“MIND, n. A mysterious form of matter secreted by the brain. Its chief activity consists in the endeavour to ascertain its own nature, the futility of the attempt being due to the fact that it has nothing but itself to know itself with.”

“Cribbage, n. A substitute for conversation among those to whom nature has denied ideas.”

“Mammon, n. The god of the world's leading religion. His chief temple is in the city of New York”

“Marriage, n.: The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two.”

“Patience, n. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue”

“Sweater, n. Garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.”

“MAN, n. An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada.”