“A three-year old was examining his testicles while taking a bath. 'Mom,' he asked,'are these my brains?''Not yet.' she replied.”

“I've known my mom since I was zero years old. She is quite dope.”

“I can’t even hear the phrase ‘Four score and seven years ago’ without thinking of what?” my mom asked.
“A top hat and a beard,” I replied.”

“As they began to mount the stairs, he looked up at his mother. "Just how many of those wine coolers did she drink?" "She had three," Suzy replied. Three! Bobby Tom couldn't believe it. After only three drinks, she'd stripped off her clothes and demanded that he have sex with her. "Mom?" He shoved on his hat. "Yes dear." "Whatever you do, don't let her anywhere near a six-pack.”

“Talking to a drunk person was like talking to an extremely happy, severely brain-damaged three-year-old.”

“How old are you? Twelve?""Fourteen & three quarters."His eyes sparkled. "You're kind of little for fourteen and three quarters.""Am not," I replied indignantly. "I'm a sophomore this year. How old are you?" "Seventeen and two fifths."Hardy Cateses & Liberty Jones.”