“TELEPHONE n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.”

“Clarinet n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments worse than a clarinet – two clarinets.”

“VOTE, n. The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.”

“Bore, n.: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.”

“ABSTAINER, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.”

“Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.”

“HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There arefour kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, andpraiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slainwhether he fell by one kind or another -- the classification is foradvantage of the lawyers.”