“If only-if only, Hastings, you would part your hair in the middle instead of at the side! What a difference it would make to the symmetry of your appearance. And your moustache. If you must have a moustache, let it be a real moustache-a thing of beauty such as mine.”

“You have a magnificent moustache. You must be very proud of it.”

“The funny thing about having any kind of moustache or beard is it grows on you—in two ways. I mean, it grows on you. It also becomes part of your identity. I've had it for 40 years. I don't think I would recognize the person in the mirror without it.”

“At first I assumed he was a Mexican, but slowly began to realise that a real Mexican probably wouldn't be wearing a sombrero in a London nightclub. And he'd probably have a real moustache, not a stick-on one. A Mexican with a stick-on moustache would be like a Super-Mexican, because he'd have two moustaches, and that'd be cool, because a Super-Mexican could probably use his poncho as a cape, and then I realised I was saying all this to the man's face.”

“Anyway, that's how it is! Either they obey the law, or they're expelled!! And make sure they wear their veils correctly..." - "If hair is as stimulating as you say, then you need to shave your moustache!" My father actually said that.”

“A lesser moustache, under the impact of that quick, agonised expulsion of breath, would have worked loose at the roots.”