98 Hilarious And Witty Quotes

Laughter has an unparalleled ability to uplift our spirits and bring people together. In a world that's often too serious, finding a reason to smile can be a delightful relief. Whether it's a clever quip or a playful pun, witty quotes have a way of perfectly encapsulating life's absurdities and joys. This collection of 98 hilarious and witty quotes promises to tickle your funny bone and perhaps inspire a chuckle or two. So, take a break from the mundane and get ready to dive into a world of humor and wisdom, where each quote is carefully selected to brighten your day and provoke a smile.

1. “This is the sixty-nine," I told him, presenting the magazine in front of him. I put my fingers -- two of them -- on the action, so that he would not overlook it. "Why is it dubbed sixty-nine?" he asked, because he is a person hot on fire with curiosity. "It was invented in 1969. My friend Gregory knows a friend of the nephew of the inventor." "What did people do before 1969?" "Merely blowjobs and masticating box, but never in chorus.” - Jonathan Safran Foer

2. “He had a dashing smile. It nearly dashed right off his face.” - Shannon Hale

3. “Certainly there are things in life that money can’t buy, but it’s very funny – Did you ever try buying them without money.” - Ogden Nash

4. “I would so rock at running amuck.” - KC Randall

5. “When the watermelons were as large as a child's head, the women boiled them, but they collapsed into a tasteless green mush that no one could eat, not the children, not the cow.” - Annie Proulx

6. “Pink is supposed to weaken your enemies, make them go soft on you, which must be why it's used for baby girls. It's a wonder the military hasn't got on to this.” - Margaret Atwood

7. “Shall I add a man to my collection?” - Patricia A. McKillip

8. “Jack's doctors have told him he is crazy… but, the truth is, it's the Voices who are crazy, not him.” - Jennifer Daydreamer

9. “When one is too old for love, one finds great comfort in good dinners.” - Zora Neale Hurston

10. “He soon acquired the forlorn look that one sees in vegetarians.” - Gabriel Garcia Marquez

11. “I had refused Emerson's well-meant offers of assistance, knowing his efforts would be confined to moving the furniture to the wrong places and demanding how much longer the process would take.” - Elizabeth Peters

12. “face touchage" "lame-sauce" "Sulky McSulkerton” - Rachel Hawkins

13. “So good.” - Johanna Hurwitz

14. “Bones didn’t share any of my qualms about suddenly holding an arm that wasn’t attached to a body anymore. He just grabbed the ghoul by his other arm and began thumping him over the head with the loose limb. I’d heard Bones threaten to beat someone with their own limb before, but I’d always assumed that was a figure of speech. Apparently not.” - Jeaniene Frost

15. “I refuse to have a life partner who spends his days pretending to be on a BBC show.” - Lisa Lutz

16. “Billy squinted at me. "Why are you letting them go?""Because they're real.""How do you know?""The one I was holding crapped on my hand.” - Jim Butcher

17. “They're a little strange, but I'm pretty sure neither of them is going to try to make me uncomfortable by stripping naked.” - Suzanne Collins

18. “While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach.” - Chelsea Handler

19. “He dragged me back - just in time. A tree had crashed down on to the side walk, just missing us. Poirot stared at it, pale and upset. "It was a near thing that! But clumsy, all the same - for I had no suspicion - at least hardly any suspicion. Yes, but for my quick eyes, the eyes of a cat, Hercule Poirot might now be crushed out of existence - a terrible calamity for the world. And you, too, mon ami - though that would not be such a national catastrophe." "Thank you," I said coldly.” - Agatha Christie

20. “Throughout life try to remember...to always keep your head up high and your middle finger higher!” - Timothy Pina

21. “She spoke under her breath to Nick. "Is there a reason he's only wearing one sock?" "He puked on his foot." "Oh." She turned back to Huxley. "Can we get you another sock? Maybe a blanket or something?” - Julie James

22. “I need some kind of... like... last minute, poorly-set-up deus ex machina!!” - Bryan Lee O'Malley

23. “The nursery rhyme ends when a spider comes along and frightens Miss Muffet straight off her tuffet. I have wondered about what kind of lesson this is for a young girl. If you're eating your curds and whey and a spider comes along, I don't think there's anything wrong with picking up a newspaper, smashing it, and going back to your breakfast.” - Sloane Crosley

24. “Obstinate, headstrong girl!” - Jane Austen

25. “(Referring to the piano's natural shape) Isn't it a shame when those big fat opera singers lean against the pianos and bend them?” - Victor Borge

26. “Don't that make your bosom plim?” - Thomas Hardy

27. “Shayna thinking about Jensen:" ....From my first glance I knew he was atleast three or four inches taller than me and I could tell his lightweight sweater hid a well muscled chest and arms, but lean, not meaty. I was aware of an excess of saliva in my mouth and forced myself to swallow, trying not to blush when I heard Jodi snicker quietly next to me.” - Shauna Granger

28. “Cool people are only cool for the first thirty minutes of knowing them. After that, they just become annoying.” - Carroll Bryant

29. “Forgive me....I called you an idiot. I spoke too hastily. You are not. Had I given it more thought, I would have called you a scoundrel.” - Lloyd Alexander

30. “Speaking of tongues, they are the main reason I'm a nervous wreck. Ryan is a senior and well, sadly, I'm not all that experienced with boys. I mean, I'm a freshman and have been to dances with boys my age and even have gone out with boys, but I've never really kissed them. Not like I hope to kiss Ryan anyway. Bobby Robinson did shove his tongue into my mouth one time, when we were kissing under the bleachers at a football game, but it didn't feel so good. I'm pretty sure he didn't have it exactly right. So I talked to my friends, Katie and Lisa, about how to properly make out. But, well, here is just a bit of their unhelpful advice.Just let him take the lead, do what ever he does.Um, couldn't that get me into a lot of trouble?Just sort of kiss his tongue, but try not to drool.Don't open your mouth too wide.And then, just open your mouth wide.See?Stupid, conflicting information.And this from girls who supposedly know how to do this!I feel like I'm an undercover CIA agent trying to wrestle vital information out of a ruthless double agent, and the fate of the free world depends upon it. All the while, the President is yelling at me in a panic, saying, Somebody! Anybody! Just get me the truth!” - Jillian Dodd

31. “(About sweeping)....What he was in FACT doing was moving the dirt around with a broom, to give it a change of scenery and a chance to make new friends.” - Terry Pratchett

32. “You know, you're rather amusingly wrong.” - Terry Pratchett

33. “Luck is the bastard child of Fate and Destiny.” - Carroll Bryant

34. “You should go." "I can't." "Because you want to stare at the monster?" Alec's green eyes blaze, but with a wholly human fire now. "Or because you pity me?" I couldn't guess which possibility he loathes more. I fold my arms. "I can't leave because the door's locked. Believe me, I would've gone hours ago if I could have." "Oh. Of course." Then he looks so abashed--so boyish, and so handsome--that I almost want to laugh.” - Claudia Gray

35. “I mean you ACRES of harm,' Dalrymple growled. 'Untold QUANTITIES of harm. I will visit a whole CONTINENT of harm upon you before we are through.” - Derek Landy

36. “I was stark raving mad, and my family was too polite to mention it. That's what living with the Yamanis does to people. They get so well-mannered they won't mention you're crazy.” - Tamora Pierce

37. “A conclusion is the place you get to when you’re tired of thinking.” - Jill Shalvis

38. “Never do anything that you don’t want to have to explain to 9-1-1 personnel.” - Jill Shalvis

39. “He crouched at the care window and looked in. "What a lovely family you have. What a charming family. They're all lovely. Except for that one." His finger jabbed the glass. "That one's a bit ugly."The American stepped towards him. "What? What did you say?""Oh, don't worry. I'm sure his personality makes up for his face.” - Derek Landy

40. “Renee: “Trout, get your mind out of the gutter.”Trout: “Can’t help it—it’s attached to my body.” - John C. Stipa

41. “Daddy, What's the horizontal tango?” - Simone Elkeles

42. “In my opinion, the person who created the torture device called gym class should be clobbered with an enormous frozen cucumber. Not to mention, the person who decided it would be a great idea to schedule me in first period gym every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday also deserves a heavy-handed whacking with the same frozen cucumber.” - Amy Holder

43. “My secret world of bosom sculpting is crashing down around me. I’m destined for bra-stuffing rehab in a distant boobicus minimus land. I just know it.” - Amy Holder

44. “You can crab over the morning paper and kick the shins of the guy in the next seat at the movies and feel mean and discouraged and sneer at the politicians but there are a lot of nice people in the world just the same.” - Raymond Chandler

45. “Three eggs two slices of toast a cup of coffee an episode of Mr. Ed. A Violin and a bowl of fruit what else does a man need?” - Stanley Victor Paskavich

46. “I have my welcome mat turned around backwards so when people leave they think they’re going to a better place.” - Stanley Victor Paskavich

47. “This has always bothered me. If "Change" is the only constant how can we have absolutes?” - Stanley Victor Paskavich

48. “By the time he was done with the deer it had been dark three hours and his bad leg was singing 'Ave Maria'.” - Stephen King

49. “When someone says "just saying" what they really mean is, "You would be a colossal idiot to not take my advice." (on Facebook)” - Stephen Altrogge

50. “Try again. No no no, eyes up, eyes up! When you bow to someone you look at them, not at the floor. Don't look at her in the eye though lad, that's rude. And not THERE, either.” - Stephen Deas

51. “You're about as delicate as an AK-47.” - Jill Hathaway

52. “Every week seems to bring another luxuriantly creamy envelope, the thickness of a letter-bomb, containing a complex invitation – a triumph of paper engineering – and a comprehensive dossier of phone numbers, email addresses, websites, how to get there, what to wear, where to buy the gifts. Country house hotels are being block-booked, great schools of salmon are being poached, vast marquees are appearing overnight like Bedouin tent cities. Silky grey morning suits and top hats are being hired and worn with an absolutely straight face, and the times are heady and golden for florists and caterers, string quartets and Ceilidh callers, ice sculptors and the makers of disposable cameras. Decent Motown cover-bands are limp with exhaustion. Churches are back in fashion, and these days the happy couple are travelling the short distance from the place of worship to the reception on open-topped London buses, in hot-air balloons, on the backs of matching white stallions, in micro-lite planes. A wedding requires immense reserves of love and commitment and time off work, not least from the guests. Confetti costs eight pounds a box. A bag of rice from the corner shop just won’t cut it anymore.” - David Nicholls

53. “AN ACADEMIC DEFINITION of Lynchian might be that the term "refers to a particular kind of irony where the very macabre and the very mundane combine in such a way as to reveal the former's perpetual containment within the latter." But like postmodern or pornographic, Lynchian is one of those Porter Stewart-type words that's ultimately definable only ostensively-i.e., we know it when we see it. Ted Bundy wasn't particularly Lynchian, but good old Jeffrey Dahmer, with his victims' various anatomies neatly separated and stored in his fridge alongside his chocolate milk and Shedd Spread, was thoroughgoingly Lynchian. A recent homicide in Boston, in which the deacon of a South Shore church reportedly gave chase to a vehicle that bad cut him off, forced the car off the road, and shot the driver with a highpowered crossbow, was borderline Lynchian. A Rotary luncheon where everybody's got a comb-over and a polyester sport coat and is eating bland Rotarian chicken and exchanging Republican platitudes with heartfelt sincerity and yet all are either amputees or neurologically damaged or both would be more Lynchian than not.” - David Foster Wallace

54. “I like to think I'm helping them by hating them. I'm reminding them that they aren't God's gift to humankind.” - Veronica Roth

55. “It's a hat," said Jess.Manx stretched. "Yes.""A hat with - just to be clear - a lizard on it. A real, dead lizard.""An iguana, yea. It's been stuffed.""I can see that. Any idiot can see that, but it doesn;t address the issue.""The issue being?""Manx, you're wearing a goddamn reptile! On your head! With pride! It's like you're the lovechild of Carmen Miranda and a taxidermist!” - Foz Meadows

56. “I'm basically one of the best people I know.” - Jeff Kinney

57. “She was thong-climbing-her-ass pissed.” - Caris Roane

58. “Ish #1 "It's not your mama's macaroni and cheese if you used spaghetti noodles.” - Regina Griffin

59. “You've got better boobs," I acknowledged. And just as we'd done each time we'd had this boobs-versus-legs conversation, we looked down at our chests. Ogled. Compared.” - Chloe Neill

60. “Right at the flamingo orgy! Left at the multiethnic roof Santas! Straight past the pissing cherubs!” - Ransom Riggs

61. “[how can anyone] be silly enough to think himself better than other people, because his clothes are made of finer woolen thread than theirs. After all, those fine clothes were once worn by a sheep, and they never turned it into anything better than a sheep.” - Thomas More

62. “Boys are just dogs” - Scylar Tyberius

63. “So we waited. I felt useless. I felt like I was in the way. I wished I had some nervous habits so I could indulge in them.” - Moira J. Moore

64. “Connie, giving her thoughts on why Vinnie's hot temper is less than normal, says: "Lucille must have fed him a Vallium smoothie this morning.” - Janet Evanovich

65. “The workings of the male mind are twisted indeed." Winnifred Crane” - Kate Noble

66. “Apollo wanted out. Out of Aphrodite, out of this bathroom, out of this house, and out of this life.” - Marie Phillips

67. “It was a hot, moist armpit of a night...” - Mike Carey

68. “Adelina knew perfectly well who the father was, but she worked hard to forget it, and by the end of her life she would insist that Jesús was her child and hers only.” - Olga Núñez Miret

69. “Talk about insanity. Being attracted to deVries was like a month saying, "Hey, let's go check out that awesome bonfire".” - Cherise Sinclair

70. “You stick a bunch of drunken murderers together, ain't long before some turn to thieving, then to lying, then to bad language, and pretty soon to sobriety, raising families and making an honest living.” - Joe Abercrombie

71. “Could it be? Samantha Kingston? Home? On a Friday?” I roll my eyes. “I don’t know. Did you do a lot of acid in the sixties? Could be a flashback.” “I was two years old in 1960. I came too late for the party.” He leans down and pecks me on the head. I pull away out of habit. “And I’m not even going to ask how you know about acid flashbacks.” “What’s an acid flashback?” Izzy crows. “Nothing,” my dad and I say at the same time, and he smiles at me.” - Lauren Oliver

72. “Here's my using dickwad in a sentence. Greg is such a dickwad, he locks his car in the Pagoda Pizza parking lot. (No. That isn't a real Vocab word.)” - A.S. King

73. “You gotta want it.” - Bill Murray

74. “John and I have made this stuff our hobby, in the way that an especially attractive prisoner makes a hobby out of not getting raped. Jesus, that’s a terrible analogy. I apologize. What I’m saying is that it’s self-preservation. We didn’t choose this, we just have talents that makes us the equivalent of that new guy in the cell block who has a slim, hairless body and kind of looks like a woman from behind, and has an incredibly realistic tattoo of boobs on his back. He may have no desire at all to ever even touch a penis, but it’s going to happen, even if it’s just in the process of frantically slapping them away. Jesus, am I still talking about this? [John—please delete the above paragraph before it goes off to the publisher].” - David Wong

75. “I've had quite enough danger for a while I think. I might have some more when I'm thirteen, but definitely not before then...” - Joshua Donellan

76. “If you have to pay the bills, and you write something you're not proud of, use a pen-name for that.” - Dean Koontz

77. “I threw my hand over my mouth and blurted out the first best excuse I could come up with, “Morning breath!” - Melissa Aragon

78. “Jewish vampires: We turn into cats not bats bwaaahaha” - Tasha Turner

79. “There's no such thing as a sane woman.” - Andrew Sturm

80. “And I'll have you know that if you hurt my son again, if he so much as sighs sadly over his coffee, I will hire a man, a Russian, probably, to hunt you down and rip all that shiny black hair from your head, then break your skinny arms and legs, and set you on fire, and then put you out with a hammer. And should there be children from your beastly rutting, I shall have the Russian man cut them to tiny pieces and feed them to Madame Jacob's dog. because, although he may be only a worthless, simpleminded, libertine artist, Lucien is my favorite, and I will not have him hurt. Do you understand?” - Christopher Moore

81. “He will work off his crudities in time. I rather mistrust young men who slip into life gracefully.” - E. M. Forster

82. “A reputation for money is almost as negotiable as money itself.” - John Steinbeck

83. “Evolution is a theory with more holes than a Dutch dam of swiss cheese.” - Eoin Colfer

84. “Society teaches us that everyone is entitled to their own opinion. The bill of rights informs us that we have the right to keep it to ourselves.” - Brian Randleas

85. “Time flies when you're falling down"...(not from a book, it's a lyric)” - Courtney Love

86. “Time passed quickly. Constant did not move.” - Kurt Vonnegut

87. “It's Salvation. When Jen told me I had a vision. A vision Rena. I think I saw the blessed mother smiling and she was hold ing a loofa.[In regards to moving out of dorms and having three bathrooms between 4 roomates]” - Nora Roberts

88. “But instead I am applying for a job as an elf. Even worse than applying is the very real possibility that I will not be hired, that I couldn't even find work as an elf. That's when you know you're a failure.” - David Sedaris

89. “We took a right at the fork, heading farther north. The charred houses continued. To the right, a large sign nailed to an old telephone post shouted DANGER in huge red letters. Underneath in crisp black letters was written:IM-1: Infectious Magic AreaDo Not EnterAuthorized Personnel OnlyA second smaller sign under the first one, written on a piece of plastic with permanent marker, read:Keep out, stupid.“We aren’t going to keep out, are we?” Ascanio asked.“No.”“Awesome.” - Ilona Andrews

90. “...the concept of marketing is almost as old as humanity itself...suffice it to say here that it took almost no time for a wily serpent to sell Adam and Eve on a shiny apple from the Tree of Knowledge, at which point they became not only the first humans but also the first marketing demographic, and God expelled them from the Garden of Eden for being total consumerist dupes. (p. 40)” - BikeSnobNYC

91. “Another example of getting flack from the boys is what happened when Jack Black dumped me. That’s right. I fucked Jack Black. Okay, we went out only two or three times, but that’s a relationship in my book. And by the way, this is my book.” - Kathy Griffin

92. “To-morrow I will begin," thought Katy, as she dropped asleep that night. How often we all do so! And what a pity it is that when morning comes and to-morrow is to-day, we so frequently wake up feeling quite differently; careless or impatient, and not a bit inclined to do the fine things we planned overnight.” - Susan Coolidge

93. “If you are not dancing, your dead.” - Lisa Alpine

94. “He would not object, he said, to accepting a post as a librarian. But as Cecilia was unable to imagine that her father or her brother would feel any marked degree of satisfaction in giving her in marriage to a librarian, this very handsome concession on Mr Fawnhope's part merely added to her despondency.” - Georgette Heyer

95. “ - Pieprzyłaś się z nim, tak? - Musisz być taka wulgarna? - Oj, zapomniałam, że ty podczas stosunku zawsze słyszysz dźwięki kwartetu skrzypcowego w tle. Nie chciałabym zagłuszyć skrzypiec, ale lepiej żebyś zbudziła się z tych marzeń.” - Alastair MacNeill

96. “I turned on the television and watched a movie about a girl who’d fallen in love with both a vampire and a werewolf. I’d already seen it a million times, so my eyelids grew heavy, fairly quickly. Ten minutes later I was out cold in my bed and dreaming of Duncan, who turned into a werewolf and was trying to kill my own vampire boyfriend. Every time I tried to see the vampire’s face, however, it was a blur.” - Kristen Middleton

97. “You have a visitor, my lord." I frowned, "What?" "That is why I came in here. You have a visitor waiting for you." I stood up, exasperated. "Why didn't you say so?" Lacuna looked confused. "I did. Just now. You were there." She frowned thoughtfully. "Perhaps you have brain damage." "It would not shock me in the least," I said."Would you like me to cut open your skull and check, my lord?" she asked. Someone that short should not be that disturbing.” - Jim Butcher

98. “But stay away from him, Juliana. When we said we wanted to make you a good match, Leighton was not who we imagined."Even her brother thought Simon too good for her."Because he is a duke?""What? No," Ralston said, truly perplexed by her instant defensive response. "Because he's an ass.” - Sarah MacLean