“Ignoring things didn’t make them go away. It only made it harder to face them when they finally came around to beat the shit out of you.”

“What happened to you? Did you finally annoy someone enough to have them beat the shit out of you?”

“I didn’t want them to be gay anymore. I didn’t want people like Mrs. Perry to make a face and step away from them; I didn’t want Mike to shuffle his feet and clear frogs out of his throat whenever he talked to my dad; and I didn’t want Chad to go around making fun of himself so nobody else could. And most of all, I didn’t want them to have AIDS.”

“Hereos. Idols. They're never who you think they are. Shorter. Nastier. Smellier. And when you finally meet them, there's something that makes you want to choke the shit out of them.”

“I sometimes think the stronger you feel about someone, the harder it is to picture their face when you are away from them.”

“When life hands you lemons, eat and shit them out, Lemons are a natural diuretic. Shit on everyone around you. You’ll feel better.”