“I have two choices: attend my sister's dinner party or tie a plastic sack around my mother's head until she runs out of ngagging. I choose the evil that doesn't come witha felony conviction.”

“My sister's voice is Minnie Mouse and a dash of fingernails down a chalkboard, but only when she wants to bend me to her will.”

“Worst case I'll bring Rain Man here. I'll tell him it's a date.Aha, so he's cute, then?Tasty. And smart. Can't beat that witha stick.”

“You want something to drink?Is this a trick question?Yes. I'm going to read your personality based on your beverage choices, so choose wisely.”

“And while I tell him all my thoughts, I don't always share my secrets.”

“Just so we're clear, I dont' secretly want to have sex with either of my parents.Me either. I worked through that in college just to make sure. It was touch and go for a while, especially when my father kept asking me if he looked pretty.”

“My two best friends are dead, which means they're great listeners now, but lousy as far as support goes.”