“Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.”

“An ambassador is a person who having failed to secure an office from the people is given an office by the Administration on condition that he leave the country.”

“Infidel, n. In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does.”

“Conservative, n: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.”

“optimism, n. The doctrine, or belief, that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, everything good, especially the bad, and everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by those most accustomed to the mischance of falling into adversity, and is most acceptably expounded with disproof - an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment but death. It is hereditary, but fortunately not contagious.”

“San Francisco is the place where most people were last seen”

“FIDELITY, n. A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.”