94 Hilarious Humor Quotes

Humor has an extraordinary ability to transcend boundaries, putting smiles on faces and bringing laughter to the everyday lives of people worldwide. Whether it’s a clever pun, witty observation, or an unexpected twist, the right humor can lighten the mood and offer a fresh perspective. We've sifted through countless quips and jokes to compile a list of 94 side-splitting humor quotes that are sure to tickle your funny bone. So sit back, relax, and get ready to chuckle your way through our specially curated collection that's bound to add a splash of joy to your day.

1. “Do you hate people?”“I don't hate them...I just feel better when they're not around.” - Charles Bukowski

2. “No intelligent idea can gain general acceptance unless some stupidity is mixed in with it” - Fernando Pessoa

3. “Doctor doctor, what do you say, lets put the id back in yid” - Philip Roth

4. “The only way to get through life is to laugh your way through it. You either have to laugh or cry. I prefer to laugh. Crying gives me a headache.” - Marjorie Pay Hinckley

5. “Life is serious but art is fun!” - John Irving

6. “« Je suis persuadé que chaque fois qu'un homme sourit et mieux encore lorsqu'il rit, il ajoute quelque chose à la durée de sa vie.»” - Sterne Laurence

7. “A few years ago it dawned on me that everybody past a certain age ... pretty much constantly dreams of being able to escape from their lives. They don't want to be who they are any more. They want out. This list includes Thurston Howell the Third, Ann-Margret, the cat members of Rent, Václav Havel, space shuttle astronauts and Snuffleupagus. It's universal.” - Douglas Coupland

8. “Hello, Harry" said George, beaming at him. "We thought we heard your dulcet tones.""You don't want to bottle up your anger like that, Harry, let it all out," said Fred, also beaming. "There might be a couple of people fifty miles away who didn't hear you.” - J.K. Rowling

9. “No plaque reminds the passer-by of these glories, although there should be one; for those who invent biscuits bring great pleasure to many.” - Alexander McCall Smith

10. “If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?” - George Carlin

11. “Putain mais quelle fichue imagination je peux avoir ...” - John Brunner

12. “Martin, at my age, eroticism is reduced to enjoying caramel custard and looking at widows' necks.” - Carlos Ruiz Zafon

13. “Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping.” - Oscar Wilde

14. “Anyone who thinks money can't buy happiness has never owned a cat [or any pet].” - Arya Riverdale

15. “Too BusyI've folded all my laundryand put it in the drawer.I've changed my linen, made my bed,and swept my bedroom floor. I've emptied out the garbageand fixed tomorrow's lunch.I've baked some cookies for dessertand given dad a munch.I've searched the house for pencilsand sharpened every one.There are so many things to dowhen homework must be done.” - Bruce Lansky

16. “Sometimes you know you've got a chance with a girl because she wants to fight with you. If the world wasn't so messed up, it wouldn't be like that. If the world was normal, a girl being nice to you would be a good sign, but in the real world, it isn't.” - Nick Hornby

17. “Just leave me alone, I want to be alone,” she said when Jack tried to open the car door. She hit the lock, and wound the window up. Since the roof was down, it was a fairly pointless exercise.” - Sarah Mayberry

18. “Knock yourself out... Or rather, don't.” - Eion Colfer

19. “Doyle: "What is it now, then?"Cordelia: "Isn't java supposed to be a coffee?"Doyle: "Ready to abandon the the Web project?"Cordelia: "No way. We have a chance here to make contact with the millions of people out there who are glued to their computers."Doyle: "All those millions, shunning human contact. I'll never understand it. Call me old-fashioned, if you like, but I want to interface with a face, not a hunk of plastic and glass."Cordelia: "Climb out of the Dark Ages, Munchkin man."Doyle: "It's leprechaun, and either way, I don't appreciate the insult.” - John Passarella "Angel"

20. “How are you? My father could say this quicker than anybody. He was always the first to say how are you, provided the occasion called for it, and he saw his chance. Thanks to this skill, he was made ambassador to England ...” - Péter Esterházy

21. “my sword reappeared in my pocket.yeah,great timing.now i could attack the walls all i wanted.my cell had no bar,no window,not even a door” - Rick Riordan

22. “And I'm not saying it's a bad song, you know, or anything like that. All I'm saying is that if you get, I don't know, a broom, say, and dip it in some brake fluid, put the other end up my arse, stick me on a trampoline in a moving lift, and I would write a better song on the walls. That's all I'm saying.” - Dylan Moran

23. “Tucker: "Today we ran into a mama grizzly with two cubs at the ridge off Colter Bay and Clara sang to it to make it go away."Mrs. Avery: You sang to it?Tucker: Her singing is that bad.” - Cynthia Hand

24. “Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not. A sense of humour was provided to console him for what he is.” - Horace Walpole

25. “Idiots emit bogons, causing machinery to malfunction in their presence. System administrators absorb bogons, letting machinery work again.” - Charles Stross

26. “Its not easy being a man you know. I had to get dressed today… and there are other pressures.” - Dylan Moran

27. “If I were you, I'd sue my face for slander.” - Terry Pratchett

28. “A kleptomaniac is a person who helps himself because he can't help himself” - Henry Morgan

29. “We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police.” - Jeff Marder

30. “Sion calls Anne an eel, he calls her a slippery dipper from the slime, and he remembers what the cardinal had called her: my serpentine enemy. Sion says, she goes to it with her brother; he says, what, her brother George? ‘Any brother she's got. Those kind keep it in the family. They do filthy French tricks, like –’‘Can you keep your voice down?’ He looks around, as if spies might be swimming by the boat.‘– and that's how she trusts herself she don't give in to Henry, because if she lets him do it and she gets a boy he's, thanks very much, now clear off, girl – so she's oh, Your Highness, I never could allow – because she knows that very night her brother's inside her, licking her up to the lungs, and then he's, excuse me, sister, what shall I do with this big package – she says, oh,don't distress yourself, my lord brother, shove it up the back entry, it'll come to no harm there.” - Hilary Mantel

31. “Don’t kiss me,” she said warningly.“I don’t intend to,” he replied, smiling a little. “I don’t have my whip and chair with me.” - Linda Howard

32. “Beppu (n.)The triumphant slamming shut of a book after reading the final page.” - Douglas Adams

33. “I love Prada. Not so much the clothes, which are for malnourished thirteen-year-olds, but I covet, with covety covetousness, the shoes and handbags. Like, I LOVE them. If I was given a choice between world peace and a Prada handbag, I'd dither. (I'm not proud of this, I'm only saying.)” - Marian Keyes

34. “Of course it hurt you neanderthal! See that? Thats blood. If theres blood, theres pain. Its like smoke and fire.” - Jennifer Crusie

35. “‎"Your heart is in your chest. It supplies the blood to your cells. Even if you don't think about it, your heart is always pumping. The heart is the most important organ in the body. Without it, you will die."'What grade are you teaching these days?' Joel asked. ' Because either this is really sad...or really profound.” - Jordan Castillo Price

36. “You're kidding," Shane said. "Do you think I want to visit Crazy McTeeth in his lair of insanity?""No," Claire said, "but I'm pretty sure you won't like it if I go alone when I just kind of promised to be with you. So...?""Right. I've been missing Nutty McFang anyway.""Stop making up names for him.""What about Count Crackula?""Just stop.” - Rachel Caine

37. “pretty girls behave better when you ignore them.” - Chetan Bhagat

38. “I know stealing a foot is weird. But, hello, living in a house where a foot is available to be stolen is weird.” - Lauren Ambrose as Claire Fisher

39. “He crouched at the car window and looked in. 'What a lovely family you have. What a charming family. They're all lovely. Except for that one.' His finger jabbed the glass. 'That one's a bit ugly.” - Derek Landy

40. “whoopdie-friggin-doo, fooled you!” - Maggie Stiefvater

41. “I am not sleeping with you.""We could probably manage it, though. Without getting too involved.""No," she said."But why? I mean, if we're trusted friends? And it doesn't interfere with our responsibilities?""Did that line ever actually work for you?""I can't remember. But it probably did-it's brilliant.” - Robyn Carr

42. “Maybe we could, um, go sit in the truck?" he said, but even as he said it, it sounded so dumb. And not exactly the way he wanted her to remember a marriage proposal.” - Robyn Carr

43. “Have you lost your teeny tiny mind, you too-tall, too-skinny, too-crazy jerk?”“Oh, look who’s talking, Miss Let’s Blunder Around the Time Stream and Hang the Consequences! Thanks to you, we’ve got a dead Marc and alive Marc in the same timeline . . . in the same house! Thanks to you, I got chomped on by a dim, blonde, undead, selfish, whorish, blood-suckingleech when I was minding my own business in the past.”“Don’t you call me dim!”“Um. Everyone. Perhaps we should—” Tina began.“Wait, when did this happen?” Marc asked. He had the look of a man desperately trying to buy a vowel. “Past, an hour ago? Past, last year? Helpme out.”“Oh, biiiiig surprise!” Laura threw her (perfectly manicured) hands in the air. “Let me guess, you were soooo busy banging your dead husbandthat you haven’t had time to tell anybody anything.”“I was getting to it,” I whined.“Then after not telling anyone anything and not being proactive—or even active!—you grow up to destroy the world and bring about eternalnuclear winter or whatever the heck that was and how do you deal with your foreknowledge of terrible events to come? Have sex!”“An affirmation of life?” Sinclair suggested. Never, I repeat, never had I loved him more. I was torn between slugging my sister and blowing myhusband. Hmm. Laura might have a point about my priorities . . . but jeez. Look at him. Yum.“—even do it and what do you have to say for yourself? Huh?”“You’re just uptight, repressed, smug, antisex, and jealous, you Antichristing morally superior, fundamentally evil bitch.”Laura and Marc gasped. My husband groaned.” - MaryJanice Davidson

44. “Yes?" she asked, eyeing me guardedly.I struck out a hand and said "Shake."Arra stared at the hand, then into my unfocused eyes. "One good fight doesn't make you a warrior," she said."Shake!" I repeated angrily."And if I don't?" she asked."I'll get back up on the bars and fight you till you do," I growled.Arra studied me at length, then nodded and took my hand. "Power to you, Darren Shan," she said gruffly."Power," I repeated weakly, then fainted into her arms and knew no more till I came to in my hammock the next night.” - Darren Shan

45. “At least Kyle wasn't home. That would be a hard one to explain to his new roomate. Nobody liked a guy who kept blood in the fridge.” - Cassandra Clare

46. “Writing is the flip side of sex - it's only good when it's over.” - Hunter S. Thompson

47. “Humanity, let us say, is like people packed in an automobile which is traveling downhill without lights at terrific speed and driven by a four-year-old child. The signposts along the way are all marked 'Progress.” - Lord Dunsany

48. “Got to say, dying would really wreck my best day. Been there, done that, and now that I think about it, Artemis forgot to give me the t-shirt.” - Sherrilyn Kenyon

49. “I bought a packet of Trojan® Ultra Pleasure Extra Sensitive condoms: ‘No. 1 in AMERICA’. They smell nothing like a positive first sexual experience.” - Joe Dunthorne

50. “Boys", Buffy hissed through clenched teeth, "being quiet is an important part of sneaking.""Oh, sorry", Xander said, reducing his voice to a whisper."Besides, ritual sacrifice is a religious rite", Giles went on quietly. "They wouldn't sacrifice just anyone at random. It's far more likely they'd suspect you of being a Roman spy scouting for the invasion and just outright kill you"."Oh great! Great! Way to be encouraging Giles. And I suppose you'll just watch that happen, in your Watchery way.” - Alice Henderson

51. “The Tausennigan Ob'enn warlords look like cuddly teddy-bears?""Yes, they do, and they'd cheerfully exterminate your entire race for making that observation!""I guess that explains their rich military history, then.” - Howard Tayler

52. “Welcome to your new bodies, gentlemen. If you'd like, I can help you start your own 'dysmorphia is all in your head' support group.” - Howard Tayler

53. “Maxim 8: Mockery and derision have their place. Usually, it's on the far side of the airlock.-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries” - Howard Tayler

54. “Impartially, shrewdly, I considered suicide, though not in my worst moments. The bottle of pills. The note: 'No hard feelings, everyone, but I've thought about it and it's just not on, is it? It's nearly on, but not quite. No? Anyway, all the best, C.” - Martin Amis

55. “Removing his helmet, Edward knelt by the stream called Swillgate, a name that effectively quenched any desire to drink from its depths.” - Sharon Kay Penman

56. “How do you explain plastic to a medieval forest bard?” - Jefferson Smith

57. “Boys don't make passes at female smart asses.” - Letty Cottin Pogrebin

58. “Dear Lord, I think I broke something, like my liver.” - Katie McGarry

59. “L'ancienneté, chez les punks, était signe de crédibilité et conférait prestige et avantages divers. Un des rares points communs entre punk rock et fonction publique.” - Virginie Despentes

60. “Have you slept yet?''Sure. I took a power nap on the way over.''Didn't you drive there?''Yeah. Other drviers kept waking me up. Car horns should be illegal.'- Charley & Cookie” - Darynda Jones

61. “Victor Vigny: A monkey glances up and sees a banana, and that's as far as he looks. A visionary looks up and sees the moon.Conor Broekhart: Which resembles a giant banana.” - Eoin Colfer

62. “In the late 80s though, during the new Glam Rock, leather trousers came back with a vengeance. In a way they replaced Spandex, which had slipped slowly out of fashion due to bands like Saxon never being out of the stuff. These new leather trousers began to develop accessories such as tassels, sequins, and laces up the sides. This all looked quite nice for a while, but in the end they were just another easy target for Kurt Cobain and his subversive cardigans.” - Seb Hunter

63. “Just think, she said to herself. I could be living on the Right Bank. I could be married to a senior clerk at the Treasury. I could be sitting with my feet up, embroidering a linen handkerchief with a rambling-rose design. Instead I'm on the rue des Cordeliers in pursuit of a baguette, with a three-inch blade for comfort.” - Hilary Mantel

64. “Daniel Craig is sitting on a carrot, Jude Law is sitting on Daniel Craig's head.” - Diane Messidoro

65. “If flatness were funny, a dinner plate would be hilarious.” - Walter Moers

66. “He wondered where his mind had wandered this time, what life it had lived as a trail of neurons sped through networks of possibilities particle-fast, too rapid to catch without a hadron collider, causing super quarks of weirdness and leaving him with only a vague after-image like a melting dream. He had to accept that he couldn’t catch all his thoughts, all the things going on in his body, the processes which slipped by in the background just leaving a shadow, an itch, the grain of sand that probably wouldn’t become a pearl, a blazing after-trace that lives a second then is gone forever. All those possibilities occurring in a second of frantic life: it never ceased to amaze him. The world was an incredible and beautifully constructed thing.However, there wasn’t really time for a wank.” - Karl Drinkwater

67. “Everyone knows that "everything" doesn't include windows.” - Pierre Burton

68. “He raised one eyebrow. Infuriatingly. Then he looked me up and down, but not in a meaningful way like Jake used to, more as if i was a horse, which was weird because he hadn't yesterday when i was actually dressed as one.” - Diane Messidoro

69. “I find that if you just talk, your mouth comes up with stuff.” - Karl Pilkington

70. “...we've already had one horrible thing happen today, which means that if you think about it the odds of anything else horrible happening again in the next few hours should now be quite low.” - Joshua Donellan

71. “Never say no to now” - Benny Bellamacina

72. “She glanced over at the twisted wreckage of the chair — (a nice, Swedish chair that had done nothing in its short life to hurt anyone” - Sylvain Reynard

73. “No body told you to call your band Salacious Mold, my friend.” - Cassandra Clare

74. “Try patting them on the back or shoulder and telling them everything is going to be fine. Lots of times when girls cry, they don't want you to fix the problem, they just want to be consoled.” - Kiera Cass

75. “Men are pigs, darling. I really have every sympathy for women that they actually have to choose one of these arrogant, stupid morons to settle down with and marry.” - Michael Winner

76. “We will never speak of your cadaverous girlfriend or murderous ways ever again.” - Elle Casey

77. “Percy looked at his friends. "I'm getting tired of this guy's shirt.""Combat time?" Piper grabbed her horn of plenty."I hate wonder bread," Jason said.Together, they charged.” - Rick Riordan The mark of athena

78. “Do you really think you'd win a PR war against a bunch of committed librarians?' He thought about this, but he knew I was right. The libraries were a treasured institution and so central to everyday life that government and commerce rarely did anything that might upset them.Some say they were more powerful than the military, or, if not, they were certainly quieter. As they say: Don't mess with librarians.Only they use a stronger word than 'mess'...” - Jasper Fforde

79. “Il ne faut pas avoir peur de regarder les choses en face. La vie est le résultat de la malpropreté. Si la nature avait été bien tenue, la vie ne serait jamais apparue. La vie est née de quelques vagues saletés au fond d'une flaque d'eau boueuse. La vie, donc l'homme. Il n'y a vraiment pas de quoi être fier.” - Cavanna

80. “The look in her eyes told me that under any other circumstances, I would either already be naked with her on top of me, or lying in a pool of my own blood on the rug.” - Christina Lauren

81. “My indiscretion was a part of my author mystique, just like Charles Dickens and Richard Madeley.” - Rosen Trevithick

82. “In the event of some sort of gathering, if one of the bossy, over bearing, possessive, fur balls has not flipped his switch and attacked some poor young pup in some misguided attempt to protect his woman's virtue, then the night is not yet over.” - Quinn Loftis

83. “I'm tired of the anonymity of being an unpublished author. I crave the anonymity of being self-published.” - Tristan Durie

84. “And it's a pity too that I've no right to open your letters. I hope you don't get many, or my conscience will give me no peace.” - Diana Wynne Jones

85. “Is this what you do with your spare time?” he asked me, ignoring his sister.“What—are you deciding to talk to me now?” Smiling tightly, I grabbed a handful of mulch and dumped it. Rinse and repeat. “Yeah, it’s kind of a hobby. What’s yours? Kicking puppies?” - Jennifer L. Armentrout

86. “He said a bad word. Do you want to know what it was? It started with F. It's not the one you're thinking of, though. To the other one. The one that ends with P. do you want to know what it was? It was troop." She frowned. "Wait that's not a word.” - Derek Landy

87. “These blondes, sir, they're responsible for a lot of trouble.” - Agatha Christie

88. “And where," Socrates smiled, "is the universe?""The universe is well, there are theories about how it's shaped...""That's not what I asked. Where is it?""I don't know - how can I answer that?""That is the point. You cannot answer it, and you never will. There is no knowing about it. You are ignorant of where the universe is, and thus, where you are. In fact, you have no knowledge of where anything is or of What anything is or how is came to be. Life is a mystery."My ignorance is based on this understanding. Your understanding is based on ignorance. This is why I am a humorous fool, and you are a serious jackass.” - Dan Millman

89. “I’ll always be your friend,” he said. “Your best friend, if you let me. But I want to be your lover, too.” He groaned and shifted in his chair. “Soon. I want to be that soon.” Then a look came over him. “Oh Gina…I didn’t even court you! God, I should date you first before I beg you to take off your clothes!” - Robyn Carr

90. “It is well known that any drive to reduce paperwork only results in extra paperwork” - Terry Pratchett

91. “Ivanov: Gentlemen, you've again set up a drinking shop in my study... I have asked each and every one of you a thousand times not to do that... Look now, you've spilt vodka on a paper... and there are crumbs... and gherkins... It's disgusting!” - Anton Chekhov

92. “I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.” - Emo Philips

93. “Time flies when you grow fangs and fur.” - Dianna Hardy

94. “Lies are horny little buggers, they breed like rabbits and bound around just as insanely and then you have to try to keep track of them.” - Karen Marie Moning