97 Hilarious And Funny Quotes

Laughter is the best medicine, and what better way to brighten our days than with a dose of humor? Whether you need a quick pick-me-up or you're looking to share a chuckle with friends, a witty quote can work wonders. In today’s fast-paced world, taking a moment to giggle can be the perfect antidote to stress and negativity. We’ve gathered a selection of the top 97 hilarious and funny quotes that are guaranteed to bring a smile to your face. Dive in, enjoy, and let the laughter begin!

1. “Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain” - Jon Stewart

2. “What makes big boobs and perkiness so attractive to boys? I mean, really. Two round, mounds of fat and a fake smile. Yeah, winning attributes.” - Gena Showalter

3. “But that quickly faded, and he frowned. "You're bleeding," he said. "What happened?"Claire sighed and held up her wrist to show him the bandage. "Man, you would be so embarrassed if I said it was something else." Michael looked blank. "I'm a girl, Michael, it could have been all natural, you know. Tampons?” - Rachel Caine

4. “She sighed. Loudly. "Physical appearance is not what is important."Yeah right. Tell that to any girl who hasn't bothered to put on a presentable shirt or fix her hair because she's only running into the grocery store to get a quart of milk for her grandmother, and who does she see tending the 7-ITEMS-OR-LESS cash register but the guy of her dreams, except she can't even say hi—much less try to develop a meaningful relationship—since she looks like the poster child for the terminally geeky.” - Vivian Vande Velde

5. “She was hearing the words. They just weren't registering on her Richter scale of sanity.” - Dakota Cassidy

6. “First blood is mine.Last blood counts for more.--Artemis Entreri and Drizzt Do'Urden” - R.A. Salvatore

7. “Our family was nearly torn apart on several occasions by arguments started when the refrigerator door was open for what my father deemed as ‘too long.” - Weston Locher

8. “In school we chanted, along with our teacher, I am the Captain of my fate, I am the Master of my soul, and meanwhile, within my own body, an anarchic insurrection had been launched by one of my privates- which I was helpless to put down!” - Philip Roth

9. “You have food?" Winter scolded. "I thought you said you were hungry."I'm hungry for other things besides what I have," [Clover] argued.” - Obert Skye

10. “Tea should be as bitter as wormwod and as sharp as a two eged swordKit Snicket (a series of unfortunate events)” - Lemony Snicket

11. “I look like a biker slut from hell meets soldier of fortune pinup.” - Laurell K. Hamilton

12. “It's spider season. Every year, right about now, thousands of the godless eight-legged bastards emerge from the bowels of hell (or the garden, whichever's nearest) with the sole intention of tormenting humankind.” - Charlie Brooker

13. “Boredom can be a lethal thing on a small island.” - Christopher Moore

14. “Bücher haben Ehrgefühl. Wenn man sie verleiht, kommen sie nicht mehr zurück.” - Theodor Fontane

15. “The funny thing about writing is that whether you're doing well or doing it poorly, it looks the exact same. That's actually one of the main ways that writing is different from ballet dancing.” - John Green

16. “Abandoned babies are unfortunate unwanted results of a once urgent desire to have an orgasm” - David Cross

17. “I swore I'd never become some lord's brainless arm ornament and political host, but I've become far worse. I'm a glorified housekeeper and sperm donor. -from the journal of Payton Marcus Townsend.” - J.L. Langley

18. “Remember the days when you let your child have some chocolate if he finished his cereal? Now, chocolate is one of the cereals.” - Robert Orben

19. “There were no windows in my bedroom, so I had to sit up and read my clock to figure out how angry I should be at my visitor. Eight A.M. I hated whoever woke me up. Had they come an hour earlier, I would have also hated their families and any household pets.” - Lish McBride

20. “Robert said, "This is great, huh? Sorry to butt in and everything, but I really need the extra points. For my grade."Ben nodded and tried to smile. Right, for his grade. He probably wanted to get an A++ in social studies instead of just an A+” - Andrew Clements

21. “One of the greatest pieces of advice I’ve ever gotten in my life was from my mom. When I was a little kid there was a kid who was bugging me at school and she said “Okay, I’m gonna tell you what to do. If the kid’s bugging you and puts his hands on you; you pick up the nearest rock...” - Johnny Depp

22. “Some people were just getting on with their lives, chatting, being young. It simply wouldn't do.” - Russell Brand

23. “He balled his hand into a fist. "You are such a bitch." "Woof, woof," I said.” - Laurell K. Hamilton

24. “Paddy Eagan, stay away from falling signs for a bit and you'll be as right as rain come the weekend.” - Elizabeth C. Bunce

25. “Oh, hell, he'd look hot in a chicken suit.” - Cyn Balog

26. “Do you see that man in the black Porsche?" I asked the women.They squinted out at Ranger. "Yes," they said."Your partner.""He's homeless. He's looking for a place to stay and he might be interested in renting Singh's room."Mrs.Apusenja's eyes widened. "We could use the income."She looked at Nonnie and then back at Ranger. "Is he married?""Nope. He's single. He's a real catch."Connie did something between a gasp and a snort and buried her head back behind the computer. "Thank you for everything." Mrs.Apusenja said. "I suppose you are not such a bad slut. I will go talk to your partner.:"Omigod," Connie said, when the door closed behind the Apusenja's. "Ranger's going to kill you." The Apusenjas stood beside the Porsche, talkig to Ranger for a few long minutes, giving him the big sales pitch. The pitch wound down, Ranger responded, and Mrs. Apusenja looked disappointed. The two women crossed the road and got into the burgundy Escort and quickly drove away. Ranger turned his head in my direction and our eyes met. His expression was still bemused, but this time it was the sort of bemused expression a kid has when he's pulling the wings off a fly."Uh-Oh,"Connie said. I whipped around and faced Connie. "Quick, give me an FTA. You're backed up, right? For God's sake, give me something fast. I need a reason to stand here until he calms down!" Connie shoved a pile of folders at me. "Pick one. Any one! Oh shit, he's getting out of his car."....He leaned into me and his lips brushed the shell of my ear. "Feeling playful?""I don't know what you're talking about.""Watch your back babe. I will get even."-Ranger and Stephanie” - Janet Evanovich

27. “Prayers For Rain' begins like practically every Cure song, with an introduction that's longer than most Bo Diddley singles. Never mind the omnipresent chill, why does Robert Smith write such interminable intros? I can put on 'Prayers For Rain,' then cook an omelette in the time it takes him to start singing. He seems to have a rule that the creepier the song, the longer the wait before it actually starts. I'm not sure if Smith spends the intro time applying eye-liner or manually reducing his serotonin level, but one must endure a lot of doom-filled guitar patterns, cathedral-reverb drums and modal string synth wanderings during the opening of 'Prayers for Rain.” - Tom Reynolds

28. “Be able to go shopping for a bathing suit and not become depressed afterward.” - Marilyn Vos Savant

29. “They arrived home again to a most peculiar sight. The small garden at the front of the Banana House had been transformed. A tidal wave of cushions, beanbags, quilts, hearth rugs, and sleeping bags appeared to have swept up the lawn and broken at the wall. From Indigo's window a multicolored rope of knotted bedsheets came snaking out and ended among the cushions. As Micheal and Caddy watched, a mattress emerged and fell to the ground, followed by a rain of pillows."Indigo!" shouted Caddy, jumping out of the car.Indigo's and Rose's heads appeared in the window above."It's all right, Caddy!" Indigo called cheerfully. "We've been doing it all the time you've been gone.""We keep finding more stuff to land on!" added Rose. "Look!” - Hilary McKay

30. “We were talking about the prince,' Sansa said, her voice soft as a kiss.Arya knew which prince she meant: Joffrey, of course. The tall, handsome one. Sansa got to sit with him at the feast. Arya had to sit with the little fat one. Naturally.” - George R.R. Martin

31. “Christopher throws dandelion head after dandelion head into his bag. It's getting heavy now and his fingers are stained from the work but there are still so many left to kill. His biggest mistake is giving them names.” - Brian Martinez

32. “Remove yourself, sir!” - David McCullough

33. “I rolled my eyes, trying to keep my eyes off his body, just the sight of his abs or arms was enough to make me want to get naked and let Carlo take over anything he wanted.” - Holly Hood

34. “It’s been so many years since I actually had a date that I’ve forgotten how to act. You don’t mention your ex when you’ve finished fucking your date; it’s poor protocol” - Scarlet Blackwell

35. “Project: Potential was a separate class that the gifted students went to for an hour each day. The name was supposed to make it exciting, like Code Name: Cursive or Mission: State Capitals.” - Adam Rex

36. “Carpe Diem, just remember that we're partying on the Titanic.” - Will McIntosh

37. “If you have the choice between humble and cocky, go with cocky. There's always time to be humble later, once you've been proven horrendously, irrevocably wrong.” - Kinky Friedman

38. “Are you sure this is a good idea?’ I ask.‘No,’ says Amber. ‘Let’s do it.” - Doug MacLeod

39. “The logic behind patriotism is a mystery. At least a man who believes that his own family or clan is superior to all others is familiar with more than 0.000003% of the people involved.” - Criss Jami

40. “So hologram means--" I finally said."It means non-corporeal, yeah. Which sucks seeing as how there are a lot of very corporeal things I'd like to do with you right now.” - Rachel Hawkins

41. “Kid 1: *examining my gorgeous strawberry and blueberry pies*: Wow, Mom, your pies don’t look awful this time.Me (Ilona): ...~A little later~Kid 2: *wandering into the kitchen*Kid 1: Hey, you’ve got to see these pies. *opening the stove*Kid 2: Wow. They are not ugly this time.Kid 1: I know, right?” - Ilona Andrews

42. “You couldn't be romantic if your life depended on it." "You know what's lucky? Most bad guys don't ask you to be romantic on command, so that probably won't matter.” - Rachel Caine

43. “If per capita was a problem, decapita could be arranged” - Terry Pratchett

44. “No, officer, I have no idea why I'm wearing this possum costume. I called you what? OH. My bad."-Nastasya” - Cate Tiernan

45. “This is really good,” Donovan Caine said, attacking his third strawberry pancake. “You sound surprised,” I said. He shrugged. “I just didn’t think an assassin would be able to cook like this.” “Well, I do get lots of practice with knives. You could say I’m multitasking.” The detective froze, his fork halfway to his mouth. “I’m kidding. I enjoy cooking. It relaxes me.” - Jennifer Estep

46. “I can’t believe I’ve missed this sport. It’s all about fingering holes and caressing balls.” - K.A. Mitchell

47. “Stella explained that when he had arrived, because of his English accent, she had assumed that he was me, and had asked where his fridge was. She didn't tell me what his reply was, and we can only hazard a guess, but I was impressed that he had been prepared to stay the night. It is surely a brave man who goes ahead and checks into an establishment where the first question is 'Where's your fridge?'. Especially if, as he had done, you had arrived by motorcycle.” - Tony Hawks

48. “Don't go there Rule" Lawe warned him softly. " I don't think your horoscope declared today to be a good day to die.” - Lora Leigh

49. “You make me sound like an arrogant ass," he said."Are you?""No! I'm just me.” - P.C. Cast

50. “I think you must be some kind of a freak. Either that or you’re trying toconvert me to your secret horse religion.”“Darn, you got me,” she says theatrically. “You thwarted my evil plan.” - Cynthia Hand

51. “I think it's something like Mr. Peter Sloane and the octogenarians. The other evening Mrs. Sloane was reading a newspaper ans she said to Mr. Sloane 'I see here that another octogenarian has just died. What is an Octogenarian, Peter?' And Mr. Sloane said he didn't know, but they must be very sickly creatures, for you never heard tell of them but they were dying.” - L. M. Montgomery

52. “Why would I go looking for someone I know wants to kill me?” - J.K. Rowling

53. “She tried to smile sympathetically, but with her face it wasn't quite possible.” - Anthony Horowitz

54. “But he is an Italian," was Umberto's sensible reply. "He doesn't care if you break some law a little bit, as long as you wear beautiful shoes. Are you wearing beautiful shoes? Are you wearing the shoes I gave you?...principessa?"I looked down at my flip-flops. "I guess I'm toast.” - Anne Fortier

55. “I angle my head down and peer up at him through my lashes in what I hope is an alluring manner. I have zero experience in this area though, so it’s possible I look like a total moron.” - Rachel Morgan

56. “Jon: Our only thought is to entertain you!Garfield: Feed me.” - Jim Davis

57. “Especially well known around the office is my weakness for dyspareunist women. Most people would find such disparity in unity repelling, but it harmonizes perfectly with my personal tastes.” - Benson Bruno

58. “... an artist should paint from the heart, and not always what people expect. Predictability often leads to the dullest work, in my opinion, and we have been bored stiff long enough I think.” - E.A. Bucchianeri

59. “... there was one new metallic monstrosity stacked in one corner that she hadn’t seen the last time she was a visitor to his strange chamber, it appeared to be a mass of hard drives all fused together, but they looked too sophisticated to be merely hard drives.“What on earth is that?” “That’s my Kung Fu,” he said proudly, patting the top of the futuristic-looking stack.“Is that what you wanted to show me?”“No, but it’s impressive, isn’t it?”“If you say so.”Steves sighed and shook his head, so few people could appreciate the intellectual complexity of an almost untraceable hacking device.” - E.A. Bucchianeri

60. “Rule number four for me as a writer? Plotlines are like sharks: They either keep moving or they die. ~J.R. Ward” - J.R. Ward

61. “If you're funny, if there's something that makes you laugh, then every day's going to be okay.” - Tom Hanks

62. “A real girl isn't perfect and a perfect girl isn't real.” - Harry Styles

63. “Lucas: I wanted to talk to you after class, but you disappeared.Me: I have another class right after. One of those profs who stops talking, stares at you and waits until you get to your seat if you're late.Lucas: I would probably just walk to my seat even slower. ;)” - Tammara Webber

64. “My body is tired as worn out rug, but my brain (if i had) is always full of curiosity, jumping around for seeking new funs. If they could learn how to be cooperative each others, my life could be way easier... sigh*” - Hiroko Sakai

65. “I know it’s technically goodwill to all men, but in my mind, I drop the men because that feels segregationist/elitist/sexist/generally bad ist.Goodwill shouldn’t be just for men. It should also apply to women and children, and all animals, even the yucky ones like subway rats. I’d evenextend the goodwill not just to living creatures but to the dearly departed, and if we include them, we might as well include the undead, thosesupposedly mythic beings like vampires, and if they’re in, then so are elves, fairies, and gnomes. Heck, since we’re already being so generous in ourbig group hug, why not also embrace those supposedly inanimate objects like dolls and stu” - Rachel Cohn

66. “Is your blouse Azzedine Alaia?''No, you could say it's VERY authentic vintage.'Lachlain didn't care what it was; she'd never wear that damned unfinished shirt in public again.” - Kresley Cole

67. “He flipped himself onto his side and kissed me. "You're so hot," I said, my hand still on his leg. "I'm starting to think you have an amputee fetish," he answered, still kissing me. I laughed."I have an Augustus Waters fetish," I explained.” - John Green

68. “Fang swerved closer to me, big and supremely graceful, like a black panther with wings. Oh, God. I'm so stupid. Forget I just said that. "He needs a Band-Aid," I said. A look passed between me and Fang, full of suppressed humor, relief, understanding,love — Forget I said that too. I don't know what's wrong with me.” - James Patterson

69. “Offstage, I couldn't put things into words, and that was the one thing I'd always been able to rely on. Putting my feelings into words and praying they wouldn't be able to get out again.” - Carrie Fisher

70. “It was the first time her eyes had really met mine and to be honest I think there was more warmth between the lamb chops in the freezer." Daniel meeting Felicity in Cousin Felicity and the Eels of Misty Point.” - Kaal Kaczmarek

71. “She moved like water, graceful and soft and lovely. Every part of me wanted to stick out my foot and trip her, just to see her stumble.” - Cassandra Rose Clarke

72. “In the Catskills, nostalgia runs backwards. The upwardly mobile Jewish masses of the 1950s and 1960s have been replaced by the Jews of 19th century Poland.” - Kevin Haworth

73. “Idiot," I said, before grinning broadly and crushing his mouth to mine. "We need to pick new pet names for each other," he muttered as I hefted myself up from the ground.” - Molly Harper

74. “Divination is turning out to be much more trouble than I could have foreseen, never having studied the subject myself.” - J.K. Rowling

75. “A brick is a biographical film in which a young orphan brick from the wrong side of the track grows up to be one of the most important bricks in all brick kind, as it is now quite literally the cornerstone of one of America’s greatest ballparks.(Fenway)” - Nicole McKay

76. “When I turn back to Jase, he’s again beaming at me. “You’re nice.” He sounds pleased, as if he hadn’t expected this aspect of my personality.” - Huntley Fitzpatrick

77. “Spartacus," I called, "how's it hanging?" Probably not too well. Once you're dead, had your organs removed, and are resurrected as an undead mummified cat, your testicles probably looked like old raisins that had rolled under the couch. Raisins didn't tend to...hang.” - Rob Thurman

78. “God is an early bird; satan is a night owl. Everyone knows that.” - Jonathan Acuff

79. “I’m supposed to figure out if the glass is half full or half empty,” I told her.Without a moment’s hesitation, in a split second, my grandmother shrugged and said: “It depends on if you’re drinking or pouring.” - Bill Cosby

80. “There’s pretty much no way for me to answer that without sounding like an asshole, so maybe you could do me a solid and not make me.” - Alex Potvin

81. “Beneath the people we think we are, there are funnier, happier, livelier people that we keep ignoring.” - Rebecca Murphy

82. “Awesome.""Awesome squared.""Awesome cubed.""Awesome to the power of infinity.""The square root of awesome is-""-Asha." We finish at the same time and laugh.” - Hannah Harrington

83. “You know it feels good. I can hardly geta…I don’t even…”There was something amusing about watching him trying to form a coherent sen-tence. Amusing, but arousing at the sametime.” - Charlotte Stein

84. “For in the forest someone is always watching and someone is always listening!” - Nancy B. Brewer

85. “It's funny how a chubby kid can just be having fun, and people call it entertainment!” - Garth Brooks

86. “You, lass, have a self-image problem.”Well, that might be a little true, but she also had a mirror.” - Cherise Sinclair

87. “Kevin", his father began, "I've been thinking about it – I guess I was kind of carried away. It's just that I've waited so long for my old school to make it to the Regionals... I suppose I was living it vicariously through you. Keith says you're not going to fail, after all. Is that right?""Looks like I'll make it. I know it's hard to believe...""Yes, it is. I was hoping you could get a football scholarship, you know. Something to waive the entrance requirements, because I don't know what college would take you-""Yeah. Thanks a lot Dad," Kevin said sarcastically. He already knew what his father thought of him and didn't need to be reminded yet again."Oh, come on. You know perfectly well that you're too stupid to-""That's not what my boyfriend says. Oh, by the way, Dad – I'm a faggot. Did I mention that?""... Kevin – get your stuff, and get out.""Gladly.” - Failte

88. “In any given situation there will always be more dumb people than smart people. We ain't many!” - Ken Kesey

89. “Malory! You've got a chipmunk on your pussy!” - Tamara Thorne

90. “No, no, no! I am not giving birth backstage at a rock concert. I need to be in a hospital, pumped full of every drug that they can legally give me!I was so shocked, my only repsonse was,'Well, he was conceived backstage at a concert, so it's sort of fitting for him to be born at one.” - S.C. Stephens

91. “What?" I asked, swallowing a mouthful. "You remind me of me." "That can't be good." I took another mouthful.” - Courtney Allison Moulton

92. “I had no idea what time it was, but I felt boneless and it would take an act of God to get me out of this bed. Or chocolate.” - Jennifer L. Armentrout

93. “Moreover, grandmothers of students who aren't doing so well in class are at even higher risk - students who are failing are fifty times more likely to lose a grandmother compared with non-failing students. In a paper exploring this sad connection, Adam speculates that the phenomenon is due to intrafamilial dynamics, which is to say, students' grandmothers care so much about their grandchildren that they worry themselves to death over the outcome of exams.” - Dan Ariely

94. “We made love like two people trying to make love like three people in the trunk of a car.
” - Dark Jar Tin Zoo

95. “I’d seen weirder things than a haunted shoe, but not many.” - Richelle Mead

96. “And just before I go to sleep, I'll think of sentences that don't contain words like Hoover, Jogging, and Heart Transplant” - Kirsten Gier

97. “Lord Carradice managed to look wicked, smug, and saintly, all at the same time.” - Anne Gracie