“GRAPESHOT, n. An argument which the future is preparing in answer to the demands of American Socialism.”

“Bigamy, n. A mistake in taste for which the wisdom of the future will adjudge a punishment called trigamy.”

“Education, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.”

“LANGUAGE, n. The music with which we charm the serpents guarding another's treasure.”

“TELEPHONE n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.”

“Scriptures, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.”

“Miss, n. A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate they are in the market. Miss, Misses (Mrs.) and Mister (Mr.) are the three most distinctly disagreeable words in the language, in sound and sense. Two are corruptions of Mistress, the other of Master. In the general abolition of social titles in this our country they miraculously escaped to plague us. If we must have them let us be consistent and give one to the unmarried man. I venture to suggest Mush, abbreviated to Mh.”