90 Hilarious Lol Worthy Quotes

Laughter is truly the best medicine, capable of brightening even the gloomiest of days and bringing people closer together through shared humor. In a world where the daily grind can sometimes feel overwhelming, a good chuckle offers a refreshing escape. This blog post presents a handpicked selection of 90 laugh-out-loud quotes, guaranteed to deliver a burst of joy and spark instant smiles. Whether you need a quick pick-me-up, a snippet to share with friends, or just want to indulge in some light-hearted reading, these quotes promise a delightful journey into the lighter side of life. So sit back, relax, and let the hilarity begin!

1. “Maruman does not loll.” - Isobelle Carmody

2. “A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.” - Dennis Miller

3. “Vhat ozzer abilities do you haf?" ter Borcht snapped, which his assistant waited, pen in hand.Gazzy thought. "I have X-ray vision," he said. He peered at ter Borcht's chest, then blinked and looked alarmed.Ter Borcht was startled for a second, but then he frowned. "Don't write dat down," he told his assistant in irritation. The assistant froze in midsentence."You. Do you haf any qualities dat distinguish you in any way?"Nudge chewed on a fingernail. "You mean, like, besides the WINGS?" She shook her shoulders gently, and her beautiful fawn-colored wings unfolded a bit.His face flushed, and I felt like cheering. "Yes," he said stiffly. "Besides de vings.""Hmm. Besides de vings." Nudge tapped one finger against her chin. "Um..." Her face brightened. "I once ate nine Snickers bars in one sitting. Without barfing. That was a record!""Hardly a special talent," ter Borcht said witheringly. Nudge was offended. "Yeah? Let's see YOU do it."..."I vill now eat nine Snickers bars," Gazzy said in a perfect, creepy imitation of ter Borcht's voice, "visout bahfing."Iggy rubbed his forehead with one hand. "Well, I have a highly developed sense of irony."Ter Borcht tsked. "You are a liability to your group. I assume you alvays hold on to someone's shirt, yes? Following dem closely?""Only when I'm trying to steal their dessert"...Fang pretended to think, gazing up at the ceiling. "Besides my fashion sense? I play a mean harmonica.""I vill now destroy de Snickuhs bahrs!" Gazzy barked.” - James Patterson

4. “You know, you're kind of squeamish for such a lethal person” - Suzanne Collins

5. “Archer! Let us fetch a spot of tea, old boy!” - Rachel Hawkins

6. “Warning: This book contains graphic language, sex, lies, intrigue, clowns, kleptomania, anal sex, oral sex, mutual masturbation, bad driving, good cooking, and the missing head of a Justin Timberlake statue. Not for the sour of disposition.” - L.B. Gregg

7. “Let's say you have an ax. Just a cheap one, from Home Depot. On one bitter winter day, you use said ax to behead a man. Don't worry, the man was already dead. Or maybe you should worry, because you're the one who shot him.” - David Wong

8. “Okay. When he comes, you can see him?""Yes. I can hear him, too. And he, uh..."She brushed the bandage on the side of her skull. I looked at her in bewilderment. Was she serious?"He hits you?""Yes.""With his fist?""Yes."John looked up from his coffee indignantly. "Man, what a dick!"I did roll my eyes this time and glared at John once they stopped. I don't know if you've ever seen a ghost, but I'm guessing that if you did, the thing didn't run over and punch you in the face. I'm guessing that's never happened to any of your friends, either.” - David Wong

9. “And Talon did not understand – no, strike that, he didn‘t want to understand – why seeing Hawk and Roadkill together gave him a funny ache in the pit of his stomach. Every time he looked at Flit, the ache got worse. He needed to get laid.” - aggybird

10. “I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.” - Ellen DeGeneres

11. “For refusing to collapse into an earth-devouring black hole under the force of its own staggering density, we dedicate this book to Theodore Roosevelt's left testicle.” - Cracked.com

12. “But psychology is passing into a less simple phase. Within a few years what one may call a microscopic psychology has arisen in Germany, carried on by experimental methods, asking of course every moment for introspective data, but eliminating their uncertainty by operating on a large scale and taking statistical means. This method taxes patience to the utmost, and could hardly have arisen in a country whose natives could be bored. Such Germans as Weber, Fechner, Vierordt, and Wundt obviously cannot ; and their success has brought into the field an array of younger experimental psychologists, bent on studying the elements of the mental life, dissecting them out from the gross results in which they are embedded, and as far as possible reducing them to quantitative scales. The simple and open method of attack having done what it can, the method of patience, starving out, and harassing to death is tried ; the Mind must submit to a regular siege, in which minute advantages gained night and day by the forces that hem her in must sum themselves up at last into her overthrow. There is little of the grand style about these new prism, pendulum, and chronograph-philosophers. They mean business, not chivalry. What generous divination, and that superiority in virtue which was thought by Cicero to give a man the best insight into nature, have failed to do, their spying and scraping, their deadly tenacity and almost diabolic cunning, will doubtless some day bring about.No general description of the methods of experimental psychology would be instructive to one unfamiliar with the instances of their application, so we will waste no words upon the attempt.” - William James

13. “Taylor clapped her hands three times for attention. "Ladies! Ladies! My stars! That's enough. Now. We all know Miss Arkansas's girls are fake, miss Ohio's easier than making cereal, and Miss Montana's dress is something my blind meemaw would wear to bingo night. And Miss New Mexico -- aren't you from the chill-out state? Maybe you can channel up some new-age-Whole-Foods-incense calm right about now, because we have a big job ahead called staying alive.” - Libba Bray

14. “Love is as we will it to be." ~ Amunhotep El Bey” - Amunhotep El Bey

15. “Only love will attract love.”~ Amunhotep El Bey” - Amunhotep El Bey

16. “In my book an erection constitutes personal growth.” - Amunhotep El Bey

17. “I had to make water ” I said. It was the classic female excuse and no male in recorded history had ever questioned it. “I see ” the Inspector said and left it at that. Later I would have a quick piddle behind the caravan for insurance purposes. No one would be any the wiser.” - Alan Bradley

18. “I was gazing at a cup of cocoa on my night table. As I focused on the thick brown skin that had formed upon its surface like ice on a muddy pond something at the root of my tongue leapt like a little goat and my stomach turned over. There are not many things that I despise but chiefest among them is skin on milk. I loathe it with a passion. Not even the thought of the marvelous chemical change that forms the stuff—the milk’s proteins churned and ripped apart by the heat of boiling then reassembling themselves as they cool into a jellied skin—was enough to console me. I would rather eat a cobweb.” - Alan Bradley

19. “Compared with my life Cinderella was a spoiled brat.” - Alan Bradley

20. “I remembered that Johnson had declared portrait painting to be an improper employment for a woman. “Public practice of any art and staring in men’s faces is very indelicate in a female,” he had said. Well I’d seen Dr. Johnson’s face in the book’s frontispiece and I couldn’t imagine anyone male or female wanting to stare into it for any length of time —the man was an absolute toad.” - Alan Bradley

21. “I remembered Father remarking once that if rudeness was not attributable to ignorance it could be taken as a sure sign that one was speaking to a member of the aristocracy.” - Alan Bradley

22. “Your... Your aura. It's... amazing. It's shining. I mean, it always shines, but today... Well I've never seen anything like it. I didn't expect that after everything that happened.'I shifted around uncomfortably. If I lit up around Dimitri normally, what on earth happened to my aura post-sex?” - Richelle Mead

23. “Angélique Sookie, toi qui es la beauté et la grâce incarnées, pardonne-moi. Je suis accablé à l'idée que cette ménade malfaisante et démoniaque ait pu oser violenter ce corps parfait et voluptueux qui est le tien, dans l'intention de faire parvenir un message à mon indigne et misérable personne.” - Charlaine Harris

24. “And I've got THIS," I pulled out the signum and held it up for him to see, "that says I'm kindred. And I've got THIS," I pointed at my head, "that says I'm as smart as you. And I have THIS," I held up my middle finger, "that says go to hell, you immortal bigot."And with that I spun around and stomped out the door, filing the expression on Arthur's face in a mental folder labeled "Kate's Proudest Moments".” - Amy Plum

25. “How about I take you to my studio? Much less dangerous. Plus, I need a model and you could sit for me.""You want me to sit for a portrait?" I asked stunned."Actually, at the moment I'm concentrating on full-length nudes, in the spirit of Modigliani," Jules said. He was making an effort to keep a straight face. "Just kidding, Kates. You're a lady."Jules was trying the guilt-trip method of attack. And it was working."Ok I'll pose for you," I conceded. "But under no circumstances will any article of clothing leave my body whilst I am in your studio.""And if you're elsewhere?" he asked, breaking into a sly smile.I rolled my eyes.” - Amy Plum

26. “Clary?" he thought.Her voice came through, tinged with alarm. "What is it? What's happened? Did my mom find out I'm gone?""Not yet," he thought back. "Is Azazel the cat from the Smurfs?"There was a long pause. "That's Azrael, Simon. And no more using the magic rings for Smurfs question.” - Cassandra Clare

27. “(Jace) "Is there anything special you want to see? Paris? Budapest? The Leaning Tower of Pisa?" Only if it falls on Sebastian's head, she thought.” - Cassandra Clare

28. “(Sebastian) "See, there you go. You're always looking at me like that.""Like what?""Like I burn down animal shelters for fun and light my cigarettes with orphans.” - Cassandra Clare

29. “On the way, I shared the backseat of Feyerabend's little sports car with the inflatable raft he kept there in case an 8-point earthquake came while he was on the Bay Bridge.” - Lee Smolin

30. “Left weaponless, Roran was forced to retreat before the remaining soldier. He stumbled over a corpse, cutting his calf on a sword as he fell, and rolled to avoid a two-handed blow from the soldier, scrabbling frantically in the ankle-deep mud for something, anything he could use as a weapon. A hilt brushed his fingers, and he ripped it from the muck and slashed at the soldier's sword hand, severing his thumb. The man stared dumbly at the glistening stump, then said, "This is what comes from not shielding myself." "Aye," agreed Roran, and beheaded him.” - Christopher Paolini

31. “Somehow she had climbed halfway up his body before he managed to grasp her waist. He plucked her off and set her on her feet.She started to climb up his body again.“Are you having fun?” he asked suspiciously.“We’re on the fucking moon!” she shouted. “There’s nothing here!”He stared at her. “I don’t think you’re having fun.”“No air!”He shook his head. “Think about that logically. Could you have possibly said those words if there truly was no air? Of coursethere’s no air or atmosphere outside this bubble—”“Ofcoursethere’snofuckingairhereorfuckingatmosphereonthefuckinggoddamnMOONyouGODDAMNFUCKINGCRAZYMORONICDJINN…”“Grace,” he roared in her face.” - Thea Harrison

32. “Why are there so many people out here?' Boomer asked as we bobbed and weaved roughly forward.'Christmas shopping.' I explained.'Already? Isn't it early to returning things?'I really had no sense of how his mind worked.” - David Levithan

33. “Jen said some guy asked you but you didn't want to go. Why not?"I shrug. "I have this character flaw? Called dignity?” - A.G. Howard

34. “If you turn into a hideous monster and I am sent to slay you, I will remember this and make it as painless as I can, out of respect for you.” - Jim Butcher

35. “And why is Heather wearing pink? Come on, people."Heather rolled her eyes and disappeared back inside the tent, reappearing a minute later with a dark gray T-shirt on."Better?" She cocked her head at tristan."Yes. You've just extended your life by at least an hour.” - Chelsea Fine

36. “I never thought I'd hear myself say it, but safety first!” - J.K. Rowling

37. “I possess everyone who sleeps in the motor court, roam their memories, and embed recurrent nightmares that will destroy their sleep for weeks after I’ve departed them.”“I’d prefer a free continental breakfast.” - Dean Koontz

38. “Everybody in!" I said.Which was when we discovered the final problem.Little Echos aren't designed to hold six, count them six, larger-than-average-sized children.And their wings.And a dog."This is like a clown car," Total grumbled front my lap in the front seat."Why does the dog get to sit in your lap?'' Gazzy asked plaintively, as we rattled and banged down the dark streets. "How about a kid?""Oh. 'The dog.' Very nice," said Total."Because you're not allowed to have people on your lap in the front seats," I explained. "It's not safe. If a cop saw us, we'd be stopped for sure. You want Total back there?"Everyone in the back screamed no at the same time.” - James Patterson

39. “If Cameron kidnaps you, kills you, then buries your lifeless body in a shallow grave in the desert where your remains lay decomposing for several decades until they're accidentally discovered by some guy on a journey to awaken his spirit at the Salinas Pueblo Missions, can I have your iMac?" I gaped at her. "You've really thought this out."I love your iMac.""I love my iMac too, and you're not getting her.""But you'll be decomposing.” - Darynda Jones

40. “We're like the Three Musketeers, searching for truth and justice and the American way.:Glitch snorted. "More like the Three Blind Mice, stumbling around trying to find a hunk of cheese in the dark.” - Darynda Jones

41. “Always give 100%, unless you are giving your blood. You may want to keep some of that.” - Brad West

42. “I want to do it too!” said Gazzy, sitting very, very quietly, completely motionless.“Nope,” said Nudge, shaking her head. “You stand out like a fart in church.” - James Patterson

43. “Not saving you from this storm, mutant,” he said. “Saving you for your later fate, we are.”His voice was weirdly inflected and metallic, like an automated answering machine.“Oh, good. Yoda captured us,” Fang whispered.” - James Patterson

44. “Fang swerved closer to me, big and supremely graceful, like a black panther with wings. Oh, God. I'm so stupid. Forget I just said that. "He needs a Band-Aid," I said. A look passed between me and Fang, full of suppressed humor, relief, understanding,love — Forget I said that too. I don't know what's wrong with me.” - James Patterson

45. “A classroom . People trying to stick me in classrooms was becoming as predictable and annoying as people trying to kill me, but with less-fun results.” - James Patterson

46. “Okay, so, flying,” I started, taking a deep breath and focusing on the thing I loved most in the world. “Flying is … great. It feels great when you’re doing it. It’s fun. Pure freedom. There’s nothing better.”Dylan smiled, a slow, easy smile that seemed to light up his whole face.“So the first thing we’re going to do,” I told him, “is push you off the roof.” - James Patterson

47. “I could hear him laughing. Son of a bit*h. I would kill him. I didn't care if he was coyote or the son of Satan.He was a dead man walking.” - Patricia Briggs

48. “I did Google him, you know.""Oh, so you GOOGLED him Oh, well, that changes everything then, doesn't it? What could I possibly worry about now that I know you've conducted such a thorough Internet search?” - Alyson Noel

49. “He nuzzled my neck, inhaling deeply. “Mmm. You smell so good.”“Oh, yeah,” I said, smirking. “I call this new perfume ‘Le Jungle grime et tropical BO.’ ”“Dirt and sweat. Very sexy.” - James Patterson

50. “Coach," Annabeth said, "it was an accident. We were talking, and we fell asleep.""Besides," Percy said, "you're starting to sound like Terminus."Hedge narrowed his eyes. "Is that an insult, Jackson? 'Cause I'll-I'll Terminus you, buddy!” - Rick Riordan

51. “I think a platform is missing its go-go dancer, Sabine." Fey's brutal tone cut through our courtesies.” - Andrea Cremer

52. “Good God, I have taken leave of my senses. I never thank Delalieu. I've likely given the poor man a heart attack.” - Tahereh Mafi

53. “The human placenta is filled with nutritious benefits, one of which is creating a fertile environment. At my age, I'm going to need all the help I can to have a baby, and if having a placenta smoothie or two helps - I won't count it out.""That's like some pretty satanic shit." Ethan is quick to observe. "Like voodoo or something.” - Addison Moore

54. “We all know whose side you're on," marshall says, picking him up and launching him toward the window. The explosive sound of glass shattering fills the room. The walls tremble from the sheer heft of his violent exit."What the hell?" Barron rushes in with a needle at the ready."I've removed your son from the premises per Skyla's wishes.” - Addison Moore

55. “The only thing that frightens me, Chloe, is that you keep lessening the six degrees of separation in our lives.” - Addison Moore

56. “Y'all got your heads tucked so far up your rears, she's petrified the kid's gonna need a shrink before he can shit in a dish.” - Addison Moore

57. “She is INSANE," I scream, standing in the middle of Marshall's living room."Of course, she's insane. That would be your genealogy by the way.” - Addison Moore

58. “There are two covenants that cease to exist in the Master's Kingdom - death and marriage.""What an appropriate pairing," I muse."He thought so.” - Addison Moore

59. “Breast milk is big business." My mother uses my sarcasm as a springboard for her insanity. "We should consider opening a shop that caters to that market. We can call it 'The Milk Bar' or 'Mother's Milk'."...Ethan slaps his hand on the counter. "We can have ice cream made from that shit." He nods into my mother, stony faces, as if he didn't just let an expletive fly.” - Addison Moore

60. “Yes, well, how was I to know you would be so dramatic? Really, Francine, I don’t know where you get it from.” Then she primly grabbed the fowling gun before departing from the room.” - Jade Lee

61. “Are you really going to work in that?" Maura asked.Blue looked at her clothing. It involved a few thin layering shirts, including one she had altered using a method called shredding. "What's wrong with it?"Maura shrugged. "Nothing. I always wanted an eccentric daughter. I just never realised how well my evil plans were working.” - Maggie Stiefvater

62. “It's like scrying into that weird space. There's so much coming out of him, it shouldn't be possible. Do you remember that woman who came in who was pregnant with quadruplets? It was like that, but worse.""He's pregnant?" Blue asked.” - Maggie Stiefvater

63. “How do you feel about helicopters?"There was a long pause. "How do you mean? Ethically?""As a mode of transportation.""Faster than camels, but less sustainable.” - Maggie Stiefvater

64. “I guess I make things that need energy stronger. I'm like a walking battery.""You're the table everyone wants at Starbucks," Gansey mused as he began to walk again.Blue blinked. "What?"Over his shoulder, Gansey said, "Next to the wall plug.” - Maggie Stiefvater

65. “He strode over to the ruined church. This, Blue had discovered, was how Gansey got places - striding. Walking was for ordinary people.” - Maggie Stiefvater

66. “The buck stops here," Ronan said, pulling up the hand brake. "Home shit home.” - Maggie Stiefvater

67. “Sneak out." He shrugged, as if that should have been a no-brainer. But that was easy for him to say. He was dead. What else could they do to him, take away his birthday?” - Rachel Vincent

68. “I'm simpley one hell of a butler.” - Sebastian Michealis

69. “I don’t think I have the right parts to appreciate '50 Shades of Grey'.” - Chris Colfer

70. “Luke captured my gaze again and said, "If beauty were time, you'd be eternity." My heart stopped. I was paralysed to look away from him(...)Thankfully, another senior boy who apparently wasn't dating anyone spoke. And when the words came out of his mouth, I understood why he was girlfriendless. "If you were a booger, I'd pick you first."A lot of yuck and that's gross penetrated the table's atmosphere. A rain of crumpled napkins showered over the boy. Of course, all the guys laughed at him, including Luke, who was finally looking away from me.I was never so grateful for such a tactless comment.” - Shannon Dermott

71. “my pants dont fit either” - Josh Ramsay of Marianas Trench

72. “She went in the pool," she finished for me. "Ohmigod. She was killed while tweeting. It was Twittercide!” - Gemma Halliday

73. “You're not seriously going?" Troy asks."Of course I'm going," I say. "What other choice do I have?""Um...not going.” - Tera Lynn Childs

74. “The stench that surrounded me suggested that the tarp over my face had been previously used either to transport fertiliser or as toilet paper.” - Annabel Monaghan

75. “I got home from the FBi that day, put on my pajamas got a pint of Chunky Monkey, and watched 'The Notebook'. Five times. Everyone left me alone. I suspect they were a little afraid of me. I went up to my room and listened to Taylor Swift's 'White Horse' on replay, knowing she was the only person in the world who could relate.” - Annabel Monaghan

76. “Shoes are stupid. Why do people wear them?" -BlissHe laughed, "So they don't step on a nail and get tetanus, that's why." -Cade"Wear. Where. Wear. W's are wwweeird."-Bliss” - Cora Carmack

77. “The wind is knocked out of me; and when I look up, I see Nine spitting blood out. He's grinning. "Are you crazy?" I ask. "You're enjoying this?" "I've been locked up for over a year. This is the best day of my life!” - Pittacus Lore

78. “Oh, my dear! I’m afraid you’ve mistakenme for someone else! My name is Rhea Silvia. I was the mother to Romulus and Remus, thousands of years ago. But you’re so kind to think I look as young as the 1950s.” - Rick Riordan

79. “In the old legends, Arachne had gotten into trouble because of pride. She’d bragged about her tapestries being better than Athena’s, which had led to Mount Olympus’s first reality TV punishment program: 'So You Think You Can Weave Better Than a Goddess?' Arachne had lost in a big way.” - Rick Riordan

80. “Sorry. Sorry. Don't hit. Bitches be scary when they hit.” - Jennifer L. Armentrout

81. “Are you two you know?" Jacob pointed at us. " Together? Together? " I didn't get a chance to answer. Cam spun me around and kissed me, right there between the two buildings. It was no friendly peck on the lips. When our tongues touched, my bag slipped off my arm and hit the frosted ground."Holy crap," Jacob muttered. "I think they're going to make babies.” - Jennifer L. Armentrout

82. “Staring at her, his reasons are lost to me.” - Victoria Scott

83. “No. No way. That name is reserved for females with grace and elegance, not this girl. This girl is...beastly.” - Victoria Scott

84. “Forget boys and read a good book. Or study. When you're twenty-five and ranking in the big bucks, men will be falling all over you're a successful professional woman.” - Stephie Davis

85. “Caring about him was like trying to love a tree stump - a cold, mean-spirited paternalistic tree stump. With fungus.” - Cecily White

86. “You give frequent flyer miles with that guilt trip?” - Cecily White

87. “You're the most annoying girl on the planet. You make me want to throw myself off a bridge. And, unfortunately, I am one hundred percent, head-over-heels, crazy in love with you.” - Cecily White

88. “She spoke throught her teeth. "Almost, dear. What were the real words you used? The bad words. It's okay to say them again, just this once." I shrugged, "fine. I said'. . . just 'cause Daddy wants you to suck on his ding-a-ling.” - Michael Siemsen

89. “I'm trying to compliment you," Barclay say. "Can't you just say thanks?” - Elizabeth Norris

90. “Well,” I said, needing to lighten the mood for him, “next time Kai tries to, um, bust your balls, you can give it right back to him, because he's got a girlfriend now, too.” - Wendy Higgins