“...And Brick and I say in unison, “As long as I’m here.”This is a guy thing.You never want to acknowledge that you and another guy had exactly the same thought in exactly the same words and that you spoke them aloud . . .at exactly the same time. If you’re out on a date and this happens, this is a good thing. It’s evidence that you and your date think alike, you’re in sync, possibly even soul mates, and with some luck, you might get laid. When this occurs with two guys, it’s simply freaky and should go by as if it never happened.”

“A long time ago, Trinity and I made a list of types of guys you should never date. We add to it every now and then. It includes things like never date a guy whose computer costs more than his car (you'll never get him to pay attention to you except over instant messages), never date a guy who has a pet lizard (he's probably into weird stuff in bed) and never under any circumstances go on a second date with a guy who says the word "married" on the first date (he'll turn out to be a mama's boy or a religious type)”

“All objects in the universe are unique. No two things that happen by chance ever happen in exactly the same way. No two things are ever constructed or manufactured in exactly the same way. No two things wear in exactly the same way. No two things ever break in exactly the same way.”

“I’m going to break one of the rules of the trade here. I’m going to tell you some of the secrets of improvisation. Just remember—it’s always a good idea to follow the directions exactly the first time you try a recipe. But from then on, you’re on your own.”

“Ah-ha! I knew it! Penis problems”“Well, it seems that the cause of some of my problems happens to have a penis. Well, two actually,”“Oh sweet Mary! You’re dating a guy with two dicks?”“Ginger, no! It’s about two different guys.”“Oh,” she says, obviously disappointed. “Damn. That woulda been kinda cool.”

“When I was twenty-five, I went on exactly four dates with a much older guy whom I’ll call Peter Parker. I’m calling him Peter Parker because the actual guy’s name was also alliterative, and because, well, it’s my book and I’ll name a guy I dated after Spider-Man’s alter ego if I want to.”