“Cashier: Yes, can I help you?Tee-Ay: Yeah, I need a rattle.Cashier: Aisle eight.Tee-Ay: I'm looking for the kind that'll give a fatherless black baby a future, you got any of those?Cashier: Girl, if we sold those, do you think I'd be workin' here?”

“Rejections are thin 'cause they really have nothing to say other than, "Sorry, dude, you're screwed." acceptances are thick 'cause they have lots of stuff to say like, "Welcome, dude, you're not screwed, we want you.”

“After I took two pees- 'cause the news of this mandatory dress rehearsal was way too big of a nuclear bomb to just take one- we made plans to meet by the Fountain before the dress rehearsal began to get our act together.”

“Put it on channel eight- I wanna watch ESPN!"Shove it up your a** with a flaming hot jalepeno pepper, Teddy!”

“Q and Beanpole and I giggled at the way our math teacher, Mr. Sung-Li, wore four pencils in his shirt pocket in case he was suddenly attacked by a multiplication problem or something.”

“Those of you who are not aware of my brilliant career as a stand up comic, I'm not aware of it either so we might well wonder what we're doing here.”

“Rorschach: Used to come here often, back when we were partners.Dreiberg: Oh. Uh, yeah... yeah, those were great times, Rorschach. Great times. Whatever happened to them?Rorschach: [exiting] You quit.”