“Nothing fails like success—because the self-imposed task of oursociety and all its members is a contradiction: to force things to happenwhich are acceptable only when they happen without force.”

“This state of affairs is known technically as the "double-bind." Aperson is put in a double-bind by a command or request which containsa concealed contradiction...This is a damned-if-you-do and damned-if-you-don'tsituation which arises constantly in human (and especially family)relations...The social doublebind game can be phrased in several ways:The first rule of this game is that it is not a game.Everyone must play.You must love us.You must go on living.Be yourself, but play a consistent and acceptable role.Control yourself and be natural.Try to be sincere.Essentially, this game is a demand for spontaneous behavior of certainkinds. Living, loving, being natural or sincere—all these arespontaneous forms of behavior: they happen "of themselves" likedigesting food or growing hair. As soon as they are forced they acquirethat unnatural, contrived, and phony atmosphere which everyonedeplores—weak and scentless like forced flowers and tasteless likeforced fruit. Life and love generate effort, but effort will not generatethem. Faith—in life, in other people, and in oneself—is the attitude ofallowing the spontaneous to be spontaneous, in its own way and in itsown time.”

“The more we try to live in the world of words, the more we feel isolated and alone, the more all the joy and liveliness of things is exchanged for mere certainty and security. On the other hand, the more we are forced to admit that we actually live in the real world, the more we feel ignorant, uncertain, and insecure about everything.”

“We think that the world is limited and explained by its past. We tend to think that what happened in the past determines what is going to happen next, and we do not see that it is exactly the other way around! What is always the source of the world is the present; the past doesn't explain a thing. The past trails behind the present like the wake of a ship and eventually disappears.”

“What is the next step, the practical application?—I will answer that theabsolutely vital thing is to consolidate your understanding, to becomecapable of enjoyment, of living in the present, and of the disciplinewhich this involves. Without this you have nothing to give.”

“We seldom realize, for example, that our most private thoughts and emotions are not actually our own. For we think in terms of languages and images which we did not invent, but which were given to us by our society. We copy emotional reactions from our parents, learning from them thatexcrement is supposed to have a disgusting smell and that vomiting is supposed to be an unpleasant sensation. The dread of death is also learned from their anxieties about sickness and from their attitudes to funerals and corpses. Our social environment has this power just because we do not exist apart from a society. Society is our extended mind and body. Yet the very society from which the individual is inseparable is using its whole irresistible force to persuade the individual that he is indeed separate! Society as we now know it is therefore playing a game with self-contradictory rules.”

“So then, the relationship of self to other is the complete realization that loving yourself is impossible without loving everything defined as other than yourself.”