“Why don't I like you?""Because you think I'm an asshole, and I'm not really, I'm just British and, well, you're not.”

“Those of you who are not aware of my brilliant career as a stand up comic, I'm not aware of it either so we might well wonder what we're doing here.”

“Do you know that moment when you paint a landscape as a child and, when you’re maybe under seven or something, the sky is just a blue stripe across the top of the paper? And then there’s that somewhat disappointing moment when the teacher tells you that the sky actually comes down in amongst all the branches. And it’s like life changes at that moment and becomes much more complicated and a little bit more boring, as it’s rather tedious to fill in the branches…”

“I've never been able to plan my life. I just lurch from indecision to indecision.”

“I do take my work seriously and the way to do that is not to take yourself too seriously”

“I like people thinking I'm an asshole. Being an asshole is my life's vocation; I'm a goddamned asshole professional.”

“Talent is an accident of genes, and a responsibility.”