“Conservative, n: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.”

“Scriptures, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.”

“Bore, n.: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.”

“NIHILIST, n. A Russian who denies the existence of anything but Tolstoi. The leader of the school is Tolstoi.”

“Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.”

“FIDELITY, n. A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.”

“Infidel, n. In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does.”