“VOTE, n. The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.”

“Clarinet n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments worse than a clarinet – two clarinets.”

“HAND, n. A singular instrument worn at the end of the human arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.”

“diplomacy, n.: The patriotic art of lying for one's country.”

“ABSTAINER, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.”

“Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.”

“TELEPHONE n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.”