“Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.”

“ABSTAINER, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.”

“Politics, n. Strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.”

“Clarinet n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments worse than a clarinet – two clarinets.”

“Bigamy, n. A mistake in taste for which the wisdom of the future will adjudge a punishment called trigamy.”

“VOTE, n. The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.”

“Bore, n.: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.”