire.” “That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard,” said thetattooist.“That’s not what the ladies are going to say,” said Adrian” - Richelle Mead

14. “Drink to me! I just realized that I've slept with everyone at this table! ~Nell” - Jennifer Crusie

15. “I've always worried a lot. And frankly I'm good at it." The late Erma Bombeck, one of the funniest women ever.” - Catherine Robertson

16. “Love is as we will it to be." ~ Amunhotep El Bey” - Amunhotep El Bey

17. “Only love will attract love.”~ Amunhotep El Bey” - Amunhotep El Bey

18. “In my book an erection constitutes personal growth.” - Amunhotep El Bey

19. “well you can be sure I'd stop forcing the poor Jews to tart up their humble little temple dedication anniversary into some corn-fed whore of a holiday to compete with our super-slut three-titted Christmas.” - Agusten Burroughs

20. “Don't eat earwax avoid roasted cabbage and look on the bright side of life -Angela” - Christopher Paolini

21. “This guy had more lines than loose-leaf.” - Cara Lynn Shultz

22. “Well, a man has to have his limits somewhere, and being shoved into a hole in the wall is mine.” - Sara Jo Easton

23. “Teela turned to Severn. "I'm having trouble remembering why I haven't strangled her yet."Severn shrugged. "I have that problem myself some days. At the moment, though, the only betting pool in the office seems to be on the Sergeant.""Ha-ha." Kaylin said with a distinct lack of cheer. And then, because she was a fiefling, "What odds?" He cuffed the top of her head.” - Michelle Sagara West

24. “Generally speaking, I try not to generalize.” - Addison C. Arthur

25. “If the pen is mightier than the sword, then what is the laptop? A light saber or a life saver?” - K S Collier

26. “Smoking will probably kill me, but so will natural selection.” - Carroll Bryant

27. “Pardon me Mam,I'm new in town, could you please show me the way to your house?” - Frank Calvin Mann

28. “Yea though I walk through the Valley of Death, I shall fear no evil, for I am the baddest M-F in the valley.” - Cherise Sinclair

29. “Do you believe your gentle birth will turn a bullet?""Why, yes," Rhett said solemnly. "Hell yes! Gentle birth's got to be good for something!” - Donald McCaig

30. “What do you want?""Spain""Fuck!” - Christopher Moore

31. “Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself. (T-Shirt)” - Darynda Jones

32. “Ask me about my complete lack of interest. (T-shirt)” - Darynda Jones

33. “Intelligence is being intelligent enough to know you're not so intelligent as you intelligently once thought.” - Carroll Bryant

34. “If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is NOT for you. (BUMPER STICKER)” - Darynda Jones

35. “I believe in love. Unfortunately, it doesn't believe me. Lust, on the other hand, is a nagging wife poking constantly at my DNA.” - Carroll Bryant

36. “...there occurred to me the simple epitaph which, when I am no more, I intend to have inscribed on my tombstone. It was this:"He was a man who acted from the best motives. There is one born every minute.” - P.G. Wodehouse

37. “If laughter is the best medicine, let's OD together.” - Michael P. Clutton

38. “Have you hugged your favorite Dork lately? Most of us are squeezably soft and adorable.” - Michael P. Clutton

39. “This dudes nuttier than squirrel shit." -Ty Henderson” - Madeleine Urban

40. “Tis well thou art not fish; if thou hadst, thou hadst been poor-John.” - William Shakespeare

41. “Now we see the violence inherent in the system!” - Python Monty

42. “I get no sense from his note at all,” said Will, bounding to his feet, “except that he can quote Tennyson’s lesser poetry. Sophie, how quickly canyou have Tessa ready?”“Half an hour,” said Sophie, not looking up from the dress.“Meet me in the courtyard in half an hour, then,” said Will. “I’ll wake Cyril. And be prepared to swoon at my finery.” - Cassandra Clare

43. “A bug lies in quiet repose;when he passed no one knows.Did he suffer, was he pained?Before he died, was knowledge gained?Were all life’s pressures much too great.To put upon so small a weight?Although not one for pessimism,I think he died of journalism!” - Nikhil Sharda

44. “If anyone wanted ter find out some stuff, all they’d have ter do would be ter follow the spiders. That’d lead ‘em right! That’s all I’m sayin’.” - J.K. Rowling

45. “Pop music is like an auditory cup of coffee. It has no nutritional value but it gets you going.” - Jim Moorman

46. “Actually, watching television and surfing the Internet are really excellent practice for being dead.” - Chuck Palahniuk

47. “God made him, and therefore let him pass for a man. In truth, I know it is a sin to be a mocker, but he! why, he hath a horse better than the Neapolitan’s, a better bad habit of frowning than the Count Palentine; he is every man in no man. If a throstle sing, he falls straight a-cap’ring. He will fence with his own shadow. If I should marry him, I should marry twenty husbands.” - William Shakespeare

48. “If they were afraid of him, then he must be Satan or something even worse, like maybe Sarah Palin.” - Stephani Hecht

49. “Does breakfast in bed count as a morning workout?” - Elizabeth Jane Howard

50. “Oh- hey, there," he said. He was shorter than me, pudgy with salt-and-pepper hair that always seemed to be in need of a good conditioning. And he always wore sweatpants and T-shirts that had seen more abuse than narcotics. But he was a good landlord. When my heater stopped working in mid-December, it took him only two weeks to get it fixed. Of course, it took me knocking on his door in need of a warm place to sleep to get it that way, but one night on his sofa, where I'd suddenly developed night terrors and epilepsy, and that puppy was running like a Mercedes the next day. It was awesome.” - Darynda Jones

51. “Mr. and Mrs. Lowell are not receiving."What the hell did that mean? "I'm not throwing a forty-yard pass. I just have a few questions. I think their daughter is in danger.” - Darynda Jones

52. “Enjoy every ounce of your life, get high and be sincere to anybody that comes around you.” - Salman Aditya

53. “Runāsim labāk par mūsu dārgo skolu, atcerēsimies saldos, mīļos, labi nobarotos cāļus!” - Eriks Ādamsons

54. “Eventually my dad got home from work and set his briefcase down.'So. How was practice?' he asked'It was good. Why? Did you hear it wasn't?' I said, trying to keep my cool.'Son, no offense, but you play Little League. It's not the Yankees. I don't get daily reports about who's hitting the shit out of the ball” - Justin Halpern

55. “My instructor was a skinny guy in his midtwenties who had a shaved head that was always peeling from sunburns and who could only have smelled more like marijuana if he'd been made of it. The training vehicle was a mid- '80s tan Nissan that had working breaks on the passenger side; He often got his jollies slamming them on for no reason and then between wheezing laughs saying 'You were all like 'I'm in control of the car' and then I hit the brakes and shit and you were all like 'whaaaat?” - Justin Halpern

56. “Leo could run pretty fast when someone was trying to kill him. Sadly, he’d had a lot of practice.” - Rick Riordan

57. “if everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane(T-Shirt)” - Darynda Jones

58. “My dad was a fairy," said Zach. "And by that I don't mean he dressed well and enjoyed musical theatre.” - Ben Aaronovitch

59. “The correspondent wondered ingenuously how in the name of all that was sane could there be people who thought it amusing to row a boat. It was not an amusement; it was a diabolical punishment, and even a genius of mental aberrations could never conclude that it was anything but a horror to the muscles and a crime against the back.” - Stephen Crane

60. “Humans are animals, but aren’t we supposed to be civilized animals?” - Justine Monikue

61. “A fool will study for twenty or thirty years and learn how to do something, but a wise man will study for twenty or thirty minutes and become an expert. In this world, it isn't ability that counts, but authority.” - Barry Hughart

62. “If all else fails, stop drop and roll..works for me..:)” - Melissa Mercer

63. “I'll be fine. Maybe I should make up a magic milk bath with the Golden Fruit, huh?" I laughed.Kishan considered and grinned. "A giant bowlful of milk with you in the middle might be a little too much for us cats to resist.” - Colleen Houck

64. “Did you ever notice how the words Attention and Alienation look the same when you are staring at them from a distance?” - Alisia Compton

65. “I've never been a big fan of exercise. I just can't think of any other way to feel good." Kinsey Milhone” - Sue Grafton

66. “She never saw the point of making fun of strangers – how could you possibly know enough about them to hit below the belt?” - Daniel Marks

67. “... but some say that reality is what happens inside a writer's head, and it is fiction which takes place outside it.” - Barry A. Whittingham

68. “Never make an important decision with your pants down.” - Katie Thayne

69. “Life is a great big canvas; throw all tje paint you can at it.” - Danny Kaye

70. “Oh my God! You little slut! You want to have a good date with him and want to have ten thousand of his little baseball babies! Cassie!!!” - J. Sterling

71. “In my family nudity just doesn’t exist; I’m pretty sure my parents were both born fully clothed and still shower that way.” - Huston Piner

72. “Oh God, my stomach must have won a medal- it's doing a lap of honour now.” - Ali McNamara

73. “Old as carbon," Nix agreed. "And so powerful I'm working on my demigoddess badges.” - Kresley Cole

74. “I'm writing a book on Procrastination. I hope to start it tomorrow. I've been thinking about it for almost six years now.” - Ron Moore

75. “I'm writing a new book called 'Ventroliquism for Dummies'.” - Ron Moore

76. “He is England's premier fiend in human shape.” - P.G. Wodehouse

77. “Tell them I have the headache--no, the plague! I need something nice and contagious.” - Lauren Willig

78. “Much of writing might be described as mental pregnancy with successive difficult deliveries. J.B. PRIESTLEY” - Janice Lane Palko

79. “Praise can be your most valuable asset as long as you don't aim it at yourself.” - Orlando A. Battista

80. “Froi heard Zabat's voice echo over and over again throughout the gorge. Wonderful. The gods had found a way of multiplying the idiot's voice.” - Melina Marchetta

81. “The first thing that struck you about Claire’s plate was its vast emptiness. Of course I’m well aware that, in the better restaurants, quality takes precedence over quantity, but there are voids and then there are voids. The void here, that part of the plate on which no food at all was present, had clearly been raised to a matter of principle.It was as though the empty plate was challenging you to say something about it, to go to the open kitchen and demand an explanation. ‘You wouldn’t even dare!’ the plate said, and laughed in your face.” - Herman Koch

82. “When a Were moves in like that it means they're offering support. Cat and canine weres are very touch-feely and bird Were have a whole elaborate protocol for brush ad flutter. Snake Weres like to get right up into your aura and breather in your face, all but rubbing noses like Eskimos. And let's not even talk about Werespiders. I shivered.” - Lilith Saintcrow

83. “Chomsky is a pencil-and-paper theoretician who wouldn't know Jabba the Hutt from the Cookie Monster,” - Steven Pinker

84. “I observe that there is a good deal of German music on the programme, which is rather more to my taste than Italian or French. It is introspective, and I want to introspect.” - Arthur Conan Doyle

85. “Oh, adorable, delicious Amelie. If I weren't so completely straight and enamored with cock, I would devour this sweet little tart.” - Ella Dominguez

86. “Knock-knock, motherfucker.” - Jenny Lawson

87. “Then I yelled through his door, "It's an anniversary gift for you, asshole. Two whole weeks early. FIFTEEN YEARS IS BIG METAL CHICKENS.” - Jenny Lawson

88. “Lady Margaret believed in the three D's: Discipline, Desire, and Determination. But as she listened dutifully to her new employer, hiding her yawns and trying to sit up extra straight in her chair, Charity Hill began thinking of all the lovely things that began with S, such as Sleeping Late, Sex, and Shopping.” - Elizabeth Jane Howard

89. “During the settling of the American colonies, it was said that the Spaniards would first build a church, the Dutch would first build a fort and the English a tavern. Welcome to Charleston, an English colony founded in 1670.” - Mark Jones