“Sometimes losing a pet is more painful than losing a human because in the case of the pet, you were not pretending to love it.”

“On the off chance that you have children, don't clean up at all. As children, my brother and sister and I loved waking up early and playing cocktail party with the leftover debris ”

“I don't mind pointing out some of the failings of old age, because we are all headed in that direction, unless of course we take our own lives before we become a burden. I'm not advocating suicide, oh wait, I guess I am.”

“Plenty of animals had pets, but few were more devoted than the mouse, who owned a baby corn snake—“A rescue snake, she’d be quick to inform you. This made it sound like he’d been snatched from the jaws of a raccoon, but what she’d really rescued him from was a life without her love. And what sort of a life would that have been?”

“Don't leave a piece of jewelry at his house so you can go back and get it later; he may be with his real girlfriend.”

“I'm drawn to people who look different. I'm not exploiting. I'm not making fun of them. I'm drawn to them.”

“Don't answer the door in a wedding dress and veil, he might not think you're joking.”