“Let's be serious, I wasn't a jack of all trades. I was just a jack-off of none. A hubristic fool who lived in my mind, certain I was better than everyone. An irredeemable asshole that for some reason people tolerated and occasionally even liked.”

“Life is chaotic and unscripted. Not everyone becomes a success. Or, even a failure. Most people just are. They don't even consider what they are. They just are.”

“Modern life was so fleeting. You could spend all day reading blogs, jerking off, sending e-mails, watching reality television, playing video games, drinking beers. This era had made it so easy to do nothing with your life. To be awake but not living. Just like I was.”

“There's a subtle difference between the man that lives like each day could be his last and the man who lives like there's no tomorrow.”

“Let's be honest, your occupation is boring. It's great if you like it. It's great if you pretend to like it. It's really great if you work good hours and make good money. But I don't need to hear about it.”

“I was always just there. In a perpetual nihilistic malaise of ennui and lots of other SAT words.”

“An English major is like being in a book club that costs $40,000 a year, has only annoying people in it, offers no refreshments at the meetings, and where people actually read the books.”