“Philanthropist. A rich (and usually bald) old gentleman who has trained himself to grin while his conscience is picking his pocket...”

“VOTE, n. The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.”

“Alliance - In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third.”

“All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.”

“ABSTAINER, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.”

“Christian, n.: one who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.”

“HAND, n. A singular instrument worn at the end of the human arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.”