“If it chance your eye offends you,Pluck it out lad, and be sound:'Twill hurt, but here are salves to friend you,And many a balsam grows on ground.And if your hand or foot offend you,Cut it off, lad, and be whole;But play the man, stand up and end you,When your sickness is your soul.”

“When you find the one, my lad, grab her up in your arms and never let her go. You may never get another chance.”

“When you open your mouth, listeners are offended.  When you close your mouth, the expectant are offended.  If a person seeks misdoing from you they will find it regardless of whether or not you deliver. ”

“If a person offends you, and you are in doubt as to whether it was intentional or not, do not resort to extreme measures; simply watch your chance, and hit him with a brick.”

“Sorry, but retirement offends me. You don’t just stop fighting in the middle of a war because your legs hurt. So why do you get to stop working in the middle of your life just because your prostate hurts? That’s desertion.”

“If you look at anotherwoman, I’ll rip your eyes out. Touch one and I’ll cut off your hands. Kissher and I’ll sever your tongue from your mouth.“You don’t want to know what I’ll do if I find out your dick gotanywhere near another woman. So the choice is yours, you can live life as ablind, mute eunuch with stubs at the end of your arms or you can close theclub...”